Author's Note: I added this chapter because a couple people expressed interest in this conversation. Hope the rest of you enjoy it too. Andy is next, I swear.
As always, thanks to those who have reviewed/followed/favorited this so far. Honest feedback means a lot!
Chapter 25: Bonding
"I figured I would put all the computer hacking I taught myself to use to flip him the bird on the way out and maybe do a little good in the process," Ray casually gives Sam's shoulders a couple pats before sauntering off toward the truck. It felt pretty good to surprise and impress his son.
Sam watches him go with a big dimply grin of his own. His Dad sure seemed to have come along way from the naïve guy who got rolled so badly all those years ago. Who would have guessed he'd have the stones to pull that off right before he got out? This is the kind of Dad who's gonna be fun to have around.
"Cheers," Sam clinks his bottle with his Dad, to toast their first beer together.
"So?" Ray prompts.
"So what?" Sam plays dumb.
"So, what's the story with Andy McNally?"
"Uh, well, it's not exactly in happy ending territory right now," Sam grimaces. "I kind of screwed things up. But, um, I'm not sure how badly yet. She's gone on some undercover assignment as part of a big task force."
"Oh, so you're the one left behind for a change," Ray smirks. "Does Sarah know?"
Sam rolls his eyes. "Yeah, and it gets better. Andy's partnered with the guy who was sort of her breakup buddy after I bailed out on her…and it's being run by the guy she used to be engaged to."
"Oh. Is that actually as bad as it sounds?" Ray asks with a worried frown.
Sam sighs, "I hope not. I mean, there was a time I would have thought taking that particular long-term assignment means she's just moved on. I kind of let that engagement get in my head and screw up my ability to really believe in what we had. But that wasn't the main issue, so I don't know why I even brought that part up. I'm not really worried about either Callaghan or Collins. I don't think they had much to do with her taking the slot, other than maybe her ability to talk her way onto the team, I guess."
"Sounds like things were pretty serious, whether you wanted them to be or not. So why did you break it off? If I'm following things here, you did that before the task force came up, right?"
Sam nods, "Yeah. It was right after Jerry died."
"Ah," Ray nods. "So things got messy trying to date someone you work with, then?"
Sam laughs without humor, "Yeah. You could say that. At the time it seemed way too complicated, and I just got to the point I couldn't handle it anymore. But after Kate came back, I realized I was just overcomplicating everything. Which is pretty ironic because I back when I was training Andy, I used to give her a hard time about over thinking everything."
"You were Andy's training officer? Well, that explains a lot. Easy to have some sparks take hold. Forbidden fruit, working closely together in situations where you know what you're doing and can show off a little without even trying…. But not as easy to turn the corner and transition that into a real relationship you both can live with, huh?" Ray eyes his son to see if he's in the ball park here.
"We… hit a few bumps. Yeah," Sam admits, running a hand through the hair at the nape of his neck.
"But I realized recently that compared to every other relationship in my life, McNally is a walk in the park. It's kind of like you said, like it or not I've been in love with her for a long time now. But now I finally just know, for sure, that I want to figure it out and do everything I can to make this a permanent thing with her. And I think even after everything that happened, I have a decent shot at getting her to give me a second chance. I told her I'd made a mistake and wanted to make it up to her. I didn't exactly do it the right way or say the right things, but I think she was halfway to deciding to at least hear me out before she got called in to start her assignment. At least, I hope I'm not kidding myself about that.
But even if I'm not, I know things get ugly sometimes on undercover assignments. There's always a chance it changed her enough that she really is done with me," Sam shrugs uncomfortably at the thought. It's the first time he's really acknowledged that particular fear to himself, and saying it out loud made it seem a little too real.
"There's only one way to find out. You've just got to give it your best shot. When do you think she'll be back?" Ray asks.
"Hard to say. Could be any day now, or another couple months still. They're being crazy tight with information on this. None of the guys I could normally rely on to give me information will say much more than she's OK, and things are going well," Sam sighs. "It does make me wonder. Something is up about this task force. It's more than just the fact that Andy and I got in trouble for getting together when I was undercover. My guys wouldn't shut me out just because of that."
"So you got yourself into official hot water with this woman already?" Ray asks.
Sam laughs harshly, "Yup, we both got suspended for conduct unbecoming during my last undercover gig. But that wasn't really a big deal. It was mostly just a formality the suits had to do. Except she actually took the no contact part of our suspension seriously. She took off for the boon docks and I didn't hear a peep from her for three months. That was sort of the beginning of our problems.
The thing is that because of my inept handler, not anything we did, I got made and almost killed. That's how it got out that we'd seen each other a couple times when I was under. I didn't tell anyone at the time everything that happened at the farmhouse where the guy I was working took me. She left before I could even decide whether I should tell her, and I guess I took it personally. Which was totally irrational because she didn't know what I was dealing with. Hell, I didn't really know. By the time Andy came back, I thought I was over it.
But months later Kate actually figured out that I had a brain injury that caused some disruption to certain thought processes. So that sort of put everything in a different light, I guess." Sam catches the panicked look in his Dad's eyes, and rushes to continue, "Don't worry, I'm fine now. She figured out exactly what it was and worked out a way for me to go on leave under cover of developing a training module. She put together a whole rehab program that got me back on track."
Ray sighs, "Sam, I know we don't have a history of being close. And I know you might not want to talk to me about it yet. But if you're ever ready, I'm here. Andy time."
Sam nods, but can't speak at the moment.
"I do think you need to tell Andy about this when she gets back. Don't just brush it off as ancient history because you feel like the problem is solved. This sort of thing festers. You can't have a successful relationship and hold back big things like that. If she loves you, she'll want to know even at this late date," Ray advises.
"Yeah, I know. Now that I understand better what was going on in my own head, it doesn't seem as impossible to talk about. I still don't know exactly how I'm gonna do it, or how soon I should bring it up. But I will talk to her about it. I want her to understand what it was like, but I just…
I don't want her to think I'm trying to excuse the things I did that were totally out of line. I broke things off really abruptly and didn't really talk to her or give her any explanation for six weeks. That was…. No matter what, I should never have done that to her," Sam says shaking his head. "Sometimes I still can't believe that I did," Sam says with a grimace.
"No one's perfect, Sam. So, you made a few mistakes, and one very big one, with Andy. Half the battle is convincing her that you really get how it must have felt to her, that you know it's going to take a while to rebuild trust, and that you're capable of doing things differently. In my experience, that's usually the most important thing to overcoming a major rupture to a relationship.
But I think she does need to know the context to feel like there's any chance you won't pull the same thing again when the going gets tough. I don't know how much you've told her about some of the other things that have affected you, but…"
"You mean all my childhood baggage?" Sam mocks.
"Family issues, yes. And maybe a little about what happened with Kate. It might help her to know what pushes your buttons, and why you're more gun shy about jumping into things than most people…"
Sam snorts, "Well, considering that I didn't even know the straight story myself about most of the big things that have affected my life, you're right. I haven't told Andy much."
"Okay, Okay. I deserved that dig. You don't have to tell me that I'm the root of most of your baggage, if you want to call it that," Ray sighs. "Look, I guess what I'm trying to say is that some of your best qualities are tied up in all of the things you've gone through too. Once someone is in your inner circle… Sam, I don't know anyone who's more loyal or does more for those you love when they really need you.
This break-up with Andy during a crisis is probably the only time in your life that you've ever let anyone down in a major way. It's definitely not a pattern with you. It's a big deal, but you have to cut yourself some slack. Most people have at least one moment in their lives when they're just overwhelmed and aren't there for others."
Sam just grunts skeptically, not sure he believes that, let alone that Andy will see it that way. Or rather, she probably knows that all too well, and sees him as just another in a long line of people who have let her down just when she starts to believe in them.
"Anyway, enough about my love life, or lack thereof. It's going to get dark soon, and I have something I want to show you," Sam says, determined to snap out of the negative thoughts.
As Sam pulls up in front of the house, Ray asks, "So you do know where it is. I wasn't sure if you had ever come by here."
Sam chuckles, "I hadn't until recently. Let's just say I had an interesting first look."
"Swinging by here was a nice thought. It looks the same," Ray says wistfully.
"The inside has changed a little more," Sam says casually, watching his father closely.
Ray's head snaps around to look at Sam in surprise, "You've seen the inside too?"
"Yup," Sam grins. "We're not just stopping by. Welcome home, Dad."
Ray frowns, confused. "What do you mean?" His eyes widen as Sam pulls out a set of house keys.
"Let's go inside and I'll explain it while I make dinner," Sam suggests.
Ray swallows, still not quite sure what's going on here. "Okay," he finally agrees hoarsely.
Sam puts an arm around his Dad's shoulders as they walk up the steps, "You and Mom were right about this neighborhood. It's one of the hottest areas in the city now."
As the walk inside, Sam watches as his father tears up looking around. Even with the changes, it seems to have thrown him back in time. Sam gives him some space to take it all in, hoping the way he seems to be lost in memories is a good thing. He's been a little nervous about whether this was a good idea, to be honest.
Sam eyes his father closely when he rejoins him in the kitchen after having wandered slowly through the first floor rooms. He seems OK, Sam guesses. He motions to the deed on the island.
Ray searched his eyes for a long time before picking them up. The seller listed is a shell corporation, but he's pretty sure he knows what's going on here.
"Is this Kate's mother's doing?" Ray asks softly.
Sam nods, clearing his throat nervously. "I uh, hope it's OK. I told her it doesn't make up for anything. But…," he sighs. "Dad, I just thought you deserved to get the chance to live here if that's what you want. It should never have been seized in the first place, and you and Mom put a lot into this place."
Ray sets the lease down, and looks around the rooms. He expels a long breath, "Alright. Your Mom would've said no. But I honestly don't care what Catherine Connolly's motives are. I'd like to come back someplace familiar. Mostly familiar anyway," he says with a twitch of his lips. "She sent these clothes too, didn't she?"
Sam winces and nods. "Yeah, I think so. Sorry. I was kind of hoping you wouldn't figure that out."
Ray rolls his eyes and laughs, "It's pretty nice Armani. I knew you didn't pick this stuff, and Maplehurst sure as hell didn't spring for it. It didn't take a genius to figure it out."
Pretty soon they're both laughing for no apparent reason, except to release some tension at the absurdity of the whole thing.
Sam stops laughing long enough to gasp out, "You do look pretty sharp. She may be a borderline psychopath, but she has good taste."
Ray pulls a face, "She's a piece of work, alright. But she does owe me. As long as she doesn't start trying to set me up on dates with ladies from her charity teas, I'm fine."
"Oh, God. Don't joke about that around Kate. She'll probably pass it along, and give her ideas," Sam's laughter trails off though.
He frowns a bit instead, "Wait, what are you going to do about building a social life again? I hadn't really thought about things beyond making sure there was room for Sarah's brood to visit this weekend."
Ray rolls his eyes and snarks, "I'll make a Facebook page," before adding more seriously, "One step at a time, Sam. I need a little while to adjust before I'm ready for much socializing anyway… and I don't need my son to worry about my sex life," he says with a twinkle in his eye. "You're looking at the original Swarek here. I'm much more charming than you, and you've always turned plenty of heads."
Sam wrinkles his nose in mock disgust, "Yeah, OK. Enough over sharing. I didn't mean to bring up your hypothetical sex life," for a second Sam feels bad about that crack because, well, it has been a long time since his mother was in good enough health for conjugal visits.
But his Dad just says, "Whatever, wiseass. Are you gonna actually cook me some dinner or what?"
"I'm on it. There's beer and wine in the fridge. Why don't you look around the rest of the house. I bought basic groceries and personal care stuff, but make a list and I'll take you to the store to pick up whatever else you need after dinner."