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No Matter What They Say
Chapter 25: Confusing
Milly: Pov
Johnny had been gone for about a minute now. I was almost ready to leave him, but he said he'd gone to get Hiroki. I decided to wait a bit longer and see where this thing would go. It was all Tamiya's idea in the first place. She's stuck on the fact that I must have a thing for Hiroki. The fact is: I don't know if I do or not. I just couldn't back out though. I really did want to go on a walk. Maybe, with Hiroki and Johnny coming along, I could figure out my mind. I could see Johnny finally talking to Hiroki, although I couldn't here what they were saying. I could see him barely in the distance.
"Hey! It took you long enough!" Johnny whispered harshly at Hiroki as he ran up to him. "Milly's getting antsy. I tried to stall, but she's getting bored of just sitting here. She really wants to go on a walk."
"So, Milly really does want to go on a walk with me? She really asked me to go?"
"Well…not exactly."
"What do you mean by that?!" Hiroki said glaring at him.
"Tamiya asked me, and Milly asked where you were. I said I'd call you. I did. She said she'd wait for a little while. She looked kind of happy when I said you were coming, but I still think she's antsy to go. I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing."
"We'll talk more, later. Take me to Milly and Tamiya."
Johnny headed over toward Tamiya and me. Hiroki was smiling. Maybe, Tamiya was right. Maybe, he did have a thing for me.
"Hey," Hiroki said as he came over to where we were sitting. I stood up and so did Tamiya. He was two to three inches shorter than I was. I looked at both him and Johnny.
"Are we finally ready to go?" I asked. I didn't wait for a reply. I started walking. Tamiya was next to me on my right and Johnny and Hiroki were following. We walked around until we found a path we wanted to follow. It led around the area and we took it without asking the boys whether or not they wanted to. I started trying to make small talk with Tamiya. I didn't know what to say to Hiroki or Johnny, but I could have sworn that my arm was straying away from my side and longing to get close enough to hold Hiroki's hand. I tried to restrain that urge.
"Well, Tamiya, how long are we walking and where are we going?" I asked.
"Well, I thought we could walk for a little while and then maybe get a cup of hot chocolate from that café on our way back."
"That sounds nice."
"Hey, maybe later on this trip we can go skiing together or something," Hiroki said. "It might be fun, and I love skiing."
"That sounds fun, Hiroki," Johnny answered him.
"Yeah, we could come along too," Tamiya said and joined in with their conversation. She held back for a minute to pick up stride with Johnny and Hiroki. She actually started walking with them instead of me. I looked back at them. She was smiling with them and acting as if she was their best friend. I hardly even know them, no, scratch that, we hardly even know them! What was she doing?
"Yeah, I guess that sounds fun," I added. Hiroki stepped into line with me. He smiled at me too, and I gave him a small smile. I don't know what happened after that, but Hiroki looked different somehow. He looked…older…or something, and cute. When I looked at him again my heart started beating faster and my palms got all sweaty and I'm sure I was blushing because my face felt hot. I don't know what was happening, but it was just like, just the fact that he was standing next to me made me feel happy and want to smile. Hearing him talk just made me feel different.
"So, are you having fun, Milly?" Hiroki asked. I think I saw him blush a bit. "I mean on the vacation?"
I laughed a small bit. "Yeah. It's been fun so far. I still haven't had a chance to do too much," I said and smiled. I had to look away from him. I must be blushing so badly. He looks so cute. Why does he look so cute? He's never looked like this before. Only Ulrich has ever looked like this to me. Wait? Did I just compare him to Ulrich? DO you think he notices that I'm talking to myself? I better say something. "How have you been doing? I haven't really talked to you much."
"I've been fine. I guess I'm glad that we're finally getting a chance to hang out. I mean, I see you on campus and on the news, but I never really get to talk to you," he said. "It's like if you're in a different grade, you normally don't hang out with others in other grades."
"Yeah, I guess so, except in your sister's case. She only hangs out with 8th graders. In fact, she's going out with one," I said and laughed.
"Yeah! Of course, Ulrich is amazing. Who wouldn't want to hang out with him?" he said and smiled. Oh, no. Why does he have to look so cute when he smiles?
"Yeah, I guess so. All the girls love Ulrich."
"So, I guess age doesn't count in that instant," he said and sighed. "It usually does everywhere else though. Yumi and Ulrich aren't the norm."
I don't know what I was doing, but I just spit it out without thinking. "I don't like being normal. Normal's too boring!" He looked at me and smiled. I don't know why I said that, but I did, and I couldn't take it back, plus it was true. I really didn't want to be all that normal.
"Yeah, normal is pretty boring if you think about it. I guess I don't really like being normal either. Random and original are better," he stated plainly. He was smiling. I was too. I don't know why. He was just an average 5th grader. What am I thinking? He's a 5th grader. I'm a 6th. I shouldn't even be feeling like this yet. He shouldn't be this cute. I shouldn't want to do what I am thinking about. He shouldn't want to be here with me. We shouldn't be here, like this. My hand shouldn't want to be in his hand. But we are, and it does. I saw his eyes go for my hand, and then look back to my face. My eyes lingered on his hand, and then slowly traveled to his face. Soon enough, I didn't know what I was doing, but his hand and mine were clenched together and we were both smiling. I could feel two sets of eyes on the back of us and our hands. I don't know what they are thinking, but, heck, I don't even know what I am thinking. What am I thinking?
------m------
"Ok, are you happy?" Ulrich asked as Odd hobbled out of his room for the final time, carrying his torn pants.
"Yes. I'm so glad to get out of this death trap. I've been wanting out of here ever since I woke up. Idiot nurse was so annoying. She was fun to annoy though," Odd said and smiled. Yumi was standing at the elevator holding his release papers with Jared, Aelita, and Jeremie. Odd took an extra second to stop by the desk before he headed over toward them. "Goodbye, Jacki!" he shouted toward the nurse and smiled. She just scowled at him and kept walking.
"You sure you're ok, Odd?" Aelita asked caringly. "Do you need any help?"
"No, I need to do this on my own, but thanks," he said and smiled at her. The elevator opened and they all walked in.
"Well, what are we doing since Odd's finally out of this place?" Jared asked.
"I don't know what any of you guys are doing, but I've got plans," Ulrich said and took Yumi's hand.
"Ulrich, we can skip our plans if Odd…"
"No, Yumi. Odd's fine. He said so himself. We're not missing this. Plus, I-I got you something," Ulrich said and blushed.
Yumi smiled at him. "Ok, fine. I guess we have plans that are unchangeable. Sorry guys."
"Well, I guess we can all hang out tonight," Aelita said to Jeremie, Jared, and Odd. Yumi looked at Ulrich nervously. The elevator doors opened at the lobby. Yumi slid her hand out of Ulrich's and pulled Aelita to the side.
"Aelita, we need to talk."
"Sure, Yumi, but shouldn't you be going soon?" she asked inquisitively.
"Yeah, but I need to tell you something. People are talking, Aelita."
"What do you mean?"
"Aelita, I overheard 5th graders talking about you. They were saying that you had a thing going on with four guys at once."
"What? Yumi, you and I both know I only like Odd."
"Yeah, but not everybody knows that. If 5th graders think you have a thing for four guys, than the entire school probably thinks you have a thing for four guys," Yumi said sympathetically. "You may want to stay away from the other for a while. I mean just until the rumors stop."
"Yumi, I mean, I don't care all that much what people think of me. Wait. Did you say four guys? Wait, Jeremie, Odd, maybe even Jared, but who's the fourth?"
Yumi looked at her with sad eyes. "Hiroki."
"What? You don't seriously think I have a thing for Hiroki do you?"
"No, but other people do. I mean, Aelita, it's just for your own good. I don't want people to talk about you, and I don't want you leading someone you don't like on. I don't think that you…."
"Yumi, I know you're trying to protect me, but I don't need protecting. I can take care of myself," Aelita said harshly. "I'm sorry, but I know what I'm doing. Jared knows I like Odd, and Jeremie has already apologized to me about fighting with me and Odd. I'll be fine. Just, go have you're fun. This night is important. I know you'll have fun," she said and smiled.
"Wait. You know what Ulrich is planning?"
"Well, yeah. I helped him," she said and laughed a bit. "Have fun," she said and winked. Then she walked away and helped Odd hobble out of the sliding double doors into the snow. She turned around at the last minute and smiled again. Ulrich slowly walked over to Yumi and twined his fingers with hers.
"Come on," he said and pulled her toward the exit. "We have to go get ready."
------m------
Milly: Pov
His hand felt warm. It was cold out, but not too cold. It might have been in the low 40s. My hand felt like it was on fire though. Could he feel that? Was my hand red from the heat? I glanced down to make sure. It wasn't, obviously, but still it felt like it was. His fingers were intertwined with mine. It wasn't like those times where you see to hands cupped together. It was one of those times where you could see fingers twisted together. I'm pretty sure that was more personal. I kept my eyes strait ahead. I couldn't bear to turn and look at Hiroki, and I definitely wasn't going to see what Tamiya was looking like or Johnny for that matter. I could hear their voices in the middle of a conversation. Hiroki and I hadn't had a conversation since he started to hold my hand. Or hand I started to hold his hand? I couldn't even tell anymore. Did it matter who had started the hand holding? Yeah, it probably did. Tamiya would want to know when we got back to our room. She always wanted to know every detail. I opened my mouth as if to say something. I had already tried doing this about 4 times now, and each time I couldn't think of anything to say and shut my mouth, feeling stupid. About the same time I opened my mouth this time, Hiroki started talking.
"So, um…yeah, is this ok?" Hiroki said awkwardly looking down at our hands.
"Yeah," I told him. It wasn't a lie. It's not like it was uncomfortable, and I sure as heck didn't want him to stop, but I don't know if I should be leading him on this way. It probably wasn't a very smart idea anyway because whether or not we liked it, we couldn't be together. He was still going to stay a 5th grader and I was still going to stay a 6th grader. We were always going to be a year apart, and wasn't there a saying about how people our age we too young to fall in love anyway. Wait, I'm not in love anyway. So, it doesn't matter. Good.
He smiled at me. I love and hate when he smiles at me, or at least recently. Now that I think about it, I can remember him smiling at me a lot on campus. It didn't bother me then. I didn't really even seem all that aware of it. Now, it makes my heart flutter and my brain get all confused. I love the way he looks, but he's not supposed to look like that. "Well, I'm glad this is ok. When you stopped talking, I was beginning to think that it wasn't ok with you," he said sweetly and rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb.
"Hiroki, I-I," I tried to say something, but I couldn't spit anything out. "It's just…."
"What?" Hiroki asked and stopped rubbing the back of my hand. "Did I do something wrong? Did I upset you? What is it? I know, I'm going too fast, aren't I? Aelita said girls hate it when guys go too fast. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just nervous…. It's just, you're so beautiful, and I…."
"Stop." I looked at him, but he put his head down. "You think I'm beautiful?" I'm pretty sure he didn't expect me to say that, or anything of the sort. I think he expected me to rip my hand away from him and say something about him being too fast. He looked up at me in shock.
"Well, yeah. I think you're one of the most beautiful girls I've ever met."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Is that bad?"
"No. That's…that's the sweetest thing anybody's ever said to me," I said and smiled. This is wrong. I can't do this. I'm just in 6th grade. What am I thinking? Get you're head back, Milly. He's just another pretty face. Don't let him entice you. You could never be with him. He's too young. I'm too young. This feeling isn't supposed to happen until I'm older, but it's here and it feels so right.
"Hiroki, I-I I can't do this," I said and turned my head down. I slowly slid my hand out of his. I glanced up and only saw his confused face. Maybe, it was hurt. I can't tell. I looked back down quickly.
"But, Milly, you said…you said that was ok. You said…."
"I-I just…can't. I'm sorry," I whispered and that was it. That was all I said. I couldn't say anything else. I couldn't stay there much longer either or else I would change my mind again. I had to get away from his pretty face and the way he made me feel. I ran. I just turned quickly and ran. The tears were streaming down my face. I was crying. Over him. There was this ache in my chest as I ran. It was as if my heart didn't want to leave. I can't believe I'm saying this, or thinking this, or whatever I'm doing, but I think I love him. As young as I am, I think I love him. Who's to say that we're too young to love? I didn't want these strange feelings though, and my head was more confused than ever. I just kept running, all the while I wanted to turn back and slip my hand back into his. I just kept on running with the tears running down my face. I never looked back. Never. I ran all the way back to the lobby of the hotel and curled up in one of the chairs and pretended to fall asleep, all the while I was crying and not sleeping. I don't know how many people really thought I was sleeping and I don't really care. I could have been getting strange looks from everyone in that lobby and I would not have cared. I have no idea what I want. I want my head to straighten out and for my heart to stop aching and confusing me.
I don't know what time it was when he tapped on my shoulder, but he eventually did. "Milly, we need to talk."
"I don't want to talk to you, Hiroki!"
"Milly, we need to talk. I don't know what I did wrong back there, but I'm sorry," he said sweetly. Did I hear him sniff? Was that because it was cold, or had I hurt him? I didn't turn to find out.
"You didn't do anything, Hiroki! Just go away!"
"But, why? Why did you run?"
"I just couldn't do it. I'm just too confused. Leave me alone!" I shouted hoping he'd get my message. I couldn't turn and look at him. If I did, I wouldn't have been able to let him leave. His hand was still on my shoulder, and I could feel the heat radiating from it. It felt so good, and I didn't want it to leave, but it had to leave. It was confusing me even more. I wanted him to stay so much, but I shouldn't want him to stay. What makes him so special? What makes him better than anyone else? Why do I want to see his face or have him hold my hand? What makes him so important that would make my heart feel like this? The only conclusion I can think of is that I love him. I must love him. I don't think I want to love him, but I do, and I can't help that. I just don't want him to leave, but if he doesn't leave my head will stay confused.
Ugh, why does love have to be so confusing! "Just leave, Hiroki!" I shouted at him. "I need to be alone."
"Milly, I really think we should talk."
"No, Hiroki!" I shouted. I finally turned around and faced him. My eyes must have been red, and my hair was obviously a mess. I wiped my eyes quickly. "I don't want to talk!" He must have been surprised that I was crying, because his face showed that he was in shock. Was it just my imagination or was he red eyed too? Was I hurting him? I don't want to hurt him. I really don't want to make him cry. It was too late for that. Hiroki took two steps backwards. I definitely saw a tear roll down his face. Then he darted out of the lobby at full speed. I turned away and cried into the armrest of the chair.
------m------
"I hate you!" Hiroki yelled as he entered his room. Johnny was the only one in there. He stood up as Hiroki entered. "I hate you!" Hiroki's eyes were red. There were tears running down his face. He kept rubbing them away quickly. "Why did you do that?! I thought you said she wanted me to come! I thought you said she obviously liked me! Why?" Hiroki stood there, staring at his friend. His eyes didn't show hatred as much as they showed hurt. He was hurt and confused. "Why did you tell me all that stuff, if you knew she'd run away if I tried to hold her hand? Why?" The last few questions came out less like a shout and more like a whisper. "Johnny, why should I even trust you anymore?"
"Hiroki, it's not my fault! Tamiya said she liked you! I didn't know she would run away like that!"
"Yeah, sure. Whatever. I'm going for a walk. I'll be back. Whenever. Don't call me. I'm not going to have my phone on, and if I do, I'm not picking up. Especially not for you," Hiroki said harshly and strode out the door, slamming it behind him. Johnny sighed and sank back onto the bed.
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