Chapter 25: Put the Functional Back into Dysfunctional

ELENA

"You cheated again!" I yelp and ricochet off the stair railing, zipping around Damon toward the kitchen.

I skid to a stop when I see Stefan sitting at the kitchen island. Damon manages a graceful duck around me at the last second.

"I'm sorry, Stefan. We didn't wake you, did we?" I ask guiltily.

"No, I was unfortunately already awake."

Stefan gestures at the table, which is a mess of greenery, Tupperware, and an ancient looking mortar and pestle. "Bonnie's really getting into her mom's herb books for spells since her powers are on partial vacation and she talked me into helping her process some of them. I'm starting to see why she asked me instead of any of you guys."

"Because you wouldn't say no?" I guess.

"Exactly. Are you two running indoor track or what?" he asks mildly, going back to his mortar and pestle.

"Damon's supposed to be teaching me to use vampire speed more effectively, but mostly he just beats me at races." I narrow my eyes at him and he smirks. "Over and over again, as if that helps."

"I told you that you were doing it wrong," Damon insists.

"You can't just move like a faster version of a human," Stefan explains. "For running, you have to move your legs differently to start and stop, or you'll rip out a spray of floorboards that'll make Damon's OCD flare up."

"Ha ha," Damon says sarcastically. "Hey, I could let you take care of the house. Then she could just stop by ramming into giant piles of junk. Fortunately, vampires can't get tetanus."

"Is there coffee?" I ask Stefan.

"Not yet. Do you want to try some bagged blood?"

I shake my head, cringing. "No way. Every time I try breakfast blood I end up with the vampire version of morning sickness."

"You can tell God has a sense of humor, because you're the last vampire who would ever want to keep a couple humans around to feed on," Stefan says. "But that's starting to look like the most logical solution."

"I knew God had a sense of humor but when did you pick one up?" Damon cocks his head suspiciously. "Have you been shopping online again?"

"Caroline thinks I need to have more fun," Stefan says, narrowing his eyes at the crushed herbs.

"Well you're not going to get it playing salad shooter before seven in the morning," Damon opines.

I can't hold back a giggle at that.

"Don't encourage him," Stefan tells me.

Damon pours filtered water into the coffee maker. "Do you want anything to eat, if you're not going soccer mom smoothie?"

"Eggs," I say firmly. "They were the first human food to start sounding good again, and now I kind of love them."

"Do you want your own gummy, burned eggs, or do you want to get the blood from the basement while I make them?" Damon asks.

I smile at his back. "Yes, please. Do you care what kind?"

"AB negative," he says with a smirk. "Rare and delicious."

I try to hide a blush. That was my blood type as a human.

I head for the basement, raising an eyebrow at Stefan. "You?"

"Whatever we have the most of. Thank you."

I still can't quite get used to the idea of Stefan drinking human blood on a regular basis, but it seems to be working out okay. Caroline still goes with him when he drinks from people, and I would never say this to him, but it seems to make him less broody to be off the animal blood diet.

I shut the basement door and skip down the stairs, allowing myself a small smile. Maybe we can actually pull this off, the three of us living in one house. It's crazy, but stranger stuff has happened. Stefan's even temper seems to balance Damon out, and I can buffer the worst of their sibling rivalry. We're going to live forever, after all. We could make our own little vampire family.

I open up the freezer and sigh, looking down at the stolen blood bags. It's almost sitcom material, but not quite. The laugh track just doesn't blend well with me feeding off a compelled janitor in a broom closet between second and third period.

DAMON

Stefan waits until the basement door closes behind Elena before he gives me an irritated look.

"Ooh, honey, how do you like your eggs?" he mocks in a high falsetto, then glares at me. "You guys want to tone it down a little, or are you not done rubbing it in? 'Cause if you want to make me jealous, you might try acting a little less whipped."

I grit my teeth. "Whipped? I'm not the one playing food processor for an impotent witch who's not even going to put out to return the favor."

"Really, Damon?" Stefan snaps. "So how many times did Elena have to put out as you so gallantly call it, for the fucking eggs?"

I congratulate myself for having the self-control to turn off the stove burner before I punch him in the face. His arm catches one of the Tupperware containers on his way down and scraps of herbs explode across the kitchen.

Elena's back in an instant, tossing the blood bags on the counter before kneeling beside Stefan.

"Seriously? I was gone for two minutes and you're already trying to kill each other?"

She brushes vegetable matter off Stefan's face, looking for injuries.

"Oh, what the hell? You're worried about him?"

The doorbell rings but I couldn't care less. How does he get to be a total asshat and he's still the one who gets Elena fussing over him while I'm the one who gets yelled at? Fucking green eyes.

"He's the one on the ground, Damon," she snaps. "You know, I'd rather risk my brother trying to stake me during a psychotic break than put up with you two fist fighting over me all the time. I've lived here for two days for heaven's sake."

"It's not about you," Stefan says tightly. "It's not your fault my brother has a personality disorder."

"Oh, really? Did my personality disorder make that egg comment?" I challenge.

"Do you want me to tell her what you said about Bonnie, Damon? I bet she'd love that."

"Boys!" Elena shouts, releasing Stefan to rub her temples. "Damon, just get the door. Please."

I shoot Stefan a warning look and get the hell out of the kitchen before I give into temptation and start kicking him. I get to the door just as it flies open and Caroline comes barreling through, straight into my chest.

"Easy there. What's chasing you?" I steady her, but step back hastily when I realize she's crying. "Is somebody dead?"

"Tyler broke up with me!" she hiccups through her tears.

I wince. The former Miss Mystic Falls is not an attractive crier. This morning is going downhill fast.

I pull a handkerchief out of my back pocket and dangle it in her general direction. I suppress a crack about her returning her dog to the pound, purely out of self-preservation. For a new vampire, she has a hell of an uppercut.

"I'll get Stefan," I say instead.

"No!" she protests. "I hate men. All you want is somebody to sleep with you and do everything you say, and when we don't do that, you just go for someone who will. Nothing's changed since the fifties! You just want us to-" she blows her nose loudly on my handkerchief and I retreat another step, "stay in the damn kitchen!"

"What do you mean nothing has changed since the fifties? Bikinis? Cell phones? Pandora Radio? Seriously, microwaves? You have no idea how badly blood sticks to pans when you try to heat it on the stove."

She glares at me.

"I'm just saying," I put up my hands. "Be glad you skipped the fifties. So, not Stefan. Elena?"

She nods, her face crumpling.

I blur out of the room before she can say anything else.

"Elena, you're playing shrink again today," I tell her, jerking my thumb toward the foyer.

"What? What happened?" she asks.

How did neither of them hear all that? Am I the only one that knows how to properly use my ears in this house?

"Wolfie dumped Blondie. Much drama to ensue."

Stefan stands up, looking concerned.

"No way, little brother. She's in full man-hating splendor right now. I'd steer clear, especially since there are so many pointy objects available in this house."

Elena frowns. "Yeah, do you guys want to give us some privacy? Or I could take her to my house, I guess."

I shake my head. "Don't worry. I have pressing engagements everywhere else today."

Stefan's still looking toward the foyer. "Did she seem okay?"

"Nope." I put a blood bag in his hand and steer him toward the back door. "You have fun with that," I tell Elena.

"Tell her to call me later," Stefan calls after Elena, then knocks my hands off his shoulders.

I close the door behind us and narrow my eyes at him. "Come on. You're obviously not done, and neither am I."

He glares at me but just stalks further into the woods without hitting me.

"No, come on, Stefan. Enlighten me. Are you noble, self-sacrificing brother today, or jealous, petty brother? 'Cause you're kind of giving me whiplash. In case you forgot, douchebag, you told me it was okay to date her. You told me to come back. So you don't get to cry if I make her breakfast."

Stefan whirls and gives me a shove. "Yeah, because it's so easy. Because you were so nice about it when we were together and you were the third wheel." He laughs bitterly. "If I remember, you left a trail of fake girlfriends and drained bodies a mile wide when you were trying to deal with this shit."

"So why'd you tell her to move in, huh? Masochism isn't a good mix with the Ripper, Stefan. Why don't we go for Plan B on that little train wreck?"

"And what's Plan B?" he snarls. "You didn't want me to leave town, and even if she doesn't move in now, she will someday. So what am I supposed to do, just watch you and Elena cuddle on the couch into eternity while I sit in the wingback with a bunny in one hand and a blood bag in the other and try to make the best of it?"

I liked this conversation a lot better when we were having it with our fists.

"Stefan..."

He waves me off and walks away. "No. Never mind."

I shake my head and follow him. "Nope. You already invited me to the pity party. I'm asking, Stefan. What the hell do you want from me? Did you mean it when you said you two were done for good, or are you just holding your breath until we break up? You're hoping everything will be roses and prom dates after she gets me out of her system? Is that the plan here?"

Stefan stops walking and rips open the blood bag he's still holding, taking deep swallows.

My shoulders tighten. Sometimes it's an even bet whether hungry Stefan is better or worse than human-blood-Stefan.

He takes a deep breath and turns to face me. "Look, I don't have a plan. Elena and I are done. I know that. But that doesn't mean I am used to watching you put your hands all over my ex-girlfriend, alright? I'm not a damn saint and I'm doing my best here."

I bite open my blood bag just for something to do because otherwise I'm going to hit him again. What am I supposed to say to that?

My phone rings and I check the screen warily. I don't want anything to do with Caroline and Tyler's little spat.

Matt Donovan. Man, it really is a bad morning when I'm happy to hear from him.

"Jeremy kill something?" I say by way of greeting.

"No, but I got something good off the bug we put in Professor Shane's office."

"Tell me you didn't just say that in the middle of the Grill."

"I'm not an idiot, Damon. And you guys talk about vampire shit at the bar all the time."

"Yes, but I have a handy little listening-ears eraser that you don't have," I remind him. "What's the news?"

"I didn't get the name of who he was talking to, but they were going on and on about hunters and marks and vampires like it was no big deal. We're definitely not the only ones who know about this."

"Keep going, Captain Obvious."

"So, he was talking about gathering the hunters together to decipher the marks, because they're all different."

"Hell." I look at Stefan, who's apparently remembered how to use his ears because he doesn't look any happier than I do. "So we need all five hunters."

"Yeah. That's why I didn't call from the Grill."

"Because we're either going to get a bulk discount on laser tattoo removal or we're going to have to train a new bartender in order to find the cure," I summarize. "Figures. Thanks for the update."

"No problem. See you later."

I'll say one thing for Donovan. He's lower maintenance than most spies. I hang up and finish my blood bag.

"Never simple, is it?" Stefan asks. "Ayanna did a great job putting this spell together. It will be all but impossible to get five hunters with full marks alive and together at one time when their whole purpose is to kill beings that are stronger, faster and more numerous than themselves. I doubt it's ever happened since the Five were first made."

I shrug. "We got nothing but time."

Stefan looks unhappy, but for once he doesn't argue with me.

I finish my blood bag and then glare at it. "Shit."

"What now?"

"Elena didn't feed. And she's going to be too busy playing Kleenex-dispenser for Blondie to do anything about it."

"Well, I can't go home," Stefan says, shoving his hands in his pockets and trying to look casual. How has he not learned how to act in 150 years of pretending to be human? "You want to tag team a Good Samaritan?" he says offhandedly.

That's as close to an apology as we ever get. I decide I don't mind too much.

"I like the way you think, brother."