That week becomes known to us as the Great Meltdown. After it I am good, I think my meltdown was just because everyone else lost it and I couldn't cope. Peeta takes a week or so to get his strength back but he doesn't have any more flashbacks and his nightmares aren't too bad either.

Johanna and Haymitch are still in limbo though, clearly just hanging around waiting for Ella to return. Left to his own devices Haymitch would probably just keep drinking, but we all watch him like a hawk and I think he appreciates how close he came. Johanna lays into him, guilting him into not drinking himself to death as what would it do to Ella to come back and find him cold and dead? We all agree his body would never decompose though, not given the amount of preservative in his system. Is it wrong that we find this funny? When I try talking to him he waves me away. 'Sweetheart, touching as your concern is, I'm fine.' When I raise my eyebrows in disbelief he waves his hand in the direction of Ella's bag. 'You were right, she'll come back' is all he says, but I believe him. I don't ask what she had been holding on to that makes him so sure and he doesn't offer to show me, but he seems calmer so I feel better about him. I realise I never told Peeta I still have the pearl he gave me on the beach. I still don't tell him.

The other thing Johanna does, and I don't know if this is to distract Haymitch or herself, is starting to fix all the broken furniture in his house and yard. He doesn't really help exactly but he watches her and shouts things at her as she works. She gets some wood from the building work in town and has other supplies sent on the train. She saws and sands and varnishes. She also helps Peeta out by chopping some of the wood for the bakery ovens. One day Thom comes over to see Peeta and talk about how many more refugees the district can take. He sees Johanna swinging her axe in the middle of our street and asks if he can have a go. He splits five logs in quick succession then stands back proudly. 'That feels better' he says and looks calmer as he goes to talk to Peeta. After that Peeta says he brings his own axe to the bakery and chops wood there a couple of times a week when he's not in the Capitol. You can take the miner out of the mines... I keep a mental list of everyone's different coping mechanisms. Mine and Peeta's are still the weirdest; sitting in cupboards and frosting cakes.

One thing Peeta does after his meltdown is take someone else on at the bakery. Peeta feels bad that Rory not only looked after him during his flashbacks him but also had to run the bakery, and he's still just a kid. So Peeta ropes in a woman called Andrea who had come from district 13. He got chatting to her when she came in to buy bread one day. Apparently she had worked in the kitchen in 13 for a while but had been kicked out and given cleaning duties as she'd consistently used too much salt in the stew despite several warnings. Peeta had always thought the food there needed more salt so he offered her work straight away. She is a kind, motherly woman who has somehow managed to stay comfortingly plump even on the meagre rations in 13. She and her husband Zac never had children of their own, Peeta thought she couldn't like many of the women from her district though this was just speculation, but she enjoys mothering Peeta and Rory and anyone else who comes into the shop. I am a bit sharp with her at first as she fusses around me but however rude I am she doesn't seem to get offended, she just gradually learns when to leave me alone and never to tell me I am too thin. It only takes a week or so before she silently puts a cheese bun on the counter for me when I pop in looking for Peeta and doesn't make eye contact or ask me how I am unless I initiate the interaction.

Ella is gone for about a month. I'm hunting when she returns so I only have Peeta's description of what happened when she turned up. I realise she's back when I see the stones on her letter rock have been piled up again. I sprint back, running all the way back to the village. Apparently Haymitch and Johanna had been spending the day fixing a broken table and were shouting at each other, something to do with the legs not being even. I think Haymitch said Johanna had replaced the broken leg with one that was too short which Johanna vehemently denied, saying it was Haymitch's floor that was wonky. Peeta said he'd been sitting listening to them bicker next door for nearly an hour when it suddenly when quiet. He'd been half way through making a cake but dropped what he was doing and ran straight over. Before he got in the door the shouting started again, he heard Johanna screaming. His eyes darkened when he told me this and I remember what Johanna once said to me, that she knew Peeta by his screams. I imagine it was reciprocal. Anyway, he dashed in expecting to see her curled up in a ball, rocking and seeing nothing. Instead she was shrieking at Ella, smacking her arms, her face, her back, anywhere that Ella wasn't protecting. Peeta said he was stunned and just stood watching. It took him a couple of minutes even to realise Haymitch was doing the same, but with a massive grin on his face. 'Don't stop them' he mouthed to Peeta when he noticed him watching. 'This is hot'. So they just stood and watched until Johanna had got out all her anger and collapsed to the floor sobbing and hugging Ella. 'Don't you ever leave me again you crazy bitch' she cried as Ella stroked her hair. 'Can't promised won't leave. Promise will always come back' was Ella's response.

I arrived not long after, out of breath and sweaty despite the chill in the air. I went straight to Haymitch's and found the four of them sitting cross legged on the floor in a circle. Ella jumps up and walks over to me holding out my bow. 'Sorry' she says. I hold hers out to her. 'Trade?' I suggest. We swap back, each of us involuntarily sighing a little at the familiarity of our own weapons then I suddenly realise we are hugging. Ella's hair smells of earth and autumn. 'It's good to have you back' I say, meaning it, not sure when she became important to me.

Ella sits back down and I sit down between Peeta and Haymitch. 'Why are you sitting like school kids?' I ask, feeling I've walked into the middle of something. 'We're filling Ella the possum in on the rebellion' says Johanna. I have a sinking feeling that I shouldn't have run back from the woods. I wouldn't have minded missing this. 'How far have you got?' I ask without enthusiasm.

'I'm drying out in 13, you're probably mentally unstable in a cupboard somewhere and these two are being tortured' Haymitch answers bluntly.

I don't think I can listen to this. I get up to go but Peeta pulls me back down. 'I know you don't want to hear this but I need you to. I need you here.'

Johanna reaches out to him from his other side. 'It's ok, Peety, you don't have to say anything. I need to tell El what happened to me but I can leave you out.'

Peeta pulls a face. 'How? I was there. I don't think I could explain what happened to me without talking about you, or Annie. Or even Enobaria really.'

'God, I'd forgotten about that bitch' say Johanna looking up to the ceiling. 'I swear when we were being electrocuted she didn't scream, she growled.'

'Or howled. She sounded like a wolf. Mostly I wanted to shake her and tell her to shut up.' I see Peeta and Johanna reach for each other's hands and lock fingers, neither of them seeming to realise what they're doing.

'Me too' said Johanna. 'She was so overly dramatic, like she though the cameras were still on her. Freak.' She pauses thoughtfully. 'I feel bad but I sometimes thought that about Annie too' she adds quietly.

Peeta shakes his head. 'No, I never did. I mean her screams were high pitched that's for sure, they were the only ones I could still hear once the hijacking had started, everything else got drowned out somehow. But you were just as shrill.'

'Fuck off, was not' spat Johanna.

Peeta actually laughed. 'No, you were. Same pitch, but different.'

'Don't believe him. He's tone deaf' I interject. Peeta remembers I'm there and turns to address his explanation to me. 'No, they were the same high pitched, girly screams, but Jo's were more angry. Annie's just hurt. I could tell the difference partly because of the order. When we were being questioned and electrocuted they always went in order. Me, Johanna, Annie, Enobaria then me again, no breaks. I don't know if it was just their routine or designed to make it worse as I always knew when it would be my turn.'

'You're lucky' says Johanna, picking at her fingernails now Peeta has removed his hand from hers and is holding mine. 'At least you could wish they kept playing with Enobaria for longer. I couldn't wish that about you.'

Peeta frowned. 'Of course you could, you didn't even know me then.'

Johanna actually laughs at that. 'You dick, I didn't have to know you to know how stupidly fucking nice you are.' She pauses to throw a bit of fingernail at him. 'Fuck wit' she adds for good measure.

'Like you give a shit about nice' Peeta replies throwing her broken nail back at her.

Ella bangs her hands on the floor. 'This is weird. Save self-help for another time. Just tell me what happened.' This makes Haymitch laugh. 'You used to be so caring' he says, amused rather than offended. Ella looks upset though. 'I am. I will be. I just don't understand. Electrocuted why? What is hijacking?' She reaches out her hands to both Peeta and Johanna. 'I promise, I care. Will listen and talk and do whatever you need. Just tell me what happened to you!'

I feel horrible about this and Johanna looks mad, but Peeta seems amused and Haymitch is almost wetting himself. Thank god Dr Aurelius isn't here, I think. We're all mentally incompetent and shouldn't be allowed to do anything serious ever.

I shake my head and squeeze Peeta's hand. 'Are you ok?' I ask, genuinely concerned. He smiles back. 'Actually yes. Sorry if this is weird for you but it's the first time I've been able to talk about what happened without a doctor taking notes or analysing me, and the first time I've talked about it with someone who actually went through it too.' He reaches out for Johanna again without breaking eye contact with me. 'It's strangely freeing.'

'Self-help blah blah blah' interjects Ella, rolling her eyes. 'What is hijacking?'

It's me who loses it with her. 'Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up. It's the worst thing that can possibly happen. It's worse than death. This is all just a story to you but you have no idea. Just shut up. Shut up shut up shut up.'

I repeat myself until I feel arms close in around me, not Peeta's though, Haymitch's. 'Shhh, sweetheart' he whispers in my ear. 'Shhh. Let the boy talk.' He keeps whispering soothing words until I stop crying out. I eventually acquiesce and shake silently in Haymitch's embrace as Peeta talks.

'The first thing I remember after blacking out in the arena after Brutus attacked is waking up in a cold, dark room, though I think my hovercraft-phobia comes from before that, from being picked up and taken to the capitol. The room was the worst though. It felt bad from the start, when I woke up to three peacekeepers kicking me. I was on the floor and the worst thing was not the pain, it was that they had their helmets on. I couldn't see their faces. I couldn't see the looks in their eyes as they kicked the shit out of me. I didn't know if they were enjoying it, if it was just a job to them or what. I don't know which I'd have preferred, but not seeing their faces made it worse somehow. Even so, at least I could focus on the pain. When they left and Johanna started screaming it was worse, I felt so helpless. At least when they were hitting me I could try to protect myself, or try to block it out. When they kicked her there was nothing I could do. I couldn't even see them I could only hear when they made contact by her voice. I didn't know who it was at first but then I think you swore, Jo, and I recognised your voice. When they stopped with you and moved on to Annie it was worse again. You sounded hurt, and angry, but her screams were pure pain. Enobaria was better, she howled like a dog and I don't really like dogs, I'm more of a cat person. But then it went round again. There was no break, I don't know if the same people went from cell to cell or if they had a team for each of us, some kind of bizarre beating roster.'

'Did you have a guy with one leg shorter than the other?' interjects Johanna. Peeta frowns, 'I don't think so.' Johanna smiles. 'You'd know if you had. He'd kick me with one foot and his toes would go under my back or belly, depending which way up I was. Then he'd kick with his other foot and it would graze over the top. It was weird. Usually better than being properly kicked, unless he caught me in the boob with his short leg.'

Peeta smiles grimly. 'No, I didn't have him. That answers one question. There were teams of guys who took it in turns to kick the shit out of us. It went round like that six times.'

'Seven' corrected Johanna. 'You missed one because they dragged you out somewhere. That's how I know it was better to come after Enobaria.'

'Of course, the interview' Peeta says, snapping his fingers. 'I almost forgot about that. I got dragged out, prepped by my prep team who didn't say a thing to me or meet my eyes the whole time, then given a card with a speech to memorise. No one told me anything but the card smelt like roses and on the back it had one word. Katniss. I knew that if I messed up she was dead, and Prim and Gale and her mother and anyone she cared about. So I memorised the speech, word for word. It didn't all make sense at the time but once I was in front of the audience with Caesar Flickerman and the cameras it slotted in with the questions he asked exactly. I smiled like I always did. Like I'd done on the victory tour, when I'd given all those speeches, when I'd had to propose to Katniss. I just smiled and recited the words, not even really processing what they meant. When I got taken back to the cell it was Annie's turn and I had left just after mine so I suppose I did miss a cycle. After the silent beatings they switched to interrogation. I almost wanted them to kick me the first time they wheeled in the machine, not knowing what it was. What do they say, better the devil you know? Anyway, they brought in a table, took all my clothes off and tied me to it. They stuck six pads to me, four on my chest and two, well let's just say lower down shall we, I don't want to make Katniss blush. This time they asked me questions. It started ok. What is your name? How old are you? What district are you from? Who is your mentor? If you answered quickly they moved on. If you paused to think for even a spilt second you got shocked. It was like a burn that went through your insides and then made every muscle spasm. Even when they stopped the spasms didn't. The hard thing was the speed of the questions, it made it so hard to lie. I'm pretty good at faking it but there was no time, no time to think of the right words.'

'It's alright, you didn't know anything' said Johanna coldly. 'They only went round us twice before they realised that I was the only one that knew anything. They asked me why I dug the tracker out of Katniss' arm and I paused too long. Zap! and then they knew. That's when they brought in the showers and the wires. They kept up the rapid question thing but the shocks were much worse and they tied me upright to a post so I couldn't rest. Once it was only me there were no breaks, it just went on.'

'I remember them starting on you' says Peeta. 'I know because your screams changed. But I wasn't there for long before they took me for a second interview. I blacked out on the way to the prep rooms, I guess I hadn't eaten for days. When I came to I was head down over a peacekeepers shoulder. They were talking about their next job after I was dead. One of them said he wanted to be on guard outside the President's mansion, he thought he'd get more luck with the girls if they could see him on duty and he wasn't hidden away down in the dungeons. The second one said something about it not being so bad down there but it was the third who said he was just gutted he was stuck here when his brother was part of the squad that was going to bomb district thirteen. It was the first I'd heard of district thirteen but it hit me that it must be where everyone was hiding. Otherwise we'd all have been down there, or dead already. I pretended not to wake up until someone started using this electric thing on my beard, trying to turn me back into the boy they wanted for the show. It wasn't someone from my prep team this time, it was an older woman I'd never seen before. The protocol was the same though, I was given a card to learn and I did. I got through as much of it as I could until I couldn't pretend anymore and tried to explain what was going to happen.'

'You did' I tell him gently. 'You saved us all. Your warning gave us enough time to get down to the emergency bunker before the bombs hit.'

Peeta smiles. 'Good. I'm glad something good came of it. After that they started the hijacking.'

He turns to Ella and explains looking directly into her eyes. I understand that he can't look at me and think about this but it still hurts. 'They took me back to my cell and tied me back down. Then they injected me with tracker jacker venom. At first it was just the injections. They hurt enough and made the world spin. Then they kept injecting me but started saying things. I don't remember their early words because they didn't make sense to me but eventually I had the mantra "she's trying to kill you" going round my head. It wasn't even linked to anyone at that point, it was just words. Then, when I started saying it too, they started showing me videos. Some were of the games, some of the tour, some were security footage from district 12. All were Katniss. I know now some were real and some were doctored, but the venom meant I couldn't tell. Some days I still can't. They kept injecting me and showing me films and then bringing people in and killing them in front of me. They killed Darius, Lavinia and my prep team and some blonde girl who I still can't identify but she was so young. Portia was the worst, sorry I don't want to talk about that. Darius was killed by the peacekeepers but the others, I don't know if it was in my mind or if they dressed someone up, but I was sure at the time that Katniss killed them, and that I was next. If I didn't kill her she was going to kill me. Like in the games. '

Peeta breaks down at this point. 'I'm sorry' he says, looking down but pulling my hand to his chest. 'I'm sorry.' I kneel in front of him. 'Not real' I say. 'Not, real, Peeta.' I repeat this until he looks up and meets my eyes. I see the tell-tale sign of dilated pupils but he isn't gripping my hand much tighter than before. 'Not real' I say again and lean in to kiss him. 'Stay with me.'

'Always' he replies and I see his shoulders relax. His eyes don't quite return to normal but I can tell he can control this one. I don't move though and after an uncomfortable silence, Haymitch takes over, talking to Ella who is now behind me.

'While these kids were having their souls ripped out in the Capitol, we were in district thirteen planning the revolution. You never met Coin but she had very definite ideas about things and, as the leader of thirteen we had to fall into line a certain amount. Plutarch had his own ideas though and played it well, you would have been proud. Our main objective at first was to organise the districts. A single uprising was nothing, we needed everyone fighting to defeat the Capitol. That's where we needed communication and propaganda. Beetee was hacking into Capitol news distribution channels, but we needed something to broadcast. We needed to inspire and anger and that's why Katniss was so important. She's worse than useless at scripted things, but actually get her fired up and she's a demon. She was great for a while but once we saw Peeta's third interview, which must have been just after they started the hijacking, she went to pieces. It was simple, get Peeta back or lose her and lose the war. So Coin agreed and we sent in a team. Looking back it was obvious, it was all too easy. We should never have been able to even get to the President's mansion, let alone down to the basement and get three prisoners. Enobaria wasn't there so I can only guess she signed a deal with someone. Peeta, Jo and Annie were nicely gift wrapped for us though and all I could think was thank fuck. Thank fuck Peeta was ok. He was one of mine and I couldn't lose him, not after everything. So I didn't see it. I mean they were all battered. Annie fared best as she already had a place in her mind to go to, somewhere she couldn't be reached and hurt. Jo was a mess. They had to shave her head as her hair was sticking up from all the electricity and they needed to treat the burns on her scalp. Peeta was the worst though. The level of venom is his blood was toxic, he probably should have been dead but I guess they'd carefully monitored his dose to keep him mad but alive.' Even Haymitch can't go on.

'What?' asks Ella gently. 'What happened?'

'I tried to kill Katniss' Peeta says flatly. 'I nearly succeeded too.'

'But you didn't' I say. 'I'm still here. I'll always be here. Always.'

He won't meet my eyes and I am at breaking point, about to give up and run away when Ella calls it. 'Enough' she says. 'Sorry, too much. Too much for you. Too much pain to understand. Sorry.'

She gets up and walks round behind Peeta. 'Get up' she says, quietly but firmly. 'Get up, go home.'

She isn't strong but Peeta allows himself to be lifted. I tuck myself under one of his arms and she takes the other. We walk back to our house like that. Peeta doesn't say anything until we get inside. 'I didn't finish the cake' he says sadly. I don't know what to make of this. 'Do you want to finish it now or got to bed?' I ask. 'Bed' he says. Ella meets my eyes, shrugs and lets him go. He supports his own weight ok so I do the same, taking his hand instead. 'I should go' Ella says. 'Thank you Peeta.' She leans in and hugs him tightly and I see him respond and hug her back. I take him upstairs to bed and stroke his hair until he falls asleep. His nightmares are bad that night but there are no flashbacks, which is a nice surprise. I don't dare sleep in case he needs me and I don't realise. When he wakes in the early hours we talk for the first time. 'Are you ok?' he asks me.

I am wracked with worry about him, stinging from his description of his suffering, but I don't say any of this. Instead I say something I hadn't even known I thought. 'How dare you tell Ella everything when you'd never told me' I say, hot angry tears running down my face. I can't see through them so I don't know what Peeta's reaction is, but after a pause he pulls me to him. 'I could only tell her because she didn't care' he whispers and his breathing slows again until he is sleeping. We stay like this though I still refuse to sleep until morning.