Slight Return
Part Twenty-Five
Remy was unable to think straight. Well in to the hours of Sunday morning, he couldn't rest, couldn't settle. He should have been sleeping like a rock. He'd had one of possibly the best sexual experiences he'd had in his life as far as he was aware (at least that he could remember)...he should have been feeling sated and happy.
Instead, he was irritated, anxious, worried. He kept getting up and pacing uneasily, trying to work out the nervous energy that kept presenting itself. What had been wrong with the experience with Rowan? It had been perfect...more than perfect. Absolutely fantastic. It had felt better than anything else had ever felt in his life. But he had to wonder, did it feel good because of how Rowan had felt against him, or because he was thinking of Rogue?
You know the answer to that, he thought unhappily as he moved to the dresser and went to see himself in the mirror hanging on the wall just above it. He looked like a man who had killed someone, who was guilty and deserving of punishment. He touched his neck, examining the bruise that had appeared fairly quickly upon his return home. Rowan's sucking and gently biting on his neck had brought it on.
"A hickey..." he laughed aloud, rubbing his neck a little, shaking his head at the thought of it. The last time he'd had one he'd probably been in his mid teens.
Suddenly, he couldn't laugh. It didn't quite seem so funny any more. The look on Rogue's face when he'd come home was so...stricken. So devastated. He hadn't been able to fathom at that moment how she'd somehow sensed he'd had sex with Rowan, that she'd known.
It wasn't until he had gotten to his room that he'd seen that his t-shirt was inside out. He'd always assumed Rogue knew he was probably having sex with Rowan, he'd let her take it for granted that he was.
His coming home with slightly mussed hair and an inside out t-shirt was proof enough that something had happened. And if not, he probably smelled like Rowan's perfume...and sex. Probably smelled like shame too. Shame had a particular scent, he decided, and it stank.
He ran his fingers through his messy hair, it was damp with sweat. Another hot unbelievably uncomfortable night. It was raining, but the rain wasn't keeping the heat down right now. All it seemed to be doing was making the heat wet and steamy. He'd always hated the cold Bayville weather but right now he couldn't wait for it.
Jesus...the look on Rogue's face, he thought in distress. She looked so fucking devastated...she didn't even look that hurt when I told her I didn't love her. Fuck...I should have just...not come home at all tonight...or...I don't know. Never have gone to Rowan's in the first place.
Yes, that probably might have solved the problem. To not chase Rowan, to let the relationship end there. He almost wanted to let it die now. He wasn't particularly confident there could be a future in a relationship that was going to have to rely on thinking of another person to get off.
He sat on the edge of his bed and cradled his head, he was getting a migraine from all this thinking.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Pete was right...I shouldn't have moved on so fast. Now I'm in deep shit. I like Rowan...a lot...I care about her...but I don't know if I can keep a relationship like that up if it's gonna take thinkin' about Rogue that way. I can't handle it. It's too hard thinkin' of Rogue then havin' to see Rowan in front of me...
It also occurred to him it wasn't right. It was wrong to think of someone he considered a friend and only a friend as a sexual object just to get his rocks off.
He rubbed his head. But that experience...God. He'd never felt so good. Not in his entire life. But it had all been fantasy. He could hardly remember much of how Rowan had looked, how her hair had felt in his hands, how her skin had felt. None of it was sticking with him.
What stuck with him? The fantasy. How Rogue's mouth had looked upon him, how her hands had felt on him, how it had felt to be inside her, not Rowan.
He groaned, these thoughts were getting distracting. He didn't want to provoke any reactions but the twinge below the waist told him if he continued it would begin to occur again. He couldn't let that happen.
Sighing, he stood up again and went back to the mirror, he leaned forward on the dresser and stared himself deep in the eyes. Can you see yourself settlin' with Rowan for real? Gettin' married? Havin' kids? A future? Is this worth workin' at tryin' to have a future with her?
It was hard to picture that. It was hard to picture anything past this night. It was hard to even picture a future at all.
He stared down to the floor, wondering if Rogue was awake or asleep. Was she mad at him? He'd seen her eyes look so moist, her face look so sad, he was certain he'd made her cry. It made him ache strangely in the chest to think of it.
This was pointless, he couldn't sleep. He couldn't focus on television. He needed some air and a cigarette. He pulled on his bathrobe, tied it securely and grabbed the pack of cigarettes and lighter from where he'd left them and headed for outside. He couldn't use the garage to smoke, the door opening would make too much noise, he'd have no cover from the rain. But there was a large parasol over a bistro table out near the pool, and he decided that was where he would smoke. He walked bare foot across the wet patio and settled in one of the dry seats under the large parasol and lit a cigarette, feeling a strange brief moment of solace as the smoke filled his lungs. He wished he could quit this but right now it seemed very unlikely he had the willpower when he didn't even have the willpower to stop doing stupid things.
"Can't sleep?" came a soft voice at his back.
Remy turned and looked over his shoulder, the silhouette at first he didn't recognise until the young woman came into the light. It was Wanda.
He winced and looked away, couldn't explain why his flesh strangely crawled every time she came within a ten foot radius of him. "What you think?" he muttered, he stared down to the pool, the heavy rain left pretty ripples in the water, the pool lights reflecting beautifully in it making it almost seem like a blue-green light show.
Wanda stepped forward, right in the middle of the rain, it pouring down over her. She sighed as if in relief, "so much cooler out here."
Guess she couldn't sleep either, he supposed. He couldn't fathom why her being so near left every muscle in his body tense and sore, left his blood running strangely cold like he'd just walked into a freezer. He'd never felt intense and utter dislike for anyone this way before and why it was towards this girl, he had no idea. It didn't make any sense. Momentarily, he thought to question her about it but he didn't want to dredge up any hard feelings that may have been lingering.
Remy watched the water, trying to be at peace with himself and trying to ignore as Wanda stood there getting wetter and wetter, her thin red nightgown starting to cling and show her body beneath.
Yes, Wanda was extremely beautiful and had a body to die for, but Remy didn't feel remotely like dying to be between her legs. In fact, the thought repulsed him and he couldn't explain that.
Wanda, dripping wet, came to sit on the bistro chair near the table just opposite him, he sighed and drew his eyes away, feeling frustrated and uneasy. "You seem a little upset," she admitted gently.
"I'm fine," he lied, he took a long drag from his cigarette and held it, keeping his eyes averted from Wanda. Why was his skin still crawling? His stomach tightened, he felt almost nauseous. Jesus, this felt horrible...it was that same almost panicked feeling he'd felt with Rowan that first time in her bedroom.
Wanda leaned over and placed her hand upon his left hand which had been laid out on the table near his cigarette packet, "I heard about your job, I'm sorry..."
Remy flinched and yanked his hand from beneath hers, the smoke in his lungs caught in his throat and he coughed, he tried to play it off that this had been the issue, that she hadn't put him ill at ease. He couldn't let her see the hand fate seemed damn intent on dealing him, he had to bluff it.
Don't let her see you're ill at ease, for fucks sake, he warned himself angrily.
"Are you okay?"
"Been tryin' to cut back," he lied, "sometimes cough a bit," he put the cigarette out, quite angry with himself now.
"Maybe it's time to quit, Remy," Wanda suggested, almost sounding concerned. That was quite unlike her, it left him feeling more uneasy than her touch had.
Remy got up, ran his hand through his rain soaked hair and grunted, "could be," was all he offered to this.
Wanda stared down to the table, looking almost awkward and shy. "Remy...now that we have a minute alone...can we talk?"
"No," he said, sounding abrupt, he reprimanded himself for sounding so short with her, he didn't need her assuming he was being unfair and certainly didn't need her complaining to the instructors about how he was rude and hostile towards her. "It's late, I'm exhausted. I've had a shitty day and I'm getting a headache," he confessed grumpily, he looked away, he tried to soften his voice, it just wouldn't happen. Not for her. "Goodnight," he said finally, and with this, he headed off to bed. A bad end to a rather bad day.
When Rogue awoke that Tuesday morning, she was in the room alone. Just as well, as she didn't have to explain why her eyes looked so puffy from crying all night. Kitty had been listening to an MP3 player last night, Rogue had heard the quiet drone of the music from the earphones. Rogue hoped Kitty hadn't heard her quiet sobs beneath the pillow.
She got out of bed and sighed, dropping down to the dressing table to look at herself. Rogue stared at her worn out looking reflection in the mirror; her eyes were incredibly puffy and bloodshot. She looked almost vampiric; it might have amused her to look like her favourite supernatural creature had she not been so upset about last night.
She picked a cotton ball from the jar on the dressing table, and loaded it with moisturiser and started rubbing it into her eyelids, the cream was cold and soothing against the hot and swollen skin.
A knock at her door disturbed her, and she sighed a response, "yeah?"
She'd expected it to be Logan, or Ororo, coming to see why she was still in bed at eleven am. She even expected it to be Hank to insist on her taking her medication. The person who was standing there at the open door reflected in the dressing table mirror was not whom she'd expected to see.
Wanda Maximoff stood there framed in the doorway wearing a pair of black jeans and a red t-shirt, her skin pale, her damp hair was so black that the girl reminded Rogue of Snow White. "Okay if I come in?" Wanda asked.
Rogue's heart sank, she didn't have the patience for this. She didn't even have her anti-anxiety medication in her system yet and she had to deal with this? She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, not turning to look at Wanda. She had to somehow deal with this maturely without freaking out. How? Every time the girl came near her such an immense hatred burned in her, and such anxiety and horror.
"Ah guess," Rogue managed after swallowing hard. Don't start a fight, the Professor, Logan, everyone will get on your damn back. Just stay calm. Don't let her see you get freaked out.
Wanda stepped into the room, looking oddly ill at ease, as if it were stepping into the enemy's stomping grounds. Rogue thought that almost appropriate really, considering last night.
Guess she's gonna go off at me about last night, guess she's gonna try and attack me. Ah should prepare myself...or maybe not. She tries to take me down, she'll have a hard time, Ah'm stronger, Ah'm faster, Ah'm more dangerous now...
Wanda stood in the middle of the room, hands clasped in front of her, her expression a little anxious, "Do you...by any chance have...maybe a dark pink or red eyeshadow? Something I could borrow?"
Rogue blinked. This wasn't what she'd expected. She turned slowly to look at Wanda, quite aware her eyes were probably white with thick cream. She stared at the girl, not an ounce of makeup and still stunning. Looking almost childlike in comparison of how mature and stunning she normally appeared. It was hard to think of Wanda as looking almost innocent, but right now, she was the epitome of how innocent should look. A black haired pale faced virgin princess in an adult's clothes.
"Ah..." Rogue began, trying to grasp the situation, she turned back to the dressing table, an anxious shaky breath escaped her lips, "Ah don't know...actually..." she confessed, "Ah...might..."
"That'd be...great," Wanda admitted, faltering. "I lost a lot of my makeup in the move. I had a little pot of powdered stuff...but I dropped it...it went everywhere...it was the only colour I had. I haven't gotten around to replacing a lot of stuff yet."
"Ah see," Rogue chewed the inside of her cheek, she began raking anxiously through the drawer where she kept her makeup, dark purples, blacks. Nothing dark pink...it just wasn't the kind of colour she wore in general.
Wanda invited herself to sit on the bed as Rogue searched. Rogue glanced up in the mirror to see the girl glancing around her room, "Your room is huge compared to mine," she admitted almost enviously.
Rogue hadn't thought to ask but she was almost certain that Wanda had been given Remy's old room, the box room on the first floor. It had been the only room left available in the home; no one was going to be willing to share with Wanda Maximoff, and at least if she was on the first floor, she could be kept an eye on more easily.
"My room is like a shoebox compared to this," Wanda admitted. "Not that I'm complaining," she added, "it's...much nicer than the damp bricks and cold cement floors in the warehouse."
Rogue stared down into the drawer, dragging her hand along pots and pats of eyeshadow, through rolls of lipstick and lipgloss, trying to find something suitable. Just let me find something so she'll leave, Rogue thought desperately. Ah can't deal with her in my room and Remy bein' with this girlfriend in that way. It's just all too much right now.
Anxiety levels rising, Rogue tried to concentrate, her fingers were trembling, she fought to hide it. She didn't say anything about the room situation, she had no comment to make about it.
"Listen..." Wanda sighed finally. As if she had been waiting for Rogue to say something first but had grown tired of being kept on tenterhooks. "About last night...in the Danger Room."
Here it comes, Ah knew it, Rogue thought, she sighed inwardly, she pretended to not be upset about this being brought up. She kept rifling, desperate to find what Wanda was looking for, lamenting that she might not have anything to use as a tactic to get rid of the girl.
Rogue didn't answer, Wanda continued regardless.
"I...know it was deliberate."
Stopping, Rogue closed her eyes and drew a nervous breath into her lungs, they felt tight, she was having trouble breathing. She had to get through this. She couldn't let Wanda see her freaking out again this month.
"I just wanted to say..." Wanda clicked her tongue against her teeth repeatedly for a moment, as if she was considering her words carefully, she bit into her lip, Rogue watched the girls expression changed, something conflicted and strangely defeated lay there. It was the strangest thing Rogue had seen in some time. "I get it...I completely understand."
Rogue turned a little, half looking over her shoulder so she could glance at the girl out of the corner of her eye. It was as if for a moment she didn't need to breathe, and an odd silence filled the room between them, time seemed to slow for just that few seconds. The air felt thick and tight around her. The feeling seemed to drag until Wanda continued after a moment of awkwardness..
Glancing towards the floor uneasily, Rogue listened, not sure how to respond to the girl.
"I did some...pretty horrible things when you were living at the warehouse..." Wanda went on, "things I...wish I hadn't."
Rogue wondered if that were true, if Wanda actually did feel guilty about those things or if this was just an act. Her voice, the way it trembled, it sounded almost genuine...but then Wanda was good at playing games. Rogue didn't know whether to trust it or not.
Turning back to the drawer, Rogue rifled again, finally she located something amongst the dozens of eyeshadows. A small palette, it had black, purple, red and orange...something Rogue felt might have been a last minute buy for a Halloween costume to a party she never made it to. It was odd to almost feel relieved about such a small thing as eyeshadow.
"Here," was all Rogue managed weakly, fighting her anxiety, fighting the need to start hyperventilating. She was holding her breath so it wouldn't escape in anxious gasps.
Wanda stood up and held out her hand as Rogue tossed it towards her. "Everyone says when you want to start fresh, this is where you come...and I want to start fresh. I want to get over all the stupid things I did..."
Rogue looked up at her, trying to meet her eye and finding it impossible somehow.
"We aren't that different, you know," Wanda admitted, sounding small and almost nervous, she passed the small eyeshadow palette from hand to hand, shifting from foot to foot as she did. "You've made some bad choices too...we all have at some stage. It's just...time to move on...get over it, you know?"
Is this an olive branch? Rogue thought with some kind of shock tightening every muscle in her body. Is she sayin' she forgives me for what Ah did to her last night in the Danger Room?
Wanda took one step forward, "You nearly killed me...I nearly killed you. Lets...just leave it at that, okay?"
"It ain't just about your nearly killin' me," Rogue finally blurted, her breath coming out in uneven spurts, she tried to hold onto herself, tried to think calmly and rationally. "It's not as simple as that."
Wanda looked away, wincing a little, her eyes looking almost misty, "I was in...a really fucked up situation..." she let out a little bit of a whine, "I had no control over anything...no matter how hard I tried..."
Rogue stood up slowly, the backs of her legs hurting immensely, the blisters stinging. She tried to find something to say but couldn't. Part of her wanted to be angry, remind her about what she had done to Remy. But she had to hold back, she couldn't say it. It was too horrible to say.
"I thought you'd get it," Wanda swallowed, her eyes seemed to be brimming now, she gave a shrug and tried to force a smile, it came out as weak and pitiful. "You've been in that dark place too...where everything just feels so fucking..." she swallowed hard as if she were forcing back a sob, "its as if everything is this black fucking hole trying to suck you in..."
Rogue hated that Wanda had nailed it. This was exactly how it had felt. Since the moment she'd left that machine and Remy had fallen into that coma...her life had been one giant black hole trying to collapse in on itself. A black hole that she was scared everyone else around her had started to fall in to too.
"You must know what it's like...doctors telling you that you have to take this medication, that medication, this other medication to combat the effects of the other, and it might make you feel almost all right...but you don't feel like yourself any more," Wanda continued.
Rogue wasn't sure that was true. The medication made her almost feel like herself again...but then, Wanda had been on some very strong potent serious stuff...Rogue felt her own medication seemed like jelly beans and skittles in comparison to the heavy things Wanda had been told to take.
"Sitting in a daze sometimes...not really in the mood to do much. People telling you what to do to pretend to be normal when all the time you just feel like why?" Wanda threw her arms out in frustration.
Rogue stared at her, "But you're fine now," she reminded.
"I'm still medicated," Wanda responded, "the machine didn't fix that part," she sighed, she raised a hand to her cheek and swiped a tear almost angrily with the flat of her palm. "I just...want to try and put everything behind me and start fresh, you know..." she sat down on the bed again, clutching the eyeshadow between her knees. "I'm sick of being that girl..."
"What girl?"
"The one people whisper about...throw dirty looks at..." Wanda drew her breath. "I was walking past the bedrooms upstairs the other day when I was made to do laundry duty and get some clothes...I heard Amara talking about how I was this...slut...this tramp who would fuck any guy who came in two yards of her..."
Not exactly untrue, Rogue thought with dark amusement. It made her feel momentarily calmer just to think of it for a moment.
"I've heard some of the boys talking about how it won't be long before one of them is the first guy here I'll screw...they're making bets on it. They think I'll take money for blow jobs...they whisper about it all the time."
Rogue blinked, she hadn't know this. She'd seen the others ignoring Wanda, when they socialised, it was vague, almost forced. They could be friendly, but Rogue realised it was only really when the instructors were in the room. If they weren't, Wanda sat alone, another ghost who no one really wanted nor knew how to interact with.
"And if it's not about the past things I've done with men...it's the crazy things I've done...how I'm a psycho...a sociopath. How I try to kill people and how I could murder any of them in my sleep if the mood takes me..." Wanda continued, sounding hurt and angry, more tears escaping.
Rogue almost understood that feeling.
"They knew about my suicide attempt last year...I don't know how it got out," Wanda sniffed, she wiped her cheek again, "maybe my brother said something to someone...maybe Lance let it slip, I don't know..."
And then the oddest thing happened, Rogue's heart suddenly began to slow, and almost began to ache. It reminded her of that moment when Wanda had been sobbing her heart out the day before her suicide attempt, how she had tried to ask for her father's affection and had been cast aside due to her bad behaviour. It was hard to have hatred for someone and pity them at the same time...and yet, Rogue had felt that. She'd felt it then and surprisingly felt it now too.
She pitied Wanda...and more than pity, she understood.
"I heard Amara talk about how I'm a pill popper...how I'm on all sorts of fucked up shit and I don't even know who I am half the time..."
"Amara talks a lot of shit in general," Rogue muttered, she stared down at Wanda, feeling more and more torn between wanting to dislike the girl, and being sympathetic.
"It's not just her...it's everyone. No one will give me the time of day. I'm surprised they even rushed to try and help me in the Danger Room last night. Surprised they just didn't let me get killed. Everyone just...gives me the dirty looks...they won't even talk to me...they just...look at me, like they're waiting..." Wanda shook her head.
Rogue spoke up, "like...they're waiting for you-"
"To fuck up..." they both said in unison and they looked at each other knowingly. Yes. They both knew exactly how this felt.
Rogue folded her arms, still feeling shaky and anxious, she looked down at the girl.
"I knew you'd get it," Wanda sniffled again, she rubbed at her tears roughly with her palm again.
"Ah've had it too," Rogue confessed with a sigh, "the knowin' looks, the whispers, the assumptions about when and how and why. Rumours flyin'..."
Wanda sighed deeply, shaking her head and looked down to the floor, "I didn't have a choice in any of this...it wasn't my fault."
"Ah know," Rogue finally said. "They told me."
Wanda raised her glassy intense blue eyes to Rogue, another tear truckling down her cheek, "they?" she asked weakly.
"The Professor...and Hank..."
"They told you what?" Wanda asked, swiping at her tears still.
"That there's maybe a reason for it. A link...that it could be our experiences with our psycho stuff are so similar because...it's...not some kind of psychosis...an illness, that...it's..." Rogue trailed off, not particularly sure she was qualified to word it right.
Wanda looked strangely startled, "w-what?"
"A side effect. A side effect that starts to go away when we're medicated."
"A side effect?!" Wanda gaped, "it can't be a side effect...I had those problems before this crap with the machine even started...before even he made the first machine..."
"Are you sure?" Rogue asked carefully.
"I'm sure...I'd remember," Wanda pointed out, she shook her head, "Wouldn't I?"
"Maybe..." Rogue shrugged, "Ah don't know..."
Wanda pursed her lips tightly. "I...need to call him..."
"Who?" Rogue blinked.
"Who?! Who do you think?! My father!" Wanda stood up slowly.
"Wait..." Rogue grabbed a hold of Wanda's shoulder quickly, "you can't go accusin' him, you know what he's like...he'll deny it anyway..."
Shit! Why did Ah tell her! Why did Ah think she'd have known somethin' about it? That she'd have been aware of bein' in one of those machines before?! What if he put her in when she was a baby? What if she doesn't remember? Fuck! What have Ah done?!
"What if he put me in one of those machines when I was too young to remember?" Wanda demanded, almost mirroring the thoughts Rogue had been reluctant to even have. Wanda's eyes spilled more tears. "Everything that's happened to me since I was a fucking kid...being institutionalised...being drugged!" she snapped.
"Wanda..." Rogue tried.
"Being held down and fucked by those fucking creep orderlies when I was twelve!" Wanda headed for the door, tugging her shoulder away from Rogue's hand.
"Wait!" Rogue chased after her and caught her by the waist, holding her in place; she was too powerful for Wanda to resist...she only hoped Wanda wouldn't drop her bare arms and brush them against her own bare hands.
"Let me go!" Wanda cried at her, "You don't get it—he's been lying to me! How could I have not seen it! I always knew he'd lied to me about some stuff, but I always thought that the powers had just been...natural evolution, not some kind of experiment!"
"You know he won't tell you the truth," Rogue spun her around and pushed her into the corner, pinning her there by putting her hand against her shoulder, "there's no point calling him, he won't tell you anything..."
"Then what should I do?" Wanda demanded in despair.
"It's like you said..." Rogue swallowed, "You came here to start fresh..."
"How?" Wanda asked, tears pouring down her cheeks, "How am I meant to start fresh with this hanging over my head?"
"Like Ah am. One day at a time," Rogue backed off slowly, releasing her. At least the girl seemed no longer intent on rushing off to find the nearest phone. "Just...wait..."
"I can't just...sit on this..."
She stared to the floor, trying to think clearly about the ramifications of this while Wanda tried to dry her face on the front of her t-shirt. "We'll...go to the Professor," Rogue finally suggested, "maybe he'll be able to clear it up?"
"No...I don't want him knowing about this..."
"He already knows," Rogue reminded.
"No...about the other stuff...about the things that happened...I don't want him knowing and I don't want him talking to my father about this..."
Rogue faltered, but finally agreed, "fine..."
Wanda sighed deeply, "god...here I am trying to change and already I'm ready to fly off the handles," she said weakly.
"Seriously, you're well within your right to if what we suspect is true," Rogue admitted, "but you have to wait...even if it is true...what is it going to change?"
"It won't change anything," Wanda decided, she sniffed back more tears, "but I want to hear it for myself. Maybe this is why I can't get past this...fucking stupid black hole..."
Rogue sighed, she had a horrible feeling the black hole that had been swallowing her own life was about to pull in a whole lot more. But at least for the moment she had something more to worry about than Remy and where he was putting his member.
At least that was something, wasn't it?
End of Part Twenty-Five
Dun dun dun! Who expected them to actually have a conversation after everything? Shocked? I know I was when I wrote it, but it seemed to work (for me at least). Is it even more shocking that Wanda forgives Rogue? Is it laughable that SHE'S forgiving Rogue considering past events? Who knows. Drama Angst grumble drama grumble Angst ;)
Thanks to everyone for the reviews, you're all awesome. Big shout out to Ekster who's been helping me with part 37 (yes, there's waaaaaaaay more to come, lol). Hope you all have a super weekend.
Oh, as for the review that mentioned the sequel to Derranged Marriage, I haven't given up on it, it's just on hiatus. Some day, it'll be uploaded (let me get through this story first, have a break and then hopefully I'll figure out where the story is going). Love you all