A/N: ok literally one more angsty chapter after this one

i'm an angst monster

The Stormtroopers in black were waiting outside and I slashed my sabers out to decapitate both of them. I didn't want to start a massive panic on Fatal. The other staff walking through the halls scattered at the sight of me until I grabbed one by the collar before he could get away. I held my blue saber close to his throat and the light danced off his wide, terrified eyes.

"Where are the Resistance prisoners?" I demanded.

"D-down the hall, elevator to the basement!"

I dropped him without another word and swept down the hallway. Ben couldn't sense me, but he knew where I'd be going, and after he recovered he would follow. My lower lip trembled again and I bit back the tears and hurriedly wiped away a few stray traitors that ran down my cheeks.

Ashla!

Bendu's voice abruptly bounced back and I staggered in shock. "Bendu?!"

Ashla, you resisted your earthly attachment for the greater good. This is the true nature of the Light and has reopened our connection. Hurry to Jedha—I will protect you from Bogan.

"If all I had to do was tell Ben off, I could've done that ages ago." I reached the elevator and clicked the button for the basement. "You can protect me?"

I shouldn't, but I will. Bogan is deeply disturbed and he will destroy everything if we do not make haste to Jedha. It may require me to reincarnate, but don't worry. This is the natural order.

Stormtroopers were waiting for me downstairs. I hadn't learned how to deflect laser blasts but I did steal the technique from Ben's thoughts, and I danced in a circle to keep them at bay. I lifted them with the Force to throw them out of my path, preferring not to cause anymore bloodshed. Bendu praised my restraint as I closed in on the rooms where my friends were being kept.

I paused in the middle of the hall and waved my hand to lift all the doors at once. All three of them peered outside and ran to me, cheering and elated. Poe gazed at me like he was seeing the sun for the first time as I pointed down the hall with my white saber.

"We have to hurry," I said. "Bendu will protect us when we get to Jedha."

"How did you get away?" Finn asked, hurrying to keep up with me.

Poe laughed and took out a blaster, cocking it. "Better question is, how did he get away from Rey?"

Rose shot a stray Stormtrooper and I swept another group of them out of our way, sending them careening into walls or up to the ceiling. Poe's eyes just got wider and wider with each use of the Force, and he was admiring the saberstaff on the elevator. I glanced at him and smiled back.

The Light was blooming in me again, delicate, but present. I could feel Poe's anguish from losing Leia. She was like a mother to him. I gently reached out to brush his consciousness and scattered some of the darkness. He was mostly Light, just like Finn and Rose.

"You know," Poe said offhandedly, "some men can't handle powerful women—but I can."

Finn sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Poe, this is not the time." Alarms went off across the ship, bathing the elevator in red. "Besides, this guy seems psychotically jealous, and he can strangle you without batting an eye."

Poe's blaster clicked and he winked at me. "Eh, I'll take the risk."

We emerged on the ship bay and met even more resistance. My connection to the Light and Bendu was rapidly opening back up, and I could sense whispering on the fringes…

Rey… Rey… I'm sorry… I love you. You can't leave me.

The others scattered behind the walls to hide and I took the center of the hall to rejoin my staff with a crackle and spun it with one hand to deflect the bolts and used my other hand to shove the Troopers out of the way. It was so easy, and I hadn't meditated yet. I wondered how obscene power would feel.

"That one!" Rose said, pointing to a small shuttle. "We can still travel at lightspeed and get to Jedha before the First Order can track us."

We rushed over, dodging attacks, and somehow reached the ships. Rose worked on getting one unlocked while Poe and Finn shot back at the Stormtroopers. I cast them aside where I could, then felt a sudden flash of darkness and flinched.

You're not going anywhere.

The fighting suddenly stopped, and the dust began to settle. I squeezed my saberstaff.

Ben appeared from the cloud, stalking past Stormtroopers who cowered from his presence. His cheeks were streaked with tears and he had the Darksaber ignited and ready. He was dressed in black and his cape billowed out behind him. His hair was matted and carelessly pushed back from his face.

I tore apart my saber and stepped around Poe to approach him. Poe grabbed my hand, shaking his head and mouthing 'no,' but I just smiled and squeezed his fingers.

Ben jolted angrily into my mind. You… the pilot?! He swung the Darksaber and took an aggressive step forward. "I'll KILL HIM!"

"I'm going to Jedha," I called, "and you can't stop me, Ben." I didn't even give his delusions about Poe the time of day. I took a few more steps forward so I was fully in his view, glaring at him.

His jaw clenched in rage and he reached out for me, flooding my mind with darkness. "You're not going anywhere! You're staying here and I'm going to keep you safe!"

My legs prickled but the influence didn't go any further. Bendu was there, combatting Ben with his own darkness like a shield around me. Ben's eyes widened and started tearing up again and he shook his head, taking another sharp step to dig into his fear and anger.

"You can't leave me," he sobbed. His fingers arched like claws and he kept shaking his head. "Please, Rey, PLEASE. I love you; I won't hurt you!" He strained his fingers towards me and staggered forward, dark eyes wide and pouring tears down his cheeks. He looked… possessed. "Come back!"

A fleeting memory brushed through my mind: Unkar Plutt restraining me while I screamed for my parents to come back, confused and terrified. I probably looked a lot like Ben.

Go, Ashla. Quickly. If you turn back now, you will never escape.

I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. I took a few steps back, then turned and ran to the last remnants of the Resistance as they were boarding the shuttle. Ben screamed behind me and the shuttle trembled as he turned his rage on it, but Bendu again intervened, twisting the Dark and turning it back on Ben. He was forced to stop or continue tormenting himself.

Finn stared out the window. "Why aren't any of them firing on us?"

"He wants her back, not dead." Poe was piloting, flipping switches and starting the engine. "Alright, who knows where the hell Jedha is?"

"I do," I said, leaning over from the copilot seat. "Bendu showed me the coordinates a while ago."

We lifted off into space and I turned before lightspeed kicked in. Ben was kneeling on the floor, staring up at us. I touched the window pane and felt our connection shiver and snap back to both of us. Darkness crept into my mind again, and I unsurely turned away as we took off at lightspeed.

Poe blew out a deep breath. "That was fun." He glanced at me, then swiveled his chair to face me. "Kylo Ren seems extra crazy nowadays."

"He misses his mother." I put my feet up on the array panel and eyed my slippers with distaste. "If I had gone to Jedha first, and we were balanced, I could've helped. Thankfully we'll be there soon and I can correct it before he does something really stupid."

I'll kill the pilot.

It was a strange comfort hearing Ben's voice in my head again, even if he was dangerously hysterical. I flinched from the intrusion and my three friends frowned.

"It's Ben," I explained. "He's DELUSIONAL!" I shouted the last word so it ricocheted through Ben's head, stunning him for a moment.

He better not try anything, Ben snapped back.

Finn raised his eyebrows. "…Anything we can do?"

"You're acting like a child!" I was caught up in my argument with Ben, talking out loud like I usually did with him. "I'm not following the path that turned you into a psychopathic megalomaniac. And if you ever attack me in bed like that again—"

That's what you WANT! Ben trickled into my thoughts to siphon through memories until he found the ones buried deep down, the things he'd seen a few days ago before we left for Crait. And it gave you the push you needed to truly utilize the Dark Side.

The three of them glanced between each other as I got to my feet and paced out of the cockpit.

I ran a hand through my hair, furious. "You can't just pick things out of my head and assume they're what I want!"

Ben's presence waxed—he was annoyed, too. Then why are those thoughts in your head if you find them so repulsive?

"That's not the point."

Then why don't you get to the point?

"Thoughts are not words. Seeing some vague thought I had two weeks ago isn't the same as speaking to me like a normal person and asking permission."

It's the pilot, isn't it? Ben totally ignored me and went rummaging through my mind again, searching for Poe. He's a cocky little whelp.

I sank down to the floor, holding my head in my hands. "Ben, I barely know him. What is your problem?"

He's the embodiment of attachment and is only attached to you, and it's driving him mad. Bendu swirled into my thoughts, as random and helpful as always. It will abate during your meditation. If you had turned back, I assume you would be chained in a cell. Bogan is deeply possessive and selfish without any Light to show him the way.

Ben didn't react to Bendu, so I figured it was a private conversation. I could feel Ben analyzing all my short interactions with Poe, and Finn, and even Rose.

I leaned my head back on the wall. "Bendu, all the Force visions were wrong. Leia is… gone."

The visions follow your current trajectory. Each has a kernel of truth and or a hint of idealism. You are the truth of the Force, Ashla, and Bogan is the idealist, so the visions were created to appeal to both of you. It is unfortunate about Leia Organa. Her brother mourns her.

"We miss her here, too." I twiddled my thumbs. "So who made the visions?"

That I do not know. You, Bogan, and I are aspects of the Living Force, which draws from the energy of all living things in the galaxy, and together we feed the Cosmic Force that binds the very universe together. The Cosmic Force is beyond our reach—it can only be sensed. Perhaps it created them to ensure its own survival, as it would cease to exist without the three of us.

Ben's voice filtered through. Rey… Come back. I'm on my way to Jedha now with Daybreak.

He'd calmed down a bit, but I knew he was volatile. I lazily turned my head to see Poe peeking around the corner watching me talk to myself. The image flashed in Ben's mind, too, and he prickled irately.

"Mysterious Force things?" Poe asked, smiling and sitting across from me.

"Don't you sit and mutter to yourself for fun?" I looked to the cockpit to see Finn and Rose were talking and closed my eyes. "So… The First Order won't last much longer, and the Republic will need a leader. Finn told me Leia wanted to pass the mantle to you."

"Yeah, she did. But… shouldn't you take over? Y'know, with all the Force stuff?"

Look how short he is—I could step on him.

I ignored Ben and shook my head, looking at Poe again. "You bled and sacrificed for this war. That's who people will want as a leader, not some scavenger from Jakku. Ben and I played our part."

"Still, you could be a good symbol of hope for everyone." He waggled his fingers, grinning. "The Ashla."

"…Maybe."

Poe's smile faded and he rested his arms on his knees. "You should rest for a while first."

"I fully intend to."

With me. Ben nudged my mind, irate. Say with me.

"Without Ben," I added acidly.

Finn and Rose stepped into the hall as Poe laughed. Ben stewed bitterly in my thoughts but I ignored him and stood up, yawning.

"I'm exhausted," I said. "Wake me up when we get to Jedha."

It was weird being around them. I'd missed Finn to death, and I was happy that Poe and Rose were keeping an eye on him, but something was different. I was different. I'd traveled across the galaxy and come to shoulder a huge responsibility, fallen in love, and looked deeper into myself than I ever thought possible. Ben was right when he said no one else would ever understand. It was isolating.

Don't be sad. The Dark was there, soothing and tempting. Ben, the Dark. They were the same. I will never leave you.

I was too tired to keep fighting him. I shuffled into one of the small crew rooms with a cot and collapsed on it, eyes heavy and prickly from sleepiness. Ben crept along the fringes of the Light, no longer finding comfort in it, and I could feel the deep fear of abandonment front and center. I curled into a ball and closed my eyes. Everything would work out soon.

"Rey."

I was sleeping, but Ben's voice wakes me. Groggy, I glance to my left to see what I expect: his dark eyes watching me, but it's not there. I frown and shiver a bit in the cold and glance down.

His ear is pressed to the small bump between my hip bones and his eyes are bright and excited. I am not as excited to be woken up. I run my fingers through his hair with one hand, using the other to cover up a yawn. He does this a lot.

"What?" I mumble.

Ben gently places his hands on my stomach, obscuring half my body, and closes his eyes. "I can hear her through your mind. She had hiccups." His smile fades and he looks up to me, nervous. "Is that normal?"

I stroke his head and yawn again. "Haven't you read that baby book like ten times?"

"Fifteen." He narrows his eyes, lips puckered, deep in thought. "Could be hiccups… or something else."

Ben crawls back beside me and grabs the baby book off our nightstand that he constantly refers to. He flips through a few pages, using the moonlight from the window to read, then slips his arm under my head so I can doze back off on his chest. His fingertips brush through my hair while he reads and murmurs to himself, and I fall back asleep.