Whoa now, look at this consistency here. Another update in just two months! I am an animal.
She felt watched. Always someone was watching her, like she was a wounded animal. She just wanted things to go back to normal. She pulled the coverlet tighter around herself, as a gust of wind washed in from the open window.
She often found herself sitting here these days, looking out at the sea and the forest with wistfulness. She hadn't been a good friend to either recently. She hardly ever left her room now. She felt like everyone knew, and she hated seeing the way everyone looked at her.
But she was tired of feeling this way. Tired of crying every day. Tired of trying to be strong enough to do it all on her own. Frightened that she had already disappointed her siblings beyond repair. She was tired of puffy eyes and heavy shoulders. She wanted to fly again. Her thoughts circled in despair to the other half of her broken spirit. That boy.
It wasn't the same without him. Nothing ever was. And nothing ever would be. She couldn't even talk about him to anyone, because she felt sure that secretly they would be laughing at her imagination. Oh, but how real he was- is. Lucy was still young, and she knew she had many things to learn, but there was an uneasiness in her heart when she thought on Peter Pan.
For, perhaps what she had been unable to recognize at fourteen, she was certainly able to recognize at seventeen. She knew girls who had married at sixteen. For Aslan's sake, she knew her own mind and heart! And to her great misfortune, both were set upon the impossible.
A deep breath filled her lungs with crisp, sweet Narnian air, then another.
She wanted things to change. It was time. She had to do something, she wasn't certain what, but something.
As the sun began its fiery ascent, she stood and leaned out against the balcony railing, as if in that moment she might merge into the colorful display herself. And as she breathed and watched and listened, something wilder and deeper spoke to her.
Return to me, and I shall return to you.
And Lucy wept. Great tears of contrition rolled down her face, falling into the salt of the sea below.
"How sorry I am, for not trusting you as I vowed, for not following you as I should, for not turning to you. Aslan, I have been so selfish. I did not even ask of you your will, or listen for your voice."
Peace, little one. It is time to shake off your mane, my Lioness, and be brave once more.
Lucy wrapped her arms tightly around herself, whispering, "But how shall I begin?"
Lucy felt the immediate rumble of disapproval roll through her.
Do not ask questions you know the answers to. For you know to distingush between right and wrong.
"Not always. Sometimes what I feel is wrong, so very wrong." Lucy murmured, and just as easily as she had felt the disapproval, she now felt it replaced with a repressed amusement which confused her.
But on that matter you shall have to wait.
She knew the warning inherent in Aslan's words, so she did not press.
Do first as you know you must, and then my little Lioness, fight for me.
And even as she felt strength and fire fill her up, still she asked, "Fight?"
In every way, every day. Be still and know me.
Her eyes closed and she once more took in a deep breath, as Aslan's last words whispered over her like a caress. Then she pivoted with purpose in her step, shoulders thrown back, chin tilted up in defiance of any who might stand in her path. Queen Lucy the Valiant had returned to her people.
Though the Cair bustled in the regular morning routine, there was a heaviness that was wrong. As Lucy marched down the halls, she could read the caution in the sideways glances sent her way. Lucy frowned. It was all wrong. She had always been a friend to the Narnians, and she had blindly abandoned them during her personal crisis. Never again.
A Lioness she would be, with teeth bared against her greatest adversary at this moment in time: herself.
She turned the handle of the door to the private parlor. It was considered uncommonly informal, but this was where the royals liked to break their fast every morning. Together, as a family. The moment she entered, her three siblings were on their feet staring at her in shock, with Susan the first to speak.
"Lucy?" she inquired in a quiet, confused tones, "Is everything well with you?" and taking a tentative step towards her sister, "Shall I…?"
Lucy held out a placating hand. "I have great need to apologize to you, all of you, for I have been the greatest of all fools." She let their surprise that she had spoken wash over her. "I have been tremendously selfish and beg your forgiveness for all I have done to harm both you and Narnia in the past months. All of you have sacrificed much for me, given much to me. Know that all that has occurred has been a result of my own insecurities and lack of faith."
Though the siblings had all listened in stunned silence until this point, here Peter moved to protest, but Lucy cut him off.
"No, Peter, I am not a child who does not know what she does. I am responsible for my own actions, my choices to deceive, to not trust, to not ask for help. I am in the wrong, and I admit it freely. I know that I have hurt each of you, and pray that you forgive me as I work to repair the mistakes I have made. I am not Aslan, and I am sure now of the distinction between his will and my own."
This time, Peter spoke gravely without opposition, "I think sometimes, that we have done you a great disservice all these years by saying that you are closest of us all to Aslan. You are allowed to make mistakes, Lucy, as we all do."
She reached forward, clasping the High King's hands in her own, "I am truly sorry."
He only pulled one of his hands from her grasp and chucked her playfully under the chin, smiling at her softly, "You are forgiven, dear sister."
She now looked away from him, and towards the others. Susan was weeping openly and promptly hurled herself at Lucy. "Oh, don't be daft, you stupid girl!"
"Susan!" Peter rebuked, but it was drowned out by Susan's tears and tight grip around the younger queen's shoulders.
"Of course you're forgiven! I just wanted for you to be okay again."
After many minutes had passed, and Susan had finally been reassured and could be pried from her younger sister, Lucy finally made her way to Edmund where he watched her with a quiet countenance. Her hands twisted each other with nerves.
"Edmund," she whispered, "I should never have withdrawn from you. You have always been such a friend and comfort to me. It was so cruelly insensitive of me. I thought only of myself, and I cannot tell you how sorry I am-"
"Lu," said he firmly, "We shall always be great friends, you and I," he paused as she burrowed deep into his chest with a cry of elation, arms wrapping his waist, "But I am ever so glad you're no longer a mute."
And her shoulders shook with laughter, and they all knew that while there were many things still to be spoken of, many broken things still to be repaired, that they were united once more and all would be well.
Any guesses on where in the world I live (besides my imagination)? Where are you all from?
Just in case there's anyone who's still out there reading this story. Love to all of you!
Words-drip-from-my-fingertips