Disclaimer: I own nothing but the thoughts in my own little pea-brain.

The Other Side of the Coin Part 2
an offshoot from Nothing But Time on My Hands
Café Ole's Perspective
By Alfonsina

June … after the e-mail about her friend, his desire for sex, and his qualities good and bad

Fuck. No other way to say it. Fuck. She wants me, me, to explain male logic, sensibilities and thinking for her. Not really what I had in mind when I started this endeavor. She seems to think that I have never hurt someone either intentionally or in error. God is she mistaken! I've hurt more women more times than I can remember. I decided the easiest way to stop hurting them was to stop pursuing them.

She wants me to explain why her friend wants sex with her. What? Is she sixteen?

No.

That's wrong of me. Men seem to want her and are drawn to her and she just doesn't see it. It is as though she lives in the ethers and has no concept that anyone might be desirous of her. That's probably why so many men are attracted to her incessantly. They talk about the moth to the flame, she is the flame and has no idea how badly she could potentially burn others.

If she only realized the power she holds, she could easily break hearts as a hobby. She could break mine easily enough if I ever let her get close. Most likely my heart will remain safe because things I would explain to her about myself will offend her.

xx

She is still trying to see the best in me. I was hoping she'd be done with this by now because I'm reaching the point of no return. She's accepted my flaws and forgiven them; even offered to help me in my own relationships. If she only knew. Better that she doesn't and that she never finds out.

xx

After the musical preference e-mail …

I've seen her sister and if her sister was the flavor of the week several years ago, there is little wonder she's had self esteem issues. If I could only convince her otherwise. Then again if I tried, she might make more of what we do/don't have right now. Best to leave her self-esteem issues alone; it is safer for her and for me.

xx

It is official. Tank is a bastard. He wants to do a nice dinner for Lula but doesn't want to pay for it. It seems that I haven't been sending enough enticements to her lately and Tank wants me to step it up. What an ass. Thank you so God damned much for minding my business, Tank.

How much does it cost to feed Tank and Lula for an evening? Too damned much. At least he isn't hiring a personal chef for the night; that'd cost me several hundred dollars. As it is, I'm easily looking at over two-hundred for him to keep his mouth shut.

xx

Regrets …

Jesus Christ on a crutch! Now she wants to know about regrets. There are too damned many to let me sleep at night.

I wasn't ever there emotionally for my wife who was a single mother emotionally long before the divorce papers were ever signed.

I've chosen to cut everyone extraneous out of my life to reduce the amount of collateral damage. Recent events have changed some of that, but not to the degree it otherwise might.

Things I've had to do in the service of my country are too deplorable to mention.

And yet. And yet she thinks she wants to know.

If I allow myself to think and examine my own conscience, I think that for me the worst of the regrets had to do with a woman. All I've ever done is cause the women in my life pain; every god damned last one of them. It hasn't been their fault; it has always been mine, but they take all of the fallout whenever I allow myself to loosen my reins.

How do you say, "Oh I gained the trust of a woman I was infatuated with and then destroyed her world. I lured her into a situation she didn't want to be in and then threw out the rule book, satisfied my own needs and desires, and left devastated most of her life, ego, and self-worth in the process." How do you tell someone who wants to trust you that you can be as cold and as callous as they come?

Simple. You don't. You don't even admit to yourself how shallow you are. You let others assume what they will and you don't dispute it. You let it eat at you for years until it warps your perceptions of you, her, the relationship and the situation that brought the relationship to bear.

A/N: this is the end of CO's musings ... normal chapters resume next week. Alf