Charlie had the worst timing ever, in Castiel's opinion. But he couldn't say anything, because Dean was fond of her, and he knew he had to make the effort with her. He stayed quiet, hoping she would leave them alone at least for a while. He'd make amends with her later, when he and Dean were done making up themselves.

'Charlie,' Dean's voice was dangerously low and terse, and Castiel wondered if he too wished, at least for the time being, that Charlie wasn't around to mess up their reunion.

'Want some coffee?' Charlie's voice was overly bright. Castiel wondered if Dean too could see that her need for coffee was a guise for getting more information about the state of their relationship. Charlie didn't leave it long to ask after it, at any rate. 'Hey, so you guys are all made up now, huh? Everything cool between you?'

Dean didn't answer her as Castiel had been expecting. He knew that out of his range of sight, Dean was probably communicating silently with Charlie. Castiel nearly jumped as Dean nuzzled closer, his lips caressing the ex-angel's ear as he whispered.

'Wanna go to our room?'

Castiel didn't miss that Dean had called it "our" room and not "my" room. That meant more than Castiel was capable of making tangible with words. All he could do was nod. Dean immediately let go of his head, one hand stroking down Castiel's shoulder, and then his arm, until he reached his fingers. He slotted them easily into his own, and began to walk across the kitchen, Castiel following willingly, knowing that their room would probably mean some very loud, very enthusiastic sex. He felt giddy as he tried to keep pace with Dean, his legs shaking with anticipation. This was how the hunter communicated best.

'Oh, come on guys, I wanna talk. It's not easy being the fifth wheel, you know.'

Castiel had never considered that Charlie might have felt lonely being around them, even with Dean not talking to him. Maybe Dean had always suspected it and that was why he was more tolerable of her being around them? Castiel felt as though he was learning a lot, being human.

'So go pick up some chick,' Dean shrugged carelessly, tugging at Castiel's hand. The ex-angel knew he wasn't mad at Charlie. He must have just been preoccupied.

'Can I come with you guys?'

'No!'

Castiel was surprised at his own vehemence, which was echoed in Dean's tone. It wasn't that he disliked Charlie, not at that point, but couldn't she see how important it was that they spent some time together? Dean continued to wordlessly insist on pulling Castiel out of the door, squeezing his fingers once more. This time, Castiel squeezed back tentatively, wondering if Dean were trying to communicate something by doing so. All thoughts of Charlie were dismissed as the two of them walked down the hallway to their room, and instead Castiel became preoccupied with what Dean was thinking. Anticipation of what could happen made his chest buzz, constricted his breathing. Would the hunter kiss him again the way he had in that fantasy world? Or would he let loose further, and give Castiel some of the most mind-blowing sex he'd ever experienced? Whatever Castiel had said a moment before didn't negate the fact that he wanted Dean to touch him, to be physical with him. He needed to know that this was definitely real.

Castiel followed Dean into the room, noticing that someone had cleared away the beeping machine from the side of the bed. He squeezed Dean's fingers gently, hoping that whatever the hunter had been indicating by doing so to him was what he was communicating back, or attempting to, at least. Dean didn't respond, and when Castiel looked at him, his expression was akin to shell-shock. Castiel instantly wanted to know what was making Dean react so badly, and then he talked himself into asking. Dean had said it was okay, that it was what he wanted. Castiel was just going to have to figure out the fine line of asking his boyfriend questions and not being too demanding.

'Dean?' Castiel was still hesitant. Dean would answer, wouldn't he? 'What're you thinking about right now?'

Dean exhaled slowly through his mouth, but responded fairly normally, all things considered.

'I was thinking that every now and then, it surprises me, the way Becky's changed. I don't mean the Becky we first saw at her place, I mean the Becky that's been around since she and Sam started going out. I don't know, maybe she's supposed to be with Sam.'

Castiel smiled as Dean turned to look at him. He was complimenting Becky? The real Becky, the one whose soul was pure sunshine, who Castiel had quickly become friends with? Maybe Castiel needed to make his lover worry more often. Dean looked at the bed, and then back to Castiel.

'So, how's being human?' He sounded confident, and Castiel envied that about him. He answered as honestly as he could, though he hadn't given much thought to being human. Maybe it was because the Winchesters - and their friends - had worked for so long to make Castiel adjust to the human way of life that meant some of it came easily. Or maybe it was because Castiel's bloody-minded need for Dean had just made the arbitrary trials of human life seem that much less important. After all, Dean was everything.

'Filthy. And slow. And I'm finding that I can't remember large patches of the days like I used to. I could remember everything, Dean, and now it's a strain,' he realised he sounded petulant, and tried to correct his tone. After all, his misery was over losing time with Dean, not over being human. The irony of losing his memory wasn't lost on Castiel. 'But I'll learn to cope.'

'Don't be a martyr, Cas. It's a big change.'

Castiel nodded in agreement.

'It is, and I'm not pretending it's not hard, but the pay-off is worth it.'

Dean's face moved quickly, from surprise to apprehension to something a little more animalistic. Castiel recognised the expression as one that Dean took on just before kissing him roughly. Castiel was desperate for him to do it, to approach and dominate the ex-angel. He wanted their physical connection more than ever before, to the point that he was debating approaching the hunter himself, reaching through that short inch of height difference to let Dean know exactly what he wanted.

'Cas? I know you don't want to have sex, but um-'

'That's not what I said,' Castiel interrupted hastily, eager for whatever Dean was about to suggest. 'I like sex Dean. Or at least, I've enjoyed it with you. I just don't want our relationship to be entirely about sex, that's all.'

'Cas, it's never been about just sex.'

Castiel heard the sincerity in Dean's tone. How long had he missed that fact? It was slowly becoming obvious that sex was just the easiest way Dean knew to express the feelings that must have been alien to him. He looked into Castiel's eyes, his own seemingly saturated with lust, and Castiel found himself wondering how on earth Dean could be holding back. His self-control was phenomenal, but Castiel was grateful for it. It had been too long since he had been able to look in Dean's eyes like this, where all time stood still and the world just stopped existing and the only thing that mattered was them.

And then Dean was closing the short distance between them, bending Castiel's head back as gently as he could manage with one hand so he had easy access to Castiel's mouth, and the other hand wrapping around Castiel's waist. His breath traced Castiel's face, and it made the ex-angel feel emboldened. Dean had said he could ask for anything, and the hunter would do his best to give him whatever he wanted, hadn't he? As Dean bent closer, he forced the question out.

'Dean?'

Dean paused, not quite touching, but close enough that Castiel felt the sensation of his skin anyway. His eyes were still so intense, and Castiel had to force the words out.

'Could you, um, could you kiss me like you drink a beer?'

Dean raised his head slightly, and Castiel couldn't feel the hunter's skin nearly brushing against his own anymore. Clearly, he was taken aback by the request.

'How do you mean?'

Castiel felt his face burning, but tried to explain what he meant. It seemed so obvious to Castiel what he meant, but there was a chance that Dean wasn't even aware of what he did.

'When you're drinking out of a beer bottle, you do it a certain way, and I just, I always wondered … what it felt like.'

His entire face like it was red hot.

'I don't know what you mean, Cas.'

It was agony trying to get this across. Castiel wished he had never brought it up.

'Just pretend I'm a bottle of beer and you're going to drink me.'

Dean's fingers twitched, and then he was pressing closer again, his mouth pressing gently against Castiel's, his tongue flicking in between Castiel's lips and the ex-angel sighed happily as their kiss quickly progressed, and it was everything Castiel had imagined it would be, everything he had been missing about Dean. Their tongues slid together, moving in a way that was familiar and yet tainted with nostalgia. Dean tasted of bacon and black coffee, and Castiel couldn't think of a better flavour for anything at that moment. Their bodies seemed to mould together, and Castiel could feel Dean's penis, hard and demanding, restrained by his jeans, pressing against Castiel's inner thighs. He was straining against the pants he was wearing too, his legs shaking as his hands caressed Dean's firm chest, their mouths working together, moving on from Castiel's request until he was sure Dean was simulating sex with his mouth.

And then Dean was pulling out of the kiss, even as Castiel fought to keep it going. He knew Dean would probably want to kiss his neck, and normally he loved that but right then, as they were making up, Castiel wanted more mouth-on-mouth action.

'Cas? We're going to have make up sex, right?'

Dean had whispered it, and it sent a shiver up Castiel's spine. Had Dean not realised what he was doing with Castiel's mouth?

'Think we just did.'

Dean smiled slowly, lazily, his gaze dropping to Castiel's neck, and the ex-angel anticipated Dean's next moves.

'We've barely started.'

He brushed his lips slowly down Castiel's neck, and Castiel found himself responding without thinking, arching his neck to allow Dean more room to move, exposing more skin to his lover, feeling Dean's hands slid along his body until his fingers dug into Castiel's hips, pulling him closer. Castiel closed his eyes, loving the feel of Dean's mouth on him, and the feeling that Dean wanted him, was besotted with him.

'You know what?' Castiel whispered as Dean sucked a little on his neck, grazing the skin with his teeth. He felt the sudden need to show Dean that he did pay attention, that he did recognise certain traits of the hunter's. 'You say a lot with your kisses.'

'Mmmm.'

Castiel wasn't sure if Dean was agreeing with him, or if he was vocalising how much he was enjoying working Castiel's neck, but he pressed on like they were having a conversation. He could see the rest of the day going that way; the slow, tantalising kisses punctuated with their conversation as they found their rhythm again. He couldn't wait.

'You do. It's like an entire language. It's why I left the fantasy. That kiss was …'

Dean left his neck alone, and Castiel could feel his eyes burning into him. He had no idea how to describe it, but he could tell Dean wasn't going to speak, not straight away. Castiel cut to the chase, and explained why he left the fantasy land and came back to reality.

'As pleasant as the marriage was, Dean, it was nothing like that. And then things seemed to fall apart once you'd gone. I told him about that kiss and he wasn't- he didn't … he called me a slut.'

Castiel knew that if he reflected on it properly, he'd realise some link between what that kiss had done to him and the way fantasy Dean had suddenly turned on him that went beyond fantasy Dean's jealousy. It was potentially his own conscious giving him more reason to come back, he considered.

Dean - the real Dean - on the other hand, seemed baffled by Castiel's confession.

'You're not a slut, Cas.' His voice was tender, even as he began kissing Castiel's neck again, his fingers working on the hem of his shirt. Castiel shook as Dean's fingertips grazed the skin of his stomach.

'Okay, my powers would be great right now, to just zap off our clothes and get in the bed.' He whispered wistfully. Dean laughed onto his neck, sending vibrations all over Castiel's skin.

'I'm so glad you can't cheat any more,' Dean purred, and stopped kissing his neck to pull Castiel's shirt off. Castiel thought for a moment that he was referring once more to the kiss with Meg, but then realised that Dean was referring to his status as an angel. 'Let's see how long you last without your powers.'

Then Dean was pushing him onto the bed, moving faster than Castiel could anticipate, taking hold of Castiel's bare feet and pulling at the pyjama pants, leaving Castiel naked and aching for Dean on the comforter. He watched as the hunter pulled his own clothes off as quickly as he could, his fingers fumbling on his heavy work boots, and then he was sliding his way over Castiel's body, lowering himself down so their skin made contact. Castiel couldn't help his reactions, which were to shiver once again, and groan loudly. He needed Dean.

'Dean?' He whispered, as Dean got that animalistic gleam in his eye once more.

'Mmmmm.' Dean was clearly preoccupied with Castiel's body. His gaze travelled across the skin of Castiel's neck predatorily.

'I can ask for anything, right?'

He wasn't sure why he was asking, except that he knew Dean would be harder to convince of this matter than he was the kiss request. He had reacted fairly badly the last time this topic had come up after all, and they were completely in "the moment" that time.

'Mmmmm, but please ask for an orgasm right now, because I'm already pretty close.'

Castiel felt Dean move his body, making their groins rub against each other, and he felt his eyes roll back in his head. Dean knew exactly what buttons to push, and Castiel had to force himself to focus once more.

'Can I top? You always do. I know we've tried before, and last time you struggled, but in that fantasy, I did top, and we both liked it, and I think you'd like it with me, at least.'

He spoke fast, hoping it would somehow soften the request, but Dean still groaned, and stopped trying to manipulate his body, nuzzling his head into Castiel's collarbone instead.

'Please, Cas, not now.'

'Why not now?' Castiel persisted, the words jumping from him before he could stop them, before he could consider the fact that this was technically him heaping more pressure on Dean. He rationalised it by considering it them communicating further, removing more elements of confusion between them. Dean had wanted more communication, hadn't he? 'I've tried to understand where you're coming from on this Dean, but I can't. I'm your first boyfriend, but I'm not the first guy you've been with?'

'You're killing the we just made up, lets have crazy sex mood.' Dean ground out into his chest. Castiel heard the warning tone, and tried to rephrase it so that Dean knew it wasn't a pressurised situation. It was him asking. Dean only had to say yes or no, that was all.

'I'm not trying to do that, and I don't want to fall out already, I just want to understand.'

Dean's response was to continue kissing his neck, letting his stubble scratch along the sensitive skin there. Castiel knew exactly what Dean was up to, and he fought to stay in the moment, reverting back to a previous subject.

'Okay, so these kisses are the I'm-avoiding-the-topic variety,' he said in a teasing tone. Dean's response was to nip the part of his neck that had been getting the most attention. Castiel knew he was close to the mark, and continued teasing Dean, glad they were back on track. 'So I have to work out why you're avoiding it. And don't bite me just because I got it right. It's not linked to your father, is it?'

Dean immediately shifted off of Castiel, pulling his clothes back on at the foot of the bed as reason caught up with Castiel. He'd once again gone too far. Was it linked to John? Had he been inappropriate with Dean in ways that Dean had never admitted to before? It would certainly explain his need to hero worship the father who put so much upon him. Castiel knew fear did strange things to humans, his brothers and sisters certainly used that a lot to get what they wanted.

'Dean?' He was hoping Dean would stop putting his clothes back on. They were getting back on track, how could Castiel have gotten it so wrong?

'I don't want to talk about it.' Dean's tone was sulky, rather than angry. Castiel knew he needed to backtrack.

'Did he get to Sam too?'

It slipped out of his mouth before he could stop it. But really, it made sense. John had deprived and abused both boys in so many ways, it wasn't a huge stretch to think he would keep them both in line with sexual dominance. It was an animalistic thing. He wanted to be there for Dean if it was the case, however the hunter would let that happen.

'No. My dad's got nothing to do with it. Almost nothing.'

Dean's tone was hard to read this time, as he pulled his jeans back on. He sat back on the bed, and Castiel scrambled up, over to his lover, determined to make things better somehow. Dean passed him the plaid pants and sweater, and Castiel understood that despite the fact they were both more than ready physically for sex, it wasn't going to happen.

'Please, tell me. It's what I'm here for, right?' Castiel couldn't help but push, trying to crack Dean open. Hadn't they just agreed that it wasn't going to be this hard, ever again? He made a show of putting his clothes back on, letting Dean know that he was doing as the hunter wanted so it was only fair for Dean to talk. The hunter sighed heavily, but he did comply.

'Look, I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of, Cas. But some things I just had to do. Like earning the money to help Sam get through Stanford. He never asked where the money came from, I think he thought it was a grant, maybe. But I could only get so many fake credit cards, lose so many poker games, behind Dad's back anyway. It was easy money, you know?'

Castiel was listening hard. From what he could gather, Dean was saying that their father's overbearing nature had led to him going behind John's back in order to give Sam what he wanted, even at the cost of himself. That was so Dean, to put someone else before himself, to consider his own needs last. He wished he'd been assigned Dean earlier, to save him from this kind of fate. Dean wasn't done talking, however. It was as though the floodgates had been opened.

'Women don't really pay for sex, surprisingly. Or maybe I needed to go to an agency and end up on some Fed book somewhere and ruin the real job. Whatever. I just wanted to help Sammy, even when he ditched us, when he ditched me. He has no idea, and you can't tell him, okay? But when someone's paying you for sex, you don't call the shots so …'

Dean apparently had no intention of finishing that sentence. But Castiel understood, and he knew that Dean was saying that there was too strong an association for him to be able to bend to that whim, at least for the time being. Castiel watched as Dean worked his knuckles into the muscles of his legs, and found himself slipping behind Dean, caressing his shoulders gently, trying to somehow fix the damage he'd once again caused.

'I'm sorry, Dean.'

'Uh-huh.' Dean still sounded annoyed. But he wasn't walking away, and Castiel decided to hold onto that fact. This was still salvageable. They were still salvageable.

'If I still had my powers, I'd take all those memo-'

'Don't even go there. Learn from this, Cas.' Dean's tone was final. Castiel couldn't understand why Dean would want to hold on to the bad memories, but maybe it was a human thing to only remember certain parts of your life? So maybe Dean's response was entirely human, to want to cling on to whatever memories he could. After all, Castiel wanted to keep hold of every memory of Dean.

'I just want to look after you, Dean.' He said quietly, and kissed the back of Dean's head, through his hair. It was like a magic touch, Because Dean leaned back immediately, letting Castiel continue kissing him gently, his head burrowed in Castiel's chest as the ex-angel lavished attention on him. It felt right, to remind Dean that Castiel ultimately just wanted the intimacy with him. Even if his penis was still throbbing with need.

'You're looking after me right now,' Dean's voice sounded choked with emotion. Castiel knew to tread carefully. He nodded, and tried again, tentatively. Maybe he was thinking with his penis, as Dean would put it.

'It can be a litmus test for us, maybe? When you really trust me again, when you're ready to put it all behind you, then you'd let me try?'

Dean looked down at his own hands as he considered the question. Castiel knew he might not want to, but the fact that Dean was taking the time to at least think about it was a huge step forward. Whatever the response might be, Castiel knew that he would have to accept it, and even if the answer wasn't no, he would still have to tread lightly, and accommodate for what Dean was comfortable with.

Dean's gaze flicked back to Castiel's, and his mossy green eyes seemed to stretch on forever. Castiel felt like he was falling down a tunnel just looking into them.

'Yes.'

He didn't sound confident, and Castiel knew the yes was loaded with conditions. But ultimately, it wasn't about Dean agreeing to let him top, it was about the fact that Dean cared for him enough to let him try. Castiel tried to smile at him, before he bent down and kissed his boyfriend on the forehead again, trying to let him know without wasting the words just how much he loved him.