Phoebe
I'm so excited today because Nama Grace is coming to visit. It feels like forever since I've seen her and I'm excited to share the news with her that I want to ask Mom and Dad if they still want to adopt the baby. However, before she gets here I'm having a sit down with Mary to talk about it because Mary wants to make sure I'm making the right decision for me.
I understand that of course, at the end of the day when this baby comes and Mom and Dad sign the papers I can't change my mind afterwards and I will have to live with the knowledge that my parents are raising my child. But I don't think she can fathom how much I've thought long and hard about this and this is really what I want. I'm excited about my future and I'm excited at the thought that I get to bring my brother or sister into the world.
"Are you going to talk to your grandma about it?" Mary asks.
"Yes of course, I want to know how she would feel about her great grandchild recognising her as just a grandparent and I want to know how she think Mom and Dad will react when I ask them if the offer is still on the table." I explain, I think Grandma is the only person who could actually change my mind about this so I'm obviously going to bring it up with her.
"Have you thought about living with a constant reminder of what happened to you?" Mary asks and I chuckle, does she think I haven't considered that really? Especially with Emily having given birth a few days ago and as she's keeping the baby, that baby being here and having no choice but to face what it will be like seeing my own when it comes along.
"Mary, seriously? I'm going to be living with a constant memory, in here." I point to my head. "Do I worry about whether or not this baby will look like him? No. Do I worry that I'll have to live with this baby knowing that he is a part of it? No. That man will be nothing to this baby, DNA means squat in the big picture. I've thought about this and for me it's what I want, I want Mom and Dad to adopt the baby and I can be a part of it's life as a brother or a sister. It makes sense to me to go this way about it than give it to someone else where I won't be able to be a part of it's life in any way." I explain, I'm sick to death of talking about this now. I mean, it's my baby my decision right, she wasn't this pushy about making sure I was doing the right thing with a stranger adoption so why is she being so questionable about my decision to ask Mom and Dad, it's my body, my baby and therefore my choice.
"Ok." She puts her hands up in surrender. "I just want to make sure you're sure."
"I'm sure." I reply with emphasis and she smiles at me. "I mean it Mary, I'm sure… and anyway Mom and Dad could have changed their minds and could say no."
"And have you thought about what will happen if that happens?" Mary asks and I sigh, I have because I've had to but I've really tried not to think about them saying no.
"I've chosen a family from the files." I reply. "I'll call Louise first thing if they say no."
"Ok." Mary nods. "Go on, go see if your grandma is here." She says signalling the door with her head. I give her a smile and a curt nod before hurrying out, hoping to God she has arrived as I'm so excited to see her.
When I get to the open plan I see Adelaide in the kitchen, there's no sign of Nama Grace though and so I go over to the girl I've now become friends with.
"You looking forward to seeing your Grandma today then?" She asks as I help myself to some juice.
"I am." I smile. "I've really missed her, she's always round ours or us at hers so it's been really weird." I explain as Grandma and I have always been close.
When the doorbell rings I almost run to open it. I throw it open and dive into Grandma Grace's arms so happy to see her. She holds me tight in return even though she can't hold round me as she used to my ever growing bump in the way.
"My, my, my Phoebe Rose let me look at you." She says happily and I step back so she can see me. "Oh you're looking well sweetie." She says before I wrap my arm around her shoulders to pull her into the house.
Inside I see Adelaide has retreated so it's only the two of us in the open plan, I take Nama towards the kitchen where she can have a coffee and relax.
"So how are you?" Nama asks as I put a coffee on the breakfast bar for her.
"I'm doing well." I smile at her hopefully reassuring her that I really am ok.
"Good, I'm glad to hear that." Grandma smiles back.
"I'm glad you came today Nama because there's something I really want to talk to you about." I say as I take a seat beside her at the breakfast bar so I don't have to look at her while I tell her my news.
"Oh? Is that why you invited me all the way up here?" She teases and I nudge her with my shoulder making her chuckle. "I'd never have guessed."
"Well, I've made my decision about what I want to happen to the baby after it's born and well I guess I wanted your opinion on it before I went ahead." I explain nervously. Nama says nothing and just waits for me to proceed. "Well you know I told you Mom and Dad had offered to adopt it?" I say and I feel her stiffen beside me and wonder if maybe she won't think this as much of a good idea as me. "I want to ask them if that offer is still on the table." I say almost in a whisper, afraid she'll dash my hopes here.
"Oh Phoebe." She says turning my chair so I have no choice but to look at her, darn these spinning bar stools. "I think that is an amazing idea." She says looking into my eyes. I smile broadly and throw my arms around her feeling so much relief that she agrees with me. "I really do sweetie." She reassures but she doesn't need to, I heard her the first time that she thinks it's an amazing idea.
"I talked to Teddy about it, he thinks it's a good idea too." I say explaining that I have considered my brother in this.
"I'm glad you spoke to him about it and I'm really glad he's on board." She says softly. "Oh Phoebe, this is wonderful news. A new grandbaby!" She looks so excited and I beam at her, glad to have made her happy. "I would have found it hard to know there was a great-grandbaby out there in the world and not knowing who they were or where they were." She says and I give her leg a squeeze, I know it would have been hard for her and for everyone in the family, I would have been the only one having contact with the baby after it's birth if it would have been adopted privately.
"I haven't thought about asking them if they still want to yet." I say half laughing, I don't want them to dash her dreams if they've changed their mind.
"Oh I doubt that they'll have done that." She says and she sounds pretty confident which gives me hope.
"It's been weird but since I've decided that, I feel like I've been able to start bonding a little with the baby, not too much in case they say no… but to carry my brother or sister… it feels pretty cool." I explain to Grandma something I know none of the girls here will understand. We all have been dealing with our pregnancies differently. Sarah is like a proper Mom, she talks to the baby and everything. Adelaide calls her baby the monster and says she can't wait to get it out and get rid though I don't know how true that is. I've been guarded, trying not to get attached, trying not to love it because I didn't want to have to let go of something I loved. For ages I wouldn't even call it my baby because it wasn't mine, didn't feel like mine when I'd be giving it to someone else. Being able to consider it a brother or a sister thought… well that allows me to care about it and even love it a little more freely.
"It's pretty cool." She gives me a gentle smile and I beam, I'm just so happy she's here to share this with me.
She doesn't stay long, only an hour before I have to go Art Therapy with Meghan. I'm excited about today's session though because today Meghan is helping me put together my little idea for asking Mom and Dad if they still want to adopt the baby.
"Hello Phoebe." Meghan smiles when I enter the bright orange room. Meghan is a wonderful person. She has dark skin, and dark hair pulled back into a tight ponytail at the back of her head. She has the craziest bright blue eyes that sparkle when she talks. She's clearly passionate about her job and I always get that sense she's having fun when I work with her. She's brilliant too. I smile back and spot the items on the table realising she got everything I needed for my project. I sit beside her at the table and quickly get to work, I'm so excited about this crazy idea of mine.
"So Phoebe." She says as she works on cutting out one of the pictures I need for my project.
"So Meghan." I reply sarcastically making her laugh. I know I'm working on this project but this is art therapy and so I know what's coming.
"Have you thought at all about the handover of the baby?" She asks still cutting away at the picture. I look at the picture in my hand that I'm cutting at and it makes me smile, I have thought about it.
"I think I want it to be quite immediate." I reply gently. "I mean if Mom and Dad agree to adopt the baby, it's not like I won't get to hold the baby or see it ever again." I explain, that's the truth of it. I would like Mom and Dad to get their cuddles and have some bonding time immediately after the birth… that's not weird right?
"Ok, have you thought about what it will be like, after giving birth?" She continues, I guess what I'm saying isn't enough.
"Not really. But I haven't started the prepare for birth classes yet because I'm waiting till the decision has been made about the adoption." I explain, it was what was agreed between myself and Mary, that I wouldn't prepare for birth till we knew who was going to be there with me and who was adopting the baby so we could work around that.
"What do you think you'll want in those first few moments after having the baby?" She asks passing me the finished cut out.
"Umm… I don't know." I shrug. I hate these questions, like how am I really supposed to know what I'll want.
"Do you think you'll want to hold the baby?" She carries on, unfazed by my uncertainty.
"Maybe not straight away." I reply, I know some women hold their babies as soon as it comes out but that thought grosses me out a bit.
"But after?" She asks.
"Yeah, I mean we get three days don't we? To be with the baby?" That's the system here, if the baby is put up for adoption you get three days before the baby goes with it's new family.
"Yes, that's usually how it's done but as your adoption will be a private familial adoption if your Mom and Dad say yes that could be different, if you wanted it to be." Meghan explains and I turn to look at her, no one had mentioned that and I hadn't even thought about it. "You'll be able to sort that out with the preparing for birth stuff." She reassures and I nod. I mean, those three days are all you can really think about in regards to the baby, because after that in most cases they're gone but I know it won't be in my case, I will be going home to my baby hopefully.
"I guess, that what I'm thinking most about is my Mom." I reply with a smile looking down at the pictures ones again. "If she says yes, this baby will be her baby." I carry on having to share with Meghan how I feel now she's opened it up for discussion. "I keep thinking it will be special for me to get to see her have those first moments with the baby. Not many daughters ever get to see their parents become parents again… I'll get that."
"That's a very romanticised way of looking at it." Meghan says but she doesn't sound like she's chastising me or being critical of me.
"Isn't romanticising it better than thinking negatively?" I ask and Meghan nudges me and laughs softly. "Hey I'm just saying!"
"You're very mature Phoebe." She says giving me a warm smile. "And I'm not patronising you!" she says when I scowl at her. I laugh, if Meghan was closer to my age I'm sure we'd be friends.
"I just prefer to focus on the good parts. What's the point of dwelling on the handover, signing the adoption papers, the baby going home without me? It doesn't achieve anything."
"No but if you're thinking about those things it's good to talk about them."
"I'm not thinking about them." I reply shrugging.
"Avoiding them all together is not going to help either Phoebe, are they things you're worried or concerned about?" Meghan isn't dropping this one and I sigh and shake my head. They're not something I'm thinking about because I'm not worried.
"If my parents say yes… which I know at the moment is up in the air but lets just say for now they will. I am always going to know how my baby is, this baby will be my brother or sister. I'll see them every day till I go off to college. My parents have been amazing parents to my brother and I and I have no doubt they'll be even better parents to this baby. Handover? It won't be a goodbye it will be a see you in a few days, signing the papers? It's giving my parents an amazing gift and my baby a better one? Why do I get the feeling I'm wrong to be viewing this so positively?"
Meghan looks shocked that I've just kind of let rip but it needed to be done. Everyone here seems to think everything is negative at times and it drives me up the wall. I don't think they get that my Mom and Dad saying yes will be amazing and positive.
"It's not wrong to be positive Phoebe." She says gently. "We just want to make sure you really are feeling positive and are not masking your fears from us."
"Meghan, I'm really positive about this. I'm excited. I just hope they say yes because if they don't… well then I'm not going to be so positive and I'm going to need a lot of help and support but we'll figure that out IF they say no."