A/N: I am so sorry about the late update, but I think we got it right. Thank you so much EdwardsFirstKiss for your excellent skills. I am so thankful for all of your help! :)
Disclaimer : These characters belong to Stephanie Meyers.
Bella Pov
I thought about running. The thought presented such a struggle inside of me, it was almost unshakable. I was aware now more than ever that I had willingly given Edward the trust that he hadn't yet earned.
I could've left, and I probably still should, but my heart has become a problem. The thought of leaving him sends my heart crashing into the pit of my stomach. I fear that I'll never recover from this particular feeling of loss. Just the thought causes me physical pain, and leaves me wallowing in misery. This pain lingers even as the thought fades, all because I don't know if I can trust him. The thought of what he's done, and continues to do, may fade from my memory, but the trust level that we'd slowly begun to build back up; is once again broken. It's my fault, and I know it. I forgive so easily, so immediately, and I forget why I'm even upset in the first place. With him, it's even worse. It's as if he has a continual clean slate, and I wipe away his faults each and every time, and it's because I know that nobody is perfect. I'm far from perfect myself, and I acknowledge that fact is true for others as well.
The reason for my feet being rooted into his cold stoned floor beneath my feet, is my reluctance to be away from him. I don't want that. It's as if I'm shackled with an anchor grounding me here in his home, to this very place. I want to be where ever he calls home; because that's home for me too. I want to be here, and have a life with him, more than I want answers, and that's scary. That is what got me into this mess in the first place. From the beginning, I have been open, accepting, and forgiving, taking every lie he's fed me as truths.
No, this time will be different. This time, I will demand answers, no matter how badly they may hurt me to the core, or shake the fabric of our relationship. Even if it has the possibility to shatter the image of us, I will ask the right questions; because I have the will to keep us together. We've been through so much already, and now being pregnant, I have to think of how not attempting to fix us could one day affect our child.
In the end, I decide to stay. No matter how appealing the idea of leaving is, I can't do it. Leaving without an answer, without knowing why...I just can't do it. My inner turmoil is quickly interrupted by Alice and her extremely confused face. She noticed my change of mood immediately; and knew right away that she'd made a mistake. I explained to her that it is not her fault that he didn't include her in his intent to lie, even though he'd involved her.
I told Alice everything.
"Don't be too hard on him, Bella. There has to be a good reason-"
"It doesn't matter. He still lied." saying the words out loud again for the hundredth time, hurts like a bitch. He's got to stop lying to me, or I'll never believe a word that he says.
Considering my words with a nod of her head, as she chewed her bottom lip, Alice seemed to understand where I was coming from. Her look of trepidation forced me to carefully think about the possible ramifications of my actions.
Somehow my emotions have to come into subjection so that I don't explode on Edward, and do something stupid. Alice may be right. There may be a good reason, yet, I have a hard time believing that his reason for lying is worth the breach of trust between us. We are already at a pretty shaky point in our relationship, and this is just another thing on top of it all. Just one other thing on the long list of things I have to try to forgive him for.
"Can you just ask him about it first, before you, you know, cut him off. It has to be a reason."
"Alice, I'm here for good! I'm pissed, don't get me wrong, but I'm remaining calm until I know his reasoning. He'd lose his mind if I just left and didn't give him a reason why."
Alice smiles at my admission, seemingly pleased because of something I'd said.
"You love him" it's not a question.
"I do" I let out a shaky breath, unsure if admitting this to his sister is a good idea or not. "I want to tell him, but-" my words are cut off by the front door slamming shut.
"Bella!" Edward loud voice bellows through his open floor plan, and I hear him bounding up the stairs, seemingly taking them two at a time.
He didn't even think to check in the kitchen, which is hidden from the front door by a wall. Glancing over at Alice, when I hear her snickering at his belligerent yelling, I break out into a fit of laughter as well. I can't help it.
"For fucks sake." He finally finds me, and he stops at the entrance to the kitchen, his chest heaving, his tie hanging loosely around his neck, and his top buttons undone, showing off a sliver of his creamy chest.
My mouth goes dry at the sight of him, and I instinctively lick my lips, wetting them, because I know what's coming. I know what follows that look.
He walks up to me, eating the space up between us with his crazy, powerful, alpha male presence that I find sexy as sin. He grabs me by the nape of my neck, and quickly seals his lips over mine in the most mind numbing, body scorching, spine tingling, toe curling kiss. When he pulls back, his eyes are hot, and mine are heavy lidded.
That was no normal kiss.
His hand slides down my back to my waist, as he stares into my eyes.
"I have missed you, and I have had one hell of a day. I just want to climb into bed and hold you. Can I do that?" Edward's eyes search mine, and with a quick flick of both eyebrows as they lower on his beautiful face, he questions whether or not I'm okay with his plans.
He's asking, not telling! This is an improvement. I'd be an ass to deny him, but then again if I brush this lie off, he'll continue to lie to me, and I can't have that.
"Can we talk?" the words fall from my mouth in spurts, stuttering over the simple words, as I pant like a dog in heat. I have to control my hunger for him, my craving. I need to behave; and get the answers that I deserve.
"Sure. So long as we are in bed, and you are naked, we can do anything you want." he said. With a soft peck to my lips twice, he pulls me into his arms, surrounding me in his warmth. It's as if he knew I needed reassurance, or maybe he really did need comfort after a terrible day.
"Okay" the words slip through my lips before really thinking it over, and I stand there blankly, wondering what the fuck has just happened. He leans down, and kisses me soundly.
"Alice, please show yourself out, thank you!" His words are fleeting as he lifts me in his arms, and carries me out of the kitchen, not even checking to make sure that Alice is really leaving. "Baby, you are absolutely glowing. I have never seen a more beautiful woman in all of my life."
"Thank you" The smile that graces my face is a pure, and genuine smile.
I hadn't expected him to be so sweet today. Hedidwake up in a pretty shitty mood, but now he's sweet, and attentive, and more. He's so much more. More than I expected, more than I deserve...in theory. His lies only taint our trust, the relationship between us, but not how he treats me. I no longer feel like his secret whore. Nothing that he's done has ever changed how I feel about him.
Right now, he's speaking my love language, being attentive, and paying me compliments, as if he knows I'm pissed. He's appealing to me in a way that guys normally wouldn't...in a way he normally wouldn't, and I don't want to ruin the moment with a bombardment of questions and accusations.
X
When he allows me to take control, I grab the wheel fiercely, and give it all that I've got, because I know it's not easy for him. Ever since he was little, his choices have been stripped from him, his opinions didn't matter or count, and neither did his feelings. He wasn't in control of a single aspect of his life until the hotels and resorts officially became his. He then became the master of his universe, controlling both the things; and people around him. He made it so no one was afforded the luxury of a choice, just as he'd been previously deprived of the ability to make choices. No one would ever tell him no, because to him that word doesn't exist. He merely uses it as a bargaining tool, an invitation to make an offer that will sway anyone to his decision.
These are all the things that he discussed over pillow talk, while I mulled over just how the hell was I going to bring up what I'd found out earlier. But then things got hot and heavy, and we got carried away, and I was thrust into a portal of lust, and couldn't come back from it.
I swear Edward is like a drug, and I am heavily addicted. I feel so great, and so high when I'm with him, dazed, and intoxicated, drugged, and confused...until I come down. The crash is the worst part. The crash is what burns because I lose a piece of myself every time I willingly give him what he wants without a thought to the consequences of doing so.
We never really address the issues between us, we just bandage them, cover them up, and forget about them, as if that makes them go away, but they don't. They never do, and it's sickening when I come to think about it. That's when it's most like an addiction. When I hate myself for it. When I regret giving into him again, and again, and again...yet I do, and often.
But now, I'm riding him, and holding onto that sliver of control that he's allowed me to grasp for just a few moments. This is something I can control, this gives me power over him.
"God damn it, Bella! You love the way I feel inside of you, baby?"
I moan in response, loving the way he strokes inside of me, filling me, stretching me. It's the best feeling in the world.
"You're so fucking beautiful" his words pulse through my body like a caress from the inside, tickling me, and teasing me in the most sensitive areas, causing me to buck harder on him, and grind more fiercely on him. "You like that, baby?"
Releasing a deep moan, I shout 'YES' at the top of my lungs. I throw my head back in the throws of pleasure. He leans up and bites my nipple and tugs, releasing it with a moan, as he lifts his knees, taking away my control as he pistons into me.
"Damn, your body is sexy, baby!" Edward holds on to my hips, guiding my body at the pace he wants.
A grunt leaves my throat, and I look down at him, my eyes squinted, my lips parted to release my harsh breaths. I all but glare at him, and he has no idea why, but he loves it. I'm angry at him, and he doesn't even realize it. It should show in the brute force of my bouncing ass against him as I literally attempt to regain control by fucking him.
"Fuck!" he leans back, and eyes my pussy with an appreciative smile. He presses a palm to my stomach, causing me to lean back on my arms. "Look at that pretty pussy." his eyes flick to mine, as his thumb runs lightly over my clit.
"Oh, yes, god that feels good" I throw my head back.
"Come here" he says. I look up, just as he's lifting me off of his cock as if I weigh nothing. He tucks his arms around my thighs, and drags my body to him. Then his mouth descends on me. He gently swirls his tongue around my clit, and I suck in a deep shaky breath.
"Edward" I reach forward, and grab a hand full of his hair, savoring the feeling of his lips sucking on my clit.
"You taste so fucking good." he kisses the inside of my thigh, and moans, as he squeezes my thigh, and then slaps it. "I love your body, baby. Your sexy little body. These amazing thighs, your fuck awesome hips, and your spectacular ass. I could fuck you all day, and never grow tired. You are so fuckng sexy" he pulls me forward, and reaches behind me to squeeze my ass once, before rubbing my throbbing pussy between my legs.
I moan, and then lean up, just as his mouth attaches to my nipple, and I about lose my mind.
"Edward, I need you" I tell him, and even I can hear the desperation in my voice.
"What do you need, baby? Do you need my cock" he lifts his hips, and the head of his cock lightly brushes right where I need him.
"Yes, please!"
"Tell me!" he growls, and his voice is thick with arousal, it's deep, and low, and it's causing my pussy to throb uncontrollably.
"I need your cock inside of me, now" I all but shout, hoping this will be the end of his teasing.
He swirls his hips, then he reaches his hand up to wrap it around my throat. I look down at him, feeling overwhelmed by the multitude of sensations.
"Fuck me!"
He doesn't waste time after that. He grabs my hips, adjust his body, and impales me, hard, and deep.
"Holy fuck! You feel so good, so tight, and wet." he pounds into me, pushing me towards utter bliss.
I feel him so deep inside of me, so thick, and hot...my God, the places he's hitting, over and over, and over, and...
"Fuck!" the air is quite literally sucked out of my lungs, and my body instinctively rises, as a gush of liquid sprays all over my thighs, and Edwards body.
I shake, and quiver above him, my eyes rolling to the back of my head, even as I attempt to come down from my high. Yes, it's a high, and it's like nothing I have ever experienced before. I've squirted before, but Jesus, it's never been like this.
Edward doesn't wait much longer before he wraps his hands around my hips, and yanks me down onto his perfectly erect cock, thrusting upward to meet me,and I make the deepest, dirtiest grunt noise from deep within my chest. I can't help it. He feels so fucking good.
I grunt again as I place my hands on his chest, and plop down on his dick over, and over, staring deep into his dark eyes.
"Bella, baby...fuck!" he smacks my ass, and then squeezes both cheeks, as I begin to grind on him, rocking back and fourth.
"Oh, Edward!" I moan out, loving how he fills me so completely. He bends his knees once more; and begins to ram into me, my body moves with the brute force of his thrusts.
"God, I love fucking you." He says, smacking my ass, and for some fucked up, and ridiculous reason, my brain loses a battle with my mouth, and starts spewing shit I wasn't ready to admit.
"I fucking love you!" I shout back, without thinking it through. My filter fucked me over. Edward stops moving, but grips my hips. "Oh god!" I cover my mouth, then my entire face, feeling my face go red, and embarrassment overtake me. "Oh god! Oh god!"
"Baby" Edward coos, and I lose it. I slap his hands away; and try to jump off of him, but he holds my hips. "Bella " I can't even look at him.
"I didn't mean it," I say, and it's the greatest lie I have ever told.
He pulls at my hands; and holds them in his, somehow they are holding my hips. I keep my eyes closed.
"Baby, look at me" Edward's voice is soothing, but I know that as soon as he realizes that I'm not obeying him, the forceful edge will make an appearance.
I'm just buying myself time to put my words together.
"Look at me!" and there it is. The 'I mean business' voice.
I can't do it! I'm so fucking embarrassed, even more so because he didn't say it back.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me. I said, look at me."
I force my eyes open, and I expect to be met with anger, or something close, but no, there's...tenderness. Tenderness like I've never seen before.
He smiles his usual sexy smile, the one that I love and adore just a tad more than I love the others because it's so rare, and it isn't forced. It's...real, genuine, and just for me. It gives me a full glimpse into the big softy that he sometimes allows me to see.
"Baby." his voice is thick, yet soft."You love me?" he asks, and a lump forms in my throat, as my eyes widen. Is he playing a game with me? Because if he is, it's not fucking funny! He clearly heard what I'd said.
I shake my head no, and bite the corner of my bottom lip.
"Do you love me, baby?" The way he says baby this time causes my heart to leap in my chest, yet I shake my head no again, looking down at his naked chest, feeling stupid for having admitted that, and doing so while I'm in the middle of an intense fuck session, and while I'm so clearly upset with him.
He sighs heavily, looking exasperatedly at me, but there's also a look of understanding.
"Tell me that you love me, so that I can say it back."
My head snaps up to look at him. "What?"
"Don't take it back." he tells me, and I stare at him in confusion, my judgment is clouded by the fact that we have so much to address. This could've waited until we were both ready to spill everything about ourselves, or maybe while he's not hard, thick, and deep inside of me.
I shake my head no like the defiant girl that he apparently loves. I don't want to say it. Somehow I feel like it will change the dynamic in our relationship.
"I do not want to play games, Bella. You either love me, or you don't!" he says cooly, getting irritated.
Does he really expect me to put my heart out there, lay my feelings bare while he continues to lie, and do god only knows what else?
I remain silent, and still, not meeting his eyes that are so clearly piercing me with an overly intense gaze.
"Fine!" he says with finality, and then angrily he releases me. "Get off" his voice is low; and clipped.
I stare at him, wide-eyed, and confused. He's mad...at me? Is he serious? I ask him.
"Are you serious?"
"Deadly!" he sneers.
"Oh, fuck you! You're such an asshole" I shove his chest into the mattress with both hands as I stand above him, glaring down at him. When I try to walk away, he grips the back of my calf.
"I did not say you could leave. I simply told you to get off of me, because now I have to fuck an admission out of you."
"Edward," I exhale a deep breath that I'd inhaled out of frustration. This crazy, crazy, crazy man! "Go fuck yourself."
I hop off of the bed, and try to walk away, but he tugs my hand. "We are not done here!"
"Well, I am! I'm done, Edward! I'm done!" gathering up my clothes in my hands, I march for the door.
Now he's confused. "Why do I get the feeling that you are talking about more than sex?"
"Because I am" My voice raises with my level of annoyance. Who can live like this? I can't do it!
"What is your problem?" he finally gets off of the bed and waltzes over to me. His eyes slanted, and his brows knit in confusion and a bit of annoyance. "Is it your hormones? Because if it is, you need to reel that shit in, and talk to me, baby!"
"Fuck the hormones! That's not it! It's you! Everything about you just pisses me off."
"You are overreacting! We were just fucking not five minutes ago, and you were fine."
"But I wasn't!" I shout at him, and then I collapse to the ground in tears.
Why the fuck am I crying? I hate crying! So, I do what I normally do when I get emotional. I throw a fucking fit. First, it's my clothes that I throw at him, one by one, piece by piece. Then my shoes, then it's little things around me, like a pillow that had fallen off the bed during our throws of passion.
"Baby...baby...baby! Stop!" he reaches me, and falls to his knees, gripping me to him. "Talk to me!"
"I don't love you, I hate you! I hate you!"
"Why? Why do you hate me?" his voice is now raised, as he tries to grip me into his arms.
"Because you're a lying, cheating, manipulative bastard!"
"That is very specific, and I am a little hurt, but Bella, I never have -"
"Don't even say that you have never lied, because that'll just be another lie."
"What is this about, Bella?"
"You! It's about you!" Shoving at his chest, I exert my strength, trying with all my might to relieve myself of his hold. I don't want him near me right now.
"What about me? Tell me what I did, baby! I don't want you to be mad at me" he's actually trying, and for some reason it adds to my annoyance. Do I want him to blow up? I decide that I do. I always do. It's how I know that I'm not the only crazy one, affected by emotions, able to damage things in my wake all because of how incapable I am of dealing with them.
"Well, I am! Because all you do is lie to me, and fuck me, and use me, and you just-" A sound of utter frustration erupts from my mouth, and I have the sudden urge to slap him. "You'll never change! Jacob was right!" as soon as the words leave my mouth, I resent saying them and realize what I've just said to him.
He releases me as if I suddenly caught on fire, and was burning him. His face is a mixture of torture, and disbelief.
"Whatever I have done to piss you off so badly, I-" his voice cracks, and he looks away, his jaw ticking, and his nostrils flare. "I am sorry."
He stands at his full height, walks around me, and begins to put on his clothes. I watch in horror as he silently gets dressed, not meeting my gaze even once.
Without a glance at me, he turns and walks out of the room, and I fear that I just broke something in him.
"Edward!" I call his name while grabbing the sheet off of the bed to cover my naked body. "Wait!" I shout out when I hear him approach the steps, and I follow after him. I call his name again, and he turns to face me, a mask set on his beautiful face.
"Where are you going?" I ask him, and he shrugs, not able to meet my gaze.
"I don't know, but you clearly do not want me near you. I would rather you be here, than have you running off. So, I will leave."
"I don't want that! I want you to talk to me. Explain why you lied about your sisters party."
He doesn't even flinch at the knowledge, and it makes me think that maybe, just maybe I was right, and he did know that I was pissed, and he tried to manipulate me.
"Do you know who sent the texts?" I ask him, and he sighs, then nods, and his head drops. The answer was simple and easy to get out of him this time around. It sent my mind in a whirlwind of confusion. He knew...
This is just something else that he lied about. Or maybe he'd just found it out recently, but then that means he still hid it from me, which is still basically a lie.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because telling you the truth meant that I had to answer questions, Bella! I knew that you would not like the answers, and you would fucking leave me again because I am an idiot."
"Tell me." I fill the space between us, walking until I am right in front of him, not enough to touch him, but close enough until I am staring up at him.
He cups my face, and stares down into my eyes, telling me how he feels, without actually saying the words.
"Promise me that no matter what I tell you, you won't leave me," he begs, and my breath catches in my throat.
Is it that bad? It can't be. Surely, he can't expect me to give him that kind of power over me?
"I can't do that, Edward!" Strength. I am going to need strength to handle him. Not just for this conversation, but in my dealings with him from now on. I can't sit back and take his shit anymore. I need to be just as commanding and demanding as he is. I can't continue to fret over what he needs, how he needs control. If I fret over his needs, and forget my own, I will continue to lose myself to him.
"It's in the past, Bella! It does not reflect on what we have now! What we are now!"
"You lied to me, again! This is already something else that I have to forgive. I can't promise you that the next words out of your mouth won't send me packing."
"You are not going anywhere, Bella, and that is fucking final." His words are firm, but the look on his face tells me that he's not as confident as he sounds. He's terrified. "You're not leaving this house."
God, he is an infuriating man, and I have had enough of this alpha male asshole standing before me.
"So you're going to trap me into a relationship with you? Is that it?"
"I cannot lose you again! I know how that feels, and I don't particularly like it." He doesn't like knowing that he has no control over what I do, and where I go, and not so much the feeling of losing me. It's becoming apparent even as we speak.
"Tell me the truth."
Edward reluctantly releases a breath, but then inhales another one and holds it.
"Heidi sent the texts."
His words are like a punch to the stomach. I'm...devastated! He knew that she sent the texts. Was he protecting her? Is that it? I can't believe this.
"And you've done nothing! Absolutely nothing to put her in her place, have you? I bet you're still supporting her too." Then something occurs to me, and the realization almost sends me spiraling to the ground, as the thoughts swirling in my head fill me with rage.
"No, no, I'm not Bella! I kicked her out that night after I realized what I'd done," he seemed to be cursing under his breath when he realized what he had let slip.
He didn't have to let it slip, though because I knew all that I needed to know.
"Oh my god! You...you slept with her, didn't you? And you've still been supporting her, even after what happened at your birthday party." The look on his face is my undoing, and my legs wobble and give out beneath me, but Edward catches me before I hit the ground.
He pulls me over to the couch, and silently sits next to me, while I stare blankly ahead, trying to figure out how to proceed.
That's when the tears start again. I'm so fucking stupid! I took him back again without even blinking, and he betrayed me yet again.
I have to hear him say it. I already know the answer, but I have to hear him admit it.
"You had sex with her?" I repeat the question as if I don't already know the answer. Somewhere in the back of my head a tiny voice tells me that he wouldn't do that and any minute he's going to deny everything, and dispel my worry.
His head drops into his hands. "Fuuuuck!" his loud roar fills the room, and that's when I know that I had my answer.
I stand from my seat next to him, feeling crushed and like I'm drowning. I feel my heart sink into my stomach, as I try to hold back the urge to vomit, the urge to start crying again because this hurts. This pain is so much worse than anything that I have ever experienced in my life. I know what pain is. Hell, I've practically been married to pain my whole life. It's all I know, and it has remained my constant, my comfort because it's the only thing that my life has been consistent since I can remember. This is different. This feels like my chest has been sliced open, and my heart has been snatched out. This pain is excruciating, yet...I can't find it in me to cry anymore. I'm...in...shock!
"I can't believe you would do this to me" With those words, I turn my back on him, determined not to cry until I can get as far away from him as possible.
"I wanted to hurt you! I wanted to get back at you!" his voice travels the short distance of stairs that I'd traveled in order to put distance between us.
"Why? Why would you want to hurt me? I've done nothing but give you every part of me since the beginning!" I shout at him, feeling out of control as my emotions shake me to the core. I can't believe him!
"Because I saw you with him, and I couldn't handle it!" he shouts back, rising from his seat to face me. "I did not handle it well. I felt lost, and betrayed, and out of control, and I despise each of those feelings."
"So you cheat on me? That's how you make yourself feel better?" He had no words for me, and at that moment, I did hate him.
"Baby, I was trying to recreate the feelings that I have with you, with someone else. I wanted to feel that connection because I thought you had moved on. Then, when I saw you at the club, I'd planned on fucking you out of my system. I wanted to prove to myself that I could have meaningless sex with you, just as I'd had with Heidi two nights before. I wanted to prove that our connection was gone, or that there was no connection at all, but, there is! It is still here, and I can not lose this feeling, baby. I can not lose you! I am fucking crazy about you!"
"It took fucking her, for you to realize what we have?"
"No. I was hurt Bella! You left me, wouldn't talk to me for a month, and you had just moved on and didn't tell me anything. I saw you with him, and I just wanted you to hurt like I was hurting."
"You wanted to hurt me! You knew fucking her, or anyone for that matter, but mostly her would hurt me. You knew that, and you still did it."
"I wasn't thinking clearly. I am so sorry, baby, I-"
"And you gave her the opportunity to hurt me, again. You knew that she had sent the texts, yet you did nothing about it." I'm shaking with anger, not even allowing the hurt to completely creep in.
"No" he breathed. "No, I-"
"You disgust me!" I tell him, before running up the stairs to put on my clothes.
I push past the hurt and pain and focus on getting the hell out of this house. It's hard to breathe, and I can barely even see straight pass the blur of red haze covering my vision.
He knew this whole time! He'd known that she had sent the texts, and he didn't tell me, all so he could cover up the fact that he'd had sex with her.
"Bella" his voice is soft, and I hate it. I hate everything about his delicate voice. It's beseeching, and it makes me feel like I'm the bad guy, like I'm irrational, and I know it's not the case.
"What!" I hate how emotional I get, and how quickly it happens.
"Look at me." For once it's not a demand, and I'm grateful because I can't look at him. Every time I look at him, it feels like the very first time. His eyes...they hold so much wonder, always have, and they are my undoing, and always will be. Looking into his eyes, the feeling they possess me with is one of awe and wonder. It's like looking at the moon, and I mean really looking at it, and then looking at the back of the moon, only to find that it shines brightly too. It's an odd feeling. A wonderful feeling. And I'm throwing it away.
"I already feel like shit, baby, please! Please, just stay, and think things over." Hearing his careful words, and his attempt to put my mind at ease only angers me further.
I can't seem to figure out why my heart acts like a defiant teenager and wants so badly to make me listen to him. Even after everything that he has done, my heart still beats for him, still longs for him, even in his deception, my heart just wants him however he is. I can't listen to my heart right now. I can't afford to.
Our relationship has been nothing but a relentless, unpredictable storm, and I can't handle the sway of things. I need peace. My heart will just have to be still because I can't stay here. I can't stay with him.
"Think about what, Edward? What is there to think about?"
"Think about us."
"There is no us!" I shout, turning finally to face him in the door entryway. He flinches at the rise in my voice, and maybe at my words. The look on his face breaks me apart and tugs at my heart strings. I have to get out of here!
I take a step, and he blocks the door.
"Move," I tell him, and he really looks close to tears. His eyes begin to dart around his bedroom, for what, I'm not sure. His eyes are wide, fearful, and anxious, as he searches around the room for what seems to be divine intervention.
"Please! Please! Just listen to what I have to say, and then I'll leave, but I want you to stay here." His suggestion for me to stay is just another one of his ways of controlling me, and I can't have that.
"Why? So you can continue to control me?"
His head drops, he rolls his neck and lets out a long sigh.
"Is that what I do? Control you? I don't mean to," his voice is so raw, so low, and void of life. It reminds me of that time he sat in front of my door, after the last time that he betrayed me.
"You do! Like now! By not letting me leave! By not giving me a choice, you are controlling me. You don't do this to the one that you love," I tell him and watch as his arms quickly fall from the door, his shoulders slump, and he takes a step back.
His actions speak volumes, and just like that I'm back to square one. My mind battling with my heart. I know how hard it is for him to relinquish control. He's letting me go, giving me a choice, and saying that he loves me.
I stand there staring at him for the longest time, wondering if this is it. He's letting me leave. He's just letting me leave. Somehow this feels worse than if I'd angrily shoved past him because now I have a choice, and I'm terrified that I'll make the wrong one."
I continue to stare, frozen in place as the realization of everything that I've said and done comes crashing back to me. I realize just how badly I don't want to leave him. I don't want us to end. I want him to fight for me...and yet, I don't. It's better this way. I force the thought, even though, I don't believe it.
I walk past him, still watching his downcast face. I want to touch him, reach out to him, comfort him, but in the back of my head, I wonder if this is just another tactic to manipulate me. He knows what showing me his vulnerable side does to me. It causes me to drop my walls, my defenses against him, and that's when he can worm his way back to my good side.
I can't let him cause me any more unnecessary pain. I've had pain in my life for too long, and it's had the potential to break me. After the last time he'd hurt me, I guarded myself with words like a shield to protect myself, as a reminder. It was a reminder that I'd forgotten the moment he'd touched me in that club all those days ago. The reminder of just how badly he could hurt me. Just how easily he could cause me to fall. He would be the last straw in my sanity. The last thing to break me, and my inevitable downfall.
I walk away from him, down the stairs, out of the front door, and out of his life.