Marian angled her chair so the sunlight coming in from the infirmary's window illuminated as much of the journal page as possible. She scratched absently through her shirt at the edges of the bandage on her chest. It had been too long since she recorded her activities and observations so she was using Robin's recovery time to catch up. To be honest, it felt good to do something so normal and part of her Ranger routine. It also felt strange, recording it all on the tail end of things, knowing they succeeded after all that worry and sorrow and stress.
Not to mention that focusing on the past kept her from having to contemplate the future. Robin was well on his way, sleeping less and less and drinking lots of herbal teas and broths. He complained, as all do when they've been sick for more than a day, even though he knew it was good for him. It didn't help that they had to keep his hands wrapped until they healed, making it difficult to handle simple things like utensils. There were times when he snapped at her and the other physicians, accusing them of babying him. Marian learned then to leave him alone and let him struggle until he either succeeded or broke down and asked for help. She didn't hold it against him, knowing she would probably feel the same way in his position.
King Richard, who had come to visit often, would be calling her in any day now to really learn what she had to tell him about Araluen. Most likely it would be after the event he was planning as a thank you and celebration of what he termed their "loyal heroics." Marian had done her best to stop it, or at least to get herself out of it, but as stubborn as she was it was difficult to go against a king as bullheaded and unwavering as Richard when he put his mind to something.
Robin's supporters and their friends from Sherwood were trickling in to London, as Richard sent them invitations to be honorary guests at the celebration. Little John and the men who were with him showed up soon after the assassination attempt, settling into the castle life quite well for men who had lived in the forest for years. It was nice to have people she knew around. They would gather in the evenings usually around Robin's bed, swapping stories and enjoying each other's company. Some of the men were even teaching her cards. She and Robin were an unstoppable team and they would play until it got too competitive and, as a result, too loud and the assistants would banish them from the room.
Marian smiled, remembering when she brought the last of her coffee to one of the gatherings, sharing it as a treat. Jenny and young Will had brought her supplies with them when they arrived, surprisingly soon after Little John. It seems they were tired of waiting to hear back and decided to come to London themselves, ahead of everyone else. Tasting the precious brew after going so long without it had been heavenly and she was secretly glad when very few of the others enjoyed it as much as she did. It left more for her to enjoy.
But in the back of her mind, Marian knew this pleasant lull wouldn't last. Robin would be reinstated as lord of Locksley. Richard would settle down to ruling England. Her friends from Sherwood would be getting back to their lives. Then she would have to decide whether to stay or move on and explore the rest of this world. If it was as wide and varied as her own that could take years, years that would take her farther and farther from her home. But it was her duty, and lately she had been feeling more out of place here. Maybe it was time to move on.
Marian shook her head, realizing she had stopped writing during her musings. Beside her Robin stirred and she looked up from the incomplete page. She was relieved, of course, but a little apprehensive. She hadn't confronted him yet about what she learned from Guy. Marian had to admit to herself that she was scared. Things had been pleasant the last few weeks and she didn't want to jeopardize that. She knew she would have to confront a lot more than his omission about the valkan.
Time to get it over with Marian, she steeled herself. It has to happen sooner or later.
She smiled gently at Robin when he blinked and looked over to see who his sentry was today. He grinned in answer and she was overcome with the urge to put off the conversation for another day, like she had been doing. Marian closed the book and clutched it to her chest, a sort of barrier as well as a support. "Good afternoon, sleepy head," she said.
Robin snorted and pushed himself into a sitting position. Then he saw the cup of tea on his bedside and glared. "Honestly, are they trying to drown me?"
"I'm not even going to answer that," Marian said, leaning back in her chair. "You know it helps your throat and the steam helps your lungs. I think you're just trying to complain."
He made a face, not trying to deny it. "It's the only thing I can do, apparently."
"Uh-uh," she shook her head. "You've been outside and toured the palace. They just want you here to sleep so they can keep an eye on you."
Robin gave a gusty sigh and then took the tea. "Speaking of keeping an eye out, have they found him yet?"
News of Guy's disappearance had spread through the castle soon after he left. Rumors flew about the reason for it and many of them were not favorable. But she had observed the king when he heard the news and decided a course of action. Marian thought he might understand the young man a bit more than he was letting on. "Not yet," she said. "But is it really so bad?"
He gave her a look over the top of his cup. "We are talking about Guy of Gisbourne. Everyone would be better off if he was in a place where we could keep an eye on him."
"I think you're a bit prejudice," she said. "It doesn't matter, though, Richard has sent people out to look for him." Whether they were looking very hard was something she wasn't going to worry about.
Marian took a breath and closed her eyes. "Robin." When she opened her eyes again he was looking at her, his head slightly tilted. "What happened they day Guy found you in Sherwood, to tell you about the Sheriff's plot?"
There it was—The slightest tightening around the eyes, the briefest hesitation in setting down his cup. She probably wouldn't have seen it if she wasn't looking. He covered up being startled well. Her heart sank. Marian realized she had been hoping Guy lied to her and nothing really happened that day, but she was wrong.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Don't lie to me," she kept her voice low. Though the infirmary only had a few other patients who were in beds further down the row, assistants and servants were still around. Since it was quiet in the room their voices carried easily and she didn't want others to overhear what might be said. "You killed a valkan." It wasn't a question.
Robin's chagrin was so evident he didn't need to answer her. Instead he laid his head back and closed his eyes. "He told you. Of course he did," he laughed bitterly.
"It should have been you!" she hissed. "How could you not tell me? It was a creature sent from my world! With everything you know, you lied to me?" Robin looked at her, twisting the bed sheets in his fists. "Did it say anything to you?"
He looked pained, but he answered her. "It said it wouldn't matter if he managed to kill you because…soon you'll be all that's left of your home. It said," he closed his eyes, "It said Will Treaty was dead."
Marian felt like someone just punched her in the stomach. She couldn't breathe. Surging to her feet she stumbled to the window, closing her eyes and hoping the crisp spring air would clean away this awful feeling in her chest. It's not true, she recited in her head. Not true, not true, not true.
"Marian," she felt a light touch on her shoulder. Robin must have gotten up and followed her to the window. "I didn't tell you because you had just woken up after your injury. I thought you were going to die. When I saw you alive…I couldn't let you bear that burden so soon. I didn't want you to worry."
She whirled on him and he dropped his hand, stepping back. "Didn't want me to worry? That's not your choice to make, Robin! How would you feel if someone told me Locksley burned to the ground and I didn't tell you? If I lied to you?"
"I'm sorry. I know, I should have told you. But I thought," he started to run a hand through his hair and winced, forgetting his hands were still healing. "I just wanted to protect you."
"I don't need protecting," she snapped, her churning, mixed emotions expressing themselves through anger.
"I know you don't need it!" he retorted, starting to lose his own patience. "I'm not saying you need it. But is it really so bad? Is it really that awful to have someone who doesn't want you to be in pain?" Marian blinked, not quite expecting this turn. "I was there when the first creature came and you saw those oak leaves. When I saw your grief, I didn't understand it. But all I knew was that I wanted to help you. You were hurting and I couldn't do anything about it." He spread his hands helplessly. "This time I could."
"It's not your job to keep me from getting hurt," she told him softly. "When you were there for me after the Sheriff attacked me, that helped more than you know. We all get hurt. As much as we want it go away, it won't. Knowing someone is there to lean on, that's the important part. But you can't keep things like this from me, can't you see that? Besides," she continued. "It was lying, it had to be."
Robin was silent. She looked at his somber expression and realization dawned, slowly, like thawing ice. "Wait a minute. You lied, not just because you thought I couldn't handle it, but because you thought it was telling the truth."
"Marian—"
"No!" she interrupted. "How could you think that?"
He turned around in exasperation and walked back to the bed, sitting on the edge. The mattress creaked when he sat down and he rested his arms on his knees. He looked up at her beseechingly. "I don't want to think it! But, now that you know what it said, you have to consider the possibility it might be true."
"You can't say that to me," she said, keeping a tight check on her voice, which threatened to break. "You, of all people, can't say that to me."
"You can't keep living your life in limbo, one foot in this world and the other in yours," Robin said. "It will tear you apart."
She knew what he was trying to say. He wanted her to let go of her home, to settle here like she was a resident of this world. Marian knew, if she wanted to, she could find a place here. Images of the future, fuzzy possibilities, flashed in her mind's eye. A part of her desperately wanted to see those images come to fruition.
But the rest of her knew they never would. She would not abandon who she was and where she was from. Not when there was the slightest possibility she could return home. That wasn't all, though. The way she felt when she thought she lost Robin almost broke her heart. What would happen if she put her heart here, with her new friends—friends who were as much family as those back in Araluen—and someone came, years later, to take her back again? Could she do it? Would she abandon her duty as a Ranger to stay? Or would she disappear from England forever? One way or the other she would break ties with people she loved. And she loved him, she realized. She didn't quite understand exactly in what way or how much, but even in the midst of being angry with him she realized she loved Robin. The possibility of her leaving would always hover over them. Marian couldn't do that to him, to her friends, or to herself. She wouldn't.
"Someone will come," she told him. All this had gone through her head in a matter of moments. "Eventually someone will take me back. Once I do my job here, informing the king of my land and what is going on there I'll need to move on. I can't just stay in England forever. I don't belong here."
She ignored the flash of hurt across his face. Robin's shoulders slumped, almost imperceptibly, like he had given up. "I have to believe, Robin." She wanted him to understand, and in doing so realized he was right. This limbo, as he called it, was tearing her apart. But what he didn't seem to understand was that she didn't have a choice.
"If I accept my world is gone…I'm afraid I'll loose myself. I just can't do it." Marian clasped her hands behind her back to keep from reaching out to him. It would only make things worse. "I'm sorry."
Quickly, before things could get worse, she turned and fled the room. She didn't pause to look back. Robin watched her go, knowing there was nothing he could do even if he did go after her. He walked to the window and rested his arms on it, taking in the view of the sprawling city below. Buildings of all shapes and sizes squeezed together to create a bumpy, prickly blanket across the land. In the distance he could see trees. They still looked mostly grey, but there was a tinge of green that hinted at buds, a true sign of spring. This high up he couldn't smell the distinct aroma of a crowded city, nor could he hear the cacophony that was always present when a group of humans lived in close proximity to each other. It was actually quite peaceful, and he found himself absently tracing the twisting roadways between homes and businesses. He could see the River Thames glinting dully in the sunlight. The water looked completely still, like a painting, from this high up.
He should have known. He should have told her as soon as possible, instead of having her hear it from someone else. Robin mentally kicked himself, but there was nothing he could do about it now. The only course of action was to give her space, to let her figure out her own place here now that their outlaw days were over. He wasn't even sure how he was going to fit in this next stage. But he knew he would feel more able to take whatever the future held if she would stay.
He could feel her slipping away. Even in that short, heated conversation he could sense her pulling back and it hurt. He knew how much being a Ranger meant to her and he couldn't abandon his duties at Locksley. But, he didn't want to let her go without even trying. He believed they could find a way, if only given the chance. Robin gazed out the window and felt the breeze brush his skin with the promise of spring. He realized he had to tell her, before they went their separate ways. He had to tell her exactly how he felt, no matter what her decision might be.
*RMRMRMRMR*
Marian sat in her palace room, staring at her reflection in the mirror. Her hair hung down over her shoulders in loose, unruly curls. She sighed in disgust, holding up a lock and looking helplessly at it. Today was the ceremony honoring Robin and celebrating the King's return and good health. It was a state event with the highest officials and dignitaries from all over the kingdom, or so she had been informed. And she had no idea how to do her hair, or what to wear. What she really wanted was to wear her Ranger uniform, but the voice in her head that sounded like Alyss scolded her. She would hide behind her cloak and it would draw too much attention anyway. She was getting enough as it is, what with receiving a medal from the King alongside Robin and his men. She didn't need more for not wearing the appropriate clothing.
She looked over at the bag in the corner of her room. Most of her things were already packed and ready to go. After her fight with Robin, she managed to get a meeting with the King. She sat down with him for a long time, even showed him some of the history books she brought with her…
"This is incredible," Richard said, slowly flipping through the pages. "If it's true, we need to send ambassadors."
"Your Majesty, I'm sorry, but that can't happen," Marian told him. "Not yet. I've been ordered not to return until someone comes for me."
He stopped turning pages and looked at her. "Lady Marian, if you can't return and we can't send people over there, then what is the point of revealing where you are from?"
"I figured we could learn from each other," she said. "You need to know what's on the other side of the gateway, and so do I. And, if we get along, then we both benefit."
King Richard raised an eyebrow and shut the book. "Yes, I guess we do."
Marian took a breath and had to consciously keep herself from shifting in her chair. "Sire, in the meantime, I intend to travel. There is a whole new world out there, after all," she smiled. "I would appreciate your support."
Richard rubbed his chin, thinking. "Of course. I can send someone with you as a guide, and I can give you a seal that will grant you safe passage in England."
"Actually, I would prefer to travel alone," Marian said. "A map will be sufficient."
She saw the gleam in his eye that showed he knew what she was trying to do. It would be better for her to travel alone because then she could go wherever she chose. It would better for him to send someone with her. "Of course. Beforehand we can discuss matters with each other. And upon your departure, if you leave some of the materials here Michael can look them over. That way we can be prepared whenever consistent contact can be established between our countries."
Marian's mouth twitched. "As long as it's at my discretion, Majesty."
Richard inclined his head slightly and then reached a hand across the desk. "I look forward to working with you, my lady."
She reached out and shook his hand…
A knock at the door interrupted her thoughts. Marian sighed and went to open the door, speaking as she went.
"Will, I told you, you have to come to the ceremony. Don't try to get out of it by running to Robin…" she trailed off in shock when she realized who her visitor was.
"I can't imagine this Will would be able to get away with it, knowing you are looking after him," the woman at the door said with a hint of mirth.
Marian stopped short, her brain scrambling to catch up with the unexpected visitor. She looked at the woman in front of her, pausing to collect herself. "Your Highness, I apologize, I didn't realize you were coming," she bowed and stepped aside as Eleanor of Aquitaine, the King's mother, swept into her room. She was trailed by two attendants, each carrying a large, wrapped package.
"Nor should you have," the woman said. Her pale blonde hair, streaked with grey, was piled neatly on top of her head. The heavy fabric of her conservative and austere grey dress made a quiet shushing sound as she walked across the room to the little window seat. Her movements were smooth and fluid and her voice gentle. But when she looked at Marian the young Ranger felt like the older woman could read all of her secrets with only a glance. They were the eyes of a mother, a general, and a queen. "I intended my visit to be a surprise." The corners of her eyes crinkled. "It seems I succeeded."
She nodded to her attendants. "You may place the packages there. Then I would like a moment alone with Lady Marian." The man and woman placed the packages on Marian's bed and then left, closing the door behind them. The queen mother sank gracefully onto the small window seat, indicating the vacated chair for Marian to take her own seat. Eleanor spread her skirts out in a fan and Marian admired the way she turned even the humblest bench into a throne.
"I wanted to thank you, my dear, for saving my son, and for saving England in the process," Eleanor said softly.
"Your Highness," Marian said, taking her seat. "I only helped in the end. You should really be speaking with Robin."
Eleanor smiled. "I spoke with the lord of Locksley, do not fear. But you have played a crucial role in saving this country. And you, personally, were responsible for keeping my son alive. That deserves at the very least a 'thank you.' As a mother…I can never repay you for that," the sincerity in her voice caught Marian by surprise. "Your family must be so proud of you."
Marian lost her breath for a moment and didn't respond. Eleanor was perceptive and her eyes softened. "I'm sorry, Marian."
"It's okay," she said quickly. "I don't really remember my parents, but…I still have a family." She smiled slightly, remembering meals in the Ranger cabin with Will and Alyss, the days off with Carey and James, and the field assignments when Halt joined her and her mentor. "I hope I have made them proud," she said to herself.
Eleanor titled her head. "My son told me a little about you," she said. "You and I are not that much different."
"Highness?" Marian asked. She thought they couldn't be more different.
"We're both smart, competent, and intelligent women who have had to leave their homes for the sake of duty," she said. "I was a young girl, not much older than you, when I left and married Richard's father. I felt lost and adrift for a long time but I could never find my way home. It hurt, but you get past it and it becomes part of you."
Marian looked at the older woman with surprise. Her description was like what Marian had been feeling herself for so long. "No matter where you go, or who you leave behind, remember to find strength in yourself, Marian," Eleanor said. "They may be the roots, but you are the tree itself. Sometimes the roots grow away from you, but you remain tall and strong."
"Did you ever go back home?" she asked.
Eleanor looked out the window, a small smile on her face. "Yes, quite a few years later. Then you realize you miss the people you once thought were strangers. You're never quite the same, after."
The queen looked wistful but Marian knew the older woman must have had an inkling about Marian's choices. So she decided to prod her a little further. Maybe the queen could help her with a decision. "Your Highness, if I may ask?" Eleanor turned back towards Marian, her eyebrow raised. Marian cleared her throat, suddenly nervous. Maybe she didn't really want to hear what the queen was going to say. "If you could have gone back home and stayed there, would you?"
Eleanor was silent for a moment, thinking. Her slender hands, which Marian noticed were a bit calloused and showed signs of hard work, were neatly folded in her lap. She didn't stir or fidget but everything about her indicated she was taking the question seriously. Marian thought she would have liked to see this woman in action.
"I don't believe I would," she finally said. "My husband, Henry, was a good man, and I grew very fond of him. I love my sons dearly. Yes, my dear, both of them despite both of their flaws. England became a second home. I never stopped missing France, but in the end my home was here."
Marian nodded but she must have been frowning for the dowager queen laughed brightly. "I must not have been much help, was I?"
"Oh, no, thank you—" Marian protested but Eleanor waved it away with her hand.
"I'll tell you this Lady Marian. Only you can make your choice. Only you can decide whether to choose because of duty, family, love, familiarity, or the unknown. Either way, you will always be giving up something." Eleanor leaned across the space between them and put a hand on Marian's knee. "But you'll always be gaining something wonderful, too." Marian looked into the queen's face and for a moment felt like she could do anything. Whatever her choice, it would turn out all right.
"Now," Eleanor said, standing up in one graceful motion. "Another piece of advice, don't let looming momentous life-changing decisions overshadow the smaller moments. Tonight is a wonderful example." She walked to the bed and Marian followed her, curious now that her attention was brought back to the mysterious packages the queen had brought with her.
"It is my understanding you do not own anything appropriate for a state function," Eleanor said while she untied the twine around the simply wrapped packages. "As the celebration is in your honor, with your compatriots of course, I find it imperative you are dressed the part. I hope you'll forgive me, when your clothing was sent to the laundry I asked them to take your measurements."
Marian felt her mouth drop as the brown paper wrapping fell away from the first parcel. Folds upon folds of creamy silk spilled out onto the bed. She reached out gentle fingers and stroked the soft fabric. It was so pristine she thought just touching it would leave marks.
Eleanor took the fabric in her hands and shook it out, holding it up to her shoulders so Marian could have a better look. It was a beautiful dress, a light golden cream color. Bronze oak leaves, edged with the tiniest gold beads Marian had ever seen, were embroidered on the hem and the collar, connected by bronze vines. Sheer white fabric covered the upper part of the chest up to the neck, folded in little waves. The sleeves were pointed and embroidered with bronze thread on either arm to look like archer's arm guards. The corset was laced in the back and made of the same colored fabric, but trimmed with bronze ribbon at the bottom to indicate her weapons belt. The skirt belled out slightly, but not enough that she would feel like she was walking around in an overturned boat. Instead, the fabric flowed and she found herself excited to try it on.
"My Lady, it's beautiful," she said in awe. Just because she was a Ranger didn't mean she couldn't appreciate pretty clothes.
"I was made aware of your medallion, and Lord Locksley said it was important to you. I hope you don't mind the additions I asked for," Eleanor responded, delighted by Marian's response. "But there is something else."
She laid the dress out on the bed and moved to the second package. After she unwrapped it Marian felt herself start to grin. The dowager queen hadn't left anything out. It was a dark green overcoat. The sleeves stopped at the shoulder and the rest was cut down past the chest, lacing together over the stomach. The rest of it fell to the floor in a gentle V-shape at the front so the cream underdress was exposed. But her favorite part was the hood. It wasn't quite as deep as the hood from her cloak so having it up was more decorative than functional. But it was there, and there was no doubt it was meant to represent the signature Ranger's outfit, even if Queen Eleanor didn't know it. Marian could only guess she had Robin to thank for letting the dowager queen know the cloak was important. The underside of the hood was the same cream color as the underdress but the rest was a solid, dark pine-tree green that reminded Marian of the forests from home.
She turned to Eleanor, who was watching her carefully. The queen's expression was unreadable but Marian thought she could detect a spark of enjoyment in her eyes. "Highness, I do not know how to thank you."
The corners of her mouth turned up slightly. "No need, my dear. This gift is not wholly altruistic. I cannot have my guests of honor outshined tonight. Do not worry about a thing. I'll send my second lady-in-waiting, Lucille, to help you get ready and dress your hair. It's already set, so protesting is futile," she held up her hand to head off Marian's already formed objection. "The dress is only a part of the image. Our power and strength can be shown through many forms, including dress." Eleanor looked at her like a general inspecting her soldiers and then nodded. "Sometimes a beautiful dress is as lethal as any bow. I shall see you at the celebration." With that, the queen inclined her head and then swept out of the room, leaving Marian speechless and not quite certain what had happened. The room felt emptier after the queen left and Marian found herself breathing easier. Her presence alone was powerful and she was starting to see the family resemblance.
She held up the green dress cloak, admiring the way the light played off the dark fabric. She was determined to have fun tonight. Once tomorrow dawned she would make her decision. One way or another, her life was going to change again.
There was a soft knock at her now open door and Marian turned to see a young woman who looked to be only a few years over twenty standing in her doorway. Her hair was covered by a white veil, but there were a few strands of dark, curly hair peeking out from underneath the edges. She carried a cloth bag in her hand and wore the standard red and white dress of the ladies-in-waiting. "Excuse me, my lady, my name is Lucille. The Queen Mother sent me to help prepare you for the ceremony. If you're ready to begin?"
Marian bunched the cloak's fabric in her hands and then spread it out gently on the bed next to the cream dress. "Yes," she answered. "I believe I am."