Author's Note: First and foremost: Awwww yeah! Halfway point, whoop, whoop! Twenty-five episodes, baby! I've finally reached it! And it only took me…how long? Twenty-five weeks, I think. That's…divided by four…six months in all? Am I right? Wow, half a year. And it'll probably take me another half-year to write the rest, eh? Well, wish me luck! Enjoy! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 25

Red Shield

Somewhere in the deep darkness of night, two figures were picking their way through a thick woodland, using flashlights to find the path. Why, it's Okamura and Mao! I'd almost forgotten they were in this anime! The two were obviously searching the woods for something, but what?

Before the question could be answered, Okamura suddenly bolted from the path and dashed up to the camera, shoving his face in it and adopting a terrified expression whilst also shining his flashlight up from underneath.

"Oh my god!" He said in a horrified whisper. "Oh my God I'm so scared! I don't know what's going on and-"

"Stop doing that stupid Blair Witch and get back here!" Mao snapped, grabbing him by the shirt and dragging him away from the camera.

"Yeah, I think we found her…" Okamura muttered darkly. Mao ignored him (making a mental note to kneecap him later for insolence), and instead withdrew a magnifying glass with which she studied the ground. "Okay, Nancy Drew," Okamura drawled sarcastically, "you find any clues?"

"Yeah," Mao shot right back, "they're up your ass."

"Oh, hardee har har," Okamura rolled his eyes. "You know we wouldn't be lost if you hadn't picked a fight with our Sue-Sue and smashed the hell out of it."

"…She called me fat." Mao stated matter-of-factly, eyes still on the ground.

"She said turn left!"

"Well it sounded like an insult to me!" Mao huffed. Finally the two reached a small clearing/campsite and began inspecting it. "Hey, I'll bet Kai was here!" Mao dropped to her hands and knees and sniffed at the ground. "A-ha! I found his scent!"

"Frickin' bloodhound…" Okamura muttered.

"What'd you call me?!"

"I said- aw, hell. Who am I kidding?" Okamura glared at her. "You're a bitch! And I don't mean in the dog fashion."

"Why you-!!" Mao grabbed hold of a huge tree-trunk to throw at Okamura's head but gasped in surprise, looking at her hand. It'd gotten covered in some strange red liquid from touching the tree. Wait, it was all over the campsite! Gross! "Ewww! What the hell is this?!" Mao squealed with disgust.

"…Ketchup." Okamura soon discovered. "Why is there ketchup everywhere?"

"I dunno." Mao sucked on her hand and looked around, bored. "Now what?"

"Well…" Okamura scratched his head. "We can check out that dark and creepy tower up on that hill over there." Mao simply nodded, and the two headed over. Once at the tower, they discovered even more puddles of red liquid splattered all over the ground and walls.

"Damn, what did these people do?" Mao whispered in horror. "Have a ketchup orgy?"

"Oh, this isn't ketchup," Okamura stated. "This is blood."

"Oh." Mao blinked. "AUUUUUUUUUGH!!" She threw herself backwards, screaming like a banshee. Okamura winced in pain, then noticed something shiny on the green lawn.

"Hey, what's this?" He leaned over and plucked up the broken-off tip of a sharp implement. Mao came over and looked at it closely.

"I think it's a…" she began.

"Letter-opener?" Okamura finished.

"No, you idiot! It's a Japanese sword!" Mao smacked him.

-Meanwhile, on the Red Shield Boat-Place-

Riku lay in one of the hospital beds in the medical ward of the boat, an IV strapped to one arm and a breathing mask on his face. The poor boy was also dolled up with heavy makeup, a pig-tailed red wig, and a dress just like Dorothy's from the Wizard of Oz, topped off with red ruby slippers adorning his fee- wait, what?

"KAI!!" Everyone hollered, turning to glare at the guilty-faced boy.

"Whaaat?" He whined, flinching away. "Come on, I just wanted to see the look on his face when he woke up!" Before he could say any more, David stepped forward and handcuffed him to the nearby radiator.

"Aaaagh!" Kai gagged, leaning away from the hissing, steaming pipes. "It's hot! So hot! Third degree burns on my nutsack! This is cruel and unusual punishment, man!"

"This is cruel and deserving punishment, so shut up," David told him. "Now you stay there and think about what you did!" He turned to leave.

"You're just jealous I didn't do it to you!" Kai called after him.

"Am NOT!" David hollered back, voice thick with tears. Saya took this as her cue to get the eff out of there before things got (even more) awkward.

Later, Saya stood by the railing of the ship, sadly gazing out into the cold black waters of the ocean. Haji stood behind her, offering her his unyielding support.

"Wanna write emo poetry about your feelings and how life sucks?" He asked.

"God no," Saya gave him a look over her shoulder. Haji shrugged.

"…Wanna do Titanic?" He asked, trying a different approach.

"No," Saya sighed. "I'm not in the mood…plus I don't know how to get to the front of this dumb boat."

"…Oh." Haji looked at his feet. "Actually, I was thinking of another part of the Ti-"

"It's all my fault!" Saya sniffled. "Because of me, Riku will never be the same!"

"Well, let's look at the positive!" Haji suggested. "Maybe he'll be less annoying!" Saya stared at him, eyes wide.

"…Quick, someone mortally wound Kai, then I'll give him some of my blood!"

"Um…" Haji coughed awkwardly. "I really don't think that'd work…"

"Yeah, you're right…" Saya sighed and turned back to the railing. "Even I don't have that much blood…"

"Sorry for interrupting your little 'moment', here," David cut in, suddenly appearing between the two, "but I need Saya to come with me."

"It was NOT a mo-"

"Don't care." David grabbed Saya's arm and hauled her off down the hall. Haji stared after them.

"What about me? Don't I matter?" Haji sniffled back tears. "Fine, I'll write my own emo poetry! …What rhymes with 'alone and horny'? Anyone?"

-In the Meeting Room-

Saya sat at a large, rectangular table in a dark room inhabited only by her, David, Louis, Collins, and Joel seated at the head. A serious hush had descended on the room as Joel looked at Collins and nodded.

"Collins, report!" He ordered.

"Yes, sir," Collins cleared his throat. "It seems that-"

"Wait!" Saya interrupted. "Can't I model off my adorable new outfit first?"

"N-" Collins began.

"Thanks!" Saya clambered onto the table and stood up, displaying her cute new uniform – a black top with a red bow, complete with a black skirt and knee socks. How much cuter can you get?! She strutted down the table like it was a catwalk as Louis whistled and threw dollar bills at her.

"Hey!" David snapped at him, dragging Saya back down to her seat. "Underage!"

"Not technically," Louis pointed out.

"Ju…just shut up!!" David gave Saya a look. "And what did I say about hoing in front of daddy, hmm? You are grounded, young lady!"

"Can I give my report now?" Collins growled. David looked at him closely for the first time and gasped.

"D…daddy?" He whispered in awe. It was true, Collins did indeed look like David's long-lost father – the skeletal frame, the ruffled light hair, the bags under the eyes! My GOD they look alike!

"We've been over this before," Collins glared at David. "I'm NOT your damn father! Now anyway, since Saya gave that brat some of her blood, he's been unconscious and we couldn't be happier. We just don't know what'll happen to him, though. Or care."

"Is there a chance he'll go berserk when he wakes up?" Joel asked. Saya couldn't help but think of Riku's burnt I Love New York DVD's.

"God help us all…" She whispered to herself. "Or Kai, at least, because that was so not my fault."

"Alright then, this meeting is adjourned." Joel smacked the tabletop with a small gavel. "I order both David and Joel to go and eat a mother-effing sandwich."

"Yes, sir!" Saya saluted happily.

"Not you, Saya," Joel coughed. "You're…just fine the way you are."

"…Did you just call me fat?" Saya asked, hurt in her voice.

"But sir!" Collins pleaded. "I'm not done-"

"Dude, no-one cares about your stupid Iceland report!" Joel rolled his eyes. "Now…" He got up from his chair and climbed onto the table. "Who wants to see how sexy my legs look in tights?"

"…I do." Louis stated. Joel was happy to oblige.

"I need a new job…" Collins muttered, making a beeline for the exit. As everyone also left the room, Joel hopped down from the table and grabbed David's arm.

"Come have a drink with me!" He invited. David blinked.

"Drink? What is that?"

"Oh come on, I'll show you." Joel led him off down the hall.

-In Joel's Office-

David now stood in Joel's office, which was rather small and tidy and filled with pictures of his legs (talk about obsessed!). Joel finished pouring David a drink and leaned back.

"So!" He began, sipping at his own glass, "How was the Zoo?"

"The Zoo?" David frowned. "Well, I especially enjoyed the giraffes and the-"

"The other Zoo, David."

"Oh. Well, we almost died, Saya saw her evil twin sister, and Riku's completely messed up! You shoulda been there! It was great! We took pictures and stuff!"

"Um…I think I'm good." Joel wandered over to his large bookshelf and pulled out a large, worn tome which he flipped open. "This is my ancestor Joel's diary," he told David. "Let's read a passage! Ahem. 'David looked at me again today. Oh, when will this charade cease? When will he look at me, eyes filled with'…Wait a second, this is mine!" He quickly slammed the diary closed and shoved it back on the shelf.

"Wow!" David gushed. "You must really admire me! I feel so honored!"

"Wow, Julia was right. You are an idiot." Joel shook his head and sighed. "Anyway, those who inherit the house of Goldschmidt take the name Joel and become chief of Red Shield, even if their true dream is…to be a leg model! Gaah!" Joel burst into tears and chugged down the rest of his drink, then looked at David. "You gonna drink that?"

"Well, I'll try," David shrugged and took a small sip. Immediately he crashed over backwards, passed out.

"Lightweight." Joel muttered, pouring himself another drink.

-Meanwhile, In the Science Lab-

In the science lab of the boat, which was filled with computers, vials, and other sciencey crap, Julia was busy doing sciency things, because, as you know, she's a scientist. Suddenly she straightened from her work, a smile of triumph of her face.

"I've done it!" She declared. "What no man has done before! I've created…the perfect bra for me! Look, it clips in the front!" She held up a large, scientific (and lacey!) looking bra for all to see. "It lifts, separates, and gives them a minty-fresh scent! I'm a genius! And look!" She pulled out a much smaller-looking bra of the same design. "I even made a mini one for Saya! Isn't it cute?"

The difference between the two bras was like comparing a mouse to an elephant.

"Oh, come on! They're not that big!" Julia argued. "…Alright, they are, you gotta problem with that? I don't think any of the male audience does!" She whirled around in her wheely chair and began tik-takkin' on her computer. "What was I doing again? Oh, yes. Trying to figure out why the hell David won't sleep with me."

Beep, beep!

"Hmm?" Julia glanced up as a computer on the other side of the room beeped. Pushing off with her feet, she sailed across the room on her wheely chair like a graceful ice-skater, that is, until she said hello to the potted plant that was in her way.

"Don't worry, I'm fine!" Julia struggled to her feet, adjusting her crooked glasses. "My boobs deployed just in time and broke my fall!" She picked her wheely chair back up and turned to the still-beeping computer screen. "What?! Oh, it's just junkmail. No, I do not want to increase my bust size! They're big enough already!" She paused. "Although maybe I should forward this to Saya…"

-Back in the Medical Ward-

Kai sat next to the radiator, scratching his ass and being bored senseless. Playing Tag with yourself wasn't nearly as fun as he'd hoped, especially while handcuffed to a radiator. He looked up as Louis walked down the hall toward him.

"Hey Kai, how you doing?" He asked.

"Oh, fine, fine," Kai began agreeably, "I'm just slowly going INSANE due to mind-numbing BOREDOM, not to mention have CONVERSATIONS with my HAND!!" He held up the non-handcuffed hand and glared at it suspiciously. "He's planning a rebellion against me, I know it! I'm ON to you!" He twisted left and right, wrestling with his own appendage. Louis slowly backed away, eyes wide behind the glasses.

"O…kay…" he drawled. "Here, maybe something to eat will make you…not so crazy." He tossed Kai a bag of chips, but he just kicked it away.

"No! I'm not hungry!"

"Come on, brat!" Louis said firmly. "Don't be like David! Eat!"

"Looks like you're eatin' enough for both of us," Kai muttered, accidentally leaning on the radiator. "Gaah! It burns the flesh!"

"Screw you, brat! I was only trying to be nice!" Louis turned and began storming away. Kai watched him go, then called after.

"Fat-ass!"

Louis froze in place, then sloooowly turned around to stare at Kai.

"…It was him." Kai pointed at his free hand accusingly. Louis cracked his knuckles and began taking slow steps toward him. Kai shrieked like a girl. A girl getting sat upon by a very large black man. Oh, the humanity.

-Elsewhere on the Boat-

Saya stood on the prow of the boat (is that what it's called? The front, anyway), holding her arms up to the wind and closing her eyes. She stood there for several long moments.

"Anything?" Haji asked from behind.

"No," Saya sighed. "I just feels wrong." She hopped down from the railing and kicked at the floor. "Was it really okay, what I did? Did I make the right choice? Maybe I should have-"

"Saya," Haji gently interrupted, "giving Riku your blood was the only way to save-"

"Riku?!" Saya snorted. "I was talkin' about that candy bar I stole earlier! Sheesh!"

"Oh." Haji blinked. "Well, anyway, now Riku will be just as dedicated to you as I am! Isn't that great?"

"My GOD, what have I done?" Saya whispered in horror. "I'll never get a moment of peace and quiet!" She scrambled over the railing and would have jumped into the salty ocean had not Haji grabbed her and dragged her back onboard.

-Back in the Lab-

"What do you think, professor?" Julia asked curiously. Collins scowled and pursed his lips before answering.

"Hmm…" He cocked an eyebrow. "Well, it's obvious somebody's got a new bra! And I'll give you a hint; it's not me!"

"I sure as hell hope not," Julia muttered to herself, then said to the man, "I was talking about the data on the computer, professor, not my breasts (for once)."

"Oh. Oh! Yes, of course I knew that." Collins cleared his throat and forced himself to not ogle Julia's chest. "Hmm, yes, that data…it seems that the doohickey of the whatchamacallit and the hibbidy-dibbidy are flurming."

"Yes, that's what I thought!" Julia agreed, continuing the scientific mumbo-jumbo. "That yorgi-shmorgi is just not right!" She crossed her arms and smiled at the professor. "It's an honor to be working under you!" Collins stared at her.

"…Could…could you say that one more time?" He asked slowly. "And lick your lips a little?" Julia gave him a stern look. "Er, I mean to say, I admire your honesty, Julia, but I admire your bust even more!"

There was an awkward silence.

"I should…probably go, huh?" Collins asked nervously.

"Yes. Yes you should." Julia opened the door for him to leave.

"Goodbye, boobs. Er, Julia! I meant Julia!"

"GO!!"

-Later, With Collins-

Collins lay in his quarters on the boat, still fuming over Joel's unfair treatment, as well as his embarrassing outbursts with Julia. Damn people! Damn boat! His mental curses were put on hold as his telephone rang and he irritably snatched it up.

"Hello?" He asked curtly, not in the mood for any nonsense.

"…Is your refrigerator running?" A sinisterly French voice asked.

"Uh…I don't have a refrigerator," Collins admitted.

"You don't? Really? Damn." The voice paused. "Alright, how about this. Do you have a Seymour Butts there?"

"Just tell me what you want, a-hole!" Collins exploded.

"Okay, okay! Mon Dieu!" The voice cleared his throat. "This is Van Argeno (I knew it was him!), and I'm interested in life-forms that preceded homo sapiens."

"…Did you just call me gay?" Collins growled.

"Well, I don't know, I've never even met you before- er, never mind. Listen, I'm VERY interested in CREATURES that drink BLOOD. …Get it?"

"Look, I don't know what you're trying to-"

"Oh, for the love of- CHIROPTERANS! Okaaay? There, I said it!" Mr. Argeno quickly lost his temper. "Now come join the dark side and work for us!"

"Okay!" Collins agreed simply.

"Come on, we've got a great dental plan- what?"

"I said okay. I'll join you guys," Collins explained.

"R…really?" Mr. Argeno sounded doubtful. "But what about Red Shield?"

"Red Shield?" Collins scoffed. "Bleep Red Shield! I hope they all bleeping die! When can I start?"

There was a long silence over the phone. Finally Mr. Argeno spoke.

"Let me love you."

-Elsewhere, at a Hotel-

"I'm scared," Mao whimpered, huddled on the bed of the hotel. Okamura scowled and looked up at her from the nearby chair.

"Oh, please," he snorted, "you don't have feelings."

"Will people stop saying that?!" Mao exploded. "I do to! They're just…a little rusty! Aren't you scared? When's the last time you've seen that much blood?!"

"Well," Okamura began jokingly, "there's that time I killed a hooker-"

"Okay, we really gotta stop with the 'killing a hooker' jokes," Mao said firmly. "We're gonna get the UHS on our asses!"

"UHS?" Okamura cocked an eyebrow.

"United Hookers Society," Mao explained. "Now it's shower time!" She began pulling up her shirt as Okamura sputtered in surprise. Immediately the door burst open and the cop from a few episodes prior rolled in, grabbed hold of Okamura, and chucked him out the window.

"But she was the one who-" Okamura pleaded, broken glass in his face.

"I got two words for you," the cop growled. "Under. Age."

"…That's only one word."

Click.

"It's two," the cop said firmly, his gun barrel pressed against Okamura's brow.

"Yes, officer." Okamura knew better than to argue.

-Back on the Boat-

"Saya!" David, using his skinny-man powers, was able to find Saya hiding near the front of the ship and approached her, a strangely-shaped package under one twig. Er, arm. "Hey, slugger. How you doing? How old are you now, 21, 22? …100? Whatever, that doesn't matter. Here's a present!" He held out the package to Saya, who glared.

"A present? You think a damn present will make up for all the pain and agony I've gone through?!"

"Kinda…" David shrugged. "I've also got coupons for an all-you-can-eat buffet…"

"…I guess it does make up for it! Gimme!" Saya snatched the coupons away and smiled happily. David cleared his throat and went on.

"Saya, listen…I'm truly sorry about putting you through all this crap. I know you're young and impressionable and all that stuff, but we need you, you know? And…and I can't help but feel that if I ever did have a daughter, she'd be like you. I…I really am proud of you, and…Saya, are you even listening?"

"Hmm? What?" Saya blinked and looked up. "You say somethin'? I was making a mental list of what I'm gonna eat with these mother-effin' coupons."

"I was staring at Saya's ass," Haji put in.

"On second thought, bleep kids," David sighed. "Look, just know this; there is no-one else but you who can do this!"

"Yes, I know that," Saya said courageously, holding her head high. "I'm the only one who can do this! I'll kill Diva! And I'll bring democracy to the states!" As Saya continued her speech, a waving American flag appeared behind her, as well as patriotic music blaring through trumpets. "Four score and seven years ago, we-"

"Alright, we get it. And aren't we Japanese?" David shoved the strange package into Saya's arms. "Now make daddy proud and go kill a lot of things with this."

"Another present? What is it?" Saya unwrapped the package and gasped in delight. "Wow, a letter-opener!"

"NO! It's a new sword!" David barked.

"Oh. What's so special about this one?" Saya unsheathed the sword and gawked.

"It glows in the dark," David said proudly.

"Cool!" Saya hugged the sword.

"And that's George's heart-crystal thing on the handle."

"EEEUUUGH!" Saya dropped the sword like it had herpes. "Warn me next time! I think I'm gonna be sick!"

"Yeah, whatever," David rolled his eyes and turned to depart. "Have fun with it! Make sure to use it responsibly!"

"Sure, sure." Once David had disappeared, Saya turned to Haji with a mischievous look in her eye. "Haji! Piss me off so I can try out my new sword!"

"Um…" Haji took several moments to think up an appropriate insult. "Diva's prettier than you."

A dead silence descended over the entire boat. Emphasis on DEAD.

"…I might have gone a liiiittle too far on that last one," Haji said quietly.

"Yeah, you might have," Saya agreed, then charged at him, screaming bloody murder. "Yaaaaaa- hey, this handles really well- aaaaaaaaahhh!!" She managed to cut his arm with the tip of the blade.

"And it super-sharp, too!" Haji added cheerfully. Saya stopped her attack and gazed at her new sword.

"If I kill Diva with this…it'll finally be over!" She declared. Haji kneeled in front of her, a knight before his lady.

"Yes, and I will be with you until the end!" He promised valiantly.

"…You bowin' or trying to peek under my skirt?" Saya was no fool.

"…Both, actually."

Smack!

Make that a perverted knight and his rather violent lady.

-Later…-

"Everyone, come quick!" David hollered across the boat, making everyone jump in surprise.

"What, you managed to keep something down?" Louis asked. David glared.

"No! Just come to the medical ward! Something's happening!" Everyone grumbled a bit, but headed over anyway. David faced the small group and smiled.

"You won't believe what's happened," he told them. "It's a miracle!"

"M.J.'s back?!" Kai gasped in delight.

"…Alright, someone shut him up," David said firmly.

"I'm on it." Louis began backing his hindquarters toward Kai for another sitting lesson while he shrieked in horror.

"Here's the good news: Riku's waking up!" David declared to the group. Everyone pressed their faces against the glass and stared in as Riku's eyes slowly fluttered open and looked over at them sleepily.

"BOO!!" Kai hollered, slamming himself up against the glass and making a hideous face. Riku spasmed in fright and fell from the bed, his heart monitor going wild.

"Aaaaaugh!"

"That's it! I'm handcuffing you to the anchor this time!" David grabbed Kai by the scruff of the neck and began dragging him away.

"Awww, you guys are no fun!"

-Episode 25 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Hmm…not too happy with this one. It was a bit hard to do this episode since it was all talkie talkie and everyone being all emo and mopey. I worked on it a bit extra but still…oh, well. Hopefully there'll be a bit more action next time. Hope you still enjoyed it! Bye!