Disclaimer: Tragic, really.
Beeping. Dull, incessant, monotonous beeping.
That was the first thing she heard when she woke, eyelids heavy as she rasped through her breaths.
There was a sudden flurry of action then. A cacophony of voices, calling her name, calling others. More machines. She heard the scrape of their wheels against the ground, and her fingers twitched. Where was she? What had happened to her? Her mother's voice. Her father's. Both cooing in her ears, soothing yet shaky. Her mother was crying. Why was she crying?
Elsa puffed out a breath. The ice tickled her palms and thrummed steadily steadily through her body. It was restless, eager to get out.
A prick on the inside of her left arm, and suddenly she was drowning, darkness swarming her vision once more.
Wait, she pleaded. To who? To what? And why? Wait.
Her chest felt heavy, then, breaths growing labored. Her mother's panicked voice faded away, but Elsa couldn't muster enough strength to continue listening.
Tired. She was tired. Exhausted. More beeping. A sigh.
She would figure it out in the morning.
The next time Elsa awakened, it was to a room sheltered in frost and swirling with snow. The door had been barricaded with such thick ice that even Elsa had to strain to hear the muffled voices screaming through it. Elsa lay back against her bed and watched as her breath clouded before her, a sense of comfort washing over like waves kissed the shore.
Inevitable. Unstoppable. That was what she was.
When the ice receded, and the beeping finally stopped, her mother burst through the door. Her face had been flushed, her eyes anxious. Elsa's gaze followed her steadily, her mother's voice ringing through her ears.
Too loud.
Elsa's fingers had itched again, only distracted by the dull throbbing at the back of her head. Where was that coming from?
"I'm so glad you're finally awake," Her mother breathed out, cupping Elsa's cheeks with shaking fingers. She had batted off astounded nurses and dumbfounded doctors, cooing incessantly.
Elsa watched as the shivers rippled through them, and Elsa begun to feel less afraid, then. Less afraid of them. Less afraid of herself.
A drop in the hollow shell she dared called a body.
How long had she been asleep? How long had she been lying here? Elsa opened her mouth to speak, but only light breaths and incoherent gasps had escaped. Her throat felt raw with disuse. Her mouth felt dry and suddenly she was thirsty, so, so thirsty.
More hurried activity. More fussing doctors. More yelling nurses.
Stop. Elsa closed her eyes and let out a shuddering breath. Stop.
'10th March 2019,
Dear Anna,
My therapist had asked me to write letters. You, unsurprisingly, are the first person that came to mind when she told me to write down my thoughts, my feelings. I wonder if she has given me enough pages.
Anna, I miss you. Even now, unable to stand, unable to use my legs or speak to my parents, you are the first thought on my mind. Is that pathetic, Anna? That even after you told me that you didn't love me anymore, I still can't help but think of you. I miss you, Anna. I miss you as my lover, but even more as my best friend. I miss having someone to talk to. I miss listening to you ramble on and on about paint techniques, or the importance of the right brush. I miss having you beside me here. I wish you were here.
I'm trying to get better, but it's hard. There isn't a night where I don't dream of standing under that very tree. Your voice echoes in my head. Your face is always faded, blurred and distorted - slowly, but surely disappearing. Did you mean what you said, Anna? Was there not a part of you, even a small part, that still loved me?
Perhaps, this is for the better. But it still hurts. It still lingers, like the sadness that swarms my chest whenever I see a flash of red hair or catch a glimpse of freckles.
I wish there was something more I could do to make myself better. I suppose this will have to do for now.
Yours sincerely, Elsa.'
"How are you feeling today, Elsa?"
Elsa toyed absently with her gloves, fingers tracing over the careful stitching slowly, repeatedly. Her father had given them to her this morning - a safety precaution. He had looked afraid then. Afraid of what? Of who? Afraid that Elsa would hurt herself? Would hurt others? Her stomach clenched at the thought.
"Elsa, I know this is a very difficult process for you, but you haven't spoken to anybody since you've woken up."
Her hands trembled for a second. Elsa sucked in a deep, shuddering breath to ease her nerves. It's just a therapist, Elsa. A faceless woman with a name she can't be bothered to remember. Her fingers pressed into the muted gray leather of the armchair instead.
"You've been in a comatose state for 2 months, Elsa. Would you like to share your thoughts on that?"
More reminders of time lost, and time gained. Elsa's hand strayed to her hair, eyes closing briefly as she toyed with the shorter strands. Elsa wondered absently if Anna would like her shorter hair.
Elsa heard a soft sigh. "Would you like to write another letter, Elsa?"
Her eyes flickered upwards as she nodded. Her therapist smiled kindly, exposing the wrinkles around her eyes. Elsa wondered, as she sunk down before the thick sheets and assorted pens, if even she ever really knew what went on inside their own heads.
'15th March 2019,
Dear Anna,
My therapist seems to think that writing helps. I am beginning to think that writing helps, too.
Adjusting to life in the hospital is easy, yet disorientating. There is too much going around, and yet there isn't enough. There is so much sickness and disease, yet it is too clean, too white, too much. Too much, but not enough. Never enough.
Papa likes to take me on walks around the garden. Or rather, he likes to push me around in my wheelchair while he tells me stories of his childhood. He tells me of his life before meeting my mama, of his life with Mama and I. He tells me of my childhood, of memories I can't remember. The flowers have yet to bloom. They have yet to break through Winter's spell.
It's an easy distraction.
Papa does not look as old as he does when he talks to me like this. Papa had spent a lot of time fishing before he met Mama. He tells me of the late Summer mornings he spent with his own father, sitting on the end of the docks with handmade fishing rods and slimy worms for bait. He promises to bring me out to fish in Arendelle some time soon.
I hope coming back to Arendelle will not be too soon.
Yours sincerely, Elsa.'
Her mother had taken up the habit of brushing her hair in the morning.
Elsa stayed silent as shaking hands pushed her along. Her wheelchair did not dare squeak against immaculate white floors. Elsa felt sick to the stomach just looking at it.
Everything was too white, too clean. Still too much in such little time.
It had proved to be a good distraction - for both of them. Her mother had used the time to speak. Her mother spoke about her life before her father, about her life in Arendelle. Her mother gushed about their ancestors - the kings and the queens and the old myths. Elsa used the time to listen, eyes closed and feeling the soft bristles running through her hair in the same, slow pattern.
One. A breath, another sentence.
Two. Delicate fingers toying with delicate hair. Another breath.
Three. Another part of her story, another wistful laugh. Elsa listened and indulged her mother, knowing there would be nowhere else for her to go.
Not now, at least.
Not yet.
'20th March 2019
Dear Anna,
Physical therapy is hard. I still cannot stand on my own two feet without the help of my crutches. I still haven't spoken a word to my parents. I didn't think getting a bullet removed from my head could do this much to me, but apparently it did. My Mama thought I had died, at one point. Maybe I did.
Baymax helps quite a bit. He's a rather large, white robot - kind of like a fluffy marshmallow, I suppose. He works tirelessly and is ever patient, even when I am five seconds away from cursing like a sailor in pain. I'm glad that I don't have to be afraid of freezing him.
My therapist worries. She is concerned over the fact that I am only writing to you, that I am giving my words to no one else. But who else am I to write to? I am tired of being angry with my mother, with my father. I am tired of trying to find things to be angry about - but I will never tire of you, Anna. It seems I'll never run out of words to say to you.
That's pretty silly, huh?
Yours sincerely, Elsa.'
"I know you've been looking for this."
Her father had returned the ring the morning before one of her appointments. Its chain glistened in the faint sunlight drifting into her hospital room.
He had pressed it into the palm of her hand. It was rough against her own, his hand dwarfing hers. Elsa could see the darkness under his eyes again. More wrinkles creasing as he smiled. Strawberry blond hair lightening enough to rival even her platinum. Had he been eating well? Had he been getting enough sleep?
"I'm sure you want it back," He had whispered to her, lips curving into an old, familiar grin. Elsa's hand closed further around the cool metal lying in her palm.
Had she wanted it back?
Elsa mustered up a smile, her heart racing and her stomach twisting over and over again. Of course she did.
Of course.
'25th March 2019
Dear Anna,
They've let me out of the hospital. Baymax will be staying with me for a while, but only until I can walk by myself again. My therapist seems to think that time away from the hospital will help, and for once, I cannot help but agree.
Marshmallow and Olaf had been waiting for me. I barely had the chance to blink before they knocked me over. I'm pretty sure Mama had a heart attack, but all I could do was laugh. Three months ago, that would have killed me. But I don't have to be afraid anymore. Marshmallow and Olaf had grown so big in the time I had been asleep. I wonder about who had been taking care of them. Had anyone been taking care of them?
There are so many things I missed while I was asleep - it'll take me a while to catch up. But, if there is one thing I do know.. I'm sure they miss you as much as I do.
Yours sincerely, Elsa.'
Home.
It was a foreign notion now - home.
Her mother often said the word, gentle hands pressing into her shoulders as she was guided into a chair at the dinner table. It had been smaller than any she'd sat at her entire life. Her father too, as he planted soft kisses to her forehead before being left alone to wallow in her thoughts.
Elsa had simply smiled and kept as silent as she always was, only sparing her words for Marshmallow and Olaf - ever so patient. She often sat with them for hours at a time, basking in their presence and slowly growing accustomed to the familiar weight of the ring resting against her chest. Marshmallow and Olaf often reminded her of home - whatever that was.
Home is where the heart is.
Elsa had heard it before, between the rustle of sheets and the thudding of her heart in her ears. If there was any semblance of truth in that statement, then, where else would her home be but with Anna? How could it ever be anywhere else?
'27th March 2019
Dear Anna,
I don't want to tear myself up to keep others whole anymore.
Yours sincerely, Elsa.'
Running away.
It wasn't an idea Elsa had ever been accustomed to, but sitting in that airplane seat was something that felt more familiar than anything else in the past few months.
Elsa peered out of the window. Marshmallow's head rested in her lap, fingers threading absently through his thick fur. Olaf curled up in against her neck, purring and pawing at her shoulder.
Could taking your grandfather's plane even be considered running away?
Her parents didn't know, but her grandfather did, sending her off with a pat to the head and a sly wink. Her grandfather really was something else, sometimes.
Marshmallow had yipped then, calling her attention from the clouds that billowed around them. He peered up at her, nosing against her hand. Elsa smiled tenderly and gave his head a light rub. Marshmallow's fur felt quite different without her gloves on. Most things felt quite different without her gloves on.
"We're not going home yet," She whispered to him, her free hand drifting up to curl around Olaf. Her eyes drifted back towards the window. "Not yet."
'10th April 2019,
Dear Anna,
Mama had called a few nights ago. She had been livid! I've never heard her speak so loudly to me before. She threatened to pick me up from my apartment and give me a good talking to. Papa had been the one to calm her down. He sounded very relieved to hear me. They'll be visiting soon. I'll need to find some time to think of a way to convince them that the apartment is perfectly fine.
We're taking a while to settle in. Marshmallow has found a corner to claim as his own, but Olaf has yet to climb onto every other surface he hasn't touched yet. They seem to like the apartment, too. Perhaps I'll take some pictures and leave them with this letter. It rains quite a bit here in London. It is nice, but it is lonely all the same. I'll have to remember to take my umbrella in the mornings.
I've decided to study again. Architecture, of course. Both my grandfather and my uncle seem to think that it is a good idea, and so do I. It is proving to be a good distraction - though I am surprised they still let me take the class half way through the school semester. I did not bother to ask if it was my family's name, or the work I presented to them. I hope it had been the work that convinced them, though.
I still miss you very much, Anna. I often find myself making two mugs of hot cocoa instead of one, or expect you to be lying beside me when I twist around in bed in the morning. There are mornings when I sit on the edge of the bed and wish for you to be singing away in the shower, or cooing to Marshmallow and Olaf as you put their food in their bowls.
I'm still adjusting to life without you, Anna. I suppose I'll have to get used to that, too.
Yours sincerely, Elsa.'
"Ow."
A brush of fingertips, a book on East Asian architecture and a bump of heads had been how easily Lara Croft sauntered into Elsa's life.
Months ago, that would have killed her.
The thought still wows Elsa every time.
"Sorry," Elsa breathed out reflexively, bare fingers curling back and away from the book. "You can have it. I can work on my assignment another time."
The teen before her shook her head and pressed the book back towards Elsa, voice pleasant and charming. "It's quite alright. I had wanted it for some light reading, but you need it for your assignment."
"I insist," Elsa countered, placing the book back into the brunette's unsuspecting arms before giggling. "I didn't think a thousand page book on East Asian architecture would be considered light reading, though."
Crimson blossomed in sun-kissed skin, and Elsa didn't have a moment to think of Anna's before the woman had spoken again, laughingly.
"You're certainly quite a stubborn one." Dainty fingers tucked strands of dark messy hair behind pierced ears before being placed in the few inches of space between them. "My name is Lara, Lara Croft. It's a pleasure to meet you."
Elsa's lips curled into a soft smile as she clasped Lara's hand with her own, barely hiding her surprise at the lack of nerves churning her stomach. "Elsa Hávadr-Ásdís. The pleasure's all mine."
Lara had flashed her a light smile, brown eyes bright and brimming with warmth in the light of the library. "Quite a mouthful. Perhaps you can let me practice more over coffee."
Elsa's laughter bubbled out before she could help it. "That sounds wonderful. Please lead the way."
'20th May 2019
Dear Anna,
The dreams have not stopped, but they are growing less frequent. I don't wake up every night calling out your name, to another room destroyed by snow and ice. I like to think that I'm getting better.
There are still some days when my heart feels so heavy that I cannot bear to carry it anymore. There are some days where I will lie in bed and gather up the sounds you left behind in my head. I will close my eyes and remember your laughter over early morning cartoons. I will remember the way you wrinkled your nose when you smell something horrible, and the way your sighs tumble out at the smell of something good. There are some days when I am consumed by thoughts of you, and I cannot bear to bring myself out of bed - cannot bear to convince myself that I lie in a too-big bed in a too-big apartment for just silly old me.
But there are some days where my shoulders are light and my heart does not feel like a burden to carry around. There are days when I don't think about the way my name falls from your lips. There are days when I look at Lara's smile and don't think of yours. There are days when I close my eyes and see you standing under the tree, days where I do not look for your eyes in tight, crowded spaces. One day, it will no longer hurt without you by my side.
I really think I'm getting better.
Yours sincerely, Elsa.'
"Hey babe, who's this?"
Lara had been cut off then, by the pretty dark haired figure that plopped down on her lap. Elsa peered curiously at the camera dangling from their wrist, and wondered if this person was Lara's significant other. Their discussion on bronze and jade coins would have to wait another time, regardless.
"Sam, I've told you not to do that," Lara had sighed out, hands steadying Sam on her lap, regardless. Sam had rolled her eyes and waved her hand dismissively.
"You tell me not to do a lot of things, but that doesn't stop me." Cool gray eyes shifted down towards Elsa, and Elsa couldn't help but admire how painstakingly neat her eyeliner was.
"Hello," Elsa greeted with a meek smile, fingers curling tightly around her leather-bound notebook. Sam's gaze had been a little unsettling, as if she was trying to figure something out but she couldn't put her finger on it.
Lara had sent Elsa an apologetic look, cheeks a warm pink. Her fingers had flexed against Sam's waist. "Elsa, this is Sam. She's my best friend."
Sam had offered her hand, a brilliant smile on her face. "Samantha Nishimura, future world-class director and filmmaker. Pleased to meetcha."
"Elsa Hávadr-Ásdís. The pleasure's all mine." Elsa gripped the hand presented before her a little tentatively. A yelp escaped as Sam tugged her closer, shrinking back as gray eyes bored deeply into her own.
"Are you and Lara banging?"
Elsa's shoes banged into Lara's under the table, alright. A resounding slam in their corner of the coffee shop. The clatter of her pen against the floor masked by the immediate chatter of neighboring students and coffee-buyers.
"Excuse me?" Elsa startled, eyes flitting to their sides, shoulders hunching at the curious looks sent their way. The tips of her ears burned as Sam towered over her.
"Sam," Lara had hissed from beneath the other girl, looking as if she was trying to shove Sam off her lap. Lara's cheeks had reddened too, it seemed.
"You heard me." An inch closer. Another squeeze to her hand. A cheeky grin playing across Sam's lips. "Are you shagging my best friend? Are you, you know, fucking?"
"I don't believe that's any of your business," Elsa breathed in reply. She flushed under the scowl of the elderly couple beside them, and even more so at the sudden murmurs that had sparked up around them.
"Well, if you're not shagging my best friend, what about having a go with m - hey!"
"I'm so sorry, Elsa. I'll see you in class tomorrow." Lara had managed to remove Sam from her lap then, face flushed and ears a vibrant pink. Notes had been hastily gathered and swept into a waiting messenger bag before both Sam and Lara were out of the door, bickering as they went.
Elsa had been left to sit there, cheeks crimson as she gathered her own notes and finally picked her pen up from the floor.
Samantha Nishimura certainly left a lasting first impression.
'21st June 2019
Dear Anna,
I can't believe you're 20 already. Has it already been a year since we bumped into each other last Summer? I feel like I should be used to being away from you already, after all those years of being apart. I suppose the biggest difference is that right now, I don't how you are. I don't know where you are, or if you even think about me anymore. For now, Marshmallow, Olaf and I hope that you are enjoying your day today. We spent the entire day yesterday searching for the perfect present, and settled on a few paintbrushes.
If I could, though, I would give you the sun, the moon, and the sky. But I am no god. I am no superhero. I cannot throw a lasso around the moon and pull it down for you. I cannot wrangle up the stars and offer them with my heart. I cannot soar through the sky and hold you in my arms. I am no god. I am no superhero.
But Gods, do I love you. I am human, and I love you. I love you so much that it makes me feel selfish. I love you so much that I cannot understand it. I would never say that I'd die for your touch, for I live and breathe because I love you just that much. I know that I am broken, and maybe not so whole. But please, my love, believe me that I'd give my heart and soul.
I still miss you. Especially now, I miss you.
Yours sincerely, Elsa.'
"Now this is a sight I can get used to."
Lara had huffed out a laugh above her, Sam's voice sounding somewhere from below them. Elsa felt the warmth creeping further into her cheeks, accepting Lara's hand as she shifted onto the next foothold.
"Is she always like this?" Elsa couldn't help but ask as she curled her fingers around the next hold, peering up at Lara's ascending figure.
Lara had laughed and peered down at her, errant strands of hair falling into warm brown eyes. "She prefers ogling the climbers rather than do any climbing herself."
"I heard that," Sam had called up, and Elsa chanced a glance downwards to find Sam lying down on the mats, gaze wandering and smile playful.
Elsa giggled, trembling arms pulling herself up. She watched as Lara stretched her leg to an impossible angle just to reach the next foothold, her jaw dropping slightly. She was sure she heard Sam's impressed whistle from down below.
"She's quite a joker," Lara had grunted out with a sheepish smile, nodding down to Sam. Elsa laughed once more. She'd been doing that a lot more lately. She supposed that that wasn't necessarily a bad thing.
"It's okay," Elsa breathed, taking a moment to catch her breath. Lara and Sam, always a package and yet not, had started inviting her to go bouldering just a few weeks ago, and Elsa had still to get the hang of it - literally. Virtual basketball had nothing on this.
"Still alright? Need a break? We can stop if you want." Lara had eased herself down to Elsa's level, eyebrows furrowed, a warm hand pressing to Elsa's shoulder. "How are you still cool after all of that?"
Ice crackled slightly around the hold she had been clinging on to. The sound of her heart pounded in her ears.
"No idea," Elsa replied instead, giving Lara a soft smile. Lara had mirrored it, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and opening her mouth to speak, only to be interrupted by Sam.
"Hey love birds," Sam had called up, the words warming both Elsa and Lara's cheeks. "I'm starved. Let's grab a bite to eat or something."
"Leave it to Sam," Lara murmured with a smile, shaking her head, dark hair falling into her eyes again. "Careful on your way down. I'll be right here if you need a hand."
Elsa gave Lara a nod, tucking her own hair behind her ear as she watched Lara begin to descend. She sucked in a deep breath and smiled a little to herself.
Maybe this is the kind of rebuilding she needed.
'5th August 2019
Dear Anna,
I'm going back to Arendelle.
My therapist seems to think that it is a good idea. I find myself booking less and less appointments, and more time clinging to cliffsides and avoiding Sam's cameras. Both experiences leave me breathless. Still, I think that I am getting better.
The flowers that you have planted inside me are dying. They are withering away, carried by the winds of my breaths. It is still not easy to breathe, but it is not getting any harder. I am finding my own flowers to plant, my own paths to take. I am searching for my own sunshine to help these flowers bloom. I like to think that I'm getting better.
I can't help but be scared of coming back. I'm scared of coming back to the place where you left me. I'm scared that I won't be able to step off the plane. I'm afraid of every possibility of running into you again. I'm not ready to see you again, Anna. Not yet. Not now.
I'm still trying my best to get better. I hope to the Gods that I will get better.
Yours sincerely, Elsa.'
"Your hands aren't as soft as they were before."
Elsa turned her gaze back towards Lucy Q, the book lying forgotten on her lap. She smiled softly, and was glad that her hands weren't shaking for once. "I've been doing a lot of exploring lately."
Lucy Q's eyes had sparkled under growing golden bangs. Elsa moved them delicately, tucking errant strands behind Lucy Q's ear.
"Exploring?" Lucy Q had echoed excitedly. "Like an adventure? Is that why you've been away for so long?"
"I haven't been away for that long," Elsa replied lightheartedly, but her stomach twisted. These few months had been the longest she'd ever spent.
"You didn't answer my question," Lucy Q had pressed, setting the book aside to clamber onto her lap. Elsa laughed and wound her arms around the tiny girl in her arms. She had grown since the last time she saw her.
"Yes, I did go on a few adventure of sorts." Elsa smiled at the growing grin on Lucy Q's face. "I went with my friends Lara and Sam. Lara is studying to be an architect, and Sam is studying to be a filmmaker."
Lucy Q had released a noise of awe, before peering up at her with a curious tilt of her head. "You went on an adventure without Anna?"
Elsa mustered up a smile, her heart racing at the sound of her name. "Yes. Without Anna."
"Do you miss her?"
Elsa's gaze fell away, instead focusing on the yellowing leaves. They would be falling soon, painting the ground in vibrant yellows and oranges and reds. Anna would have loved kicking through all of those leaves. "Yes. More than anything."
Lucy's head buried further into her chest, tiny fingers curling into her shirt. "It's okay," Lucy had whispered against the silk of her shirt. "I miss her too."
Elsa pressed her cheek to the top of Lucy's head, the sweet blonde girl in her arms feeling much smaller than she really was. "I'm sure she misses us, too."
Lucy Q had nodded, and Elsa could hear the smile in her voice as she spoke. "I sure hope so."
7th August 2019
Dear Anna,
Arendelle Castle had been an incredible experience.
I had only been there a handful of times as a child, not thinking too much of it. How could I when I could see it just outside my bedroom window, always looming and reminding me of a heritage my mother's side of the family was more than proud of. I had been glad then, pretending to be a princess, climbing onto as many chairs as I could get away with. It had been one of the times I remember being truly happy with my parents, sitting atop my father's shoulders as my mother gestured and pointed at the paintings that lined the portrait room, introducing me to my great-great-great-great-great grand relatives.
My favorite had been the queen rumored to have had powers just like mine. She had lost her parents at a young age, and her pain had been shown through the near-tyrannical rule she held in her early teen years. It was only when a peasant girl asked her to freeze her heart that she found that she couldn't, finding a goodness in her that changed Arendelle forever. Mama didn't like that story much, but I did. I couldn't believe that there might have been someone just like me. With powers, just like me, that had been used for good and the happiness of her people. It had reminded me then that my powers were not so bad after all. Even now, my powers may not be so bad. Maybe they were never bad at all.
Sam and Lara seemed to enjoy the visit, too. Sam had taken the opportunity to capture every inch of the castle on film. Lara had been more or less the same, taking in the details on the walls and drinking in the information the plaques on the wall provided us. It had been wonderful, listening to her ramble on and on about the age and origins of the things we found in the rooms. It had been amazing learning about the architecture, too, of course, now that I know what I'm talking about. To think that this had all been on my doorstep still blows me away, Anna. I had been living so close to a place so rich in history and wonder, and I had never truly acknowledge it until now.
Maybe this is part of finding myself, too.
Yours sincerely, Elsa.'
It had been different, sitting in a class where nobody knew her name, where nobody knew her as the person who threw up on stage at freshman orientation. She had been noticed, of course, but she rejected their phone numbers and half-hearted invitations to lunch.
It had been different, sitting in a corner of an unfamiliar coffee shop in an unfamiliar city full of unfamiliar faces. It had been different, sitting there and not feeling as if she needed to throw up or run out, terrified. It had been different, sitting there with a mug in one hand and a book in another. Their picture lay creased against the table; a worn bookmark with faded colors and worried edges.
It had been different, waking up in the mornings without the smell of breakfast cooking or Baymax's robotic voice reminding her to take her medicine and do her stretches. It had been different, spending an extra five minutes with Marshmallow and Olaf in the morning to eat breakfast with them and hurrying to class without an umbrella - again. It had been different, turning and not finding Anna there to tell her what she'd just found, or what she'd just read about. It had been different, falling asleep and waking up alone.
But, as Elsa buried her face into her pillow with a sigh, maybe it wasn't such a bad different after all.
'5th October 2019
Dear Anna,
'There are days that I often feel empty.
Marshmallow and Olaf - Gods, they're so big now, Anna - would curl up beside me and yet it still wouldn't make a difference. It is those days that I cannot bother to get out of bed, when my heart feels too heavy to carry, when my legs begin to shake. Those days are the ones I spend lost in my head, knowing that you don't need water to drown.
I hate those days.
I hate it because those are the days that everything is static, clouded, messy. I hate it because those are the days are the ones I spend lying around thinking about you.
Those are the days I will listen to myself, and convince myself that I'm fine - but they're the days I'll lose my head and know that I am lying. And I've become so good at pretending that I don't notice when I'm torn. It's only when I'm falling apart that I know I am alone. These are the nights that I know that even taking meds will be in vain. I would tell you to look in my eyes and tell me I'm not insane. Those days are so very hard, and I'll feel like I'm dying. But please, my love, believe me when I tell you that I'm trying.
Please, Anna, believe me when I tell you that I'm trying.
Yours sincerely, Elsa.'
"Your hair has grown quite a bit since I last saw you."
Elsa smiled at the sound of her mother's voice, leaning into the half-embrace her mother had enveloped her in. Elsa's fingers traced over the rim of the empty mug she was holding. The last time they had seen each other was through a computer screen, over choppy airport internet and her father crooning songs in the background.
"It's still not as long as it used to be," Elsa replied, and closed her eyes as a trembling hand pressed against the top of her head.
"I think it's a very nice change," Her mother had told her, fixing her crooked antlers. "Now come inside. The cold may not bother you, but it sure bothers me."
Elsa laughed and let her mother guide her back into the manor, her father sitting cross-legged by the fire. He had waved them over, features glowing in the orange light.
"Bonding without me, are you?" Her father had bellowed playfully, tugging Elsa down to sit with him. Elsa squealed and wriggled away as he assaulted her with tickles, puffing out her protests through breathless laughs.
"Papa! Stop!" Elsa felt the warmth rising into her cheeks, breaths growing shorter as her father only grew more relentless. "Mama! Help!"
Her mother had only grinned and sunk down beside them, joining her father in tickling her. Elsa merely squeaked out more laughter, trying to escape her parents and suddenly feeling like she was five again.
"That's what you get, snowflake," Her father had breathed with a brilliant grin after it started snowing in the room, fingers finally ceasing in their assault.
Her mother had laughed and fixed Elsa's crooked antlers. "I haven't laughed that much in so long.."
Elsa smiled widely between them, trying to catch her breath. She pulled them both closer to her, and indulged in their combined embrace. When was the last time they had all been together like this? When was the last time they had really been together - and happy to be together? Elsa simply curled further into their arms. "Merry Christmas, Mama and Papa."
"Merry Christmas, Snowflake," Her father had whispered into her hair, squeezing her shoulders with a smile.
Her mother had pressed a kiss to her temple. "And welcome home."
Lara had kissed her.
They had been sitting on the balcony, safe and away from the rowdy college students counting down behind them. She had tasted like cheap alcohol and cherry lip gloss, and she had kissed her. Elsa closed her eyes and squeezed Lara's hand, mirroring Lara's smile when she had broken away.
Lonely.
They both were.
Elsa knew that Lara had been looking over her shoulder - over at Sam, who was probably locked in a heated kiss with another nameless guy, another handsome face.
"Happy New Years, Elsa," Lara had whispered and pulled her scarf around them both. Elsa's smile grew a little as she leaned into the touch.
"Happy New Years, Lara," Elsa murmured back, head resting against Lara's shoulder as the fireworks painted the sky in brilliant reds and greens and blues, gone as quickly as they had been there.
Being with Lara would have been easy - but they both knew that it couldn't be. Not when Lara's heart belonged to Sam. Not when Elsa's was still for Anna to keep.
'14th February 2020
Dear Anna,
Please excuse the dirt on the page. I've washed my hands a thousand times and yet there is still dirt everywhere. You were right, Anna. I do have a thing about dirt. Just a small thing. It's really nothing serious, I promise. I really should have worn gloves or something.
I'm sure you're wondering why there is an unnecessary amount of dirt on this page. It's Lara's birthday today! Wait, that's not the right reason. One of our professors, Jane Porter, had asked us to join her on a small dig. Lara and I didn't hesitate, of course, and Sam managed to tag along on the guise that it was for a project for her class. Quite frankly, I've stopped being surprised at the things Sam can do. She's really quite impressive..
I had lots of fun today! Both Lara and I fell into a small pit but we found a lot of interesting things, so it was definitely worth it. I think our professor might give us an A for the class. Sam filmed it all, luckily. I'm sure she can edit out her own laughter somehow. She took quite a lot of photographs, too. I'll keep a few with this letter.
We shared cupcakes afterwards. Sam brought them to celebrate Lara's birthday in some shape or form, and insisted that Lara had to blow a candle since Sam was missing Valentine's Day just for this. Lara looked ready to kill when we started singing, but I knew she was happy. Sam was the one singing the loudest, after all.
I still wish I was telling you this in person, rather than writing it with pen and paper. I wish I could curl up in your arms and you'd still kiss me, even with all of the dirt on my face. I wish I could show you the things I found, and tell you about their story, their history, how they came to be. There are so many things I wish I could do with you, Anna. Still so many, many things.
Yours sincerely, Elsa.'
"You've got quite an impressive range of books here."
Elsa peered over her shoulder, watching Lara sink into the mattress, toying with a worn book. Her breath caught. Lucy Q's favorite book. A worn crease in the spine. Photographs tumbling out from chapter three.
Now, there were two unfinished stories resting in her lap.
Lara had looked at Elsa then. She had always been so, so curious. A shiver trembled down Elsa's spine at the flash of red hair in the pictures, near dropping the sheets that were in her hands.
"I dated her a little while ago," Elsa told her, voice dismissive and choked. Her hands shook as the page refused to slide into the clear pockets of her folder.
Her eyes closed as she sucked in a shallow breath. How could she tell Lara that sometimes, she could see Anna's smile in hers?
"Elsa," She had called, seemingly closer now, steady hands curling around delicate wrists and stilling shaking hands.
"She was older than me," Elsa breathed out, shoulders lowering at the touch. Elsa didn't tell her that the chill in her bones only ever warmed under Anna's radiant touch.
"You don't have to tell me." Lara's thumb had soothed over the hollow in her wrist, and Elsa can't suppress her shiver.
"I don't think it's anything to her, now," Elsa concluded after a long moment, trying to keep her voice from wavering.
But it had been everything then.
'25th April 2020
Dear Anna,
I've doing a lot of work at the company, both with my uncle and grandfather in Arendelle and with Mama at various charities and events. I think I've started to get a little better with people. With the amount of pubs, clubs and parties Sam has dragged both Lara and I to, I'm not really surprised anymore. I still wish you were around to fend off both girls and guys.
Spending time with Mama has been an enlightening experience. I've started discovering a different part to her, a part I wish I was more familiar with when I was younger. I wish I'd seen her in simple polo shirts and trousers, or with her hair pulled back in a neat ponytail. I wish I'd seen her smile that widely, laugh that freely, speak that gently. Spending time with Mama like this was like spending time with a completely different person. But it was nice seeing this side of her too. She'd been giving her love and attention to all of these people. All of these children, all of these families that didn't have what we did. I want to do that too, Anna. I want to help people. I want to bring smiles to their faces, to bring food into their homes - to give them homes. I want to help those children with their education, to make sure they get an education. Maybe I can't help everyone out there, but I can help some, and that's better than not at all.
I've decided to adopt Lucy Q. I've taken the time to discuss this with my parents, and they don't have any major problems with it. I'll be graduating next year, too, and I know that the adoption progress will be lengthy and tiring. I'm sure it'll be worth it. I'll be visiting her a lot more often now. I'm going to make as much time as I can between school work. I want to give her a family, Anna. Maybe I'm being selfish, Anna. I know that I can't give her a whole family, but I can give her loving grandparents and a loving home that she will always be welcome to. I want her to be happy. I hope she'll be happy.
Yours sincerely, Elsa.'
"Anna's started visiting me."
Elsa's heart leapt into her throat, hand tightening around Lucy's.
"Has she?" She managed to choke out, her free hand balling the material at the hem of her shirt. Deep breaths, Elsa. Take slow, deep breaths. "When did she come visit?"
"Yesterday," Lucy Q had replied absently, too busy deciding which of the chocolates she should eat first. Elsa swiped the mint chocolate one away, chewing on it to distract herself. Yesterday. If her essay hadn't been due the day before, she would have ended up running into her. Her head swam at the thought, a puff of ice tumbling past her lips.
"What did she say?" Elsa found herself asking, focusing on the patterns of the shirt Sam had shoved her into that morning. What a curious pattern.
"A lot of things," Lucy Q had answered, mouth full of chocolate. Elsa gave her a fond smile and wiped her cheeks, not urging her to continue until she was sure she wasn't going to choke on the impossible amount of chocolate she'd just shoved into her mouth. "She told me about her niece and nephew, and her new job as an illustrator for childrens' books. She told me that she was still studying hard."
Elsa nodded shakily, letting out a breath. Anna was well. She was glad Anna was well. "Is that all?" She pressed with a soft smile.
"I told her that I was getting adopted," Lucy Q had chirruped, peering up at Elsa with such an exuberant smile that she couldn't help but mirror it. "I didn't tell her it was you, though. I know you wanted it to be a surprise."
A relieved breath left Elsa's lips before she pressed a kiss to Lucy Q's forehead. "I'm glad you didn't tell her. It is our secret after all."
Lucy Q had smiled and tucked herself further into Elsa's side. Elsa squeezed her closer, brushing her fingers over golden locks. "I made a promise with her. I promised to introduce you."
"Cheeky," Elsa replied with a wide grin, shifting to tickle the girl sitting beside her. Lucy Q had squealed with laughter, batting her hands away as she squirmed. It had only been Lucy Q had quieted down and Elsa had finally stopped that Lucy Q asked the questions Elsa found difficult to answer.
"Why do we need to keep it a secret?" Lucy Q had asked her, climbing onto Elsa's lap as she tried to catch her breath. "Aren't you going to adopt me together? Anna is your true love, right?"
Elsa's eyes fell away from Lucy Q's. Anna was her true love, right? "Anna and I aren't really together right now, Luce. We haven't really been together for a while now."
Lucy Q had frowned, eyebrows furrowed. Lucy Q's hands seemed small as they held onto her arm, squeezing lightly. "But you'll find each other again, right? Because you love each other?"
Elsa merely smiled and pressed a kiss to Lucy Q's head to hide her watery gaze. "I hope so, Luce. I hope so."
'7th June 2020
Dear Anna,
Lucy asks about you often. She tells me that you are my true love, my princess charming, the one that will make all of my dreams come true.
I had been so naive to believe that.
I had been so naive to believe you.
Yours sincerely, Elsa.'
"What was he like this time?"
Elsa breathed her question into the darkness, peering over at Lara's clothed back, at the tightness of her shoulders and her fists.
Lara had simply slipped under the covers, tucking herself in beside her. Elsa watched quietly, arms curled around Sven, fingers tracing over his soft fur. Lara had smiled at the sight of it, giving the reindeer's nose a fond tweak before settling down once more.
"It was a girl this time," Lara had replied after a long moment. Faint giggles sounded from the other room. A soft thump. "She looked quite familiar, actually, but I couldn't put my finger on it." A purse of lips. An averting of eyes. "She was very pretty."
Elsa smiled at the bite in Lara's words, fingertips pressing lightly into the small of Lara's back as she turned away. She soothed them along the length of Lara's spine. "You're very pretty."
"I wish you would tell Sam that," Lara had murmured and settled at the touch, drawing the covers further around her shoulders.
"I wish you would," Elsa countered, thumb tracing absent circles at the dip of Lara's back. "Sam loves you, Lara. You know that."
"I don't want to lose her." Lara had reached back and taken her hand hostage then, holding it to her chest. The hold tightened as even more noise filtered from the other room. "She's the one person I love the most in this world. Even more than Roth. Even more than myself. Especially more than myself."
Two peas in a pod, Sam would always call them.
"What am I? A piece of toast?" Elsa joked, ignoring the tightness of her chest and the sudden rush of bittersweet affection that she held for Anna. Lara had twisted around then, smile widening when Lara knocked her shoulder with an exasperated laugh of her own. "You're going to take my shoulder off."
"Oh hush," Lara had replied with a soft smile. They had stayed quiet then, the silence creating all of the noise it needed to. Elsa closed her eyes at the touch of lips against her forehead. "Thank you."
Elsa's lips curved into a smile. "Don't mention it."
'30th April 2021
Dear Anna,
Did you kiss her the same way you kissed me?
Yours sincerely, Elsa.'
"I think it's great, what you're doing for those kids."
Elsa lifted her gaze from the box she was packing, gently pressing the flaps closed before she answered.
"There are many bright children in there," Elsa replied quietly, carefully taping the cardboard box shut. "I want to help them in any way I can. These books and school supplies are the least I can give."
Sam had decided to sit down next to her then. She fiddled with the camera in her hands, her feet tapping against the floor. "It's no wonder Lara likes you so much, then."
Elsa couldn't help but laugh as she started to pack another empty box. "I really think you've got the wrong idea about Lara and I."
"Do I? You guys spend so much time together. I'm starting to feel a little jealous." Sam had passed her a few books, letting out a small laugh of her own.
Elsa sent her a thankful smile and carefully stacked the books inside. "I promise that Lara and I are just friends."
"Good, because if you weren't, I'm sure Roth would interrogate you into the next week." Sam had nudged her shoulder against Elsa's, a playful grin on her face.
Elsa merely shook her head, an amused smile on her face as she placed the packed pencil cases beside the books. "I'm sure Roth is a very nice man."
"He's great," Sam had replied with a warm grin. "A little rough around the edges, but he looked out for Lara, you know? She doesn't say it, but he's like a father figure to her."
"I'm glad she's had someone like Roth then."
The ticking of the clock filled the room once more, only interrupted by the tapping of Sam's foot over and over and over again. Elsa remained silent, diligently packing one boc after another.
"Look, I'm sorry about Anna," Sam had blurted out, placing a hand over Elsa's to stop her from stacking another book in the box. "If I had known, I would have backed off. I really didn't know and-"
"It's okay," Elsa cut in with a small smile, lifting her gaze from their hands and finally meeting Sam's. "Really. I'm glad to know that she's happy. And you've become good friends with her. I really don't mind."
"I can definitely see what you like so much about her," Sam had sighed, pulling her knees up to her chest and resting her chin against them. "I can definitely see what she likes so much about you."
Elsa's gaze shifted towards Sam. "Does she ever talk about me?" She whispered, mirroring Sam's pose, fingers curling into her upper arms.
"When doesn't she?" Sam had teased, before sobering and bumping their heads together lightly. "You feature alot in her sketchbook. When I ask her about them, she tells me that you're the person she can't stop thinking about."
Elsa buried her head into her arms, voice muffled by her sweater and thickened by her tears. "In a good or bad way?"
Sam had hummed then, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "That, I don't know."
Lara had entered then, a box full of supplies in her hands. It had been promptly dropped at the sight of Elsa's tears. "Sam! What happened? Is she alright?"
Elsa was quick to reassure her, sending Lara a small, watery grin. "I'm good." She sucked in a deep breath and curled her fingers around the ring hanging from her neck. "Really, really good."
27th May 2021
Dear Anna,
Lucy Q has been adjusting well to her new life as a Hávadr-Ásdís. Mama and Papa have been spoiling her rotten with gifts, and I can't say I'm not guilty of doing that, too. I'm sure our new home is practically made of books at this point, with the amount Lucy reads. She always has something new to tell me, like how many rings a blue ring octopus might have or how do snails really breathe. Lucy Q has even grown accustomed to moving around, always racing with Marshmallow and Olaf, wanting to get to the plane first.
Right now, we're in Singapore. I've been checking on the office here and doing some volunteer work, too. Mama and Papa are bound to join us any time soon, but for now Lucy Q has been eager to help me out. She likes playing with the other children, and often reads to them while we're at the various centres and orphanages. She's really taking advantage of the time we're spending here before we're back to London. I'll be graduating soon, Anna, and stepping up to take a more serious role at the company.
Am I nervous? Yes, but it's getting a lot easier with Lucy, Mama and Papa around. Lara and Sam, too. I know they are in Arendelle at the moment, finalizing a few parts of Sam's final project of the semester. I'm kind of jealous that they get to see you, but I'm glad they've become your friends, too. You sound happy, Anna. I'm so very glad you're happy, Anna.
Lucy and I often read your books before she goes to bed. It's her favorite, she told me, because you're the one who gave them to her. I spend a lot of time reading them, too. Your illustrations are incredible, Anna. I can't believe how far you've gotten in your work. I can't help but feel a little proud, even if that may be silly of me. My favorite is the tale of two sisters. It's Lucy's too. She often asks me about true love, and about you. I often wonder about true love, and about you.
I guess I still can't help but think about you.
Yours sincerely, Elsa.'
"Mama, Mama!"
Elsa's head shot up at the sound of Lucy's urgent calls, dropping her blueprints and skidding into the living room. She dropped down to her knees before her, cupping Lucy's cheeks and turning her head gently from side to side, inspecting her daughter - her daughter - from head to toe.
"Are you okay?" Elsa breathed out, brushing her hands over long golden locks and down Lucy's back. "Are you hurt?"
"Mama," Lucy had giggled, taking hold of her hands. "I'm fine, Mama. I wanted you to look at the television."
Elsa released a relieved breath. What on earth could be on the television that was so important? Elsa looked, regardless, and was instantly glad she was quick on her feet. Her hands fell away from Lucy's cheeks, eyes widening at the sight of who exactly was on the television.
Anna had been standing there, talking to the local news reporter about the works of art she would be doing around the city, and the exhibition she would be holding very, very soon. Elsa drank her in. The sun-kissed skin, the abundance of freckles, those brilliant, brilliant teal eyes and that breath-taking smile. The very girl that took her heart and never given it back. Even as the station switched to the weather, Elsa stared, the image of Anna burning into her mind. Gods, she had looked so beautiful.
"Are you okay, Mama?" Lucy had asked her after a moment. Elsa could hear the laughter in her voice.
Elsa merely mustered up a smile and tried to ignore the roaring of her heart in her ears as she pressed a kiss to Lucy's forehead. "Of course, Luce. More than okay."
Just great.
'20th June 2021
Dear Anna,
How much of my life I spent waiting?
Waiting for a chance to speak to you again, and never gathering the courage to send to those letters - to send these letters. Waiting for the time that I could face you, when I was 8, when I was 18. Waiting for the perfect moment to declare my love for you - and just blurting it out at a stoplight in the middle of Corona because I couldn't bear the thought of losing you. Waiting for the right time to tell you that I was sick, that I was dying, that I didn't want to lose you, that one day I could fall asleep and never wake up. Waiting for the noise in my head to go away, waiting for the time when my legs weren't as useless as I felt. Waiting to forget the hurt, waiting to forget the feelings and the memory of you saying you didn't love me anymore.
Waiting for the day that I could walk up to you and say I didn't need you like the Earth needed the sun to go another day. Waiting for the day when my heart will not seize at the mere thought of you. Waiting for the day that I can finally smile and tell you that I loved you, and it would not feel like my heart might burst out of my chest.
I'm growing tired of waiting now, Anna.
I don't want to wait anymore, but I don't know if I'm ready to see you.
Yours sincerely, Elsa.'
"Lucy?"
Elsa checked her watch once more, wondering how much longer this was going to take. Sam and Lara had wanted to drop by some warehouse of sorts to visit a friend, and decided to take Lucy up with them. Why she thought letting Sam leave with her daughter was a good idea was beyond her. Her hand strayed to her temple, not hearing the approaching footsteps. Maybe she didn't have enough hot chocolate that morning..
Elsa had opened her mouth to call for Lucy again, but she didn't stand a chance. She whimpered as something knocked into her head, and squealed as she was whipped around, landing with a small groan. Gods, what had just happened? She took a moment to regain her bearings, to still the spinning of her vision and feel exactly what it was she had landed on.
Elsa finally lifted her head and opened her eyes, her heart stopping at the sight below her. No. No, no, no, no. It couldn't be. It couldn't possibly be. Of all the people she could possibly, and literally, bump into.
"Anna?" She breathed out in disbelief, feeling the power crackling through her veins, eager and restless. Elsa found herself staring into vibrant teal eyes that seemed to be in as much disbelief as she.
"Elsa?" Anna had whispered in surprise, in disbelief. Elsa could feel strong arms tightening around her waist, and Elsa couldn't help but bring herself closer despite herself, fingers curling into the worn fabric of the button-up Anna was wearing. Elsa's breaths quickened, her heart hammering in her chest and threatening to burst out of her chest. Oh Gods. Oh Gods.
Elsa was quick to rise to her feet, hastily brushing off her dress and pushing away the thought of how mad Sam might be when she realized that she got paint on a thousand dollar dress. She took in the sight of Anna, of her freckled cheeks and open gaping. Elsa couldn't even bear to look at her as she pulled herself up, disgusted with how much she enjoyed feeling Anna's touch against her skin.
They knew. Lucy, Sam and Lara. They knew. Gods, they knew and they didn't tell her. Elsa knew by the ear-splitting grin on her daughter's face, by the twinkle in her bright hazel eyes. They were so dead when they got home.
"Thank you for catching me," Elsa ground out stiffly, pushing down her delight at the way Anna was looking at her. Why was Anna looking at her like that? Wasn't Anna the one that told her that she didn't love her anymore? Wasn't Anna the one who left her behind? Wasn't Anna the one who gave up on them? On their love? Her arm curled absently around her waist, chest tightening at the sound of Anna's laugh. Gods, Elsa was going to get sick.
"Thanks for being such a catch."
Now, I'm sure you're all wondering who I am and what I've done with the real author because surely, I can't have uploaded a new chapter already! But rest assured, it's me and this chapter is an absolute mammoth. It's huge, the longest one yet! Surprisingly, I find Elsa a little easier to write than Anna, and to be honest, I'm quite eager to crack into the development of Anna and Elsa's relationship now that they're older. This chapter was really just to establish the slow, very slow, process of Elsa's healing - if she even has ;) The next chapter, we'll really be crackalacking at the new stuff.
As always, thank you so much for all of the reviews, and for following and adding my story to your favorites. It means so much to me. I love reading every single review you leave. You're totally the best. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and look forward to the next. Don't be afraid to tell me if I have anywhere I need to improve on, either!