Chapter 24—A Moment Lost

November 8, 2013—The Dark Order, Main Branch

It was happening again—that horrible, gut-wrenching scream that Lavi let out when his mind was breaking down, the scream he had used that awful night in the tent, the scream Yuu had hoped he'd never have to hear again. They'd been in the middle of reading Bookman's heartless logs about Lavi when the redhead had just… frozen. Then he shook his head, and a moment later, he was screaming, howling as if he was being torn apart. He brought his Innocence-ridden hands to his head and held it in a vice-like grip as he raised his eye to the heavens, screeching.

Lenalee ran in, and Yuu implored her—he did not beg—with his eyes to get a doctor. She seemed to understand, returning with the health professional just minutes later.

"What's going on?" The doctor asked over Lavi's persistent yells.

"I think he's remembering things," Yuu said gravely. He looked over at Lenalee, who was crying silently.

"I didn't think he was ever going—" Lenalee started tearfully. Yuu nodded in understanding.

"We need to restrain him," the doctor interrupted. He walked to Lavi's side and began to pin the redhead down to the bed. Something annoying twitched in Yuu's heart, but he didn't know what it was because he was… worried… about Lavi.

Lavi just thrashed harder against the grip, and the physician sighed. "We need to get him to the hospital. I want to take a brain scan, see exactly what is going on." A moment later Lenalee was one her phone, calling Allen. Another moment later a portal to the hospital was opened.

Despite his annoyance at the white-haired Bean Sprout, Yuu had to admit that he could sometimes be useful. Picking Lavi up bodily he stepped through the door trying to avoid the fists that attempted to rain down on his head.

Within minutes they had Lavi restrained and inside a strange looking machine. The doctor stared down at the computer screen, a contemplative frown on his face and his brow furrowed.

"Hmmm…" he muttered, stroking his chin.

"What is it?" Yuu growled, glaring at the man. He needed answers. Now.

"I've never seen so much activity in the anterior frontal lobe. In particular, it seems to be in the prefrontal cortex," the doctor replied in an awed voice.

"That does shit for me," Yuu hissed, resisting the urge to activate Mugen to slice the man through. Even though his screams had died down for the moment, Lavi still needed the doctor. Unfortunately.

"Well, if it's true what you were saying about remembering things, this makes sense. This region of the brain—the anterior frontal lobe—stores memory, personality, things like that." The doctor went back to poring over the computer screen, and Yuu left to go back to Lavi's side.

He was surprised to find Lavi's one good eye open, glazed over as if still in the clutches of the memories, but somewhat aware.

"Lavi?" He asked, not meaning to voice his concern.

"Where are you?" The redhead asked, voice raw and cracking from overuse. Yuu picked up his pace until he was at Lavi's side. The other man's one-eyed gaze didn't follow him, and when he repeated his earlier statement in a softer, hurt voice, Yuu understood that Lavi was no more awake than he had been ten minutes ago.

"I'm right here, you idiot," Yuu replied softly, reluctantly taking Lavi's restrained hand in his. No one was around, not even the crazy doctor, so it was okay to show that he cared. He thought he needed to add something to his comment, something that told the rabbit how he felt, but as usual, the words were stuck in his brain, unmovable and constant.

Lavi's eye closed as the doctor walked back in. "I think we'll have to wait it out. If he's unconscious for a few more hours, we'll hook him up to an IV, and if he's still out in the morning, I think we should start to be concerned.

Naturally, it was necessary that they become concerned. Though he had stopped screaming, Lavi twitched and struggled against his bonds, completely unconscious, for the next day and a half.

He awoke on the morning of the tenth, looking very much the worse for wear.

"Yuu?" He called out, and Yuu was right there—he hadn't left the stupid rabbit's side.

October 29, 1887—Russia

It was very, very hard to forget, Lavi decided as Bookman paced in front of him again. He followed the old man with his eye, simply because he didn't have anything else to do.

"What have I told you, Lavi?" Bookman said, shaking his head as if the entire endeavor was hopeless. It seemed to be, Lavi thought, as he didn't want to forget. He'd told Bookman as much, but the old panda hadn't believed him.

Lavi rolled his eyes. "'No one loves me, I love no one,' same as every other time you've asked me. Look, Bookman, I've told you, this isn't gonna work, so just let me go—"

Bookman's black-ringed eyes flashed. "He will never love you back," he said in a dangerously low voice.

Lavi sighed and tried not to let the hurt show. "I know that, but I can't help it if I—"

"Do you hear me, Lavi? He will never love you. He will only hurt you, and then you'll come running back to me, an emotional mess. It is better to forgo the whole experience and simply forget. Haven't I always known what's best for you?"

Bookman had pulled that card before, and Lavi could never deny it. He'd always known just what made Lavi work harder, what made him more determined. Bookman had proved time and again that he would point Lavi on the proper path, and he'd always striven to keep his apprentice on it.

"How do you know, though?" Lavi questioned. It hadn't been the first time he'd asked, nor, apparently, would it be the last.

Bookman glared at him. "Because you are incapable of loving him, and he knows it," he replied icily.

"But I do love him!" Lavi insisted. "I didn't realize it before, but whenever we come back from a battle—ever since the Ark—I've always been really glad he's alive. I always want to see him, and when I do, it only seems natural for me to want to hug him, to touch him. I want to know what his opinion is, how he's doing, what he will be doing. I love to watch him train. He seems most relaxed and at peace then, as if he's meditating there, too. I—"

"I understand what you think you're feeling. You believe that just because your body reacts physically, there must be an emotional attachment as well," Bookman explained.

Lavi glared at him, putting his full ire into his one good eye. "That's not it, and you know it," he said quietly, bringing Bookman's pacing to a halt.

"Perhaps we should try something different, since I seem to be failing to convince you this way," Bookman said finally.

Lavi nodded. "Perhaps we should, but it won't matter—I'll never be able to give this up. You can't sever such a strong attachment, Bookman. Maybe the tiny ones to Allen and Lenalee and Kuro-chan and Miranda, but never Yuu, never Yuu."

"We'll just see," Bookman said quietly, and a shiver ran up Lavi's spine. He held onto his attachment dearly; he didn't want to lose it.

December 17, 1887—Algeria

"Good morning, Lavi," Bookman said, walking out into the tiny dining room of the inn. Lavi nodded blankly, not particularly caring about the man who had walked in. But then, he didn't care about much these days. Except Yuu—he cared very deeply about Yuu, even if he couldn't quite remember who Yuu was. He cared, maybe even loved, this Yuu person, and something in his brain told him never to forget it.

"Lavi?" Bookman asked. Lavi grunted in acknowledgment of the tiny man's presence. "How are you this morning?"

"My body feels especially healthy today," Lavi commented. It was a lie, of course. Every time he thought of Yuu, his stomach churned a bit, his thoughts roiled, and he felt a bit nauseous. It wasn't a bad feeling, though, even if his heart took this opportunity to begin to ache that strange ache it felt every time Bookman was around.

"You are lying to me, Lavi. You seem to be very bad at acting today—perhaps we should work on that?"

"I don't feel like it, Bookman," Lavi said, his voice even and uncaring as it always was now.

"Did you do your logs last night?"

Lavi thought back. It was very hard to remember lately. "No," he finally replied, "I didn't feel like it."

Bookman sighed exasperatedly. "You know no one loves you, right?"

There. There was that heart aching thing. "Of course, why would they?" Lavi responded. He'd learned a few weeks ago that that was the best way to respond. He didn't care if people didn't love him. He was undesirable and could not care for them. He knew there were people he could care for, though. Yuu was one of them, right? And there was another. It was a girl, right? Started with an L. Lena… something. It ended with a vowel, he knew, and there was one more syllable, but he could not for the life of him remember. And there was something very white that he liked, too. White, and it reminded him of… bean sprouts for some reason. Whenever he heard someone apologize, a flash of someone's tired brown eyes passed through him, but the image was soon lost. And teeth seemed to be significant, too. He knew he could love them all, especially Yuu, but Bookman didn't like it when he responded like that.

"And who do you love, Lavi?" Bookman asked.

"No one," Lavi replied, but he was lying again. He loved Yuu, right? He cared very deeply for this Yuu person, and he was pretty sure that included love. Right?

"You know, you look a bit sore this morning. Did you not sleep well?"

Lavi shook his head. He always had nightmares these days, nightmares about deep, dark brown eyes scowling at him accusingly, nightmares about rogue blades chopping through his body as the eyes gazed ever-angrily on, nightmares about rabbit stew with Japanese that he couldn't understand, even though he could speak it fluently. He didn't understand these dreams, but they hurt him and kept him awake.

He thought that perhaps he was forgetting something very important, but he couldn't remember what. Which was the point, he supposed. Bookman was always telling him to forget these days, even though Bookmen were always supposed to remember.

"Maybe you'd like some acupuncture to help loosen your muscles?" Bookman suggested. "It will probably help with your logs, too, don't you think?"

Lavi nodded. He always liked Bookman's acupuncture techniques. They worked wonders on his back, and he always felt at peace while Bookman calmly and deftly slid needles through his skin and into his pressure points.

Spreading him out on the small, lumpy bed, Bookman sterilized his needles and began pushing them into Lavi's body like he was a pincushion. Lavi felt himself begin to relax. His mind began to wander as it always did when under Bookman's needle. He barely heard Bookman's voice as he began the usual litany. Lavi tried to tune it out, but it was still there, hovering over his mind, descending on him like a forgetful blanket.

"No one loves you," it repeated. Lavi tried to nod. This was true, after all.

"You love no one," it continued. Lavi couldn't quite make his head shake. That wasn't true, it couldn't be, didn't he love people?

"No one loves you." No. No one did.

"You love no one." But… but… what about… the most important person? There was a most important person, right? Didn't he have one? Didn't he love someone? Wasn't that why this was happening?

"No one loves you." That was right.

"You love no one." No! No! That couldn't be, could it?

"No one loves you." Yes, he got that already.

"You love no one." That was true, too.

February 12, 1888—Portugal

The eggs tasted like ash in his mouth, though he couldn't understand why. Taking a bite of sausage instead, he found the same problem. Lavi sighed. Nothing had flavor anymore, like he'd forgotten it. He was forgetting a lot of things recently, and when he'd asked Bookman, the old man had said he had had to forget something again. Lavi didn't know what it was, but he trusted Bookman enough to know that it must have been something horrible. Anything Bookman voluntarily let him forget must have been scarring enough to tear Lavi apart. He hadn't asked beyond that.

Buttering a piece of toast—butter was the only thing that seemed to have flavor these days—he watched as his Master walked into the dining room of their latest accommodations. He sat down gingerly. Lavi pretended not to see his Master's signs of aging and continued biting into his cardboard and butter.

"We are returning to the Order in a week," he told Lavi. The redhead sent him a questioning look. "You do remember the Order, right?" Bookman asked after a moment.

Lavi nodded. "It's where I got the Innocence—we've been there before, right? But we had to leave for… something. I'm sorry, Bookman, I know I should, but I can't remember."

The old man nodded gravely. "That is as it should be. Do not berate yourself for this memory loss. It was needed, so don't try to remember. It will only bring pain."

Shrugging, Lavi returned to his stale-tasting bread with its delicious topping. "Whatever you say," he said.

A week later, they were back at the Order, and though Lavi didn't recognize any of them, there was a large group of people waiting for them at the entrance. There was a girl with mid-back length hair, a boy who looked far older than his years due to his snow white hair, a boy of about his age with long, black hair, a woman with dark hair and brown eyes, a man with vampire-esque fangs, and many more. Lavi gazed at them in confusion. Did everyone get such a welcome?

"Lavi!" The girl with mid-back length hair called out, sounding relieved. She ran up and threw her arms around his waist. Blinking, Lavi looked down at the girl burrowing into his chest.

"Er, I'm sorry, but who are you?" He asked blankly. He didn't know how to deal with this situation. The girl froze and looked up, tears falling from her strangely purple eyes.

"Lavi? You don't… remember me?" She asked, sounding worried. "I mean, Gege told us that Bookman said you had amnesia, but… Lavi, that doesn't make sense. You should… you really don't remember me?"

Lavi laughed in his head. Did this girl think he was her boyfriend or something? Thinking back, he still couldn't remember her, not even from his previous trip to the Order. She seemed rather young. Perhaps she thought them best friends after viewing each other once? It was plausible. It had happened to him in previous logs. Number thirty-seven had been particularly bogged down by a girl. It had been annoying, to say the least.

Pushing her back gently, he looked her in the eye. "I haven't the foggiest idea who you are."

Bookman cleared his throat, and Lavi caught himself slipping from his current persona. Forty-nine, Lavi, fun and frivolous.

"I'd love to stay and chat, but Master and I need to talk with the Branch Head. Do you know where he is?"

"Gege's in his office. Er, come with me?" The girl asked, looking at him as if he had two heads. Lavi nodded, smiling widely at the request.

Lavi passed the group of people, meeting each of their gazes, memorizing them. He caught the eye of the Japanese boy with long, black hair, and a fleeting sensation of lips on his passed over him. Shaking his head, Lavi wondered vaguely why he had a sudden craving for eggs. Shrugging, he continued after the Asian girl, memorizing the route that he would surely need to take many times in the future.

February 20, 1888—The Dark Order, Main Branch

"You're putting butter on your eggs?" The boy with long hair asked, sounding disgusted.

"It's the only thing I can taste," Lavi said, shrugging. "So what's your name?"

The boy dropped his chopsticks. Looking up from his bowl of soba noodles, he stared at Lavi in the same manner as the girl, Lenalee, had. "Kanda Yuu," he finally said, and his voice reminded Lavi of the butter he was still melting on his breakfast.

"I'm Lavi," he said. "It's nice ta meetcha, Kanda."

The boy stopped in the process of retrieving his chopsticks, dropping them to the ground again. "What did you call me?" He asked incredulously.

"You said your name was Kanda, right?" Lavi asked, smiling as he took his first bite. The other boy just stared in his hunched-over position. He was kind of cute, Lavi thought before throwing it into the back of his mind, where he would forget it. "So, how old are you?" He added through a mouthful.

The boy turned green and answered only with a simple "che."

"Well, I'm sixteen. We look around the same age—you're maybe a bit older?"

The boy dropped his chopsticks a third time. Scowling down at Lavi, he picked up his noodles and went off into another corner of the room. A minute later, Lavi saw him storm from the dining hall, seeming infuriated.

November 10, 2013—The Dark Order, Hospital Wing

Lavi woke up crying. "Yuu?" He whispered, opening his solitary eye and twisting his head around to look for the Japanese man. Yuu leaned over to bring himself into the idiot rabbit's line of vision. He undid the restraints quickly, and suddenly Lavi was grabbing him around the waist, pressing his head into Yuu's stomach.

"Ra…bi?" Yuu asked, too shocked to speak English.

"Yuu! I—I know why I forgot! I… fuck, Yuu, Bookman made me forget I loved you!" Lavi sobbed.

Yuu sighed. "I… know," he said softly. Lavi looked up, tears streaming down his face.

"Wha…?" He asked, sniffing. He grimaced and coughed, and despite the situation, Yuu suppressed a snicker. It was just like Lavi to choke on his own mucus.

"The day after you got back, we had breakfast together. You were sitting alone at my table, so I came and joined you—"

"But you never—"

"As I said, you were at my table. I didn't feel like finding another one, and I had been… concerned about you. So I sat down. And you asked me who I was. I had been expecting that—you'd done the same to Lenalee the day before. When you said you were sixteen, though…" Yuu sighed and forced himself to continue. "I knew something was obviously wrong. Bookman would have told you your age, things that you needed to know, if you had amnesia. Honestly, the old fucker would probably have deserted you if you had forgotten everything."

"Don't call him a fucker," Lavi said, though it sounded to Yuu as if he hadn't meant it.

"I'll fucking call him what I want. I confronted him, asked him what he did to you, and he replied you had amnesia. I told him to get the fuck off his high horse and tell me what he'd done, and he said you'd forgotten everything due to me. I asked him what the fuck he was talking about. He said you had an 'attachment' to me. Then he said to stay the fuck away, that I was breaking you. I almost killed him," Yuu finished, looking away from Lavi.

"You… cared, even back then?" Lavi sounded awed, as if he hadn't realized it himself.

"Of course, you idiot! I just… couldn't admit it to myself back then," Yuu replied, still looking away. And damn himself, he was blushing.

"Can we leave?" Lavi asked in a small voice. Yuu looked back at him and gave him a ghost of a smile.

"Che. About time."

They walked to the cafeteria for a late lunch, chatting about everything except Lavi's recovered memories. From the faraway look in his eye, Yuu knew that Lavi was thinking about it anyway. He would tell Yuu when he felt the need to. He didn't need to pry. Lavi would come to him eventually, just as he always did.

Lavi got himself his usual toast and jam, and Yuu sat down with a chicken curry. He nearly spat out the first bite. It had too much ginger. Scowling, he went back to the service window to threaten the chef into making him something else. A few minutes later, he sat down with a large bowl of fried rice. It wasn't his favorite, but it would suffice.

Only Lavi wasn't next to him. Looking around, he saw Road giving him a very gentle hug. He immediately went for his weapon—an automatic reaction to seeing a Noah—but the girl pulled back.

"I'm so sorry," she said, and when she turned around to take a seat on the bench, Yuu noticed she was crying. Her eyes widened when she saw him. "You need to know," she said quietly and walked up.

"NO!" Lavi cried, running up to her and trying to pull her away.

She placed a hand on Yuu's forehead, and despite his attempt to flinch back, it stayed firmly in place. His world disappeared and was replaced with something very… different. He had been in Road's world before, but this was nothing like it. It was almost vibrant and very beautiful. The sky shone in through a pleasant, white-rimmed window, and all around, he could hear the annoying chirps of birds.

"You need to see what Lavi dreamt about last night," said a voice emanating from the walls. Looking around with a scowl, Yuu felt his world melt again, only to be replaced with a little room at an inn. Lavi was on a bed with needles poking out from almost all of the pressure points in his back. Bookman was by his face. Then, abruptly, the sound appeared.

"No one loves you," Bookman said. Yuu saw Lavi try to nod.

"You love no one," Bookman intoned, sounding slightly more severe. Lavi twitched again. It looked like perhaps he was trying to shake his head but gave up on the motion.

"No one loves you," Bookman repeated. Lavi deflated a little, but with his next breath, he seemed okay.

"You love no one." Lavi started to shake.

Bookman repeated it one more time, and at the last line, Lavi deflated completely, going almost despondent. If he hadn't been breathing so evenly, Yuu would have thought him dead.

A strong, fierce anger coursed through his veins. This had been how he'd gotten Lavi to forget? Drawing his Innocence, he made to stab it through Bookman, but the image dissolved back into Road's mind. A moment later, he was back in the real world, and to his horror, a tear was falling from his left eye.

They spent the rest of the day in Yuu's room, leaving only for a late dinner. When they returned, they sat down on the bed, leaning against the still ruined headboard. Lavi put an arm around Yuu's back and laid his head down on the older man's shoulder. Without meaning to, he rested his head atop Lavi's. Lavi grabbed his left hand with his free one, and nuzzled into his neck. Yuu stilled.

"What are you doing, rabbit?" He asked.

"Snuggling," Lavi said, leaning back and taking Yuu's right arm, placing it around his shoulders before leaning in again.

"I don't snuggle," Yuu said, trying to pull his arm back, but Lavi kept it in place by pushing it against the headboard with his back.

"Not even cuddle?" Lavi asked pitifully. Yuu felt horrified.

"I do not cuddle," he replied, shuddering a little.

"Then what do you call this, Yuu? 'Cause it looks like snugglin' to me." No, it did not.

"I am embracing you," Yuu insisted.

"I think you're in denial," Lavi said.

"I think you need a new brain."

"So what if I do? Snuggle with me, dammit!" Lavi exclaimed, doing that nuzzling thing again and pulling himself closer. Yuu tried to push him away, though if he really thought about it, he didn't actually want to.

"No! I refuse to snuggle!" He shouted. Lavi released Yuu's hand in preference for wrapping it around his stomach.

"Please?" Lavi asked quietly. "For me?" He looked up imploringly in a pitiful way that Yuu couldn't quite refuse.

"Che. Fine, I'll embrace you."

Lavi pouted, but Yuu couldn't quite bring himself to care. He wondered why Lavi hadn't brought up any of his memories yet. Normally, the rabbit never stopped talking about anything, and he often told Yuu far more than the Japanese man cared to know.

The memory Road had shown him worried him more than he could say. It was blatantly obvious that Lavi felt like he wasn't loved. By anyone. Not Lenalee or Allen. Not Miranda, Lolek, Darcy or the Infernal girl. Not him. He wanted to tell Lavi, he really did, but the words still wouldn't come. And that scared him.

November 23, 2013—The Dark Order, Main Branch

The days flew by in a steady stream of nothingness. Cyrah had taken over the training of the soldiers, and Chu-chan had taken to helping the Science Department with Tamas. The rest of the Exorcists, however, had absolutely nothing to do. Kanda-kun had begun to train more, which made Lavi pout and walk somberly over to her and Allen. Allen himself seemed to be trying to get into better shape, and soon, Lenalee was on her own, too. Amanda spent her time with either Road or Darcy, sometimes both. The Chinese girl had taken to sitting in the Main Plaza of the Ark, watching people. Lavi usually sat beside her, and they usually made up little stories about each person. They changed from day to day, and they were all amusing. Lavi's tales were usually either very insightful or increasingly ridiculous, but Lenalee loved them all.

They sat at one of the picnic tables set off in one of the corners, eating sandwiches they'd gotten from the kitchen. It was a rare day when Kanda-kun joined them. He glared at everyone passing by. However, when he looked at Lavi, his expression changed to something less surly, but the underlying anger was still there.

"Kanda-kun, what's wrong?" She asked, concerned.

"The Little Fucker is in the training room," he ground out, grabbing Mugen's activated hilt and scowling at a soldier who had come slightly too close.

"You shouldn't call people that," Lenalee scolded.

"I don't want to lose another half petal just because she wants to throw me down the stairs," Kanda-kun said bitterly.

"You lost half of a petal?" She and Lavi exclaimed simultaneously. She was very worried now, Lavi slightly more than she was.

"How many do you have left?"Lenalee asked, this time on her own.

"Enough," Kanda-kun said firmly, and Lenalee knew not to push it. Lavi on the other hand rose from his seated position at her side and walked over to the Japanese man.

"Why didn't you tell me?" The redhead asked his voice intense with betrayal. He stared deeply into Kanda-kun's eyes.

Kanda-kun tilted his head away, scoffing. "What did you expect? You were having a mental breakdown, rabbit, and I didn't want to… worry you."

At that moment, Road walked up, looking sleepy and rubbing her eyes. She wore the pink, frilly negligee that matched Amanda's and sported fuzzy, pink slippers.

"Hi, Road," Lenalee chimed out. Kanda-kun looked relieved that the conversation had turned to a different target. Though, Lavi was still whispering furiously in his lover's ear.

"Hey, Lenalee," Road said sleepily, still rubbing her eyes. "I can't even take a nap anymore. It's like someone's always sleeping. Must be the Science Department, because I had this weird-ass dream about a failed chemistry experiment."

Lenalee hummed sympathetically. "Yeah, I've had some weird ones myself. There was one the other night when—" she cut herself off, blushing. They didn't need to know about that one. Or at least Allen didn't.

"I've probably seen it," Road said, shooting her a knowing smile. "Hey, Lavi," she added turning to the warring couple, "I've been wondering for a while, but are your dreams the ones about genocides, hangings, witch burnings, and—"

"Yeah, those are mine," Lavi said quickly, interrupting her.

"How do you stand those?" Road asked, looking horrified. "They're so… detailed."

"That's what every day's like for me. I see everything, Road."

Road turned a distinct shade of green.

"What do you dream about, Kanda-kun?" Lenalee asked. He'd never discussed his dreams before, even after he had opened up to them a bit more. That had been before Lavi had returned, though. He had seemed very… lonely during those months. Still, Lenalee could never remember a time when Kanda-kun had shared a dream. Lenalee herself did it often, as did Allen and Lavi. Miranda had a plethora of dream-tales, and they always laughed about them.

Kanda-kun brought his scowl to bear on her, and she flinched back when she realized it was actually genuine. "I refuse to take part in this conversation," he hissed. A great, warm concern filled Lenalee's heart. Did Kanda-kun only have bad dreams? She vaguely remembered Amanda saying that he'd screamed during the night, but she had assumed that had been from Lavi's absence.

"Come on, Kanda, tell us," Allen said, clapping his hands together in anticipation. He had only just arrived a few moments after Road, but he seemed to be enjoying this conversation, judging from his slightly dark smile. His dark side concerned Lenalee sometimes, but right now, it seemed he was just trying to egg Kanda-kun on.

The man in question stood up, still grasping a sheathed Mugen. "My dreams are irrelevant, ask someone else. I'm going to train."

"Oh, come on, Kanda! Tell us!" Allen shouted after him, but Kanda-kun moved on.

"I wonder what he dreams about…" Lenalee said speculatively.

"You don't want to know," Lavi said quietly, sounding sickened.

But Lenalee did. Later, right before she went to sleep, she asked Road if she would be able to search for Kanda-kun's dream.

"I can…" the girl hedged. "I think I can open a window to it in your mind, though I'm more connected to Allen than I am to you. I think it's because Sebastian is in his head."

Lenalee nodded slowly and then left to go to bed. She curled up with Allen at her side. She slept for a good while, but suddenly, she and Allen were standing in her head.

"Lenalee?" Allen asked, looking around at the room. It was splendorous and high-ceilinged. On each of the four walls were numerous pictures of all the people who made up her world. In a gilded silver frame that took up half a wall was her brother, and next to him in an equally silver frame was Lolek. Lolek was against the right side of the picture, seeming to try to push Komui over, lessening his space in Lenalee's mind. Komui was pushing back just as hard, and they remained at a stalemate, unmoving.

Allen himself had an ornate, golden frame with lines of green and gold Innocence woven through it. He had a wall to himself, and his framed self had that carefree smile that she loved so much. Even his picture carried the light brush of stigmata. He was still cursed. But he still smiled and held his hands out almost lovingly at her. It was, by far, her favorite picture.

On the other two walls were the Exorcists and Science Department members that made up the rest of her world. Particularly large were the frames of Kanda-kun and Lavi. Those were right next to each other, almost encroaching on the other's space, as if trying to merge into one frame. Miranda was on the wall adjacent to Lolek, and she looked smilingly at him. Amanda and Darcy were in one picture, and the ginger man had his arm around the crazy American girl. They both smiled as they laughed about some private joke. Artemis was also there, and she was smiling, too. It was as if those past few months hadn't happened to her. She appeared healthy and beautiful, just as she had been before Strength had destroyed that.

"Wow, these are… wow…" Allen said, astonished. Lenalee walked up to his side and slipped her hand into his larger one. When had his hands become so warm and big? The picture modified itself slightly just then. The hands became just slightly broader.

"This is my world," she told Allen softly, leaning lightly into his shoulder. He shifted, turning to face her, and pulled her into a gentle hug.

"Why am I so big?" He asked her quietly. Lenalee pulled back enough to look into his shining, silver eyes.

"You're my favorite person," she said almost coyly. Raising herself on tiptoe, she pressed her lips lightly to his in a very chaste kiss. Running to the door underneath Allen's frame, she looked back and called, "I wanna see what your brain looks like—can we go?"

Looking stunned, Allen nodded. He walked in a shell-shocked way to the door, where he grabbed Lenalee's hand again. Together, they stepped through the passage and into his mind.

It was desolate, almost. The street was a mangy, dirty alley, a dark parody of a corridor of Allen's Ark. The doors, though, shone brightly and sweetly, lighting the alley and filling it with a peaceful happiness. The door shut behind them, and Lenalee looked back to see a picture of her and Allen on the door. It moved, which Lenalee found bizarre.

Picture-Allen had his arm around Picture-Lenalee and leaned over, kissing her forehead tenderly. Picture-Lenalee blushed but wound her arm around him nonetheless, looking happy and slightly embarrassed. A moment later, their picture-selves were hugging tightly, ignoring the world and the alley that surrounded them.

Lenalee once again turned to Allen, looking at him questioningly. "You're my favorite, too," he replied, shrugging nonchalantly. Lenalee felt her cheeks grow hot with a blush.

She took a look at the other doors, curious. The first one at the beginning of the alley was one of two shadow-like figures. With horror, Lenalee realized they must be his real parents. She noted that Allen was not in that picture. Looking to the next one, she saw Mana's. Picture-Allen had his arms around the man's waist, looking up at him with almost worshipful wonder. The man smiled down at him lovingly and ruffled his hair. In the background was a question mark. Lenalee wondered if that was Allen subconsciously questioning Mana's true feelings for him. She'd known since he'd told her about the secret language that he'd been unsure about Mana's affections. She didn't let him know, but she thought Mana had loved him for who he was as well as for the memories he carried.

Lenalee moved down the alley, passing Kanda-kun's (in which they were glaring at each other but had other selves in the background who were smiling) and Lavi's (in which Lavi was in the foreground, smiling outrageously, and in the background, a much more serious Lavi and Picture-Allen looked on curiously), as well as the other Exorcists'. She quickly noted that, with the exception of the one with his real parents, Allen was in every frame in some form. Even Sebastian's door—which Allen said he didn't go into—had him in it. Picture-Allen was glaring at Sebastian as the latter played a white, upright piano, but Lenalee saw no animosity in it.

At the other end of the alley, Lenalee saw two doors. One had Allen's right hand with a person-shape superimposed over it. On the other was Allen's left hand and the shape of an Akuma overtop it. Next to that was a door to the Crowned Clown.

"That only opens when I activate or am requesting something from it," Allen said when he saw where her gaze was aimed.

One of the doors emanated more light, so they walked back over to it.

"Ah, Road's door," Allen said as they looked through the now-transparent threshold. Inside was Road's beautiful hall. On the floor of the hall, though, was a young-looking Kanda-kun.

Lenalee watched, horrified, as an older man stepped into view. He said something in Japanese, and though Lenalee couldn't understand it, she didn't like the tone. They conversed for a little bit, and then the man began to sing. At the end of the first line, he swung a hand back and hit Kanda-kun. It continued on, each slap, punch, and kick getting progressively worse as the song went on. Kanda-kun was huddled on the floor, even as the man pulled him up by his hair and punched his face, until a particularly bad kick to his back opened his position. The man finished the song with a kick to the ribs and then went off. Kanda-kun was left, shivering and whimpering in pain, on the ground. The image faded with Kanda-kun making a painful but triumphant expression.

Turning to Allen, Lenalee could do nothing but throw herself in his arms, holding back the tears she desperately wanted to cry. Now she understood why Kanda-kun never talked about these dreams. She just hoped he had pleasant ones, too.

November 24, 2013—Allen's Ark

They eventually felt themselves lift from their minds and back into reality. Lenalee was in the same position in Allen's arms, and her eyes were just as wet as they'd been in the alley, staring into Road's door.

"Was that…?" Lenalee asked.

"I think it was…" Allen agreed.

"His father?" Lenalee clarified. Allen nodded. Another tear slipped from Lenalee's eye. Another followed it in the other one, and then she was crying again. "Poor Kanda-kun," she whispered her voice thick with emotion.

"He won't want pity, you know," Allen said seriously. Lenalee nodded against his chest.

"I know," she said. "But I can cry when I'm with you, so he doesn't need to know." She felt Allen smile against her hair.

"We won't tell him, then," he said, and he held her until all her tears were spent and his stomach was growling loudly with intense hunger.

Lenalee laughed, though she still felt miserable. "We need to feed your pit, don't we?" She asked lightly. Allen blushed in embarrassment, but Lenalee lifted her head and kissed his cheek gently. "Let's go do that, then."

They both put on robes, not bothering to get dressed, and walked out of their room in the Ark back to the cafeteria in the Main Branch. A tired-looking Road in an off-white negligee followed them. When they reached the cafeteria, they were surprised to see Kanda-kun and Lavi there, too.

"What are you doing here?" Lenalee asked. "Don't you normally sleep later?" It was six in the morning, after all.

"You do, too," Lavi said, soberly picking at his eggs. He grimaced as he put them in his mouth. "Cold," he muttered. Obviously, he and Kanda-kun had been here for a while.

"Well, it just seemed like a day to get up early," Lenalee commented, shrugging.

"You're a terrible liar, Lenalee," Lavi said, looking up from his eggs. "You saw, didn't you, through Road?"

Lenalee nodded timidly, an embarrassed blush lighting her cheeks. How had they known?

"He dreamt that you guys were there, watching." Turning to Kanda-kun, he added, "ne, Yuu, on a scale of one to ten—one being least traumatic and ten being holy-shit-I-want-to-die—what would you rate your nightmare last night?"

Yuu scowled down at his half-empty bowl of soba noodles, though he looked contemplative. "Seven," he finally muttered. "No, wait." He looked as if he were concentrating very hard for a moment. "I wasn't screaming, was I?" He asked Lavi.

The redhead shook his head. "No, but you were doing little whimpering things every once in a while. But no, you definitely weren't screaming."

"Then it was a six," Kanda-kun said. Lenalee's heart broke a little. Only a six? What was so much worse than that that could be called any number higher? She suspected sexual abuse from his heart-breaking outburst when they'd all been getting drunk, but she had imagined that to be the absolute worst of his abuse. From the way the number six had looked, though, she was no longer sure. "I don't scream when it's anything below a seven."

"What happens when it's anything higher?" Lavi asked quietly.

Reluctantly, it seemed, Kanda-kun replied, "I scream at sevens, eights normally include thrashing, I scream until I lose my voice—and you normally can't wake me up—when I'm having a nine, and tens…" Yuu shuddered and then added in the tiniest voice he could manage, "the last time I had one, I had a seizure. I've only ever had one."

Lavi put an arm around the Japanese man's shoulder. "I won't ask about those, then. I just wanted the voyeurs over there to know that there's a reason they shouldn't pry." He shot them a glare, and Lenalee felt a rush of guilt flow through her.

November 25, 2013—Allen's Ark

Amanda was pissed that they didn't celebrate Thanksgiving in Britain, something to do with their injured pride at the American Revolution. She really wanted to celebrate it with her friends, something she'd wanted since she'd joined the Order. Still, this was the first year that she wouldn't be allowed to visit her family on the date, and she had had to call her mother and explain tearfully why they wouldn't see her in three days.

She sighed, lying down on the white cobblestones of the Ark and staring up at the glaring, blindingly bright sun. Next to her, Mr. Darcy sat down, pulling her head into his lap. He played with the locks of her hair, running his hands through it and braiding it here and there—she would spend the next week and a half getting it tangled in her hairbrush because of that—and generally enjoying the feeling of it.

Lavi lay down next to her, looking exhausted. He and Yuu-pyon had just had another mock-fight that had degraded to attacking each other with their Innocence. Amanda knew it hadn't been real, just like with all the other ones. It was simply how the two had fun together, when they were not doin' the dirty or simply being around each other. She thought it was sweet, actually, in a slightly twisted way. But then, they were both slightly twisted, so it worked out.

"Aaah, I love ya, Yuu-chan," Lavi said softly, his voice thick with the sleep that was already overtaking him. Amanda looked over. Yuu-pyon looked conflicted.

"I… I…" He broke off with a frustrated sigh and scowled at the ground. Amanda sat up.

Lavi's snores filled the Ark, and Amanda approached the older man, pulling him up and dragging him off to the nearest alley. Darcy looked after her like a lost puppy, but she ignored it, instead looking at Yuu-pyon, who ripped his hand from her grasp.

"What the fuck?" He asked.

"You can't say it, can you?" Amanda asked quietly, stopping Yuu-pyon short. The man looked around and sighed again in aggravation.

He stared down at the shadowed cobblestones and scoffed. "It's not that I don't want to," he finally said, sounding like he was trying desperately to convince her.

"I know," Amanda said simply. It was very apparent, if one looked for it. But she was concerned that Lavi wouldn't. He was too attached to the situation to be able to see it. In a way, the Bookmen had the right idea—if one looked on the world with complete objectivity, he or she could see everything as it was. Grow attachments, though, and the person could become blind.

"I really want to," Yuu-pyon insisted.

"I know. It's really obvious… it's just that, well, Lavi's oblivious," Amanda said shrugging.

"But I do, you know," he said. He sounded… relieved, almost, as if he had finally been able to say it out loud. It didn't surprise Amanda in the least.

"I know," Amanda repeated. Then, struck by inspiration, she added, "you think you're going to die, don't you?"

Yuu-pyon nodded mutely, his scowl long gone.

"Perhaps that's what's keeping you," she said, feeling that she sounded rather astute.

Yuu-pyon's scowl was back in place. "Maybe," he admitted in a gruff voice.

"You're gonna have to say it soon," Amanda commented after a long, uncomfortable silence.

"I know, but right now… I can't." He sounded depressed and completely hopeless. Taking her chances, Amanda put a hand on his arm, trying to be comforting. She wasn't sure if she succeeded, though, as Yuu-pyon staggered back a little, an abrupt look of panic flashing in his eyes.

"You're gonna haveta soon, though. Maybe not now—definitely not now—but soon. Lavi's understanding, but he's also oblivious, especially when it comes to you. Just… don't keep 'im waitin' too long, 'kay?"

Yuu-pyon nodded, and Amanda led the way back to the warm, sunny courtyard. She lay her head back in Mr. Darcy's lap, where he proceeded to run his hands through her hair again. Yuu-pyon lay down next to Lavi, and before she fell asleep, Amanda noticed him almost shyly grabbing Lavi's hand.

A/N: We wanted to put them in Indonesia, but with transportation at the time, that wasn't realistic. :( *sob* And once again, I fail at Geography. India is not, apparently, next to Iraq. And Brazil is not in Africa. (Yes, Em2 really thought that. At least she knew where Portugal and Russia are)

A/N2: Editing over audio chat is fun! Especially at midnight, when Em1's parents yell at her and Em2 has severe dyslexia… Surmised Apanda? Really? *dies*