He didn't understand why people said High School was different from Junior High
for him it was the same
three years
the same classroom
same crowds
same cafeteria
same lessons
same isolation.
He once thought, at least he wasn't truly alone
Matthew was just like him
not recognized
unnoticed
often forgotten
his opinions didn't matter much
they were similar.
And he felt terrible
he was a horrible friend
cruel
egoist
filled with envy
disgusting.
If he was a good friend,
he would wish the best for Matthew
would wish his voice to be heard
would wish him to be noticed
would wish him to be happy.
Instead, he wished him not to change
to stay quiet
to stay unnoticed
to stay with him
two people, two similar people.
And now, there they were,
a French senior talking to them
no, not to them
to Matthew
and he felt out of place
resentment
jealousy
cruel, he was cruel
someone finally talked to Matthew, finally recognized him,
finally remembered his name
finally listened to him
finally smiled to him
and he should be happy for his friend
a part of him forced himself to feel so
a part of him was not.
Why did someone talk to Matthew, and not to him also?
There were two of them,
so why only one of them?
Isolation
loneliness
it was the best choice
it was painful, it made him ache
but it was safe
he wouldn't get hurt
he wouldn't think of bad (cruel, evil) things
and even if he did, no one was with him,
so no one would be unlucky to have such a
cruel
disgusting
evil
friend
acquaintance.
He deserved no one.
.
.
.
Inside his head he chanted
I'm happy (I'm not, I'm angry)
I'm happy someone finally truly talk to Matthew (Why only him?)
But he doesn't look like a nice person (Stay away from us)
But Matthew looks like he's having fun, real fun (Leave the two of us alone!)
It's okay, Matthew's happy (why aren't I?)
I'm grateful he finally have a friend (please don't forget about me
don't leave me alone
why am I the only one left out?)
And when he looked up, there were colors
beautiful green, no, not green
emerald, green just like Feliciano's courtyard
friendly, just like his brother
smiling. Why can't you smile why don't you smile why can't you be like your brother
And then the emerald shifted
green for his brother's courtyard green for his leaves
smiled to Matthew
violet that looked so beautiful, blue and purple that looked ugly on him.
.
.
.
Tour around the school, the two seniors said
Matthew looked back at him
violet eyes warm, asking for his opinion
please don't forget about me
please don't change
please don't leave me
and he nodded lightly
evil disgusting cruel filled with nothing no one would want him he deserved no one.