Authors Note:

More Drama Baby!

But wohow… who loved the shower scene last night??? *hands up in the air* I adore it and maybe I seem addicted now (what I am to confess)… I watched it over and over again! When I first saw it I was like: no way! Oh my god, yes!!! Unfortunately the only real screen time of them together, but I'm a lil bit satisfied and hope there will be more next week!

I'm sorry I know this is about fanfiction here, but wow was I crashed when I say this!! =)

And here's another Chapter… something you might kill me for… but remember… you love this… okay???

Hopefully you'll have a nice weekend ;-) We'll see us here again very soon, because I feel better and I want to write and write and write after the pause I had. I just need to time.

And this is still Cat Power – "Don't explain"

So, hopefully we'll read us soon again ;-)

-Sun

Chapter 25 – Don't explain

I ask myself how relationships really end. And why they do.

I mean there are a lot of connections to friends, to family members, to colleagues, to lovers and sometimes to strangers too. But every time you think your life is great something happens and then you're standing in the dark, left alone, remaining alone and your only company are your thoughts.

And thoughts are the worse killers. You can do something against almost everything, against every one. But you can't to something against your thoughts. And each time I was left my thoughts were killing me slowly if no one was there to catch my shattered pieces and put them back together.

Now there's another break up, another breaking heart, another night I spent with my thoughts. But I'm scared that I won't survive this night. If I'm not drowning in my tears I'll die because of a broken heart for sure. Without her I die.

Very often I was lost… but this time…

Her existence is my hope.

Her absence is my sorrow.

Unless you're mine

don't explain

A few hours earlier…

Mark once said to me when I was crying over Erica again I should have sex with someone, because sex was a lot better than chocolate.

Sex was developed for sad people to get happy again. It was something why he's happy all the time, running around with a big smile plastered on his face. Well, I knew the magic of sex, it was really not bad. But I never really believed him that it was something to wash away your bad feelings and instead feed you with enormous happiness instead.

But now, wow… I guess I'm the "next Seattle Grace top Arizona Robbins" the way the other doctors and interns are looking at me. During the operation I grinned like a Cheshire cat and with my smile I could have blind whole Seattle.
After I finished the operation I'm removing my clothes now with someone more beautiful to make Arizona gasp another time again when I arrive home in a few minutes, but before I could leave the hospital Mark is catching up with me.

"Hey Cheshire Cat."

I look at him, raising my eyebrow. I could shoot something back, but I'm just too happy to be sarcastic.

"Wait… No snappish reply? What's wrong with you???"

I laugh at this comment and reply with a simple "Nothing."

"You scare me… you really do. Yesterday you left crying your heart out and I thought I would never see you again, and today you are…" He says, until he stops abruptly, smiling as he realized what changed my mood so suddenly.

"She left right after you… So… she was following you… that means something very dirty happened… let my try… I know it!!! You had reconciliation sex yesterday!!!"

I don't need to answer; my grin is answer enough.

"Oh god… I'm good… Call me Holmes… Mark Holmes… But… wow… that means…?"

I nod slightly. "Yes… we are back together!" He hugs me happily.

"Thank god! It took long enough. Even Yang missed your perky relationship. We all missed you and your little happy – maker. But… does she remember?"

The most important question and I wished I could give him the right answer, but unfortunately there's nothing I can tell him happily now.

"No, she doesn't… but I'll tell her when I'm back… I'll head home and I'll tell her right away, because she needs to know so we can go on where we stopped. And maybe then… we can live the life we wanted…"

I say with one of those happy smiles of those happy people who believe in a perfect life without pain and sorrow. But I want it. I want a life with her so much, that I forget about my fears and instead believe in all the good things.

I believe in all the good things…

My love, my love, my love

don't explain

As I open the door I still wear the smile on my face, but I can sense something different. Usually the loud music is smashing, capturing my body when I'm entering the apartment and she sings along right before she's trying to drown out the music and reach my ears. But now there's nothing, but killing silence and then I see her in front of me. She's just sitting there on a chair, watching everywhere and nowhere at all and there's something else. A bag. A full bag.

"Ari?!" I ask, but she's not answering, she's even not really looking up.

"What's wrong, Ari?" And finally she stands up to face me. I can see her red and puffy eyes and I ask myself what happened. As always when see her smile and tense that something is wrong I walk up to her, because I want to protect her, I want to hold her and tell her everything is going to be fine. But this time she won't let me.

This time she's taking a step away from me and she is raising her arms to show me I have to stay away from her.

"Ari… what's wrong… please talk to me…"

I try everything, and my heart is pounding heavily in my chest, in a furious and bad way, a way that makes me to throw up, because I know there's something wrong. Something big, something that's breaking my heart and my back.

And then I suddenly hear her voice, as fragile as her body. Breaking me into two. It's just the beginning, but it's hurtful, because I know it's my fault. It's my entire fault and I can't do anything against it. I can't deny it, I can't lie, and I can't do anything to feel better. Because I destroyed the only thing that made me feels good, because I was scared, because I lied.

"I… I asked myself from the beginning why all the clothes matched me so perfectly…" She said and tears are leaving my eyes as they leaving hers.

"Ari… please… I can explain it… I really can… Just…"

"And I… I asked myself all the time how you knew all those things for example how I drink my coffee, how to soothe me and what I like the most… I thought it was luck… I thought you just knew… I never thought about that…" She sighed and filled her lungs with thick air, and how she breathes, with so much pain. I can't take it. I want to go to her, but she's stopping me again. Pushing me away from her and I never thought she would have such strength.

There is nothing with me not to gain

"Your Dad called…" She suddenly says and my eyes are widening.

"… he wants you to call him. Yeah, he is really worried, because you haven't told him about the hostage your girlfriend where involved in. Oh… wait… he wasn't the only one you haven't told anything…"

"Ari… please…"

Her voice is full of hurt and I can't bear the thought that it's my fault. It's my entire fault she stands there in front of me crying and I wish I could take her pain away with just one kiss.

"Why… why did you lie? Why didn't you tell the truth… Callie, why?"

You know that I love you
Look at what lovin' has done

I want to answer her and with my reply I want to tell her everything I feel. But there are only a few sentences I bring out. I love her, she should know. She should see what my love to her has done. What I have done to her. Oh god I hate myself so much for hurting her.

"Ari… you have to believe me. It has never been my intension to hurt you. But when you woke up and you didn't remember my face or something else I didn't know what to do. I was scared you won't understand and realize it when I told you we were girlfriends. I was scared you won't survive this shock and you won't come back to me. I was scared about so many things and so I decided to be there for you and help you and maybe you would remember on your own… Ari… I wanted to tell you the whole time and I tried… I really tried, but it was so difficult… You don't know how much I regret what I did… But I tried to tell you this morning and then…"

I lay my heart out in front of her and I tell her the truth, but she interrupts me with sad eyes, blue eyes, hurt eyes.

I wish there would be something I could do and I'm shattering, because I caused all of this. I caused the pain when I told myself I'd never hurt her again. I promised myself I would be there for her and fix her, how she fixed me and how she was there for me. But what have I done? What has my love done to her?

"I don't want to hear it… I don't want to hear that you almost told me, Calliope… I don't want to hear any of that... because…" Her breaths heavily like she's not able to breathe anymore. "…because I guess you don't know how this is… you really don't understand…"

All my thoughts were real and so sincere
I was so completely yours
you know, I hear folks cha-cha-chatter
And I know you cheat

(Arizona's pov)

I often hear people say, in reality or in movies or in songs and books; they wish they wouldn't remember anything. They say they want to forget anything in their life, at most the bad things.

People, who never lost their memories, say things like that. Human beings who had to deal with something like that would never say or think about it that way.

I want to remember and I need to remember.

I want to know everything.

I want to know about my first wrecked birthday party and about the first kiss I regretted, about fights with my parents, about tears I shared with friends and tears I had to deal with alone. I want to remember me loosing something important, being a looser in school and getting my first F. I want to remember my first break – up and arguments I had with my love. I want to remember everything and I want to feel the pain again. I would give everything away to feel the pain again, because after the pain the good things, the joy and the beauty are following.

I need to remember the first time I kissed Calliope and how I met her, how we fight about something maybe unimportant and how we talked it out. I want to remember the first time we slept with each other, confessing our love in such a beautiful and pure way. I want to remember each night she held me in her arms, each time I heard her voice.

But there's nothing. There's a dark hole and I guess no one really understands how this is feeling. It's horrible… It's breathe taking in a worse way and I can't believe what she did. I try to understand, but I can't. I can't even I try to. I gave her everything. My heart, my soul, my belief and my love, but she lied.

There's a feeling.

Betrayal.

I feel betrayed like she cheated on me, defrauded of the truth and it hurts. It hurts so much that I can't even look her in the eyes completely and as much I want to be with her and share my tears with her; as much as I want to survive this with her. I can't.

"You just had to tell me… You… just had… to tell…"

I don't want to say all those things and make it sound like reproaches, but I can't stop myself like she couldn't stop herself from hiding the truth. I'm too hurt to lie and hide how I feel.

"You don't know how it is to life in the dark and how terrifying it is not to know anything and then to realize everyone knew… Everyone… except of you… imagine that and you know how I feel, Calliope…I… I didn't know what happened to me… I didn't know anything… I…"

Tears are streaming down my face. Tears I share with her, but I can't anymore. I can't even look her in the eyes; even she is everything I want to look at.

But the knowledge that they know, her and everyone else, is a thought I can't take. And because of that I can't stay.

"Where do I live? I guess you know it?!"

I say in a bittersweet tone and the hurt expression on her face lets me know, that she is feeling just the same. Hurt is a feeling we both know oh so well.

I was completely hers. But now I'm nothing anymore.

Right or wrong

right now doesn't matter

"What?" Her voice is low, like it's broken.

"I want my keys. My keys to my house and my car… I want my keys to every thing… I want everything… You have them? Well we were girlfriends so I guess you have them…"

"Why do you want them? You… You don't need them, Arizona. You can stay here… please just stay…"

Her voice sounds broken.

Broken like mine.

"I don't want. I want my keys…" I say with every emphasis I have in my small and fragile body.

And there it is in her eyes, fading hope, as she walk to a shelve taking a bundle of keys I've never seen before in my life, walking up to me. And she gives them to me with shaking hands; her whole body is trembling, and as our hands are touching a slight moment I think about staying. I want to feel her again, but I couldn't like I shouldn't.

All I really want is leaving and hiding forever.

"Where do you want to go?" She asks anxious.

"I… I don't know… It doesn't really matter…"

"Arizona, that's not right… You shouldn't be doing this…"

"What I shouldn't do?? Let's better not talk about that, because wrong was what you did. But Right or wrong doesn't matter anymore… I just want to get out of here…"

You're here with me,

sit down,

have a seat

(Calliope's pov)

In my life I cried a lot.

I cried about monsters under my bed, about nightmares, about school, family, wrong friends.

I cried myself into sleep because of people cheating on me and leaving abruptly my life when I gave everything of mine away. I cried about a lot of things.

And I cry now, but for the first time I feel dirty and hurt like that, hurt by my own self. There are things I've done wrong and I've done a lot of mistakes.

I cry because I've hurt her deeply and that's something I can't forgive myself.

But I need to try. I need to make her stay, because without her all of this isn't worth it. It never has been.

"Please, Ari… sit down… have a seat… and let's talk… please just stay… I know what I did was wrong, I regret it… believe me… I regret it so much… but I know we can work through it… we worked through many things."

It's your time to feel the pain
It's your time to weep,

don't explain

(Arizona's pov)

"Stop! Stop it… I don't want to hear it… because that's it… we worked through things I DON'T KNOW! YOU worked through things with someone I don't know. YOU worked through those things, not WE…"

It's the first time I scream. The first and the last time, because I can't stand the sound of my own voice. I try to stop the voices coming in, letting me know that I'm standing here in the room of my 'girlfriend', in the room of the woman I felt in love with within 11 days, in the room of someone I don't really know. I stand here, knowing my name, but nothing else. There are pictures, sticking in my head, old pain I feel again without even knowing what it was. I remember things. I remember what happened to me and it scares me away.

It's a shock I need to get over and I ask myself how all of this could happen.

All I want to do is hiding, never coming out of my own made hole again, because I feel like I can't face my real life, the pain. I need time to forget his face; I need time to forget what she did.

"I… I can't stay… I can't be with someone who lied to me, Calliope… I need time for myself… I guess I'll leave and go somewhere no one knows who I am, because I don't know myself, too… I can't be with someone who remembers anything, who knows how we first met and who remembers our first kiss and our first touch, our first night and our first fight… I can't be with you if I'm not remembering on my own…"

Hush now,

Don't explain

(Callie's pov)

"I… I could remember for both of us…" I say with a whisper and with my eyes I plead and beg her to say yes. I need her to stay, because I know I can do it better. I can change; I can make it worth for her to stay. I know I'm going to be able to make her remember, because I will tell her everything. Every single detail.

I will tell her all the things she wants to know, until she remembers on her own, until she tells me she still wants to share her life with me.

I'll be there when she remembers. Oh god, I will tell her everything.

"I… will show you how we first kissed and how we first met and I'll show you how we spent our first night together… I will show you everything…"

But she's not ready. She's can't do all of this, and even it hurts to see her grab her beg I understand.

"I have to go." She says and even I understand I don't want her to leave. It feels like if she's going to leave this room now it will end.

There is nothing within me now to gain
I'm gonna skip instead

She's going, without saying a word and without looking at me, because her eyes are still filled with salty tears. But even she's not looking at me, I look at her all the way and I can't bear the thought of her leaving my apartment and so I grab for her hand and spin her around.

I don't let her go as she's standing in front of me, fighting with my hands and my whole body which is pressed against hers, but I'm strong. I'm too strong for her and I realize she doesn't really try to escape my touch after I'm looking her deeply in the eyes.

And I move forward to her trembling lips and I touch her skin firmly with my also trembling lips and I kiss her face, hover over her salty tears and I hear her sigh right before I kiss her tenderly.

I guess it's the tenderest and desperate kiss we ever shared, because both of our cheeks are wet and we are exhausted from all the crying. But with this kiss we share all the feelings that haunts us and I feel how she's dropping her beg and wrapping her arms around me instead.

I push her against my body and I try to get her as close as possible. Our lips are grazing each others and breathe gets something we both don't really need anymore. All I need is her and everything else gets something unimportant.

Electric rushes are filling my body, making my heart jump and I can't think of someone else making me feel like this, even it turns out to be an angry kiss, a battle of our mouths and our tongues.

With this kiss she shows me how much she wants me, but also how much I hurt her, but as I touch her hair and as I stroke her blond ocean firmly I want her to know what I would do for her.

And I hate it as our kiss stops and my lips are aching for hers. I need to be connected to her.

Never had I felt so pure about someone, about a kiss. It feels like her lips, she, was made for me. Mark always explains me that some things are to corny to be said, but I don't mind about it, as long as I can be corny about, with her.

But there it is, the same look printed on her face and she steps away. It's when I realize that this is goodbye.

It has been goodbye.

"When you go, I'll die…" I whisper more to myself than to her, but she looks at me in a way I can't interpret.

"I'm sorry… I… I can't…" Is the last thing before she's leaving me on my own.

Don't explain

And my screams are filling the raising night like my love screamed for her and my heart pleaded and begged her to come back. But she didn't.

She would never come back, because I destroyed it with one simple mistake.

Don't explain