Oh, guys, I'm sorry for not updating, but now I'm done with the exams - which went quite well, tehehe -, so I promise I'll be on time from now on.

Oh, and this chapter is a little weird, I know, but I liked writing it like this, I've had this idea from a status or so. Don't judge, heh. ~xx snuff.

Undisclosed Desires

Chapter 25

-FPOV-

It was dawn. The light beat down in relentless waves. Smeared make-up, wake of bliss.

As I watched her still features, I played a semi-mental scene in my head. That was me, losing grasp of reality by running in corners of my mind.

Haley, hush, baby, speak softly.

Tell me I'll be sorry because I yelled at you then, let me get closer and push me away. Let me get near you and let me try to touch you, so you can scream at me not to. Start crying and try to run in my arms so I can push you off me.

Yell, break, hit and run out of the room so I can follow you like the lost puppy I am and as the gentle mistress that you are.

I'm nothing without you, I'm so lost, take me. Tell me how ugly I am, but how you'll always love me.

Then shove me, yell and bite your nails in my flesh, imprint yourself on my skin, carve your name into my arm with the sharpness your nails hold back. Stab me with the burning desire your eyes show, bite me with the hatred that only a lover maintains.

Tell me our love is crazy, fight me off when I agree, spank my cheek because I laugh, let me take you there, on the coffee table, where we will be sitting, mornings in a row, smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee.

Scream my name and stir as you always do and then read through my silent shepherd look how much I love you. Smile gently, as you always do, and bury your right cheek in my forearm, a gesture that I find as adorable as arousing it can be, even though I will never be able to tell you that because of the sickness that I have/am.

I have always thought that I'd never find someone whose demons play well with mine, and I guess I – well, here you are, looking so serene, so untouched, that my hands feel dirty and murderous.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to show you all the despiteful parts of myself, but the truth, Haley, under all my mocking and laughs and winks and kisses, is that I'm scared you'll leave me.

I am a lonely, cold being by nature and I apologize for pulling all these unnecessary string between us. Trust is a new form for me.

I'm sorry for coming back and not forgetting our late night sex, smoking cigarettes. I tried really hard but I could not forget and I – I knew you wanted me. Even though at the beginning, I guess I was just looking for the fun.

I knew you were better off without me but I still turned to you, collapsing at your feet and you sounded so grateful to have me back that my insides tore, bit by bit.

I don't know if what we have is love or madness, the semi-mentality of the one who clings desperately to anyone that crosses the path, loving him/her in the image of the other.

I don't know if I'm in love with you because I don't know what love is supposed to feel like, but I tend to believe that this is as close to love that I'll ever get.

I want to thank you for the warmth you proceed to give me, for when we lay there, panting violently, damp hair tangled at the back of our necks and foreheads, for when I hold close your trembling body and I kiss your smile.

You must know, I learnt selfishness from my mother and father and galvanized myself with it.

You, just like me, actually, we, we were both crumpled, trampled, ill-treated, but despite all of those, we found our ways to show each other that we are still worth the same. I know my worth is fable, but I feel warm enough that you decided it deserves your loving. You kissed the life back in me slowly.

Also, I want, I have to admit that at the very beginning I had thought that whatever carnal instinct we had stepped into, there was no way of stopping it.

I guess my so called statement was what you have the habit of saying 'the half-lit truth'. I got the impossibility of stopping it right, but I underestimated the instinct with the frugal carnality that I was used to.

I had been labelled, just like my passed father, "Finnick Odair, the beautiful specimen who cannot love." I believed it, I lived with that tag, I accepted my so called fate, but you pulled me out of it, you gave me yourself.

I've never been perfect, but I promise, I can be beautiful like you, too. Don't leave me. I know always sound cold, I know I mock you and pain you, I know I lie, I know, but don't leave me, because... I am fragile.

Finnick Odair is fragile.

I watched with wonder her stretch in my arms and hid my smile in her hair. I somehow promised myself that at some point I would tell her the previous silent speech.

"You ok?" she asked next to my jaw.

"Yeah."

"You're fluffy." she giggled and snuggled closer into me.

"Fluffy? Well that sounds manly." I laughed and pushed her into me, throwing the covers around us.

I know it's short, but I have a long one prepared, pinky promise. I hope this is acceptable, at least. ~xx snuff.