Look Back at Me

Chapter XXV

We Are But Human

"Hello John." Mr Thornton looked up to see a familiar face, but his sanity was telling him a different truth. Margaret Hale stood like an angelic statue in the door opening, her eyes dark in the dimly lit office.

"Margaret?", his voice was but a breath but as if on que she moved and her paces were so small, she seemed to float.

Thornton's eyes began to adjust to the darkness and the vision he thought was a trick of his mind became clear like smoke vaporising before him. Margaret walked until she stood beside him, but she did nothing more; she could do nothing more. Her eyes looking at him still as dark and still as compassionate.

A unyielding feeling came over John Thornton and he abruptly turned himself and lay his forehead against her bodice while his hands cautiously encircled her waist, as if to make sure they were truly not being deceived by a mirage.

Margaret did not expect this and she did not move at his sudden embrace. The John Thornton before her was broken. The strong tone of his letter and the hidden optimism had been a pretence and she had known it. Mr Thornton's shoulders began to tremble like that of a child attempting to control large sobs. He made no sound, but his grip became more powerful and his head pushed heavily against her. Then Margaret intuitively weaved her fingers tenderly through his hair, caressing him as if he was made of glass.

"John..", Margaret entreaty was spoken in a whisper but there came no answer. His very heart-pulse was arrested by the tone in which Margaret spoke. Her voice was hoarse, and trembling with tender passion, as she said again, "John." His hands lay still and his shoulders stopped but he did not lift his eyes. She besought him with another tremulous eager call upon his name.

"Take care," she spoke, "if you do not speak, I shall take you in my arms and keep you until time cannot separate your soul from mine." Margaret's breath was warm against the top of his head, her eyes closed to stop the swell of tears.

John Thornton let his arms fall like lifeless burdens at his side and lifted his eyes to meet those of his love, for how could she be otherwise. His eyes were glazed and there were large shadows in his face making him look older and sadder.

After a long silence he spoke; "I had hoped you would not come here... I wanted you to come, but I had hoped you would not..", he spoke in a defeated tone. Once again he looked away and covered his eyes with one hand in poignant shame.

"No" Margaret took the hand and cupped it with her white fingers. She felt suddenly brave, rising like a new born flame in the dark. "I have come home," she bend down on her knees to level his gaze, "please look at me."

Thornton shook his head and began to voice disagreement, but Margaret interrupted him and straightened her back to grow in aura. "No, John. You sent me a letter that broke my heart and now I see that it must have cost you even more to have written it. You should know by now I am resolved. You are my resolve." She convinced herself more by hearing her own words and Mr Thornton looked at her with bloodstained eyes; fatigue, pain and desire had made them so.

Margaret smiled a faint but candid smile, "You are my love," as if to acknowledge that this was the final explanation for all that she did and all that she would do.

Mr Thornton inhaled deeply and then broke free to let his feet show the hesitance he was feeling. "But I have nothing. I cannot pay the debts, I cannot pay the hands, I cannot pay for the house. I have nothing.." He began forcibly, his words bursting from his lips like cannonballs, but his voice grew weak.

Margaret too had risen and saw her chance. She spoke softly, but determined, "But.. I have." Mr Thornton stopped pacing and looked at her with what could only be described as fear. A flicker of hope was presenting itself to him and he feared having to give that up too with such intensity he felt physical pain in his chest when he moved.

Margaret took a deep breath and began: "I went to Mr Bell after reading your letter and he sat with me through the night, thinking on what to do." She was silent for a moment and tugged some loose strains of hair behind her ear in a demonstrative manner.

"Mr Bell was also informed of the situation because you likewise wrote to him, of course. So when I went to him, he knew what troubled me for it troubled him too. He is a good man and he has gifted me.. that is, us.. with a wedding present." Her voice was searching until now, but she continued with gentle determination: "Mr Bell has made me a joint owner of his shares and I may invest those shares where I wish. And I choose here. I choose Marlborough Mills, John." When she said his name, she felt tired and the words stopped reeling in her head. Margaret Hale had overcome her fear and now she waited patiently for Mr Thornton to give her his reply.

Mr Thornton was walking back and forth in the small confines of his office space, shaking his head like a puppet on a string. Then he stood still: "I cannot accept that.." He walked back to his chair and sat down as if he had fought for hours and was finely defeated.

Margaret knew it was pride and remembrance that stood between John Thornton and her proposal and she was also aware that no sweet words or soft, affectionate touches would lift him from his condition. She would show him her affection through embraces or closeness. John Thornton had to accept her proposal without the persuasion of sweet words and enticing contact. He had to decide with a clear mind and resolved heart or she would not have him.