TMNT: New Beginnings
Chapter Twentyfive: Choices
As Michelangelo opens his eyes, he wakes-up to a surprise. A nice surprise, that has him smiling from ear-to-ear...
Without even having to move, he can see the smiley face picture Nicolosa had left him lastnight, stuck on his bedroom door. He knows right away that it's from her. And it obviously means she liked the little present he'd left for her lastnight.
Downstairs, Splinter sits in his quiet room, meditating. Leonardo is in the kitchen eating his usual cereal. Donatello is still at his computer. And Nicolosa is annoying Raphael; bouncing Skittles off of his head as he's tries to watch television. Raphael had found it kind of amusing... for the first minute or so. Now he's starting to get aggravated.
"You really oughtta see someone about that death wish of your's, Nik." He comments with a slight warning in his voice.
"Hey, Mikey! Think fast!" She grins as she tosses a Skittle into the air at Michelangelo as he approaches them.
He catches it in his mouth with ease. As he chews it, an accomplished smile grows on his face as he notices Nicolosa wearing the choker he'd given her.
"I got it!!" Donatello suddenly yells.
Nicolosa jumps-up and runs over. Michelangelo also makes his way over.
"Got what!?" Nicolosa asks, excitedly, wanting to see Donatello's latest accomplishment.
"Here. This is the address registered to it." He says, pointing to the screen whilst he notes it all down on a piece of paper. "And this is the email and the password."
Raphael also comes to join them now, to have a look at the address and confirm if it does or doesn't match the address they were at the other week.
Splinter also enters now, walking towards the kitchen, but looking over and listening to what's being said over at Donatello's computer station.
"It's the same place." Raphael nods as he reads the address off of the screen.
"Why not give the eBay password a go with that email address?" Donatello suggests. "If they don't match, I can always hack the account for you. Maybe you'll have some emails containing some clues to your past. Something from someone you know?"
Nicolosa looks down on the piece of paper handed to her by Donatello. She doesn't know what to think right now. She hadn't thought about emails. And she'd been quite happy to give-up on the past all-together and just accept the here and now for all that it is. But there's still a part of her that wonders if anyone is looking for her. And, it's more than just being curious, more than wanting to get to know her old friends and family again; she doesn't like the feeling that someone out there might be worried about her. Someone might be using their time and energy to look for her. Someone might be feeling as lost and as scared as she once did...
And then there's her new friends. Her new family. What do they all really think about this? They've been so good to her. And she's become so close to them already. Would it hurt them if she continued her search for her past friends and family? Maybe it hurts them already? Maybe she's already making them feel like they aren't good enough for her? She doesn't want to hurt them... any of them...
"Nik...?" Donatello asks, wondering why she's been silent for so long.
Nicolosa says a quiet "thank you" to Donatello, before slowly walking away from them all, and toward the staircase, still staring down at the note. They watch her leave, all looking somewhat concerned in their own way. Except Michelangelo. He wears a painful expression. Deep in thoughts about her new family, she looks over to them again. She locks eyes with Michelangelo before he looks away, breaking the eye contact and trying to hide his expression from her as he looks down. As she turns away again, that image stays with her. His eyes... they were so... full of pain and anguish...
After hearing her make her way up the stairs, Michelangelo's focus shifts to the computer screen. His expression doesn't change as Donatello and Raphael watch him. They both understand what's going on, as do Splinter and Leonardo. It was obvious to them by now just how close Michelangelo and Nicolosa really were.
Even if the two of them were too stupid to realise it themselves, they'd been growing closer and closer everyday.
As the morning goes on, Nicolosa has been in her room for some time. Alone. Her hands resting on her legs as she sits at her laptop with the piece of paper resting on the desk to the left of her computer. She hasn't even attempted a log-in to her old email account yet. Her hesitation comes, not just from her wondering if letting go of the past is actually for the best, but also from the piece of orange string that sits on her desk, to the right of her computer. She didn't want to hurt anyone... especially Michelangelo.
Michelangelo keeps thinking about going to talk to her, but he doesn't know if that'll just make things worse. He doesn't even know why he feels the way he does right now. Well, there is a big part of him that knows full-well why he's being the way he is, but the other part of him just shakes it out of mind... or tries to, at least. And he tries to go about his day as if nothing is wrong, but it doesn't fool anyone.
Though the others try to act as if it's just a normal day, it doesn't feel like it. Far from it. Their youngest brother has never been this down before, and they'd gotten used to the bubblyness of their newest arrival too. It felt like a dark cloud had descended across the entire lair.
Each of his brothers deals with this sudden drop in mood differently. Leonardo takes lead from Splinter, who, though troubled by his son's sudden loss of character, remains calm and collected, feeling that whatever happens will be for the best in the long-run. Raphael, after giving-up on his initial idea of storming his way up the stairs and having a few choice words with Nicolosa, tries to understand what she must be going through, and focuses more now on trying to keep Michelangelo entertained with some basketball, so as to take his mind off it all. Donatello feels guilty about the whole thing. Wondering if he should've just kept his little idea to himself.
A sudden blast of load music comes from Nicolosa's room, Highway Star by Deep Purple, not loud enough to hurt anyone's ears downstairs, but it's plenty loud in her room to be heard this clearly through the closed door!
Michelangelo's attention immediately switches from the basket he just scored, up to Nicolosa's room. As is everyone else's.
"Is she deaf!?" Raphael comments, pausing from his game with Michelangelo.
"Master Splinter, what are y--" Leonardo begins to ask as Splinter heads for the stair case.
"I think it's time I had a little word." He answers, calmly, as he makes his way up the stairs.
As Splinter opens the door, the music pours out, revealing just how loud it really is. Nicolosa doesn't notice Splinter at first as she's caught-up in her own "basketball" game of scrunching-up bits of paper from her writing pad and trying to shoot them into her recycling bin. But when she finally does notice him standing at the door, she quickly turns the music off, trying not to damage his sensitive rat ears.
"Sorry..." She says with a nervous smile. "I didn't know you could hear it. I guess I'll have to do a sound test to work-out the maximum this can go before it starts being heard outside the room."
Splinter replies with an amused smile, whilst still standing at the door.
"You were trying to block something out?" He asks, already knowing the answer, and still standing at the door.
"Oh! In, in, come in." She waves her hands in signal for him to enter.
"Thank you." He says as he enters her room.
"You really didn't have to wait for me to say so, you know." She smiles, silently offering him a seat on her desk chair.
"I prefer not to enter where I have not yet been invited." He explains with a warm smile. "It is a personal preference."
"Oh. Well, it's really no bother if you just walk in. If the door's open; all are welcome." She says as she takes a seat on her bed. "But I'll try to remember that." She nods.
"Are you going to answer my previous question?" Splinter asks, and Nicolosa's smile dissolves.
"Sensei... why do you ask a question you already know the answer to?" She asks in return, lower her gaze to her lap, where her hands rest.
"Some would underestimate an old man." He answers with a small smirk.
"I know you better than that." She replies, making eye contact again.
"Hmph." He smiles, pleased. "That you do. When we say things, it can make them all the more real. Which is why we sometimes prefer not to admit certain truths out loud. When you think something, no one else knows about it. So you can choose to ignore or deny that thought ever even existed." He explains. "But when you say something, particularly infront of someone else; there's no going back from that. No denying it. No pretending it does not exist."
Nicolosa breaks eye contact again, still hesitant of speaking of her recent thoughts and she starts to worry all over again as everything re-enters her head.
"Nicolosa." He continues, catching her focus once again. "Whilst the first option may be inviting... easier. This is, in actuality, the harder path. Whilst you may be able to outwardly fool others, the thoughts you deny will return. And the longer you attempt to bury them; the more they will grow and the harder they will be to deal with. Choosing the second option, whilst it seems hard at first, is the path for growth, amongst other things, making it the easier path in the long-run. You face your problems, your fears, head-on. You deal with them and move on as a happier and stronger being." He pauses for a moment. "And when you tell someone else of the walls that block your way; you then have the choice of not climbing them alone."
Michelangelo approaches Nicolosa's room, but he stops in his tracks when he hears her begin to explain things...
"I don't wanna hurt anyone..." She says, looking to Splinter for answers. "I just keep wondering... what if someone's looking for me? When I think back to how I felt... not knowing... feeling lost... I don't want someone to feel even the least bit similar because of me... because I haven't taken the chance I've been given to set their mind at ease. But I... I don't want any of you to feel like you're not good enough for me, or that I'm not grateful for all you've done. I am. Moreso than I could probably ever express." She smiles, tears coming to her eyes. "But then I worry... what if I find I have a whole family... waiting for me to come home... it wouldn't be such a big deal if I knew they were close by... but what if they're not... what if... in order to be a part of their lives... I would have to leave here... leave all of you..."
Michelangelo's heart sinks as she speaks out loud the fears that have been plaguing his mind since Donatello first made his suggestion this morning. His worst fear since then, and still right now... losing Nicolosa.
"I feel like whatever I decide to do... I'll just end-up hurting someone. I can't even pretend it'll be fine not to contact them because I don't even know these people, and I won't ever see them, so I won't have to see the hurt I cause... I can't because... because I'll still know... I'll know someone's out there, hurting, and it'll be because of me!" She continues. "What should I do...?"
"Nicolosa, I am here to guide you. But I can not make your decisions for you." Splinter answers. "But, know this; no one here will think badly of you, should you do decide to pursue what may lead you to your blood relatives. Your heart is full of kindness and consideration for others. That alone, is something no one can fault you on."
Nicolosa racks her brain for answers. As she searches every inch of her mind, an image sharply appears in her head again... Michelangelo, and the look she last saw on his face, and in his eyes...
"I can't do it!" She cries-out, then taking a few breaths, lowering her head again. "I... I can't..."
Splinter just smiles warmly and offers her comfort in the form a gentle hug.
"Take your time, child." He says as he lets her go again. "Think things through at your own pace and make your decision calmly and carefully. Listen to the silent words your heart speaks." He then goes to leave. "Soon enough, you will make the decision that is right for you."
Michelangelo receives a reassuring smile, and a pat on the shell as Splinter passes him. He doesn't really know what to make of it, but he takes it as a sign that it's okay to go in and talk to her now. So he does...
As he turns into the door frame, he catches Nicolosa wiping away the tears that she had previously not been able to hold back completely. He hesitates, but then knocks lightly on her already open door.
"Since when have you been so formal?" She laughs as she looks up at him, giving a sniffle afterwards.
"Since you became so..." He trails off, not knowing which word to use; serious, upset, lost... they all seemed to fit.
"I'll be alright." She says, trying not to worry him anymore than she already has.
"Hm. Deja vu." He says in reply as he comes to sit with her on the bed.
"Mm?" She gives him a confused look.
"You always say stuff like that when you're not alright." He reminds her.
"And how do you know I'm not alright?"
He raises a brow and gives her a look that says "come on now, it's not exactly hard to tell".
"Okay, okay." She says. "But I'll be alright. Okay?"
"No." He answers, and Nicolosa just stares back at him. "I..." He was about to say that he doesn't like seeing her like this, but he skipped that part and went straight into something else he wanted to say. "I'm sorry."
"Sorry? What for?"
"I should've followed you up here before."
"Maybe I needed to be alone..." She says, again, trying to stop him from worrying.
"You needed someone... to talk to... cry to... maybe even scream to?" He says, making her giggle a little, before getting serious again. "You needed someone to be there for you... and support you..."
"Mike--" She goes to speak, but he stops her.
"Nik... please... lemme finish this." He says. "If I don't say this now then I may never say it. And then I'll regret it." He takes a breath before continuing. "I could've been that someone you needed... I was worried about you, but I was too wrapped-up in what was going around in my own head... you've spent all this time worrying about everyone but yourself, and I was--"
"I'm not as selfless as you make me out to be, you know..." She confesses. "I have something I want too... and that's played a major part in messing with my head..."
"I know..." He says, assuming it's about wanting to find her family.
"No..." She replies, looking back at him with sad eyes. "You don't..."
A silence falls between them as they're caught in eachother's gaze. A silence which is short lived as Raphael comes around the corner.
"So, have you made contact yet?" He asks bluntly, giving them both a start.
"No." She answers after a moment, then shifting her eyes back onto Michelangelo. "And I'm not going to."
"Wha'? But--" Michelangelo is shocked at her decision.
Nicolosa stands-up and takes the piece of paper with the email address and password on it from her desk, scrunches it up into a ball, and tosses it into her recycle bin. Michelangelo just sits in a stunned silence.
"Guitar battle?" She offers, smiling.
"Yeah, but I'm using the Rock Band guitar!" He replies playfully after shaking-off his shock.
"Not if I get there first!" She plays, running out of the room.
"You okay?" Raphael asks Michelangelo as he gets up from the bed.
"Yeah. You know me. Nothing keeps me down for long!" He says, wearing his stupid grin.
Raphael isn't really convinced, but he lets it go for now, leaving.
Michelangelo hesitates in following as he takes a look over at the recycle bin and the scrunched-up note that sits at the top of the pile. He tries again to just walk away, but he can't. He may have got the answer the selfish side of him had hoped for, but Michelangelo is anything but selfish, and he can't let things stay as they are. And most of all, he can't bare the thought of Nicolosa regretting her decision and becoming unhappy...
He double checks that no one is watching him, and then he takes the piece of paper out of the bin...