Chapter 25

"Why are you striving these days?

Why are you trying to earn grace…

Tell me where will you go, child, where will you run…

Please don't fight these hands that are holding you"

Tenth Avenue North, "By your side"

Author note: At least one more chapter before this scene is concluded.

Cordelia the spoiled, selfish rich girl, the girl with the expensive clothes and perfect makeup, the girl who was considered as hot as Faith knew she was by others and who knew it, yet wasn't also considered slutty, skanky, or whorish. Cordelia with her sharp putdowns and sarcastic remarks, Cordelia who made her total satisfaction with herself and her superiority over you obvious the moment she stepped into the room. This same Cordelia who forced EVERYONE to notice her at school, whether they wanted to or not, was totally ignored at home? Cordelia who had looked at Faith like she was poor white trash, if she hadn't actually said the words to her face, had a drunken, pill-popping mother just like Faith had, a father who had no interest- Cordelia, who Faith had always assumed was the sparkling pampered princess of her disgustingly rich parents' eyes?

Of course, it wasn't the same. Cordy's dad might ignore her, but he didn't take off before she was even born. Her mother might drink and pop pills and bring her boyfriends around, but she probably had never slammed her in the face with a beer bottle, broke her arm, dragged her by her hair across the floor, or forgot to feed or bathe her…and Faith was sure Cordelia's mother had never let her boyfriends lay a hand on her. Being a poor little rich girl was not the same as being a poor little POOR girl, because even if Faith was wrong, and every shitty thing that happened to her in her own house had happened in Cordelia's too, one thing she knew for a fact was that no one on the outside had ever looked at Cordelia and written her off as a loser before they'd ever spoken to her. No teacher had ever seen her name on the roll call and assumed before laying eyes on her that she was going to be a troublemaker, a waste of time and space.

That was the story of Faith's life.

But the invisibility thing…that was what really struck Faith. That was what made her unable to shrug Cordelia's words away. Because for her, the one thing Faith could not stand above all other ways of treatment was being ignored when she didn't' want to be.

She had always hated when someone looked past her without seeming to see her, when people didn't seem to notice or care that she was in the room or even that she existed. As a child, and even as a younger teen, Faith had hated so much to be ignored that she often deliberately antagonized people, just to make them take notice, even though this would mean punishment. Even if someone was yelling at you or hitting you, at least they noticed you were there. When even that didn't' always seem to work, she had decided it was better to act like she didn't even want anyone giving her notice, that people bothered her and all she wanted was to be on her own, free to do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted.

Hell, she still did that…only with Earl screwing with everything, it was getting harder and harder to keep it up for much longer.

But if Cordy was invisible, her parents didn't care about spending money or even having Faith stay in the pool house for the next five months or so…then why would she have made her the money spending offer of going out with her dad's credit card for the day? What in the world could she want?

"Then why would you ask me to do that?" she asked slowly, her voice softer, unsure, and Cordelia's voice too was quiet when she answered, weary, containing none of the sarcasm or defensiveness it usually displayed as she shifted her eyes away at last, pressing her fingertips against her temples.

"Not because you're such a charming, winsome companion, if that's what you're wondering. Look, Faith…it would just be kind of nice…well, maybe not NICE, but DIFFERENT, to have a day out with someone who doesn't see me as an extra set of studying eyes or wheels, a way to get more popular pushing people off my social ladder, or who just wants in my pants. Well, actually, I wouldn't be surprised if you did, since sex seems to be your first thought in response to everything," Cordelia rolled her eyes, finally giving a small smirk. "But at least you'd be honest about it, even if you did get your boobs flattened for it."

She shifted her eyes back towards Faith, checking her response, but Faith was finding it difficult enough to mentally process what she had just heard, let alone have to talk out loud about it. Her pack of cigarettes long forgotten, she stared at Cordelia openly, then blinked several times, incredulous. From what she was understanding…Cordelia was offering to let her run up her daddy's credit card, because she WANTED to spend time with her? Because CORDELIA wanted to spend time with HER?

Either this was more of Earl's work, Cordelia was totally insane, or this was some huge set up for a joke…but however she looked at it, it was totally whacked. And yet when she looked at Cordelia again, seeing the slight impatience creeping into her eyes, she also thought she saw sincerity. Faith didn't know if she'd actually take her up on her offer, but if it was sincere…well, Cordy was trying to be nice for real, god knows why.

"Oh…well, thanks," she muttered awkwardly, turning her head away, and she was irritated to feel herself blush as she paused, drawing her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around them subconsciously. "And you know, the other stuff too. Not blabbing about the pants thing…the vamp thing today…" shit, if she thought about it, Cordy had been saving her ass a LOT lately…"and you know, letting me stay here…not like I asked, or you had to, or anything…so, uh, thanks. Got me out of living with Giles or Wesley or god forbid, Buffy and her mom. So…that was cool of you."

Shit, she must sound like a moron…had she made any sense at all, or had she only managed to succeed in totally embarrassing herself by stuttering around like freakin' Willow?

She expected Cordelia to smirk and call her on it in some way, but the other girl didn't make any sort of comment about Faith's delivery whatsoever. In fact, she skipped past any mention of herself whatsoever and focused in on Buffy, snorting and shaking her head.

"Buffy? You mean, Little Miss Golden Perfect Pastel Princess One?" she rolled her eyes, then smirked at Faith knowingly, raising an eyebrow. "Yeah you really dodged one there, huh? Would suck living with the one girl who's as jealous and competitive of you as you are of her."

Faith sat up straight in a hurry, her eyes widening as she shook her head adamantly at this casually tossed out statement. She didn't know what crack Cordy had been smoking, but what she was saying was COMPLETELY off.

"Okay, I am NOT jealous of Buffy, I don't want any of the shirt she has, she can- okay, fine, maybe a LITTLE bit, just a LITTLE bit, will you stop it already?" she backtracked when she felt her pants warm yet again, clinching her jaw. "But there's no way in hell Buffy Summers is jealous of ME."

"Oh, please, you're only the second person in two years to come along who can kick her ass whenever you feel like it, and you've got a body that doesn't require padded bras, unlike her…usually," Cordelia added with a smirk, her eyes dropping deliberately to Faith's chest, which was at the moment appearing full as usual. "Plus you can do what you want without having to answer to anyone or have hardly anyone ever even try to tell you no, or even expect much from you. Believe me, Buffy would see that as a target for jealousy. I mean, she was jealous of the Slayer who couldn't date, owned one shirt, and had a weird accent, you think she's not gonna be jealous of the girl who shows up and starts hooking up with all the guys in Sunnydale who aren't demons, robots, vampires, or demon worshippers?"

Faith had to admit that the other girl might have a point…still, Buffy had Angel, didn't she? Or she had…from what Buffy had been saying earlier, it sounded like that was on the outs. But did it matter what Faith had done or looked like at first though, if Buffy had Angel, or at least wanted to think she did?

"I get the resentment on her part, and more on yours," Cordelia was saying, and Faith looked over at her again, her brow furrowed. Cordelia was leaning back against the chair, putting weight on one hand, and looking ahead rather than at Faith, seeming to be talking to herself as much as to Faith from the unusual pensiveness in her expression. "But not why everyone is soooo fascinated with her. Personally, I wouldn't wish living a WEEK with Buffy Summers on anyone, much less a lifetime. Mrs. Summers has got to be some kind of a saint to be able to keep smiling without having to heavily self-medicate by this point."

Though Faith couldn't have explained why to anyone who might have asked, her face flushed, one hand knotting into a fist, and a surge of resentment towards Cordelia and defensiveness towards Buffy coiled through her at Cordelia's offhand, somewhat scathing remarks, and she found herself speaking up for her quickly without quite having meant to do so. "Hey, Buffy's not that bad. She has to do a lot-"

"Yeah, Little Miss Hero who saves the world every weekend and on Tuesdays, believe me, I've heard that story enough to act it out on Broadway," Cordelia rolled her eyes, shifting herself so she was facing Faith more fully as she continued. "Look, I know she means well, and she saves lives and all, mine included. I'm not saying she doesn't get props for that. But she doesn't seem to GET what just her BEING here and being what she is DOES. Yeah, I know, it's the Hellmouth, without her we'd all be dead and undead, blah blah blah, but even if she does hero stuff, it still has consequences for other people that SHE doesn't have to deal with. And she doesn't get it. She doesn't even REALIZE it."

With this sudden outburst, Cordelia's voice had risen in volume, intensified, and her eyes had bore straight into Faith's in such a manner that Faith grew uncomfortable, yet strangely drawn in, unable to break eye contact. For several seconds after Cordelia's words had cut off she held her gaze; then she exhaled, tucking one leg in against her chest and directing her eyes towards the pool as her voice dropped.

"Everyone that Buffy comes across gets trapped or screwed over one way or another, and if it's not directly by her, it's from something to do with being around her. I don't think she can help it. Fact remains, you stick around Buffy and her little friends, and you get burned. So…if you're as obsessed with her as everyone else is, take my advice and get over it, or you'll get burned too."

Her eyes returned to Faith as she made her last statement, narrowed, seemingly assessing her….for what? What exactly was she trying to say? Then she smirked, the corners of her mouth tipping.

"And with that screwy angel of yours, I think you've had more than enough burning lately without Buffy adding to it."

Faith snickered, but she was still squirming inwardly at Cordelia's continued look and the implication behind it. Did Cordelia think she was obsessed with Buffy? What did she mean, obsessed? HOW was she obsessed? WAS she obsessed? How often and in what way did you have to think about someone before you were obsessed?

Better not to think about it or ask. And anyway she wasn't obsessed. That was stupid.

Still, better not to say that out loud, just in case Earl disagreed.

Cordy was right about one thing though…ever since she'd come to Buffy, Faith's life had been steadily nosediving into greater depths of suckiness, at least, until lately, and how permanent this was remained to be seen. Not that her life had been so great before, especially with…well, all the shit that happened right before in Boston, shit that she didn't even want to think about. But ever since Sunnydale it had all just been piling, more and more, to the point where Faith not only couldn't trust anyone else, she couldn't even trust her own self. Kakistos…Post…B lying about Angel….that man, in the alley…and now Earl too. Some way or another, it could all be traced back to Buffy.

Maybe Cordelia wasn't too far off the mark in what she was saying…but how had SHE come to that conclusion when as far as Faith could tell, she and B didn't even have much to do with each other whenever possible?

"I thought you were never friends with Buffy," Faith questioned, her tone light, but she was much more curious than she wanted to let on. "What did she do to burn you, steal your lipstick?"

"Please, like I would ever wear anything close to the shades SHE likes," Cordelia rolled her eyes, and Faith pushed aside hurriedly the close up image of Buffy's lips, complete with pale, shimmery lipstick Cordelia was dismissing, that came to her mind. "No, we were never friends, I could tell by day two of her showing up in town that would never work. Not only did she zone in like a magnet on everything weird and evil and get us all sucked in just be EXISTING nearby, she managed to destroy my entire world."

Cordelia gave a slightly bitter, slightly amused chuckle, but when Faith looked over at her face, she was startled to see its features somewhat softer than before, the sadness standing in her eyes. Cordelia might be treating what she was saying as irritating, but even Faith could tell without her needing to say so that it was also a genuine source of pain.

Faith thinned her lips, then shifted her weight, sitting up cross legged with one hand on her thigh as she tried to decide between letting the conversation settle into nothingness and facing the awkwardness of pressing further. Eventually her curiosity won out, and she asked Cordelia softly, "How?"

"Well hanging around her and her dorky friends even just by default, that doesn't exactly do much to keep your homecoming princess title," Cordelia huffed, but Faith didn't fail to notice that her arms tightened around her legs, pulling them close to her chest, and she wasn't meeting her eyes. "Ever since I started trying to save my own ass, and the world by extension, from all of Buffy's demons and vampires and ugly worm monsters and whatever else is apparently attracted to the special perfume of ex cheerleader slayers, I've lost my place at the top of the school's social ladder, not to mention all possible dates that are even worth trying not to yawn over, and all my friends. Granted, they weren't exactly the best or most exciting friends you could ask for, but it's Sunnydale, how many are there to choose from anyone with someone dying every week? And the point is, they were MINE!"

Cordelia's voice was beginning to rise slightly as she continued, intensifying, and her features tensed, her eyes narrowing as she fixed them on the pool's surface. She paused, inhaling slowly, and shook her head before continuing, talking to herself as much as to Faith.

"You know people actually make fun of me now? People make fun of ME. That's what being around Buffy does to you…not to mention the whole thing with Xander. I mean, that was okay while it lasted, even if he was a total geek loser, but then what do I get out of that? Mass mocking and public shunning, and being cheated on with WILLOW of all people. WILLOW! I mean, if it was YOU or something I could at least understand a LITTLE, but WILLOW?"

"Trust me, he wasn't that great, I wouldn't be too jealous," Faith blurted without thinking, and Cordelia's eyes bulged as she whipped her head towards her, mouth opening.

"What? You too?" she sputtered, and Faith hurried to clarify herself.

"It was after you guys were done, just the one time. If you didn't screw him before, you ain't missing anything. It wasn't-"

"You SCREWED him?" Cordelia interrupted with heavy disbelief, her eyebrows raising nearly to her hairline, and Faith shifted awkwardly, glancing down at her chest and realizing with some surprise that her breasts were still intact. Did Earl not count this as a sexual conversation?

"If it makes you feel any better, I kicked him out in his underwear after," she offered, watching closely as Cordelia shook her head, still making disbelieving, incredulous sounds to herself…and then slowly began to smile.

"God, he gets around for a dorky loser guy, doesn't he?" She kept shaking her head, then gave a slight chuckle that surprised Faith more than anything she'd said all day…she had expected Cordy to yell, to go off on a rant, something in the realm of anger. But instead she was shaking her head with a mixture of amusement, irritation, and most predominantly weariness in her eyes.

"Well thanks for the update on yet another tally to add to the Buffy related list of destruction also known as my life," she muttered. "And let's not forget the other items of being kidnapped and tied up or handcuffed like every week by invisible psychos or redneck vampires or people who want to feed you to huge snakes, getting knocked unconscious enough to consider just wearing a hardhat if I could find enough to match my outfits, not to mention getting beaten, tortured, nearly killed, and outright HUMILIATED like a dozen times…and by the way, do I get any credit for any of this?" Cordelia asked suddenly, her voice much more clear and intent, though not really loud, her shoulders tensing as her voice gained speed. "Do I get any recognition, at least, for the way I STILL help them out even though NONE of them are my friends, even though I don't HAVE to and no one should EXPECT me to, even though that means ditching dates and cheerleading and any hope of regaining a social life? Do I get an occasional "thanks Cordelia," or even a "Yeah it really sucks how you about died yet again, Cordelia," or even a "Wow too bad about ruining your sixth outfit in one week with disgusting demon blood, Cordelia?" NO, what I get is people looking at me like I'm stupid or in their way, and calling me to be everyone's demon researcher, personal chauffer, money lender, bait, or hot piece of ass to distract people, THAT is what I get! And does anyone think about what that might cost me or what else I might have to do or what might be going on with me, does anyone even pretend to care? NO, huge, flashing, neon light sign NO," Cordelia added fiercely, shaking her head vehemently as her hands dug into the fabric of her robe as she continued to glare fixedly ahead of her, her voice progressively heated.

"Of course not. But Little Miss Perfect Pastel Princess so much as breaks a nail, everyone drops what they're doing to help HER, because only SHE knows real trauma. Me, I lose my whole world and everyone just rolls their eyes and goes on. I lose my world and no one even NOTICES."

Cordelia's voice cut off abruptly, her last word spoken in a hissing whisper that shook with noticeable emotion. Her fingers continued to press hard against her knees, gripping the material of her robe so tightly that Faith wondered if it might tear. Her features were rigid, her jaw held to tightly that Faith thought she was gritting her teeth, and though there were no tears in her eyes, she had felt the way Cordelia looked at that moment enough times to suspect this was only because she was keeping them under strict control.

Cordelia was heavily emotionally invested in what she was saying, and Faith could not stop herself from staring. She was talking about more than her valley girl friends, more than popularity, more than fighting demons or getting used as bait or distraction or anything to do with Buffy and her friends at all. Hearing the way she spoke her last couple of sentences more than the actual words she said, and seeing the raw hurt in her eyes that the other girl was not entirely able to successfully conceal, Faith's heart beat faster, her stomach tightening with wordless recognition of what she had no words to describe…her first recognition of someone else who had indeed, as Cordelia had put it, lost her world.

Someone like Faith.

It wasn't a thing or a status or a lifestyle that Faith had lost, at least, none of those had been what really hurt at all, what haunted her thoughts and dreams. What Faith had lost was people, one person in particular, and looking at Cordelia's face, she recognized without needing any deep insight, but only a reflection of herself in a face not her own, that Cordelia had as well….and that like Faith, the person Cordelia had lost had likely been the one person who really mattered to her.

Faith took in a slow breath and held it for several seconds, eyes still fixed on Cordy's profile, and struggled silently before taking the plunge to voice the question that had been dangling between them.

"Cordy…who did you lose?"