102038901289312898% sure I don't own Divergent.
Chapter 25
I watch as her chest rises and falls steadily.
Natalie Prior looks unbelievable relaxed and beautiful even in death's bed.
Her dirty blonde hair is sprayed around her sleeping face like a halo, and the tubes that help her breathe around her nose don't affect the calmness on her face. I can see myself in her. We have the same big nose, though hers looks elegant in her face. The same little mouth and the same small figure. Some stirs in my stomach while I look at her.
"You should go in, Tris."
I turn my head around and find Andrew standing against the wall in the hallway to his and Natalie's bedroom. I shift uncomfortably in my wheelchair under the door frame.
"I don't want to disturb her."
"You won't. She wants to see you before…before it's too late." Andrew looks down at his shoes before giving me a tired smile.
I nod as he disappears into another room and turn to knock softly on the door. Natalie opens her eyes and turns to me; she manages to smile at me. "Come, Tris, please."
I drag myself to her side and fiddle with my black sweater. I can feel her gaze all over me, examining my cast, my wrist and my head. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm…okay, I guess." I tell her and look up to find her eyes worried. "Doctors say recovery should be over before summer, and that I was very lucky." I make a small pause as she takes my words in. "How are you feeling?"
"Tired." she says with a faint smile, "I've been here before, and I surely don't want to do this again, though I believe there won't be a next time. Caleb knows it, my husband knows it. I know it."
"Is that why you wanted me to come?" I ask, trying to sound gentle.
"Partly," she admits, "but I wanted to see you, and to answer whatever doubts you have before it's too late."
"Why can't Andrew do that?"
"He still doesn't get maternal love. I mean, a father can love you, a lot, but there's nothing like mother's love. It was my choice, after all."
"And you call that maternal love?"
The questions slips through my lips without consent and I can tell Natalie is hurt, but I remain silent.
"I actually do, Tris." She takes a deep breath. "We had…nothing when I found out about you, not even a job; Andrew had finished college, and I was in my way to it. We were barely dating; we did like each other, very much. My parents were furious at me. They left me on my own, and Andrew's family wasn't helpful either. I didn't want to lose you…so I kept you, for very little time.
"I did not want to give you a life where you didn't have what you deserve. I've always wanted the best for you, and I could only hope you got that."
I look to her stiffly. She takes a breath before continuing.
"So one night I took you in my arms and ran away to the Pedrad's home. You're parents were way older than me, and already had two boys. I knew them 'cause they were friends of a teacher of mine; I liked them when I saw them at meetings and college events. That night I left you outside with a note. I was a mess for the next couple of months. I missed you so much, but I kept telling myself that you were better. We had been living in a small apartment in the bad part of town, near college. Andrew hated me, he had all the right to. He forgave me, though.
"Caleb was born two years after you, when we had a steady life, and a marriage. I knew I couldn't just go back and try to take you back, so when he turned three, we attempted to contact you. Your parents were furious, but eventually let us into your life, as family friends. But it stopped a year later, when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer and when your father passed away. It was an early diagnosis and I survived, but we were aware that I might come back. It did, when you were 13, probably, and I survived again. We weren't close to your family anymore and I made a promise to never interfere, to let you be happy."
Natalie takes a deep breath.
"But I won't make it this time, Tris. And I just want you to know that I wanted the best for you."
We remain silent. Me looking down to my cast and Natalie looking at me.
"Tris, please say something." she pleads in a soft voice.
"I don't know what to say." I admit and take a deep breath. "A part of me sort of understands why you did what you did, and it's thankful for it. The other part...is angry at you."
"I get it. I really do." she reaches out for my hand and I reluctantly give it to her. her hand is cold against mine, and both are smaller than average. "And I hope you fully understand me one day too, when you become a mother. Because when you have a child in front of you, when you have your child, you just want the best for them; you want them to be happy and have all the opportunities you didn't." she looks up to me and I hesitantly meet her gaze. "And I couldn't give you any of that, but I still hoped it for you, so I took a decision and prayed for it to be the best."
I try to give her a smile, even a small one, to let her know I'm not angry at her anymore. Natalie smiles back and her eyes fill with tears.
She's right, I might not understand her completely right now, but I hope one day I will.
"Thanks for hoping the best for me." I tell her softly.
"Of course. Thanks for listening, Tris."
I lean down gently and kiss her pale cheek. I can feel her wide smile across her face, and I can't help but returning it myself.
And for now, I forgive her.
…
As soon as I hear Tobias is being released, Zeke drives me to the hospital.
"Hurry up!" I urge him as he brings the wheel chair to my side of his Jeep.
"Jeez, Tris, relax. He is not going anywhere. It's not like he can anyways," he tells me as he carries me into the chair. I shoot him a look and he kisses her the top of my head playfully. "You know I make awful jokes,"
He drives me around the building, we reach the elevator and we stop at his floor. Zeke pushes me quickly around the hall and we stop at the open door of his room to find the bed done and the insides clear. He is gone. I feel a knot in my throat.
"Are you sure he's still here?" my brother asks me.
I nod fervently. "He texted me five minutes ago, Zeke. Mom passed by to check on him and help him to leave. Maybe they're at the reception."
He starts to push me back to the elevator as he asks, "Mom's helping him? Why? Where's his father?"
"He didn't tell me, but I have a bad feeling about this,"
We go to the reception where a nurse moves around hurriedly. When we ask for Eaton, she points to a room to the left and goes back to her job. Zeke pushes me to the 'Waiting Area' where Tobias is sitting in a wheelchair and Mom's signing some papers. I approach him quickly.
"Hey," I whisper as I take in the bags under his eyes and the paleness of his skin, "How are you feeling?"
"High." I chuckle at him. "So many pills, I don't like it."
"It passes." I make a small pause. "How did you get out?"
Tobias sighs deeply and I can see him debating whether he should tell me or not. He looks up to me, and I can recall some sadness in his eyes.
"Marcus had a car accident. No survivors."
The news takes me by surprise. I hate to admit that a part of me is relieved knowing this, and the other just wants to support Tobias. I take a deep breath, take his hand in mine and let my understanding side come out.
"Are you okay?"
"I am." He looks up to me with his beautiful blue eyes filled with exhaustion. "I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. Both of my parents are gone, and I'm barely eighteen. I guess I'm just a little lost."
Mom's overheard the conversation and doesn't hesitate to put a hand in Tobias' shoulder.
"You're coming with us, at least till' college, or till' you are able to walk, whatever happens first." She gives him a reassuring smile. "I do trust you with my little girl," she looks briefly to my side, "and I'm more than happy to take you in."
"Is this serious?" Tobias' eyes widen and for a moment I think he's going to cry. "I will never thank you enough, Hannah."
Mom smiles sweetly.
"Let's go home."
…
Natalie's funeral takes place a couple of days after my visit.
Andrew says it was quick, and he's glad she's finally resting in peace. However, you can see the longing in his eyes and the brokenness on his voice. Something heartbreaking to see.
Caleb is silent trough the ceremony, occasionally brushing a tear. He walks to the podium besides her coffin proudly. He smiles to the attendants, who are a few close friends of the Priors, his dad, me, my mom, and Tobias.
"Thank you all for coming," he starts formally. "Mom would have been happy to see you all." His smile falls slowly as he starts his speech. "My mother taught me a lot of things." Caleb said quietly and fiddled with his fingers. "Since how is not polite to throw a chicken salad to her friends," a few laughs are heard in the front row, probably from Natalie's friends. "To the values to become the best person you can be. However, I always wanted to know about her bravery, and the way she sacrificed her happiness for someone else's well being." I can feel his eyes on me, and I softly smile to him. "She was a person worth meeting, and loving. She taught me to forgive, to smile and to make lasagna without burning the whole house down." he gives us a sad smile. "And I know she will be missed."
No one claps as he steps out of the podium, but I can feel the support flying in the air.
"Tris?" I look up and find Andrew leaning towards me from his chair a row in front of mine. "Would you like to say something? It's okay if not."
He seems honest as he gives me a way out of the speech. I must admit I had thought about this, but never really thought it would happen. I nod.
"I'd like to."
I manage to push myself to the podium, which thankfully isn't very high, just enough for everyone to see my face. I see confusion in most of these people's faces; they all know Caleb but they don't know me.
"Hi." I start politely, and feel Tobias' comforting smile looking my way. "Not many of you know me. I'm Tris Pedrad, also known as Natalie and Andrew's first born." a few women gasp and many others look at me as if I'm joking. "I had never properly met Natalie until a few days ago. She gave me this biological news, and being honest, I was angry at her. At her and at Andrew." I take a deep breath. "I really wish I could talk to you about a nice moment I had with her, but I have none, and that's something I truly regret, because I will never get one now." a knot forms in the tightness of my throat, making it impossible to speak. "But I want her to know that I'm glad I got to speak to her, that I wish I had had more time with her, and, yeah, I will probably miss her." I smile sadly to everyone. "I'm sure she was an incredible woman, and that she will remain with us forever."
I can hear someone crying in the background but I don't look at her as I push myself out of the podium and back to Tobias and my mom. She kisses the top of my head lovingly and I lean into her touch. Tobias takes my hand in his and gives it a gentle squeeze.
The rest of the ceremony passes quickly. A lot of tears are shed. It makes me uncomfortable, especially because I don't know these people. Caleb and Andrew both give me a hug at the end, and I gladly return.
And just like that, she is gone.
…
Yeah, I know you care
I see it in the way you stare
As if there was trouble ahead and you knew it
I'll be saving myself from the ruin
And I know you care
The song echoes in the living room as I stare into a picture of Natalie's early years, when she had Caleb. Her smile glows as her eyes seem to penetrate mine. This was the photo that was in the flyer that Andrew printed for the funeral.
I grip tightly the paper in a fist as a knot forms in my throat.
It's like finally the thought of her being gone is sinking in. I will never see her again, or see her smile, or learn about her family.
I never knew her enough to love her, and a part of me is still hurt by her actions.
However, I know I will miss her.
My thoughts are interrupted by y mother, who appears with Tobias in his wheelchair.
"I'm heading out to catch up on some errands." She helps him to sit on the couch next to me, resting his bad foot on the coffee table, next to mine. "I can trust you, kids, right?"
"Sure," I answer and give her a smile. She kisses the top of my head lovingly and heads out.
"How are you, Tris?" Tobias asks me and wraps his arms around my shoulder and I lean into his touch. He smells like a hospital, but deep down I recognize his signature scent, and I can help but inhale deeply.
"I'll be okay,"
He looks at me in the eyes, and I know he believes me. I can read the exhaustion in his orbs, and another feeling, and I sense it is love. He kisses the tip of my nose, spreading heat trough my body and I smile softly.
"And you?" I ask back.
Suddenly, he takes my face in both of his hands and kisses me gently. His lips feel perfect above mine, and I now realize how bad I've missed his touch, his heat and his lips. He's become something I can't live without, something essential. It seems something intense, dangerous even.
But that's love.
"I love you, Tobias." I blurt out in a whisper and he smiles sadly against my mouth.
"Now I'll feel so much better." He tells me and kisses me one last time.
I rest my head on his shoulder, my blonde hair spreading all over his hoodie. And I smile.
Because even if we have lost people,
Even if we are not fully happy,
Or even if we don't know who we really are,
We'll be okay.
Because he is mine, and I am his, and it's been that way all along.
A/N: Pretty little freaking quote at the end, right?(:
Up next, Epilogue.
We're so close to the end. It makes me sad)):
Guys, I'm not leaving you. I'm finishing this, okay? You guys are my everything, and I will never abandon a story like that. YOU ARE ALLA AMAZING. I do apologize for my absence, and I know you don't want to hear abot my problems, so we'll leave it at I have a lot of personal mess going around right now.
NOTES:
Ugh, um, I know I wrote earlier that Caleb was older and stuff but that didn't make sense (excuse my poor old self) but I'm changing it right away!
And the song is I Know You Care by Ellie Goulding((:
Anyway, I love you. Maybe leave me a review? Pretty please?
See you in the Epilogue!