While he watches the trees go by in rapid succession from a car window, he pretends the goodbye wasn't anything big, doesn't tell anyone what Natsuki says.

When he gets home and Kate asks them how it went, Haru says it was sad but fun, and Yuki doesn't say anything, he climbs the stairs to his room and closes the door.

Then he spends two long hours of the night screaming in his head and playing the reel over and over to make sure he heard the words right, his thoughts are garbled, mangled excuses for words, he's at a loss for what to do, what to think, his heart beats over a hundred a minute, he thinks he might die. He's never felt like this.

However, one thing strikes him the next day, one thought that freezes him up. The fact that Natsuki- Natsuki doesn't know exactly what Yuki feels, and, and Yuki himself never got a moment to say it, because he ran off into security and he was so shocked he could barely breathe.

He still isn't exactly sure he can say it, but that doesn't matter right now, because he doesn't want to say it over the phone. He can't. He has to at least extend the same kind of bravery Natsuki did, though when he thinks of that he's still unsure, nervous, not anxious exactly, he's not drowning, but it's all, uncertainty that flutters around in him, maybe his feelings will change before Yuki gets to say anything. He has to wait a year, after all, and in a year so much can change, and even if he says it what will happen then? Natsuki leaving again, but, he closes his hand and forms a fist, but, he doesn't want to let it go, not without trying.

The lack of a call that weekend practically stuns him, hurts him like a missing call never has before. The next week is spent wondering why, and he realizes that Natsuki is always the one calling, was the one to start calling in the first place, and now he's told Yuki something stunning, and isn't sure of anything, and Yuki himself is sure that he wouldn't call either if he was in his shoes.

So he picks up his courage the best that he can, hesitates pressing the call button for another hour until the night sky is up and set. When he finally takes a deep breathe and presses, the wait scares him so much he's tempted to hang up at the second ring.

Then Natsuki says, "...Hello?" and Yuki is both relived and nervous. Very nervous, but he thinks of how Natsuki must feel even worse, with uncertainty swimming in his mind, and Yuki continues on, determined.

Everything is awkward, but unfolds, and the next week Natsuki calls him like normal, talks normally, laughs normally, and never brings up what happened at the airport. Doesn't comment on it, doesn't explain, and Yuki gets why and swallows questions. He doesn't want to break this careful communication, not right when Natsuki has left, maybe he'll ask when it's not as recent and when he's sure Natsuki won't bolt at its mention. At the moment he gets the feeling Natsuki will.

Instead he takes the time to notice how many things he's missed, the warmth in Natsuki's voice(directed at him and only him, and how it's always present) and the way he sometimes gets shy, the laugh and chuckle and snort, the soft goodbyes. He can't believe he never noticed, but now that he does it almost knocks him over, strikes him hard and sends his heart up his throat.

When the leaves have changed color and he has to begin applying for colleges, Kate suggests America and Yuki swears there's a sly sparkle in her eyes. Suggests that, since Natsuki is near a college, why doesn't Yuki go looking around that area, stay with Natsuki for a week to get a feel for it? Of course, she adds, only if Natsuki is all right with the idea, why doesn't he call to ask?

Yuki picks up the phone that exact night and calls him, asks nervously about it, worries that Natsuki will hang up or say no or worse, whatever worse could be.

"A-And my grandma suggested it, but I mean, if you don't want me to stay at your place it's okay-"

"It's fine! I'm- I- uhm- I don't mind." Yuki practically melts in relief. His chance is there, he'll see Natsuki again, maybe even say what he should say.

The date he goes is next year, and he fidgets all through winter.

[[almost there yuki, alllllmost there...]]