SO VERY MUCH ALIVE

Erandur and Lydia seemed a bit distant since the night I had the dremora lord kill Grelod the Kind. I didn't mind. I knew what I did might be wrong but I couldn't stand by knowing the children were being treated the way they were. The fact that I couldn't stay patient and wait for a Dark Brotherhood member was the only thing I felt bad for. Now we weren't any closer in finding the Dark Brotherhood and I had destroyed our only lead. The small grasp I had at finding Faendal was taken away by myself. I laughed and shook my head at the irony. But I felt I needed to let the little Aretino boy that the orphanage was a safe place again. It would be a lot better for him then living in an abandoned house with a corpse, I thought with a shudder.

We walked through the Rift back to Windhelm. This was my least favorite area. The cracked dried earth was ugly compared to the rest of Skyrim. We were approaching the giant camp the stood just off the road. The one that held the giant that I knew was the cause of my amnesia. I stopped and stared at the giant as it slowly walked around the towering campfire. I wanted revenge on the giant. I began to raise my hand to conjure an atronach when Lydia grabbed my wrist. "Don't," she said, "He is protected by the Jarl of WIndhelm." She pointed to a piece of parchment hanging to a post by a dagger.

I stared at the parchment for a minute before I dropped my arm. "Fine," I muttered as I continued passed the giant's camp. I wonder if Basilio ever woke up. I felt guilty. He never crossed my mind anymore.

"Are you alright?" Erandur asked.

I glanced at the Dunmer. "I'm fine. Why?"

"I may have only met you a week ago but you are acting different since," He paused. I knew what he was going to say.

"I just want to get to Windhelm and talk to the child. Ok?" I said before he could finish his sentence. I continued towards WIndhelm leaving Erandur and Lydia speechless. I was irritated at myself because of my rash decision we had no way of finding the Dark Brotherhood. I was irritated at that Sithis thing as well. "Why didn't it tell me what it wanted me to do?!" I roared at the empty land. I collapsed to my knees and watched the dust billow away from the sudden impact.

Lydia kneeled next to me. "Maybe we should take a few days to rest when we get to Windhelm. I think the anxiety of finding the Dark Brotherhood and…. well, what happened yesterday is getting to you." I glanced up at her. She looked worried. "I'm afraid you might go into shock."

"Shock?" I asked. I pushed myself to my feet and continued down the path. I was determined to get this over with. "I've been through shock after escaping Helgen. I'm not going into shock." Although, Faendal's calming spell would be nice right now, I thought.

The sun hung low in the sky when we walked across the stone bridge to Windhelm. A guard stopped us at the gate. "You! I know you!" He exclaimed.

"You…. know me?" I was hesitant to ask especially with what just happened.

"Yeah! You're the dragonborn!" He said excitedly.

"Oh, yeah. I guess I am." I replied with relief.

"Can you shout for me?" He asked.

My eyes widened. "Shout?"

"You can shout, right?" He looked at me skeptically.

"Of course I can!" I asserted. But what shout could I use here? I asked myself.

"What about the one you learned in Jurgen Windcaller's tomb?" Lydia suggested. That's right! That shout doesn't affect anyone but me.

"Fiem!" I shouted. Gasps of amazement were made around me as the guards stared at me. I was see through like a ghost. "Lydia, try to touch me."

She was hesitant to try but reached out. Her hand went through my body. "By Mara!" Erandur exclaimed.

"You really are the dragonborn!" The guard exclaimed.

"But what about that Stormcloak?" Another one asked.

"He's dragonborn too, you sod!" he stated loudly.

"There can be more than one dragonborn?"

The guard opened his mouth to reply but stopped after a moment. He looked puzzled. The two guards started to argue over whether there could be multiple dragonborns at one time. We left them to argue and entered the city. Erandur and Lydia went into the tavern as I traversed the winding streets of Windhelm once again. I was soon lost amongst the streets of WIndhelm and found myself in a part of the city that looked broken down and fallen apart. "Where am I?" I asked aloud.

"This is the Grey Quarters," a Dunmer replied as he walked by. The grey quarters? He turned back to me, "You're not from here. Not many non-Dunmers come to this area."

"I was looking for the Aretino residence." I told him.

The Dunmer looked bewildered. "Why would you want to go there? It's haunted!"

Haunted!? It might be creepy but that place isn't haunted. Oh, I hope that child isn't staying there with a rotting corpse. My stomach churned at the thought. "It's just morbid curiosity I guess." I told him.

He looked at me doubtfully but shrugged. "Not my business I suppose but I could help show you the way if you wanted."

"That would be nice," I smiled.

I began to follow him through the cold streets. "My name is Malthyr Elenil. I work at the New Gnisis Cornerclub. You should check it out if you have the time." I nodded in agreement. I never even realized there was another tavern in the city.

He watched me for a moment in silence as we continued walking. "Oh! Right, I'm Rhew."

"That's a strange name for a woo-"

"I'm a Snow Elf," I interrupted before he could finish.

"Snow Elf!" He exclaimed in disbelief. "I've heard of you!" Everyone has heard of me apparently, I thought peeved. "A snow elf ate the soul of a dragon in Winterhold."

"Oh, yes. That." Winterhold seemed so long ago. "I didn't eat it's soul. It just kind of rushes into me."

"Wow! What does it feel like?" He asked.

I was a little stunned at his question. No one had ever asked that before. What did it feel like having a soul rush into my body? I pondered the question. "It feels like jumping into the freezing river. But it's warm." I finally said.

HIs face furrowed in thought as he tried to imagine the feeling. He shook his head. "I can't imagine that. Sounds amazing though!" I could see the strangely shaped house ahead. The Aretino house. "There you are. The haunted house for you. Good luck with whatever you're doing there." He said. I thanked him and headed inside.

The house still felt as creepy as before but the little boy wasn't chanting this time. I rounded the corner and ran into the little boy. I started. He was so quiet! "You're back! I was getting worried! It's been so long! So…. is she…. you know….."

I pressed my lips together uncomfortable at having to say what I was about to. "Yes, she's… dead."

He jumped in delight. "Yes! She's gone! Finally! I can go back to my friends!"

This little child is going to cross Skyrim by himself? "Do you need company to Riften?" I asked him.

"Don't worry about me! I can take care of myself!" He said proudly puffing out his chest.

"Well, alright. I guess I'll go then." I said uncertain as I turned to leave.

"Wait! I wanted to give you this." I turned back to have a plate thrust into my hands.

"I….. what?"

"It's my family heirloom. You should be able to get something for it. And thanks again!"

I studied the plate confused. It's just a plate. "Um, you're welcome." I left the house and began walking back to the tavern studying the plate with more confusion. I wasn't expecting a gift or payment or whatever this was. I did what I thought was best for the children. Out of the corner of my eyes I noticed a man running to me in a hurry. I looked up from the plate. It was a currier. He looked spooked.

"I've got a letter for you." He said. His voice wavered a bit in fright.

I leaned back a little from him wary of the letter. "Who is it from?"

"I - I don't know. Scary fellow in dark robes. His face was hidden under a hood." He placed the letter on top of the plate I held as if it would shock him. "Well, good luck." I watched him walk away confused. Good luck?

I placed the plate under my arm and broke the seal to the letter. I gasped in horror at the letter. The plate fell from my arm and shattered. There was an imprint of a hand. Two words were written underneath: WE KNOW.

I entered the tavern shaking and found Erandur and Lydia near a fire. "What's the matter? You look as white as a ghost!" Erandur exclaimed when I sat at the table. I placed the broken pieces of the plate and the letter on the table. Lydia and Erandur only watched me. I nodded at the letter. Erandur finally picked up the letter and opened it. "Oh, this is bad, Rhew."

I looked at them with frightened eyes. "Something is going to happen to me, right?" I asked them in a hushed voice.

"I won't let anything happen to you." Lydia responded.

I tried to smile but I was worried. "What if I disappear?"

"I'll search all of Skyrim for you. You are my thane." She told me.

I shook my head. I couldn't let her do that. "No. That will put you in danger as well. If something happens to me I want you to wait for me in Whiterun."

"But what if you're in danger!" She protested.

"I have my atronachs and dremoras to protect me. I'm not defenseless." I assured her. She didn't look convinced. "You're like a sister to me. I won't see you harmed. Promise me you'll wait in Whiterun." Lydia didn't look happy at what I was asking but she reluctantly agreed. I looked at Erandur. "Thank you for your help as well."

"What are you thanking me for?" He asked, "I told you I'm going to stick around until I know you and your love have reunited. I'll wait in Whiterun with Lydia."

"Why are you making all these plans, Rhew? You don't know what is going to happen. Maybe this is it. The letter might be to scare you from doing one of their jobs in the future." Lydia commented.

"I don't know. I just have this sinking feeling." I replied as I stared at the pieces of the plate the little boy gave me. I laughed. "This was what we wanted, right? To find the Dark Brotherhood? I guess it worked."

"Not if it means your death!" Lydia protested. "You're the dragonborn! No one else can deal with the dragons!"

"What about Soldin? Everyone thinks he's dragonborn, too." I pointed out. I was confused about the large Nord. Hadn't he suggested he wasn't the Dragonborn? I tried to think back to when Soldin and I talked. He didn't deny it either though.

"He's only using it for political reasons," she said with disgust. "You are actually doing something." Am I? I wondered. I felt like I was just stumbling into places that just so happened to be where I needed to be.

We ordered some dinner and I tried to eat the soup that was placed in front of me but I was only able to down a few spoonfuls. I suddenly felt tired. Maybe it's all the stress, I thought. I left the main room and fell into the bed. I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

I felt groggy when I awoke. It felt like I had slept for days. "Lydia?" I called out as I sat up. I rubbed my eyes and opened them. Where am I? This wasn't the inn in Windhelm. There were cupboards and dressers haphazardly sitting around the room. There was a woman in black and red leather sitting on top of one of the cupboards. Her face was hidden by a cowl and hood but I could see that she was smiling.

"You're finally awake." She said.

That black and red leather armor. It's the same armor the man we passed in Dawnstar was wearing, I realized. "Where am I?" I asked.

"Does it matter? You're warm, safe, and so very much alive," Her voice dripped with confidence. I felt she was talking to me as if I were below her. "The same can't be said for poor Grelod." My eyes widened in shock. "Oh, yes. We know all about what you did to her. How you struck her down in front of the eyes of all those little children." She chuckled. "It was quite messy."

"It was a dremora." I whispered.

"A dremora?" She seemed even more amused at this. "Don't get me wrong. I'm not condemning you. It was a good kill. The old crone had it coming. And you saved a group of urchins to boot. So noble of you." I shifted uncomfortably on the bed. "But it wasn't your kill. That child was searching for the Dark Brotherhood. For us." So, she really is part of the Dark Brotherhood, I thought excitedly. "You stole that kill from us."

I glanced around the room and noticed for the first time three people kneeling on their knees bound with bags tied over their heads. I gasped and backed into the opposite wall. "What is going on!?" I demanded.

"A kill for a kill." She explained nonchalantly. "You took one of our kills. One of these three unfortunate souls has a contract out for them. But who is it?" She was playing with me as if I was a mouse and she was a cat.

"You want me to kill one of them?" I was horrified by the idea.

"Why yes, yes I do." She answered, "What's wrong? You've killed before. This isn't anything new."

I felt conflicted. Was this what Sithis wanted me to do? Did he expect me to do what the Dark Brotherhood asked for? Was I supposed to join them? Become one of them? I couldn't ever become a cold killer. That wasn't who I was. Why didn't this thing tell me what it wanted? "What if I refuse?"

She laughed. "Refuse?! Look, someone here is going to die. Do you want it to be you?" No, I really didn't want to die. I walked weakly towards the three bound people. I could hear them struggle. Their muffled screams demanded to be let go.

I went one by one and asked them why someone would want them dead. The first was a sellsword who got a little too carried away with one of his jobs. The second was a mother of multiple children. She seemed very rude and didn't care what others thought of her. The last was a Khajiit who seemed to do everything vile and was proud of it. I could see how each of these people might have a hit on them but how could I decide who should die?

I balled my hands into fists as I heard the three beg for their lives. This wasn't right. I was shaking with anger. This wasn't right. I shouldn't be the one deciding whether they live or die. I turned back towards the woman sitting on the cupboard. Her eyebrows raised as if asking me which one I would choose. Someone here had to die? Who deserves to die?

I conjured a dremora lord. "I honor my lord!" It yelled. Are these things ever quiet!? The three bound people's begging became more urgent at it's screams. I looked up at the woman. she cocked an eyebrow. I glanced back at the three behind me. I knew which one deserved death.

I pointed at the woman. "Attack her only!" I commanded the dremora. He unsheathed his sword and ran at her.

"So be it!" She yelled as she jumped from the cupboard. A dagger was in her hand. She dodged the dremora's swing and ran at me. Her dagger swung down.

"Fiem!" The dagger slashed through my phantom body. I ran and jumped on the bed. The three bound people were screaming at the commotion. I threw an ice spike at her. She dodged it. She is quick!

"I will feast on your heart!" The dremora lord roared. He was able to get behind her while she was concentrating on me. His sword pierced the woman through the back. Her hands felt the tip of the blade that extended through her stomach. Her eyes bulged. She fell to the ground when he pulled the sword out.

I walked up to her and kneeled next to her. She was still breathing. Fast and raspy. Her hand was reaching out for her dagger. I grabbed it and plunged it deep into her chest. She gasped once more and stopped moving. I felt a strange energy flow into me. This dagger must be enchanted, I thought as I pulled it out of her chest.

I stared at the dagger, at the blood that dripped from it in horror. This was…. I just killed someone. Me. Not one of my atronachs or dremoras. And I did it without thinking about it. It was killed or be killed, right? If I didn't kill her then I would have been killed, right? I tried to comfort myself but I was shaking. What do I do now? How do I find the Dark Brotherhood now?

"Get me out of these things!" The woman bellowed. It snapped me out of my thoughts. I wiped the blood off the dagger and went to the bound people. I cut their ropes and helped them get the hoods off their heads.

"You're safe now." I told them. I looked around the empty shack. There was a small satchel on the cupboard where the woman had sat. I grabbed it and searched the satchel. There was some gold, a key, and a letter. The letter was addressed to an Astrid but didn't say who it was from. I glanced at the woman that laid dead on the floor. Was this Astrid?

"You know," the sellsword started. I turned and looked at him. "There's a Penitus Oculatus outpost at Dragon Bridge. They've been trying to take down the Dark Brotherhood for years. You should find them and let them know what just happened." I looked back at the woman that laid dead on the floor. Astrid.

I nodded. "You're right. That's what I'll do." I no longer cared what Sithis wanted me to do. My blood boiled. I wanted the Dark Brotherhood dead. Anyone who wore the black and red armor was going to die at my hands. I was going to make sure of that.