All I could say is that breastfeeding effing hurts... So, let's get back to the story!
Chapter 24: Don't hold back. Live
It's nearly the end of October, and that stupid diary remains untouched, and so has my interactions with my mom, Jasper, my little sister, and a few others. The only person I'm actually talking to is Esme, my therapist. As much as I can't stand talking to a complete stranger about my problems, Esme is different. She's actually a really nice lady. When it comes to shrinks, I always thought they were money hungry people who would pester their patients with stupid questions and give bad advice. I was wrong...well, I was wrong about Esme. Yea, we're on first name bases now.
"Checkmate!" I giggled, knocking over Esme's white king. It's the third game I've won so far. I've never played chess before until Esme showed me how.
"Oh, you got me again!" she laughed, her honey brown eyes gleaming with joy. "How are you getting so good at it?"
It was my turn to laugh.
"You're the one who taught me, remember?" I reminded her, anxious for another round. "And I could easily tell where you're going to move your pawns right before you touch them."
"Really, now?" she gasped, dramatically holding a hand to her chest. "Are you a psychic, Alice?"
"No..." I answered, "From the amount of times we've been playing this, your moves are so predictable."
She and I both laughed.
I don't remember the last time I laughed this much. Ever since the "tragedy", it wasn't easy getting me to laugh or even crack a tiny smile. When Jasper walked into my life, it got a little better. He and I shared a couple of laughs every now and then, but I still manage to let my past haunt me. When he blabbed to my mom, I honestly swear I was going to die of pure misery. Everyone knew, and their pain adds more weight on my already frail shoulders. I wanted to give up. Luckily for me, my mom enlisted me in therapy. I didn't want to go, but thank goodness I was forced, otherwise I wouldn't be laughing my ass off with this amazing therapist.
My time with Esme started off a bit rocky, but as weeks flew by, she and I have been getting along very well. The only thing that was kind of bothering me was the untouched diary she'd given me. It's still sitting on my dresser.
"So, Alice.." she said, the laughter dying away as we began to re-position our chess pieces. "It's almost Halloween."
"Yes, it is." I answered, my mind wondering how time flew by so quickly. "What about it?"
"Do you have any plans?"
I shrugged. Halloween has never sparked an interest in me. The only times I would partake in that holiday is when I take my sister trick or treating.
"No plans at all?" pressed Esme, resetting her pawns on the board.
"I'm only taking my sister around the neighborhood." I replied, my good mood slowly disappearing.
"That's it?"
"Mhmm."
"No friends to celebrate it with?"
I shrugged again. Sure I have friends, but I refuse to see any of them. Especially Jasper.
"I'll just eat candy with my sister." I muttered, a frown forming on my lips.
"Have I upset you, Alice?" Esme asked, concern written in her tone. Her warm hand reached over to touch mine. I didn't move. "Alice, is it alright if you'd do something for me?"
I nodded, my eyes locking with hers as I felt her fingers gently stroke tiny circles on the back of my hand.
"Despite everything that has happened to you.." she said, her honey eyes tender with sincerity, "will you at least try to enjoy yourself, please?"
"Enjoy myself?" I asked, smirking. "Esme, it's only Halloween. I'm taking my little sister trick or treating. Cynthia is the one who'll enjoy herself."
"Don't be silly, Alice." Esme smiled, "I only asked your sake. You're a beautiful young woman. You have so much to live for than misery. Just watching you laugh as you did today with me, proves you are worthy of happiness. So please, don't hold back and live. Enjoy yourself!"
Esme gave my hand a final squeeze, and with that our session was over. On the ride home, my mother kept speaking to my little sister, who is babbling away about her costume. Mother kept stealing glances at me in the rear view mirror. She smiled at me a little, and I was feeling a bit uncomfortable. I know there's no reason to feel that way. She is my mother after all. My thoughts went back to Esme's words. Don't hold back and live. I stared back into that rear view mirror, and locked eyes with my mother. You are worthy. A small smile forms on my lips, and I'm no longer uncomfortable. I begin to feel a tinge of hope.
Maybe Esme is right. I can't hold back anymore. I can be happy.
It's the 31st already. My little sister dances around me in her pink fairy princess costume while my mother snaps a few pictures of us with her camera. I laugh, also twirling in my yellow fairy costume.
"Both of you look so stunning!" my mother chirps, my cheeks flushing as Cynthia's smiles toothlessly at her. "Mary Alice, wave your wand at your sister! And Cynthia stop dancing!"
"But we're fairy princesses, mommy!" argued Cindy. "Fairies can't be still!"
"She's got a point, mom!" I laughed, gracefully swatting my little sister with my sparkly wand. "Fairies can't stay in one place."
Mother laughed along and continued to snap pictures of us. After the photo session, it was now time to go trick or treating. I hurried Cynthia to grab her pumpkin basket and meet me outside on the porch. Just before I could step outside, a soft hand touched my arm. I turned to my mother, who had a sad yet loving smile on her beautiful face.
"My baby girl..." she whispered to me, her fingers lightly caressing my cheek. "I know I haven't been the world's greatest mom to you..."
Her voice broke and I swallowed the lump forming in my throat. Her eyes watered as she tucked a stray curl behind my ear.
"I do love you, Mary." She told me. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there to protect you..."
"It's fine, mom..." I assured her, not caring that my own tears could ruin my make-up. "It's not your fault. You're still the best mom ever. You're only worried."
"I still am, baby." she confessed. "I worry everyday for you and Cynthia. I don't want anyone hurting my babies."
I wrapped my arms around her, honestly not caring if I'm smudging her clothes with my make-up or sparkles from my dress. At this moment, I wanted her to be okay. I also wanted her to know that I'm okay. Nothing will ever hurt us again.
"I love you, mommy." I whispered, holding her tightly. "I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I was scared you'd hate me."
"Why would I hate you?" lamented my mother while placing kisses on the side of my head. "There's nothing in this world that could make me hate someone as precious as you. You've done nothing wrong, baby. I love you so much. I love you and your sister. You're both my greatest gifts."
"I wanna hug too!" squealed Cynthia, who finally made her appearance. "I feel left out!"
The heart to heart was over. Sorrow turned to laughter once more when Cynthia flung her little arms around us. We finally broke apart and mom shrieked when she realized I ruined my mascara.
"My hard work!" she joked, using her shirt to wipe off a smudge of it on my nose. "There, there! You're beautiful! Go, go! Get out of my house but be safe!"
I smiled at her, taking my sister's hand, promising safety.
"Ready to go, Cindy?" I asked the excited little fairy, bouncing at my side.
"Candy!" giggled Cynthia, dragging me out of our lawn to terrorize our neighborhood.
After deciding that we've had enough candy, Cynthia and I walked back home. Mother had supper ready and apple cider before we could indulge ourselves with candy.
"I'll trade you a reeses for a crunch!" squealed Cynthia, her big round eyes glued on my basket.
"That's all?" I tease her, almost laughing when her bottom lip trembled. "Do you take me for a fool?"
"I'll add a kit-kat bar too." she grumbled adorably.
"You've got yourself a deal."
We traded chocolates and I laughed when she ravaged her reeses cup. I don't even like reeses cups, but she thinks I do. I enjoy messing with her. Cynthia and I continued bargaining until the doorbell startled us.
"I think those are more trick or treaters." my mother said, unwrapping one of the sweets I gave her. "I've already ran out of candy."
"In that case, I'll get the door and disappoint them." I told her. "I'll be right back."
I made my way to the door, feeling slightly guilty that I'll upset some children.
Unlocking the door and with my other hand on the handle, I pulled it open.
"I'm sorry, there's no more..." I began to say, but was cut off when I saw those amazing blue eyes smiling down at me. My heart started to pound hard in my chest, and suddenly I forgot how to breathe.
Before me stands the most beautiful cowboy I have ever seen. I'm at lost for words. My Jasper is back.
"Hey, darlin'." Jasper drawled. "Happy Halloween."
I feel my cheeks flood with warmth as he bends forward, tipping his hat. He slowly stands upright again, his eyes never leaving mine.
"I've missed you, darlin'." he confessed to me. "I wanted to see you."
I said nothing. All I did was stare at him in disbelief. Is he really here?
"Please forgive me, Alice." Jasper pleaded, holding his hat to his heart like a southern gentleman. "I was only trying to help you. I'm very sorry."
I could hear Esme's words playing in my head over and over again. Don't hold back and live. Don't hold back and live. As I stare at this sweet man, begging for my forgiveness, those words are all I could think about. There are so many things I want to say to him, but nothing is coming out. I want to be angry with him, but I can't seem to find a good reason to be angry with him. Don't hold back and live. Be happy.
"I know you were." I said, surprising myself and feeling a bit lightheaded in the process. "I can't be mad at you for caring, Jasper."
His mouth opened to utter another word, but I put a stop to it when I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around him. I caught him off guard, but he responded by wrapping his own strong arms around me. His hands cradled the small of my back, under my wings, and I felt his fingers caressing me there. Softly.
Okay! Happy New Years! And every other holiday I've missed! Next chapter will be a real treat! :)
Gotta go!