Chapter 25 –A Nice Chat
S.H.I.E.L.D. brought Thor and his friends in for information regarding the announcement that the rulers of other realms were coming to visit. Thor was struggling to focus as he kept thinking about Loki and how he had looked.
How could Loki not contact him before this announcement? Why had he not at least told Thor that he was alive?
"So this queen who did most of the talking isn't supposed to be queen?" said Coulson, pushing through Thor's distraction.
"She was princess when we left," said Sif, her expression dark.
"It seems like she's calling the shots," said Steve, staring up at the frozen image of the seven people.
"Why would anyone, least of all the Jotun king or Queen Aetril, submit to Sigyn?" asked Sif.
"That's a good question," said Fandral, pacing behind Thor. "There is also the matter of the destruction of the Bifrost."
Thor blinked and turned his chair to face Fandral,
"You're not about to suggest Sigyn was behind it, are you?"
"We've already learned she's far more cunning than we first thought," said Fandral.
"No, we found out she loves Loki and did much to be close to him. That is all. You're twisting too much to make it fit a ridiculous idea," said Thor firmly.
"But what could it-" started Sif, only for Maria Hill to cut across her,
"Sir, there's a man standing outside the base. He looks like Thor's brother."
Thor stood up so fast he knocked his chair over.
"What?"
"He looks like your brother," said Maria, pointing at the screen, showing a man standing in front of the building. Dressed in a Midgardian suit with a scarf tossed elegantly about his neck, Loki had his hands in his pockets, staring and waiting.
Thor instinctively knew Loki was waiting for him. He strode forward and said,
"I will speak with him."
"I'll bring him up," said Maria, turning around.
"No," boomed Thor. Everyone turned to look at him. "I will go to him."
No one objected as Thor pushed past them and headed for the door. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears. What would he say? What would Loki say? What the hell were they going to say to each other after so much time and so many things that Thor knew now?
By the time Thor reached the exit of S.H.I.E.L.D's on land headquarters, his hands were shaking so much he had to shove them into his pockets –and distinctly heard something tear in the left one. Great. He already felt oddly underdressed in his dirty jeans and simple shirt and t-shirt that he preferred on days of rest.
The door opened and across the small open courtyard between the boundary wall and the building stood Loki. He had stayed on the other side of the gate, his hands also in his pockets. To hide his own trembling fingers?
They locked eyes instantly. A million emotions rose up inside Thor like a volcano and he had to force himself to walk slowly and calmly across the paved ground. Loki didn't move, he simply watched Thor approach without a flicker of emotion. The small barrier started to rise, and Thor ducked under it so he wouldn't break his stride.
At last he was in arms reach of his brother, and stood still staring at him. Up close Loki looked older than ever, gaunt and shadowed in a way that Thor recognised from their father's face, though it had never occurred to him that could have been from kingship. He had always just assumed it was how Odin looked.
Now he drank in Loki's face, while struggling to think of what to say. Eventually he said,
"You could have transported inside."
"I… I thought that might be rude," said Loki slowly, and he looked faintly embarrassed. "Teleporting into someone's secret base is… such a faux pas. Especially considering the message I was just a part of."
"Ah," said Thor, nodding thoughtfully. Silence fell between them, tense and awkward. Since Thor had started attending therapy, he had gone over and over the moment when he and Loki would be together with Doctor Langer and had worked tirelessly on what he wanted to say and what would be constructive. Yet now, he was completely blank on what to say. He wanted to tell Loki what he knew, what he felt, but seeing Loki so obviously changed made him pause.
Loki for his part kept looking around expectantly, and finally he said,
"I was expecting you to stride out here with your friends, weapons in hand."
"They are inside, waiting for me, and why would we need weapons?" asked Thor with a frown. Loki shrugged,
"You never seemed to need a reason to bring them before."
"Well… that was before."
"Yes… I suppose it was."
In unison they both looked down at Loki's hip, as if imagining Mjölnir hanging from his belt. They lifted their eyes at the same time and Thor gave him a weak smile, which Loki returned with an even more uncomfortable one.
"So…" Loki started but he trailed off, a furrow forming between his dark brows. Then he let out a breathy laugh, "This is much harder than I imagined it would be."
Thor nodded, clenching his hands in his pockets. Finally Loki said,
"I'm glad you're well Thor. I mean, I knew you would be, you always find a way to strive wherever you are."
Thor nodded again, bursting to speak but afraid to open his mouth. Loki's smile faded and he looked nervous now. He pulled his hands from his pockets and started rubbing at his palm with his thumb.
"Well. I… I wanted to come here before but I just… I…"
Thor could not bear it anymore. He stepped forward and embraced his brother, not as he might once have done, looming large and crushing him by the shoulders, but with care and under Loki's arms so they weren't pinned. Loki stiffened and Thor quickly moved to pull away, but then Loki wrapped his arms around Thor and pulled him back.
"Brother…" gasped Thor, his voice trembling.
"… brother," sighed Loki, relief in every letter. Thor inhaled the familiar scent of Loki's hair and felt something inside him unclench.
"We have to talk," he said softly. Loki nodded, his chin brushing Thor's shoulder and they broke apart. "Come, there is a nice bakery not far from here, we can sit and talk."
Loki's eyes widened slightly as if surprised, but did not object as they started walking down the street.
As the Avengers watched Thor and Loki walk away on the screen, Tony Stark looked around,
"Are we just gonna let the king of an alien world walk off with his bro for tea and crumpets?"
"You got a better idea?" asked Fury, arching an eyebrow at him.
"… that's so not my job."
Fury grunted, then turned to Hill.
"Put Thor's phone bug on speaker. I don't want to miss a moment of this."
The bakery was warm and smelled of sugar, cinnamon and chocolate, with wafts of coffee drifting by with every order. Loki sat at a table in the corner, watching as his brother ordered and paid for several items. Thor looked much as he always had, on the surface at least. Still tall, still golden. Yet he was leaner than Loki remembered, and he wondered if it was a lack of exercise or power that had changed Thor's shape. He was still one of the largest people in the room… if you discounted the massive overweight man and woman in the middle of the bakery.
Really, how could anyone reach those sort of proportions if they weren't Volstagg? And he was as much muscle as fat.
"Here," said Thor, distracting Loki from his bewildered staring as he set a tray on the table. "I wasn't sure what you would favour so I got a few options. They're all sweet, I know you prefer that."
Loki helped him move the plates off the tray and then the two cups of foamy coffee. As he inhaled the smell of the coffee, he wondered when he had last had it. It must have been a century or so ago, in the Ottoman Empire.
"I ordered you a mocha, it's a coffee drink mixed with chocolate, it is also very sweet."
Loki's lips twitched in amusement at Thor's tone, and Thor must have noticed, because he added,
"Sweet things are still the best way to go with you, yes?"
"Oh indeed," Loki nodded, picking up the cup and sipping it. It was indeed sweet and comforting. "Thank you."
Thor nodded and sipped at his own cup, then toyed with a small cake as he sat hunched up. Loki picked one up for himself and bit into it, tasting fresh lemon. When he swallowed he set down the cake and said,
"So… here we are."
"Yes. Here we are."
"Apparently at a loss for words which is not something I think anyone on Asgard has ever seen of us."
That made Thor chuckle and he sat back.
"I have gone over this moment in my head a thousand times and all my plans have fled."
"Ah. Well… it's nice that you planned it," said Loki sincerely. To know that Thor had been thinking about him was a comfort he had not realised he wanted. Thor smiled at him,
"I planned much about our reunion. Some of it ill, most of it hopeful."
"I assume by ill you mean punching me in the face for one reason or another."
"The idea has been tempting at times. Usually in my low moments when I sought to blame you for everything because it was easier than blaming myself."
Loki sighed and sipped from his coffee.
"In truth, I have felt those times as well. Especially when I wanted to take off my helm and slam it on your big head so you could deal with the minutiae of kingship."
Thor gave a twisted grin,
"Being king is not as you imagined it?"
"It's exactly how I imagined it, which is why I never, ever wanted it," said Loki firmly. Thor raised an eyebrow,
"Never?"
Loki huffed,
"Oh fine, I did at times want the power and prestige that it offered, the respect and ability to make a difference it could give me. But I never really wanted to sit on the throne. I just wanted… I just wanted to be heard."
"To be my equal?" asked Thor quietly. Loki jerked and met his brother's clear blue gaze.
"Ah… yes. My letter."
"Your letter." Thor reached into a pocket in his jeans and pulled out what could only be that very letter. Loki eyed the tattered looking thing and wrinkled his nose,
"You haven't been carrying it around since I sent it have you?"
"No. I grabbed it before heading to headquarters, but that doesn't mean I haven't read it so often I know it by heart." Thor unfolded the letter and glanced down at the words Loki had written five years ago. "You said you wanted to be my equal. At the time I thought I had always seen you as such. Yet, I have been reflecting on my life a lot these past years, attending what is known as therapy, where you talk to someone about your feelings and they help you deal with them. Perhaps I didn't treat you as my equal as I should have, but know it never meant I did not love you Loki. Nor did it mean I did not recognise your abilities."
"They just weren't as impressive as yours," said Loki in a weary tone. He had expected that he and Thor would have to deal with the things they had left festering, but it didn't mean he wanted to.
"That… is not what I meant by it," said Thor in a calm voice and Loki stared at him in surprise. Thor gave him a small smile. "You had many unusual skills when we were growing up, and I was aware that you were smarter than me. I think I was jealous, so I tried to show I was just as good as you… and perhaps since my talents are more readily accepted in Asgard, it overshadowed you."
That was so close to what Loki had told Sigyn only two hours ago he was unable to think of a reply. What had become of his big brother? His shock must have shown on his face because Thor chuckled and shrugged,
"I suppose my sessions with the doctor are working."
Loki nodded, pushing his fingers through his hair and regarding Thor with some fascination. Thor shoved a large piece of cake into his mouth and chewed obnoxiously. Loki snorted, there he was! Thor swallowed and said,
"I didn't ask before, because I thought you would tell me if necessary but… how are mother and father?"
"Mother's well, she, ah, suffered a nasty spinal injury just under four years ago and it required a lot of Eir's skills to recover her mobility –but she's fine now!" he hastened to add when Thor half rose from his chair in alarm. "She's fine, hale and strong as ever and… and missing you."
Thor sank back down in his seat, paler now.
"Did the Bifröst do that?"
Loki hesitated. How much did he really want to say at this first meeting? Finally he settled for,
"Not exactly, but it happened around the same time."
Thor nodded encouragingly, but Loki found it hard to say more. He just could not admit to Thor that he had faced a rebellion in his first year. That part of him that had always wanted Thor to be proud of him was desperate to keep him from knowing. The rest of him was resigned to the fact that it would eventually come up.
Thor sighed again,
"Do I have to ask to be told what happened to cause the Bifröst to be destroyed and Mjölnir to leave me in favour of you?"
"It's not… I was going to tell you, but I…" Loki dragged his fingers through his hair again, despite knowing that it would only make his hair frizzy and show Thor how nervous he was. "Look, I know you want answers and I do want to give them, but it is a lot to tell and quite frankly it wasn't much fun going through it once. So… just give me a minute."
The problem was that the whole truth involved his involvement in Thor's banishment, his own parentage, his marriage, his sons, his failures and his vengeance. Loki had no desire to see Thor's anger with him when he explained his marriage to Sigyn, or the horror of his sons' conception and birth and he definitely did not want Thor to know they were not related by blood.
Thor looked frustrated, and finally he growled,
"Is your hesitation to do with your secret marriage to Sigyn?"
Shock cut through Loki so hard he jumped to his feet to run away and only just managed to catch himself. He sank back down onto the seat with his mouth hanging open.
"H… how… how do you know?"
Thor fixed him with his most imperious look,
"You first."
Damn him.
Loki let out a steadying breath and curled his hands around the coffee cup as if it might give him some support.
"Where to start? Alright, I suppose it all started when I was dying from magical overload and had to be put in stasis –no!" he added when Thor opened his mouth, "I'm starting there or we'll be here forever going backwards. I was dying and had to be put in stasis, so Asgard had no king. While Eir, mother, Queen Aetril and Kvasir were trying to save my life, Sverrir was trying to keep the realm running without anyone knowing what had happened. I had removed the Lenðr Madr from their posts –no Thor, shut up and let me talk! –and things were rather difficult.
"What I know is that Tyr decided he should be king instead of me, so he went home to raise an army to take the capital. At the same time Hoder, who it turns out was a sleeper agent sent by Malekith –I said shut up! –stole special orbs I had been using to store excess seiðr to stay alive and used them to blow up the Bifröst. The blast damaged the city quite badly and the shattered glass shredded Queen Aetril's wings so she was put out of commission.
"With Tyr and others marching on Idavoll, in desperation to save me and hopefully save Asgard, Kvasir stabbed me through the chest with Gungnir and kicked me into subspace to try and purge myself of the problem. While I was doing that, Gullveig, the witch we all thought was dead, came along and set Fenrir the wolf free from his chains so he could fulfil his supposed destiny of eating Odin. Also Hel sent Jörmungandr to try and stop that.
"After a meeting with a Dís and the Norns I was able to return to Asgard back to my normal self. I switched Gullveig and Odin so she was eaten instead, I fought Tyr in one on one combat and would have lost if Mjölnir had not turned up and managed to put down the rebellion. Mother's injury was caused by Jörmungandr's thrashing tail and I had to take Fenrir's collar from him and put it on Odin to undo the terrible magic it had wrought which has weakened Odin considerably, so I guess to answer your earlier question, Odin is still asleep."
Loki looked up to find Thor staring at him with an open mouth. He shrugged,
"Well, that was how my first year ended. How about yours?"
Thor was torn between hugging Loki and strangling him. That dismissive tone he finished the story with was so infuriatingly typical of Loki.
"My year ended with pieces of the Bifröst descending from the sky and Mjölnir abandoning me and I had no idea why any of that happened!"
"Well now you know, Asgard is fine, we lost some people, but it's fine now. I… I fixed it."
Thor groaned, because that was also so typical of Loki. Trying desperately to avoid the point of the argument by saying it was all dealt with now. He scrubbed at his face, trying to focus on his calm.
"Fine, but that doesn't change how I feel about it."
"Well I couldn't do anything about it!" snapped Loki. "I had no way of reaching you."
"But you could reach Vanaheim?"
"No! I couldn't reach anyone! Asgard has spent the last four years cut off from everything! I knew no more about what happening on this realm than Vanaheim, Muspelheim or Jötunheim." Loki's hands were clenched into white knuckled fists. "I was stuck at home unable to go and help-"
Loki cut himself off and seemed to force his hands to relax. Thor watched the way his expression twitched at the edges and realised Loki was trying to get his emotions in check. He was used to Loki's iron self-control, but he recognised this expression from many talks. He cursed his own lack of observance.
"What happened to Vanaheim that led to Sigyn being Queen?" he asked. He saw the way Loki's eyes flashed and knew he had guessed well what Loki had just stopped himself saying.
"No, it's your turn. Tell me how you figured it out?"
Thor sighed and folded his hands in his lap, to keep them from doing something stupid.
"I was depressed after losing Mjölnir, and I went to a friend's home to seek advice. Steve is a man out of his time and he is a warrior. He did not think much of me at the time, but he is a good man and we talked. It was the first time I admitted exactly what had led me to be banished. Steve was… appalled and looking back I don't blame him. What I did was disgraceful."
Loki's dark eyebrows shot up his high forehead, but he did not say anything. Thor sighed and continued,
"Anyway, I noticed he had an old collection of memories from his previous life, and to keep the peace I asked if I could look at it. I turned the page… and there you both were, with Steve."
Loki frowned in confusion.
"What are you talking about?"
"It was an old article about you and Sigyn winning a dance contest, Steve gave you the prize, and it-"
"We'd married earlier that day," said Loki softly and a soft, dreamy glaze passed over his eyes for a moment. Any anger that the memory had dredged up in Thor slipped away.
"Yes, so Steve recalled."
"That was a human's lifetime ago, how is this Steve still alive?"
"He was frozen in ice and was only revived just before I arrived."
"… of course, why not?" snorted Loki, sitting back in the chair. "So you know. And yet you haven't tried to kill me for 'taking what's yours'."
"I wanted to at the time, but on reflection… not for the reason you think."
Loki smirked and gestured casually for him to go on, clearly trying to look unperturbed. Thor licked his lips and said quietly,
"I was angry, and I did blame it on you… stealing the woman I assumed I would marry. But my talks with the doctor have forced me to look deeper. In truth, I did not care that you had picked Sigyn, I was angry that you had done this thing, something that was so important, without telling me. You never tell me anything Loki, never."
"Not everything is about you Thor," said Loki, staring into what was left of his coffee.
"I know that!" snarled Thor, slamming his fist onto the table and making people jump and look around. He gave a quick smile around at the curious eyes then looked at his brother who was staring at him sullenly. He looked more like the boy Thor remembered from so long ago. Huffing, Thor said in a calmer voice,
"I am not trying to imply that this is about me. Only that I wish that you had trusted me."
"Why would I?" asked Loki irritably.
"Because I'm your brother!"
"So what? Would that have stopped you from telling everyone you knew about it? You can't keep a secret to save your life!"
Thor clenched his fist, then forced himself to point an accusing finger at Loki,
"Name me one time, just one time in our lives as adult men, that I betrayed a secret of yours."
Loki's eyes narrowed furiously,
"I can name a hundred! You told father I'd taken a book out of the restricted section even when I begged you not to."
"I said when we were adults!"
"But you started so young, like a prodigy," sneered Loki.
"We were both spoiled boys, and then you-" Thor cut himself off because talking about Loki's missing years was not going to end well. "Children are foolish, and we both did much to each other at that age, but I still loved you and you still came to me when you had nightmares. I never told anyone about those, did I?"
"… not that I ever heard."
"Because I didn't tell anyone," said Thor firmly. "So there is no reason for you to treat me with the kind of suspicion you do."
"You would have blabbed to someone! You would have decided you knew better, that we shouldn't be together, or I was stealing your woman, or even get the bright idea that everything would be better if it was out in the open."
"Wouldn't it have been?" asked Thor. "You two could have been openly wed centuries ago, and I would have supported it."
"Would you really?" asked Loki, eyes boring into him. "Think hard Thor. You would really have been accepting of not getting what you wanted? What you felt you deserved?"
"I never wanted Sigyn!" snapped Thor and when Loki simply raise his eyebrows in disbelief, he grumbled, "All right, fine, I did! But not the way you do."
"That," said Loki coldly, "Is obvious. How do you think it was for me listening to you and your cronies talk about the woman I love like she was a piece of meat –comparing her breasts and talking about what you'd like to do to her."
"Loki if I'd had any idea how you felt-"
"You'd never have let me hear what you said. But you still would have talked about it."
Thor dragged his fingers through his hair, and burst out,
"Why do you always pick a fight when I try to have a serious conversation with you?"
"You haven't had a serious conversation in your life," said Loki.
"No? All those talks with father about kingship-"
"And how quickly did you spit the face of all those lectures in one day?"
They glared at each other. A part of Thor was tempted to just give up on the topic, but that was not in his nature, especially not when he had worked so hard to get his head on straight about this.
"I won't fight you Loki," he said. "But I will have my say, and like you demanded my silence as you spoke, I will demand the same in turn."
Loki's scowl deepened, but he nodded.
"Fine! Just say what you so dearly need to say!"
Loki was so angry with himself. Why was it that no matter how much he had changed and grown since he had become king, just ten minutes with Thor made him feel like a sullen youth all over again? He just could not stop himself spitting his anger at Thor the way he had always wanted. How was it fair that after so long wishing and cajoling Thor to try and be the kind of man who deserved to be king, five years with mortals had instilled in him some form of patience?
Thor took a deep, slow breath and then he said,
"I don't know what I did to you that made you stop trusting me. All I know is that I hated that it happened. I hated how you, mother and father had secrets from me, you all cut me out and I did not know what to do. So I turned to my friends for the connection I was not getting from my family. Was I too close to them? I don't know, perhaps I was a bit free with them and forwent some of the distance a prince should have with his subjects, but the fact is if I had not had them I would have been alone. I certainly did not have you."
Loki opened his mouth to give a furious retort, but Thor cut across him.
"You had your turn, this is mine. My memory of our childhood is one where we were very close, because we were the only ones of our status but when you disappeared and came home, nothing was the same. You, mother and father knew what had happened, and I didn't. I couldn't help, I just had to watch you waste away and mother hide her tears and father stay locked up in his study more than ever. I watched my family fall apart and I didn't know why! And every attempt I made to help was rebuffed. You wouldn't look me in the eye, and our parents would only say to leave you be and spend time with my friends. So I did."
"Oh what a hard time you had!" sneered Loki, and this was far too much. He would not talk about something so old and buried –why Thor thought he had a right to was beyond him! "For once you had to deal with not being the focus of everyone's attention. Considering your precious friends can't go a few days without your glory to bask is, I suppose it's no wonder you preferred them!"
"It wasn't about preference!" snarled Thor, and his large hands were shaking against the table. "I wanted to help, but I didn't even know what was wrong. You didn't trust me."
"Of course I didn't!" Loki hissed. He could feel his face reddening with anger and panic. "The second you knew what had happened you'd have told everyone and I'd have been laughed out of Asgard."
"No I wouldn't! I would never have done anything to hurt you so badly –and I don't understand why you would think I would."
"You wouldn't have cared once you knew, you'd have been ashamed of me!"
"Why would I-"
"Because father was!" Loki burst out, "Because mother was. Because I was! And if we were all ashamed of it, why would you not be? Why wouldn't you decide I wasn't worthy of being your brother once you knew, and once you thought that, you wouldn't care who knew –tell everyone the disgraceful tale!"
People were staring now, and Loki needed to move. He stood up and walked out without looking back. He could hear Thor behind him, but he kept walking because if he stopped he would have to admit something he had avoided for centuries.
"Loki! Stop. I won't let you run from this," called Thor and he grabbed Loki's arm, swinging him around and gripping his shoulder, "Enough! Loki, I don't care what happened to you except that it hurt you. I don't want to know so I can go and get revenge, I just want you to tell me so I can get my brother back!"
"You can't!" Loki's voice was barely more than a rasp. He was looking at the ground, feeling small and ashamed. "That stupid boy… he didn't come back."
"Loki, just say it," begged Thor, clutching him like his life depended on it. "Please tell me."
Loki closed his eyes and lowered his head even more.
"I… I was raped. By a woman. For five years."
It was as if the whole world had gone silent. Loki's whole body was tense and ready to snap at the first motion of Thor's rejection. Because it would come. It had to come.
"Tell me she is dead," said Thor quietly. Loki nodded, looking at the ground. Then Thor's arms wrapped around him and held him close. "Then all I care about is if you're well."
…what?
"What are you talking about? That –that's not –you don't mean that!" Loki shoved Thor backwards, which was remarkably easy. Thor really was a mortal man.
"Of course I do Loki! What else would I want?"
"Don't lie to me!" snarled Loki. "You don't mean it! You'd hate me for being so pathetic to-"
"The only one who hates you for it is you," said Thor and it was such a horribly accurate statement that Loki wanted to scream. Instead he grabbed the front of Thor's shirt and pulled him so they were nose to nose.
"Where has all this thoughtfulness and compassion come from, hm? Because you and I both know that you'd never have said anything like this back then!"
"Perhaps, perhaps not, you never gave me a chance to prove either way-"
"Do you think your words exist in a vacuum? Do you think I'd forgotten how you'd bragged about all the women you had bedded, and how a man is no man until he's gotten his cock wet by a mewling quim? You and your friends talking about how being reluctant or nervous was pathetic, that men always want sex-"
"We were boys!"
"So was I when Angrboda forced herself on me!" Loki jabbed his finger into Thor's chest and was bitterly gratified when Thor winced in pain. "You've never understood how much words can affect people! You never appreciated that what you say might have consequences that cause pain to others. What you said mattered, to me, to others, and you can claim all you want that you'd have understood, but nothing you said or did implied anything of the kind."
Thor looked anguish and frustrated and Loki was satisfied to see it. Let Thor have a taste of what Loki felt all that time ago.
"You're right," said Thor and once again Loki was startled. "You're right Loki, I did say things that were foolish, and stupid. And I regret that I made you feel like you could not confide in me. Because I really did want to help, can you at least believe that?"
Loki swallowed against a tight, dry throat, but he nodded. He had known even then that Thor had wanted to help, but actually trusting that desire to not backfire had been too much after it seemed Frigga and Odin had dismissed him. Thor's hand came up and rested on his neck, a gesture that felt more comforting than anything else about Thor had so far. Their brows bumped and Loki leaned into his big brother's hold.
"I won't make you tell me the whole tale, but I will ask you this. Did you have children with that woman?"
Where was Thor getting this information? It could not have come from a single picture! Loki wanted to wrench himself away and demand to know, because Thor knowing so much was akin to being flayed open. Loki felt exposed, he had been exposed over and over again since he had become king, all his secrets pulled into the light. Yet he found himself nodding against Thor's brow.
"Three. Jörmungandr, Hel and Fenrir."
Thor pulled away looking perplexed,
"You named them after...?"
Loki stared at him, he could almost see the pieces falling into place for Thor as his eyes widened.
"No… they actually are the… but how? They are not… they are…" Thor trailed off, clearly afraid to say the wrong thing. Loki gave a weak grin,
"They're not wholly Aesir, and their mother was extremely magical, interested in experimentation. It steeped the children and affected them. Jörmungandr can look Aesir, or he can be a serpent. Fenrir the same as a wolf and Hel… well Hel's the result of a temporal causality loop."
Thor scowled at him,
"You know I don't know what that means."
"It means she existed at the beginning of the universe, which led it to being the way it is, which led to my birth, so I could sire her so she could exist."
"… that makes no sense," said Thor flatly, "However, I trust you're correct. So… my niece is the queen of the dead? And my nephews are great beasts?"
"Hel is still queen, but the boys… no. Part of my deal with the Norns was that I would go and stop Gullveig from bringing about Ragnarok, but only if the boys were returned to me, as they were when I lost them. So Jörmungandr is only 8, though he still looks about 5, while Fenrir is nearly 4, but still appears to be a new born. They both can change their shape, but they aren't lost in them now. I finally get to be a father to them."
Thor nodded sombrely, his eyes searching Loki's face. Loki held his gaze, daring Thor to say something against his boys, but then Thor beamed and clapped his hands on Loki's shoulders, giving him a little shake.
"And I am an uncle! I cannot wait to meet them." His smile dipped to something less confident, "I will get to meet them, won't I?"
For some reason Loki had never really thought about this. Then again, his fixation on Sigyn and the boys meant that he pretty much ignored anyone else who might want to be a part of the boys' lives. Still, Thor's eager delight about them was too endearing.
"Of course, they'll be excited to meet you. Well, Jörmungandr will be, Fenrir will probably just suck his own fist."
"And Hel?"
"Ah… Hel is not really able to leave her realm for long, the rest of the realms hurt her, and she had to promise not to interfere in the affairs of Yggdrasil, so she may not be as easy to meet."
"Well, one day then," said Thor, smiling so broadly Loki could probably have counted all his teeth. The sounds of the world filtered back to him, and he realised they had been having this awful, painful conversation on a busy street. He looked around, and realised no one was paying them much attention. That felt strange. Thor nudged him,
"Come, I think we could do with some ice cream."
"What flavours have they got?"
"Nothing like home, but some decent alternatives."
Thor's head was spinning as he and Loki picked their ice cream. He got tiramisu and Loki chose lemon sorbet.
"Lemons are sour," said Thor in confusion.
"But mixed with sugar it's delicious. Besides, I had this in the Ottoman Empire years ago, and while we have some fruits that are similar, I could never find something quite the same."
Thor nodded, trying to accept this little revelation without negative emotions. The fact that Loki was admitting that he had been here before was significant. As much as Thor wanted to ask about other things, he decided to keep the conversation relatively light.
"How often did you come here?"
"Every century or so by their standards," said Loki, half sculpting his sorbet in its paper cup with the tiny plastic spoon. "Of course, they change so fast that we were always trying to catch up."
"They move fast even for me while I live among them. Did you know they choose their leader in this country every four years? What leader gets anything done in four years?"
"Ah, so their democracy is still going strong?" Loki sounded amused. "I was not sure it would last out the war that was going on last time I was here, when I met your friend."
"That is called the Second World War today, and some of the things I have learned of it have disturbed me greatly," said Thor, thinking of what he had learned about the Holocaust. He did not think he had ever seen such suffering. Then he had talked with Steve and gained a different perspective. "I have pondered if we have been any better when it comes to the Jötnar."
Loki stiffened and turned acid green eyes to him, the expression somewhat mollified by the tiny pink spoon he was sucking on. Thor cleared his throat, feeling highly uncomfortable, almost ashamed as he said,
"I think about the state of Jötunheim as I saw it that day, and I wonder, if father had never taken the Casket would it be so… dilapidated? Would maybe there be a real peace between our two worlds because Jötunheim would not be so broken while Asgard towers so high?"
The pink spoon slipped from Loki's mouth and he prodded Thor's chest with it,
"Alright, that's it! What exactly has happened to you that you suddenly know so much and think so deeply? Tell me right now!"
Thor paused, considering how to explain, then said,
"Come, we're near a park, we can sit and talk there."
"All right, but you're not avoiding this topic Thor!"
It was on Thor's lips to snap 'look who's talking!' but that would have been counterproductive. He swallowed down his irritation and they walked to the park enjoying their ice-cream. They sat on the grass near a waterfall and Loki fixed Thor with his sharp eyes again.
"Explain. Now."
Thor sucked in a deep breath and told Loki what he and SHIELD had found. Loki listened without a flicker of emotion as Thor confessed what he had done.
"So, you pried into my private life with Sigyn," he stated, digging his pink spoon into his knee.
"I did," said Thor quietly.
"I never saw those videos, they were Sigyn's proof. Proof that we existed because we could not leave any marks or gifts with her, in case someone noticed. She had them locked safely away, and you stole them."
Thor swallowed and looked at his lap,
"I have no excuse. I can only say that I don't regret it."
"Really now?"
"Yes, because I realised how much I had missed in your life, and how much you had hidden from me. It was like I got to know you all over again and I saw… I saw so much of the things I remembered but thought were gone. The happy brother I missed so much was still there, and Sigyn brought him out. That's why I'm not sorry. I got to see that you could be happy."
Loki's face flushed with colour high in his cheeks. He looked torn between rage and something much more painful. Finally he croaked,
"She saved me. I freed myself from Angrboda's grip, to save my children, but Sigyn's the one who saved me." His hand tightened around his spoon and it splintered into pink dust, "And I couldn't save her!"
Thor leaned forward,
"Tell me what happened that led to Sigyn being queen."
Loki took a deep breath, then started to talk. It all came out in a rush, and not always in the right order, but Thor did not interrupt Loki. He listened with horror to the descriptions of Malekith's crimes, the devastation of Vanaheim, and then with awe as Loki described how Sigyn had beaten him.
"I could ask for no one better to be my sister in law," he said when Loki fell quiet. Loki snorted loudly,
"Yes well, you might have to ask because Sigyn wants nothing to do with me."
"What?" Thor stared at him in disbelief.
"She's decided it was loving me that led to Malekith's invasion, she thinks if she had been more focused on her duties than on me, none of it would have happened."
Thor shook his head,
"But that makes no sense. It was her parents' job to keep Vanaheim safe."
"I know, but she's not willing to hear it. If she can blame herself, it makes her feel some sort of control –otherwise everyone and everything she lost happened because of random events that turned her into a pawn." Loki heaved a deep sigh and swiped at his knee to remove the pink dust. "I've been trying to give her time and show her I still love and support her, but frankly I don't know what is best –and it's frustrating because she knew how to reach me."
"Hmmm…" Thor rubbed at his chin, staring out at the perfectly kept grass. "It sounds to me like Sigyn could do with the benefit of a therapist, like I did."
"A mind healer? I can already guess how Sigyn would react."
"She would think she doesn't need one?"
"She would not dare be so personal with anyone anymore. She would be afraid it would be used against her. She might want someone to talk to, she used to try and convince me to see one just after Angrboda, but she would never trust someone with that knowledge."
"But surely the therapists on Vanaheim would have the same vows of silence that they take on Earth?"
"Yes, but it's an honour system, if they broke it the punishment would come too late. Even if you could find a mind healer on Vanaheim now, and for all we know they're all dead, Sigyn's fear of betrayal would be too much."
"Well, what if I found her one here?"
Loki raised his eyebrows,
"You'd do that?"
"Of course! Sigyn's my friend, and she looked after you when I failed. I would be happy to help her," said Thor sincerely. Loki's expression went slack, then reformed into something much softer.
"Thank you."
Thor smiled and reached out, resting his hand on the back of Loki's neck. Loki pressed into the hold and returned the smile. Then he sighed again,
"Sigyn wouldn't trust a human any more than a Vanir. She won't trust anyone. I doubt she even trusts her own council. Her two confidants are dead, she has no friends or family, she's completely isolated and she's convinced herself that's how she must stay to be a good queen."
"What of you? I cannot believe she does not still love you in some way."
Loki was quiet, tucked a loose lock of hair behind his ear, then spoke in a low voice,
"I know that she still loves me, I saw that part of her when Lj… when there was a mishap with Sigyn's magic. But I'm afraid that it's been so damaged by what's been done to her, that even if we were to marry for an alliance she would never let herself be with me the way we were before. It would be showing weakness."
Thor frowned,
"But even father had his council, and his old friends and mother to rely on. No monarch can last alone, especially in bad times. When does she relax?"
"She doesn't," sighed Loki, rubbing at his forehead in frustration. "I don't know what to do!"
Thor sighed,
"I wish I could help, I have seen how good you two are together, it would be a terrible shame if that was all gone."
"No argument from me," Loki muttered, looking around at the park. "We came here after we got married. It was horrible! Filthy, unkempt, awful."
"Yes Steve has told me much the same. He was delighted by how the people of the city transformed it into such a beautiful place."
"Idavoll could use more spaces like this," said Loki thoughtfully. "It would be nice to have more green among the gold."
Thor's stomach did a funny flip and he could not repress his frown.
"Have you… made many changes to the city?" he asked as calmly and curiously as he could. Loki shrugged,
"Sort of. I might have broken the Hólmgangustadr when I fell from subspace."
"Broken the –you mean during Tyr's rebellion?"
"Oh no that was the second time I ended up there, the first time I went to see Fenrir and he bit my arm off –I grew it back!" Loki added defensively when he saw Thor's expression. "I just built my own Casket of Primal Fire in the process –look, I needed to rebuild the Hólmgangustadr afterwards so I did, and I renamed it Thorstaðr because the people asked me to."
"Really?"
"Mm, I also built a new library, but most of the work has been repair work after the Bifröst destruction. The damage was extensive."
"What happened to Tyr?" asked Thor quietly. He had always liked Tyr, he was Sif's favourite uncle. Yet if Loki had stopped his rebellion, it would not have ended well for Tyr.
"I put him on trial for treason. We had fought, one on one for the right to rule, and I'd have lost if Mjölnir had not appeared. I wanted to kill him there and then, I had Mjölnir raised to strike… but I could hear Jörmungandr calling me. It was the first time I'd heard his voice in a thousand years, and I could not kill someone in front of him. He saw me kill his mother to escape her and I lost him because of it. I could not risk it again. So I brought Tyr to trial. I found him guilty and executed him by crushing him under the rubble of the city he had invaded."
A long silence fell. Thor felt faintly sick. Loki glared at him as if daring him to criticise his actions, but Thor would never do so. For whatever he had learned on Midgard, he was still a prince of Asgard and as much as he had liked Tyr, the man had committed treason and tried to kill Loki. He deserved his fate.
"What else could you have done with a traitor?" he asked in a low rumble. Loki's eyes widened, and his shoulder's relaxed slightly. "What of the others? Did you execute many?"
"Only Tyr, the others I more or less enthralled, they will work off their crimes."
Thor frowned but nodded. Loki lifted his chin defiantly,
"You disapprove."
"No. They gave oaths that they broke. They deserve their punishment," said Thor honestly, even though his warrior instincts chafed at the idea of such humiliation. "It sounds like you've had quite a time of it."
Loki let out a bark of laughter that was completely mirthless.
"That is an understatement. But it does sound like you've been busy too."
Thor shrugged,
"I was sent here to learn to be a better man, I have no idea what that actually means, but I thought exploring this world and seeing it through your eyes might help me."
"How?"
Thor shrugged,
"You and I are very different men, there's no point pretending otherwise, and you were always pestering me about being more attentive to my duties. You were always the better prince."
"Not to our people," sighed Loki.
"Well, I think perhaps that I might appeal to their ideals, you actually cared about their well-being on a… more mundane level. The level nobles don't have to worry about."
"Thanks," muttered Loki.
"I mean it Loki, I've seen so many places here where people are really suffering and I've realised that true kingship is about making sure people like that are protected. It isn't about being glorified, it's about taking care of the people. That's why Odin is the AllFather. He is a father, and a father cares for his children, raises them up to be strong and thriving, not so they can sing his praises."
Loki stared at him, then smacked him upside the head.
"Really? All it took was five years among humans for you to realise what Odin and I and every one on Asgard has been trying to teach you since you were a boy?"
"No!" snapped Thor, grabbing his brother's arm and shaking it. "It took losing all of you to realise how much I had taken for granted."
Loki pulled his arm free, made a circle with his fingers like he wanted to strangle Thor, then threw himself backwards to lie on the grass.
"Ugh! I'm too glad it's sunk in to be angry."
Thor grunted, rolling his eyes at him. They were quiet for a while again, until Thor said quietly,
"So what now?"
"Hmm?"
"I said, what now? Can I come home?" The words were tentative, hopeful and scared at the same time. Loki did not reply for a moment, then he sat up and folded his legs.
"Thor, I want you home. I do. I'm not sure where we'd stand with the succession, who would be king or anything like that but… I want you home."
"So?" asked Thor hopefully. Loki groaned and dragged his hands over his face,
"Look, the spell that was used to make you mortal is still in effect and I'm not sure how to undo it. I haven't been able to come here and examine you, but I believe that Mjölnir held the key. When she was taken by the Norns to save my life, it left the spell without a key and… and I have no idea how to undo it."
"But even if I'm mortal, surely I can come home!"
"Perhaps, no human has ever gone to Asgard, so I don't know how safe it would be for you. Moreover… it's not just you Thor. What about your friends?"
"What about them?"
"Thor, they committed treason! They went against my orders, and abandoned their posts to join you, an exiled prince. No matter what way you look at it, they broke the law and their oaths!"
"But… they said Heimdall told them to go."
"So? I had given them a direct command to stay in Asgard, and they just left. They valued their friendship with you more than their loyalty to Asgard and that cannot be overlooked. If they come back I will have to put them on trial and quite honestly I won't feel that cut up about it."
"They're our friends!" cried Thor in horror.
"They are your friends. I have my own friends, thank you, and mine stood at my side when Tyr rebelled. I wouldn't have survived my kingship this long without them," said Loki bitingly.
"But still, we've been through so much together, how can you turn your back on-"
"They turned their backs on me!" snarled Loki. "They couldn't stomach even one week with me as their king and took the first chance they could to desert me."
"They thought you'd let the Frost Giants into the Vault!" Thor argued, though he had never actually believed the accusation.
"So what if I did!" shouted Loki, throwing his hands out. "The only reason I did it is because you weren't ready to be king. You would have sent us to war for your own glory within a month! I had to protect Asgard from your brainless rule!"
There was a moment where Thor's brain seemed to have stopped working, a rushing sound in his ears, while Loki's eyes widened as he realised what he had said.
Then Thor let out a roar and lunged at him with his fists flying.