Chapter 25: Subtle but obvious
Some might find it slightly creepy seeing how I'm leaning against her doorframe, watching her sleep.
Lately throughout the day, the moments I actually get to see her, her face is scrunched up and full of worry. She does a pretty good job at hiding her distress and misery with her stunning appearance, but just as in the past she can try to cover up as much as she likes, she can't fool me. As if it's written on her face, full sentences of which some are more descriptive than others. The torment and turmoil are projected on every piece of her smooth unpainted skin.
Yes. Unpainted. You heard me right.
Her body used to be her canvas. Spoiled with fluent lines and designs defining her inner self, or so I'd like to think. But now those familiar ink patterns are nowhere to be found. There are still some faded dots and parts of what used to be tattooed on her skin but the tribal, the woman, the flames and the roses are all part of her rich and mysterious history now. How I wish I could lift her shirt to search for the saltshaker or pull down her pants to run my hand over that magnificent red flower on her thigh. If they're still there… Maybe they also decided to play a part in whatever went on the past two years.
After last night I'm hesitant of how to approach the situation. I'm still standing my ground and don't have any intention to leave her to herself. Even if it's just to make sure that she stops relaying on alcohol to deal with her issues. She might believe that I didn't notice the way her words slurred on the phone or the smell that came off her as she walked past me to grab her bag from the hotel room.
She used to have the tendency to turn to such poison whenever she needed relieve, but it never got quite this bad. She was always so controlled, she knew what she was doing. But lately, she's lost. She might not see it herself, so she continues to ban certain thoughts or experiences to the background, hoping that something in the universe is able to resolve whatever is eating her from the inside.
And eating it is. Slowly. Inch by inch.
I might not have seen it from the start, but I know that every time I left her I noticed how the weight on my shoulders became heavier. As if her touch and expressions piled up rocks on my back. The first time I felt the pressing weight was when I exited the diner. Then when I left her to sort out the boxes she just picked up from my apartment. Or the times I waved her goodbye at VAA. All leading to that inevitable scene, the way my back gave up under the building pressure when I lost her touch in that brief embrace, that one night…the bar.
So now, every time I see her I'm more observant. Looking for signs. Wanting to know that she hasn't given up just yet. Because although I don't dare to speak it out loud, her giving up would be the weight pushing me to the ground. It's my biggest fear. Losing her to the demons clouding her brain…I just can't. Cause Alex is…home. She's my companion, the one I need by my side to lead the way. Loving Alex comes with such easiness, such passion and devotion.
I still believe that the second we met she casted a spell on me.
Knowing all previous things makes me that much more embarrassed of what I did. I tried to unsee it, tried to deny her by filling her place with another kind of love. But it wasn't the same. I wrenched her out of my heart as gently as I could hoping to minimise the number of shards. What a fool I was, convincing myself over and over that I was doing the right thing, that missing her was just a part of some fucked-up process.
She expressed it so well. "You fucking idiot!" Because I was.
I observe her figure once more. She hasn't moved an inch on the mattress. Her steady breathing spreads a warmth inside of me that I haven't felt in a long while. Cause ever since she left it's like I lost my reason for living.
The essence of my being was ripped from my life. I forgot how to be alive. The only thing I could was feel, hoping to somehow recreate her warming touch. Mimicking the way she kissed me or told me how much she loved me.
Her near presence makes me yearn for all such things. I crave her tender and loving touch delivered by her hands, her hips, her lips and cheeks…I want to kiss the soft spot under her ear or reexplore the ticklish region on her stomach. A soft chuckle escapes through my lips thinking about how I could have all those things if I just dare to lay myself next to her.
But I know I can't. Because Alex needs me to be here for her, not for myself. Just as in the past, she needs to lead the way. Cause she's the one who suffered the most, she's the one with the literal scars, the anxiety and the probably more horrifying nightmares.
Oh Alex. What have they done to you.
….
She might think I didn't hear the creaking door, floorboards or her hitching breath as she leans against the entrance of my now open bedroom door.
I give myself another couple of minutes to relax knowing that she's in proximity. I'm afraid that if I roll over or let my consciousness known that she'll walk out. Whether because she doesn't want to stay or wants to give me space, it doesn't really matter. I just need her for a second longer, hoping that she heard my earlier pleas, because if she leaves… Let's just say that I'm not ready for her to go no matter how hard I screamed at her earlier to do just that.
I hear her shuffling on her feet. Scared that she might walk out I decide to make my presence known.
"I've never known someone this eager to watch me sleep. Not for more than a few minutes at least." I mumble with my face still half pushed into the cushion. I reposition myself. Now that I'm leaning against the headboard I can take in her whole body in front of me, still leaning. I feel a slight smile appearing on my face.
"Well, they didn't invent a story about sleeping beauty for nothing." Piper uncrosses her arms and puts her hands in the back pockets of her jeans. She smiles warmly.
"What time is it?" My voice is still raspy, just as it always is after I slept.
"Just after seven. You slept through the whole night."
If I didn't know any better, I'd think she appears to be proud that I managed to catch some sleep after the horrible night I had only a day ago.
"I guess I really tired myself out." I yawn and put my hand in front of my mouth.
"Well, something must have gone right seeing as you look a hell of a lot better."
I chuckle. The honesty suits her. Not that she used to be dishonest, but she was way more reserved on telling the truth.
"Thank you." It's not in response to her statement.
She breathes in heavily. It's only now that I see her trembling lip and a lone tear slipping from the corner of her eye. Piper is quick to catch it before it falls completely. "You're welcome." She whispers.
My heart races as I stare into her eyes from afar. I don't know where this is going. I don't know where this places us. True to her unspoken promise, she stayed and didn't leave me to myself. Even after my repeated demands. I'm well aware that due to her current vulnerable state I hold the power to push her away, maybe even for good. Who knows. What I do know is that it would be a stupid thing to do. I don't fear her love or think that the connection we have disappeared along with myself. No, that's not it at all. I'm scared because I know that letting her in will bring me to a place where I must give myself to her. All my fears, insecurities and raw emotions will be placed in her tender hands. I know she'll come to a point where she'll offer me the chance to give it all and I'm scared that I won't be able to handle it.
Even though all those thoughts are crossing my mind it's not enough to turn my back on the wonderful person that's standing in front of me. On instinct I place my hand on the cushion on my left. A silent invite for her to take the place that used to be hers for years.
She's hesitant and takes a small step forward. I push the blankets down, so she can lay down on the mattress whenever she's ready. Whenever she trusts me enough to know that I won't call her out on her wrongdoings or ask her to leave. She takes small steps towards the bed and eventually lays down beside me. She throws the covers over her body. We're now sharing the same blanket, protecting each other from everything that's out there.
We lay in silence, listening to our synchronised breaths. It all feels too familiar so soon enough I reach out and lay my palm on her cheek. Piper closes her eyes and lays her own hand on top of mine. She gently strokes the soft skin of my hand. Slowly she opens her eyes and intertwines her fingers with mine. She leads the way and our joined hands come dangerously close to her sweet lips. She looks into my eyes as if to ask permission. I nod and close my eyes. It doesn't take too long before I feel her lips caressing the same skin she stroked just a few seconds ago.
The intimate moment seems to last forever. The sex we used to have was always filled with lust and passion, fierce want and need. But that's nothing in comparison to the feeling we're sharing now, laying next to each other, for the first time feeling the sparks off our deep love and care for one another. Whatever happened, whatever what will happen to us, I know I will never share with anyone what I share with her.
She moves our hands in between us and moves her body so we're laying face to face. The closeness of our bodies makes my stomach flutter. I'm feeling like a fifteen-year-old, nervous to be kissed for the very first time.
For a second, I think she's going to kiss me but instead she turns around, her back facing my front and pulls herself against me. I'm rapid to respond and push her further into me. Although we're both wearing the same clothes from last night I feel her everywhere. Her strong thighs push into mine. My breasts are crushed against her back. My hand is draped across her abdomen and crawls up until her neck.
I feel myself drifting away, returning to a deep state of unconsciousness. I don't dare to slip before I have the chance to put my hand up her shirt. And so I do, I slide my hand across her collar bone under her shirt until it lands just above her bra. I sigh in a state of bliss as I feel the beating of her heart.
….
"You want some Chinese food?" Piper chuckles and grabs the stuffed boxes out of the fridge.
I finally walk out of the confines of my bedroom. I only woke up half an hour ago, or to be more accurate, Piper woke me up. She repeatably nudged my shoulder. As soon as I rolled onto my stomach and saw her sitting on the covers next to me I couldn't help but feel grateful. She stayed.
"I totally forgot about those."
It's two in the afternoon and my stomach still can't stop growling. That's why I followed Piper's lead and took a long shower to clean myself up. The feeling of fresh clothes was almost as good as the water droplets that previously fell on top of my head.
"Me too. Until the doorbell rang and I heard the guy threatening you to deny all of your future delivery requests."
"What?"
"Apparently it wasn't the first time he had to ring the bell countless of times before someone opened the door." Piper makes a slurping sound while trying to eat a noodle. I never understood how she could eat those cold. Finally she puts it all on a plate and places it in the microwave.
"I must thank you for saving my ass then." I smirk.
"I think you do." The look she throws me does things to me. Especially in a region located in the south, so to speak. I'm sure she didn't even intend to act seductive.
When the food is reheated, she makes two huge piles of food and brings them to the dining table. She hands me one of the plates. It doesn't take too long before the pile is reduced to a splatter of sauce and oil, the only traces of the noodles that were once there.
The whole meal we sit in silence. We sometimes catch one another stealing glances which are followed by polite exchanges of smiles. With anyone else I would feel kind of awkward but with her somehow it brings peace and inner calmness.
Once she's done I pile up her plate and put all our dishes in the sink. It's only then when I see the empty whisky glass beside the plates that I'm feeling proud that at least today I didn't start the day with a drink.
I turn around and walk right into Piper who's holding our drinking glasses. I catch her by the shoulders to prevent her from falling.
"Shit, sorry Pipes."
"It's okay." She smiles warmly.
My hands probably stay a moment too long on top of her shoulders. For some reason I can't seem to move them. My thumb rubs a smooth circle on the material of her black shirt. Well, technically it's my shirt. She's just borrowing it. I couldn't let her walk around in the one she wore yesterday and probably slept in since she stayed over. My stare is fixated on the same spot my hands are still on.
"You okay?"
I lift my head up. Piper is still holding the drinking glasses, her gaze fixated on my face.
"Yeah." I retract my hands and take a step to the side to let her through.
Somehow now the silence begins to weigh on me. I walk straight towards my CD collection and pick out one of my favorites. Soon enough Pictures of you blasts through the stereo.
"Still a big fan of The Cure I see." Piper is suddenly behind me.
"I never heard you complaining before." I tease.
The Cure has always been my go to band. Sometimes I played it on repeat all day or even all night. Piper used to whine wanting to hear other music, but I always stood my ground, wanting her to fall in love with the lyrics and tunes just as much as I did when I was younger.
Piper sways her hips and seems to go down memory lane. I'm too amused to join in. Watching her move and sing along is far more satisfying.
Our interaction almost makes me believe that we're in a club dancing the night away. But we aren't. We're in my apartment trying to hold on to whatever it is that brought us here. It's clear none of us is ready to leave this bubble of subtle comfort. Because it feels good. So unbelievably good. Sadly, it doesn't take away that I do realise that all of this is just make believe. As soon as she leaves I will be alone again, and she'll go on with whatever it is that she does.
She'll leave even though she stayed. She'll just confirm what I already know. And then I'll fall into a black pit filled with anxiety and horror. Again, and again. It won't be long before the nightmares will resurface. Last night was just a breath of fresh air, a moment to breathe. One that won't last forever although I try to hold on as long as I can. So, when it comes, and I jolt awake in the middle of the night all sweaty and disoriented I will be reminded of how she left. Again, and again. Because she will, she'll leave.
"There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more
Than to never feel the breaking apart
All my pictures of you"
Piper continues to sing. Since when does she know all the lyrics? She usually makes them up along the way.
"Alex stop." Piper takes a step towards me and lift her hands in my direction but doesn't touch me.
"What?" Her demand confuses me.
"I know what you're doing and I need you to stop."
I fidget with my hands. "I don't know what you mean."
"Yes, you do." Her hands land on my hips and she tries to move my body with hers. "Just be here with me."
I don't speak or move an inch as I try to look at anything but her. I don't want to get accustomed to her touch because that means that later, when she leaves, I must comfort myself by touching my body the same way she does right now. I don't want to be left craving her.
"Al." She whispers.
Finally, I dare to look directly at her. The warm smile she carries sweeps me off my feet. It almost makes me believe that she won't leave. So, I do the only thing I know to do, I close the gap between us and take her lead. She guides me. She holds me.
She lays her head in the crook of my neck. Every exhale touches my delicate skin. Instead of singing she now hums, the vibrations of her throat make me shiver.
Once again, I can't believe how good this feels.
….
Our reconnection eventually ended with a phone call from Nicky declaring that she was worried since neither Amber or me return her calls. She stated that she'll come over hoping that we're already back from Boston. I never told her we came back way sooner than expected.
"Nicky will be here soon."
"I know." Piper has a pair of shoes in her hand and her blue hoodie lays over her shoulder.
"So…" I don't continue my sentence because I don't know what to say. It's not like she has to leave, Nicky is also a friend of her. But I guess she doesn't want to stay seeing how she holds her belongings. I won't send her away. It's her call to make.
"Yeah." She says awkwardly. As if she can read my mind she makes the decision for the both of us and puts her shoes on and walks towards the front door.
"Are you gonna be okay?" Her hand is on the handle, but she doesn't open the door just yet.
"Yes." I nervously play with my glasses.
"You sure?"
Because I can stay. It's what I want her to say. But she doesn't. "Yeah, I'll be fine."
"Call me if you need anything."
I chuckle. "I'm a grown-up Piper. I can take care of myself."
She throws me that adorable annoyed look.
"But thanks anyway."
That answer seems to please her more than the previous one.
"You'll be going tomorrow right?"
"Tomorrow?"
"The appointment Alex."
Then it hits me. "Oh."
"You promised you would go."
It's this precise comment that makes me remember why I was so angry yesterday. Her endearment, her considerate actions are reduced to ash in a split second, all because of this. It makes me question the whole foundation of us. Us being two women who somehow reunited after such a turbulent passing of time.
But maybe all of that doesn't matter. Because what I realise is that if I say no, I'll never hear the end of how I refuse help. Maybe I need to give it a chance. For the fraction of us that is still left.
"Alex."
My silence probably serves as a confirmation to her.
"I'll go." I sound determined.
"You will?" She tries to come off not sounding too hopeful. She fails miserably. It warms my heart to see that she actually cares about my wellbeing. Or so I think.
"Yes."
"Thank you." She throws herself in my arms and squeezes me firmly.
"You don't have to thank me." I breathe in her smell, just in time before she lets go.
"I'll text you the address." She pushes the handle down on the door.
"Alright."
Piper steps into the hallway. "Bye Alex."
"Bye Pipes."
Once the door is closed I realise that I don't know whether she'll be there tomorrow. She probably assumes that after yesterday I don't want her there. That's why I pull out my phone, open our text history and begin to type.
[Alex]: Don't forget to give me my shirt back when you meet me at ten tomorrow.
It only takes one push on the send button to make something happen that can either break me or make me.
….
Once I leave Alex's apartment I get overwhelmed by an enormous amount of relieve.
Relieve because Alex let me stay. Alex and I danced. We shared a meal, a bed, the couch, one of our favorite songs…accompanied by a loving hug. But most of all, relieve because Alex took my help.
I still can't believe that she took the first step in the process to get better. My smile is so big and I'm sure that the happiness radiates off me.
Once I'm on my way back to my apartment my phone buzzes and when seeing Alex's name my cheerfulness flies out the window and get's replaced by pure angst. I surely hope that she didn't change her mind.
I open the text with a heavy heart.
"Omg!" The other passengers on the subway look at me with questioning looks. I surely don't give a single fuck. Not even one. After last night I didn't dare to dream it or even repeat my question. Seeing how Alex answered it without me asking gives me hope. She wants me to be there.
[Piper]: You wish. ;) See you at ten Al.
I send her the message followed by another one containing the details of the address.
When I pocket my phone the movement of my arm causes the shirt to give off Alex's smell. I lift the collar and put my nose under the material, inhaling a deep sniff.
It doesn't take me too long before I'm at my apartment, constantly distracted by her wonderful smell.
Ever since Liv left I thought I'd feel empty, but the opposite was true. My place being stuffed with my things only made it into a more balanced environment. The only thing that would add to it to make it feel like home, a place that welcomes me like no other place, is a certain tall, raven haired woman with bright green eyes who breathes sexiness. God, even though she's suffering from an immense trauma it doesn't change anything about how I perceive her, she's still the person I fell in love with all that time ago. But like I said before, her appearance is her camouflage. It used to be her way to stand out in the crowd, but I guess that now it's a way to fade into the background. Covering up all her emotions. But don't worry, it'll find its way out of her. Whether she shares it with me or Mr. Goodwin. One of us will succeed. We have to. She has to show her scars in order to heal.
Once I'm home I take off my shoes and make myself comfortable on the couch. Normally I would want to call Nicky to share my interaction with Alex. But guessing that she's with her right this second makes it not the right moment to do just so.
Instead I pick up the phone and dial Diane's number. She's the one who got me into contact with Mr. Goodwin in the first place.
"Hey darling, how are you doing?"
"Hi Diane, I'm good."
"That's lovely to hear dear."
"Actually, I think I'm more than good." Although she can't see my obvious joy, I'm certain she can hear it in my voice.
"I can tell. You're sounding cheerful. Care to elaborate?"
"You won't believe it, I certainly didn't at first."
My smile widens so much that my cheeks hurt. I'm so lost in my contentment that I forget to speak.
"Piper, I know I'm golden in figuring things out but I might need a hint here." Diane chuckles.
"It's a miracle. At first she was beyond angry but then this morning she did a complete turnover. She accepted my offer!" I accidentally squeal the last part which makes Diane laugh.
"As much as I'd like to share your enthusiasm I really can't because I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Oh, right, sorry." I chuckle. "She's going to the appointment with Mr. Goodwin!"
"Alex said yes?"
"She did."
"My god…Piper. I-I don't know what to say. Kid, thank you so much."
"You took the first step, which I'm very thankful for. You just left the hard part over to me." I say playfully.
"I knew you could do it. Alex and I have always had a good relationship but when it comes to these things she never wants to take my advice."
"I'm so glad she wants to go."
"Wants to go might be stretching it. But I'm glad she's going anyway."
"I'm still having some doubts if she'll actually show up."
"Look, Piper. We can hand her every existing tool but she's the one who has to have the will to change whatever she can in this situation. And as you know, Alex isn't one to willingly break a promise. Like it or not she's always had a good reason. Or at least a good enough reason."
"You're right." I tuck my leg under myself and lean against the arm of the couch.
"This reminds me of something I wanted to ask you Piper, have you thought about seeing a therapist yourself?"
"Not really no."
"I think it might be good for the two of you. Alex getting help is one thing but seeing that she isn't the only one suffering from this I think it'd be good for you to talk about your feelings."
"I must admit that after calling Mr. Goodwin I've thought about it but I wanted to wait how the appointment with Alex turned out."
"I really hope that she'll open up sooner rather than later."
"I hope so to."
"Well, Piper, if you want then let me know how it goes tomorrow. Robert just came home so I have to go. Thanks for calling."
"Say hi to Robert from me. I'll call you tomorrow. Have a great night."
"Bye kid."
….
"Chapman and your hot ass slept in the same bed?"
Nicky takes a seat opposite of me. Two empty pizza boxes and used napkins are splayed across the dining table. One of my favorite albums with classic rock songs is playing in the background.
"Yes, in the morning. She was hovering in my doorway."
"Blondie has some serious balls." Nicky chuckles and takes a sip from her homemade cocktail. It's a mystery to me how she can swallow the liquid. The smell is disgusting.
"I guess she does."
"You happy about it?"
"Not really, balls aren't my thing." I wink.
"Those lips of yours scream pussy-licker." Nicky winks back.
I laugh. "You dirty cunt. Been thinking about my lips haven't you."
"Damn right I have. I always miss hearing these filthy words coming out of your mouth."
We laugh in unison.
I've been contemplating the whole night if I should tell her about what will happen tomorrow at ten. At one hand I want to but on the other I don't want her to get her hopes up. Cause what will happen if I decide that therapy isn't for me. Only the thought of me going in an office to talk about my so-called feelings is ridiculous enough as it is. I don't need to talk about things to process them. Okay, I dare to admit that my own coping mechanisms like drinking and escaping aren't that effective, but you can't blame a person to fall back into old habits. Right?
"You okay there Vause?"
"Yeah, just thinking of some stuff."
Nicky finishes her drink and stands up to fill her glass with tap water. She's joining me in the heaven of sobriety. What a shame.
"Like what? How Blondies tits still fill up your hands perfectly."
"Oh god please stop." I pinch my nose.
"Why, it's not like it's a secret." Nicky licks her bottom lip and looks a tad too amused for my liking.
"I only said that after you pushed me to swallow six shots in a row, at my own housewarming for fucks sake."
"Chapman really wasn't happy about that."
I have to laugh and lean back in my chair, remembering how Piper was furious that she had to drag my drunk ass to bed after the party only begun. "I'm glad I wasn't sober enough to see the horrifying look on her parents face."
"Her mom…I forgot her name." Nicky puts her hand on her forehead, thinking of the right name.
"Carol."
"Yeah, Carol! You should have seen her. She was ready to leave." Nicky reaches in her jacket and takes out a pack. "You mind if I smoke?"
"Only if you share." I hold out my hand.
We lit our cigarettes and move over to the couch to sit more comfortably.
"Anyway, what is it you were thinking about earlier?" Nicky takes a long drag and blows out a big cloud.
"She wants me to go to therapy with her tomorrow."
Nicky's playfulness disappears as fast as her next blown out cloud. "You going?"
"I kinda promised it so I guess I have to."
"That's good, really good."
"Is it?"
Nicky turns to me. "It is, trust me. Just give it a chance, that's all you must do. "
I play with the rim of my glasses. I've never been to therapy before, sure I've been to the school counselor on more than one occasion during high school. There was always some kind of stupid shit I pulled. Can't say I was a rule-follower, not in the slightest. I sure do hope that this therapist will do more than sit back, relax and listen to people whining about their life. That's the last thing I need, someone to point out how pathetic I am or tell me that I just have to pull my shit together. If that's the case tomorrow than I'll be out of the door faster than the time it takes for Piper to grab my arm to make me stay.
"I will."
"So I was thinking Vause, are you ready to come back to VAA? I you even want to come back, I mean, I do understand that after the whole Boston thing you might not have the desire to work. I just have to know because there is this huge contract for that new mall they are building, and I wanted to know if I should hire someone new or if I can count on you."
I sigh heavily.
"Hey, don't worry, you still have some time to think about it." Nicky touches my arm.
"I don't know Nichols. If I'm being honest I don't know what I want. Which is scary for me to say seeing how I'm always the one who's in control."
"Maybe you should consider thinking that there's a difference between knowing what you want and knowing what you need."
"I'll let you know by the end of the week."
Nicky gulps down the rest of her water and stands up. "That's great stretch. I have to go, Lorna's shift ends in a few. Call me if you wanna talk about tomorrow."
I chuckle. Since when do we call about sentimental shit.
"You know what, judging by your reaction, I'll just call you anyway. I know how much you like to cry over the phone." Nicky blows me a kiss and opens the door real quick.
"You asshole!" I'm too late to hit her with the ice cube I took out of my own glass, so yelling has to do the trick.
When everything is cleaned and I lay in bed, the only thing I've left to do is hope and pray that after tomorrow Piper is done leaving. Even if I leave. Even if I stay. Because even though today may not be eligable to classify as straight up leaving, watching her go not knowing if she'll come back is too hard to handle. So I hope she stays. For me.
For us.
A/N
Hey guys, thanks for your support and patience last month. I just finished my exams two days ago and needed some time to catch up on sleep. But I'm back amongst the living now.
Hope that you liked this chapter. I'm not always sure if the pace of the story is to your liking but your reviews help me a lot to figure out if I should change anything/implement some elements so I'm really grateful for that. Although it might seem in this chapter that the storm passed they're nowhere near to where they want to be. So be prepared that not everything will be as pleasant and calm as it was this time around. But I think you and me, alongside our girls, needed some time to breathe.
Have a wonderful week :)