Fast update bc I love you guys! But I'd better get some love for my previous update too now!

Chapter 25: There and Back

Hunt slapped Derek's cheek. Nothing. He felt for a pulse, thready and weak, his breathing was shallow and his blood pressure falling," Shit..." Hunt rolled himself off the bed and grabbed the AED off the wall. For once his hands shook as he started to run the code," Code Blue, Meredith go get the team," he pulled the backing off the paddles and pulled the sheet from Derek's chest. The machine beeped as Meredith raced down the hallway, the sound echoed in her mind as she raced the clock.

Owen watched the monitor as he hooked the AED's paddles to it helplessly," Analyzing," it said.

"C'mon Derek," he eyed the syringe of Atropine as the respirations became more and more spaced until they finally stopped," Dammit, Shepherd BREATHE!" he slapped Derek to try and rouse him, nothing," Shit..." he cursed beneath his breath as the AED's computer spoke," Abnormal rhythm detected," Hunt dreaded the next phrase," shock advised," Hunt made sure he wasn't touching Derek and pressed the shock button. Derek's body jolted, the monitor let out a wail of a beep," You're not dying on me Shepherd!" Owen was unaware of Meredith and Mark in the doorway as he started chest compressions," Breathe dammit!" the AED continued to tell him it was analyzing.

Derek's body jolted in dream-world on the operating table," You made it," Clark sneered, a smile on his face.

"M-made it?" Derek shivered from the aftermath of whatever had just been done to him.

"Yeah," he stuffed a wedge beneath Derek's shoulders, pulling them at an awkward, painful angle and raising his head to survey the damage. Derek closed his eyes,' If I don't see it it's not real, it's only a dream,' he shook his head. Clark grabbed a handful of his hair and jerked his head forward," This..." dread filled Derek as he opened his eyes, his chest and torso were a bloody mess. Gaping puncture wounds where Clark had stabbed him over and over again and deep ugly gashes where he'd moved or jerked away and Clark had missed or become angry and slit him open," You finally made it..." Derek coughed and blood filled his mouth," Derek Shepherd, you're dead..."

"NOOOOO!" Derek threw his head back and screamed.

"Breathe you son of a bitch!" for the first time in his medical career, Hunt put his lips over his patient's mouth and gave rescue breaths," One, two, three, four..." he counted aloud as he pumped Derek's chest.

"Abnormality detected," the AED sounded so far away to him," Shock advised," Hunt cleared himself from Derek and pressed the shock button. Again Derek's body jumped from the surge of electricity.

A small, weak, raspy sounding breath dragged itself from Derek's lips. Owen felt a tear run down his cheek," Derek!" he looked at the monitor,' Respirations are still too shallow and not fast enough, his heart's beating too slowly,' he knew that depending on his decision, Derek would live or die. Hunt grabbed the syringe of Atropine off the table and injected it into the IV port," Please...come back okay," he waited and watched the monitor.

The heartbeat on the monitor began rising with the blood pressure," Too fast," he wiped sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand," too fast, Derek," he put a hand on Derek's cheek, unsure if the man could hear him or not,' Dammit, did I give too much?' doubt bombarded his mind like predator missiles in an air strike. Derek's blood pressure rose to normal, his heart rate continued at an alarming rate,' Fuck...v-tach...' no sooner than the thought crossed Owen's mind, the screen's ECG jumped and Shepherd's heart rate skyrocketed.

"Respiratory's here," Mark called, interrupting his thoughts.

"I need to intubate," Owen ran a hand through his hair, Mark was at his side in seconds with a tube. He lowered the head of the bed and tilted Derek's head back," Wait," Owen contemplated another difficult decision in an instant," he's in V-tach, I'm going to shock him one more time to see if it fixes itself before we shove a tube down his throat and pump more drugs in him," he charged the AED," Push some Xylocaine first, let's not stress his body if we don't have to."

Mark took a pre-readied syringe with Xyocaine in it from the crash cart behind him and pushed it," Okay."

"Clear," Hunt pushed the button and delivered the shock. Derek gasped for a breath and coughed, his eyes clenched shut and his body shook," Derek, can you hear me?" a stifled scream forced its way from his body despite the lack of oxygen.

"Breathe," Mark put his hand in Derek's and spoke softly as tremors from the shock devastated his body," I know it hurts, just breathe for me."

"His heart's fine for now, but he's not breathing right," the next sentence he spoke sent a pang of regret into his chest," Mark, intubate him."

For Derek, his alternate reality was mixing itself with the present. The only difference is he could no longer see Clark, or anything for that matter. He'd been hauled out of his dreams and awoke to every muscle in his body having spasms uncontrollably, he gasped for air and panicked when not enough came. He found himself staring at the waistband of a pair of navy scrub pants, someone was holding his head back and opening his mouth,' The hell?' he searched for some way to rationalize his current situation and came up short until he felt cold metal on his tongue,' They're intubating me?'his gag reflex kicked in and his stomach did a flip,' But why?'

"Derek," Sloan called to him," don't fight me, I'm trying to save your life," Mark pushed his tongue down and searched for the epiglottis," I can't see a thing, he's moving too much."

"I got him," Owen put a thumb on either side of Derek's chin and wrapped his fingers around the underside of his neck," Can you see now?"

"Almost in," Mark maneuvered what looked like a shoe horn around in Derek's throat until he found the cords.

"Derek, try and relax," Owen put his lips next to Derek's ear," I know you can't breathe, we're trying to help you. This will let you breathe, try not to fight us," a tear slid down the side of Derek's face, a choking sounds emanated from him as he continued struggling for air.

"I'm in," Mark slid the tube in place and pulled the tongue depressor out," I'm in, Derek," he looped tape around it and secured it to Derek's chin.

Air filled his lungs and they felt to the point of bursting, but he couldn't stop. He felt air being pulled out of his body and realized someone was breathing for him,' What the hell happened to me?' his lungs filled again, he fought it this time.

Mark had attached the tube to an ambu bag and was breathing for Derek while respiratory setup the ventilator," You're gonna be okay," Mark spoke softly and pushed a lock of black hair from his friend's face. Derek's hand went to his mouth," Derek, leave it alone," Mark took his hand and held it with his free one," you stopped breathing," Derek's eyes were wide and scared," do you remember me yet?" he shook his head slightly.

Derek wanted so badly to ask this man, who he knew to be Mark but couldn't recall any memories with him, where Meredith was and why she wasn't here. His tongue tried to push the plastic away and his teeth sank into it but it wouldn't budge, a tear slid down his face.

"Derek?" Meredith's voice floated over the chaos into his ears, his heart leapt and he tried to sit up," It's okay," she kissed his forehead," Be still," she looked at Mark," I don't want him on a ventilator if we can help it, Mark," relief washed over Derek and he felt her soft cool hand run down his arm to meet his hand, which she took from Mark. He squeezed tightly,' No ventilator, please,' his thoughts were a mess and his emotions were worse.

"No way to tell if he's breathing on his own," Sloan tried to focus.

"Take the bag off," Meredith paused," if he breathes we'll take the tube out and put him on a nasal cannula, if not..." she saw fear in his eyes,' He must be terrified,' she noticed the side of his hair was damp and felt her own eyes water," If not we'll setup the ventilator until he's stronger."

"You wanna try?" Mark gave the bag one last squeeze, Derek nodded slightly," Okay," he pulled the ambu bag off the tubing," It's off."

For a moment, Derek panicked and wondered if he *could* breathe. He stared into Meredith's eyes and sucked air in, she smiled. He took a few slow shaky breaths, never taking his eyes off her,' Meredith...' he wanted to tell her he loved her and to take him home and...'home?' his thoughts jumbled as he tried to remember what home looked like,' How long have I been here?'

"Good job," Meredith squeezed his hand," Mark, I got this," she gently peeled the tape from his chin and saw his eyes close. His muscles tensed as if bracing him for hell," Derek," she ran her fingers through his hair and saw some of the tension leave him," tilt your head back and relax, I won't hurt you," she pulled and met resistance as his throat fought her," Deep breath, exhale when you feel me pull on this," she waited, his chest rose and he closed his eyes. She pulled again and felt less resistance, before it passed his lips she turned to Mark," Sit him up, he might get sick."

Derek coughed as soon as the plastic was out of his throat, he gagged and felt dizzy," Take your time," Mark had helped Meredith sit him up. The room spun,' Don't throw up...don't throw up...' he tried to focus on breathing and felt his stomach turn another backflip and heave. Meredith held a basin beneath his chin, his face flushed as whatever he'd had for a snack last night came up,' Damn...at least it's not on the floor this time,' he felt a cool damp cloth on the back of his neck.

"Finished?" Meredith was wiping his mouth, he nodded slowly," Good, instead of that awful intubation tube, I'm putting this on your nose," he felt something tickle his lip and breathed deeply.

"Th-th..." he tried for a thank you but couldn't get the words out, his breath came in short gasps.

"Don't," Meredith sat next to him," just relax," she took him in her arms and lay his head on her chest," Mark's going to give you something to make you feel better, but it'll make you sleepy," Mark looked at her questioningly," Diazepam and a booster of Morphine."

Derek listened to Meredith's heartbeat and nuzzled beneath her chin, she moved the compress from the back of his neck and began wiping his face and shoulders. His body ached from the previous hour's trauma, every wound screamed at him and begged for something to make it stop. He felt pressure in the IV as Mark pushed the drugs and felt slightly relieved," Lllvvvvyyuuu..." he slurred into her shirt.

"I love you too," she wiped tears from her face," Thank you, Derek," she whispered in his ear," thank you for not dying on me," a smile played on the corner of his mouth and he nodded," I know you had a nightmare and sleep is scary right now, but I won't let anything hurt you. Go on and rest so you can get better and go home," she kissed his hair despite it not being its normal soft, sweet-smelling, bouncy self and felt his muscles go slack.

"You just performed a miracle, Meredith," Owen sat on the couch.

"Owen, I didn't notice you come in," she looked around and noticed the room was filled with the respiratory team as well, all with their mouths wide open and their eyes bugging out of their heads. Suddenly she felt naked.

"I know," Hunt put a hand on her foot that was hanging off the bed," Derek was dead, Mer," he let the words take effect on her," I worked his code for three minutes and still couldn't get him breathing normally and made the decision to intubate, you get next to him and not only get him to breathe," he paused as if trying to comprehend what just happened," but you get him off the ventilator before respiratory could even set it up."

"He has amazing willpower and..." Meredith started.

"No," Hunt patted her leg," he has you, you're the only thing he's living for."

"I'll try not to let him down," she caressed Derek's cheek, even in his sleep he sighed and turned into her," Derek, remember your leg and be still."

Derek nodded and mumbled," He'sshhh rightt..."

"Hmmmm?" Meredith leaned forward and studied his face.

"He'shhhrrrtttt," his eyes rolled and sleep took him.

"Toldya," Hunt leaned back and smiled.

Derek's eyes flickered beneath their lids, Meredith had dozed off lightly for a few hours waking up on and off when she thought she heard his breathing pattern change. Usually it was nothing more than him clearing his throat or sniffling in his sleep, but she still checked him thoroughly just in case.

Derek was halfway awake when he realized the drugs were wearing off, he tossed his head to the side to try and shake the feeling. His throat burned from where Hunt and Sloan had had to intubate him, he coughed dryly and it felt like he'd swallowed razor blades. He wasn't sure what he'd been dreaming about, but one thing was sure,' I have to wake up...' his thoughts scrambled as he struggled to come back to reality,' I can smell her...' he inhaled and caught the faintest scent of her perfume from over the cannula in his nose.

"Derek?" Meredith felt him jerk, his elbow nudged her stomach and she felt sick,' Ugh, not now, baby...' she closed her eyes and fought the morning sickness," Derek?" she rubbed his cheek with her thumb.

"Merrrr..." his voice was hoarse and chalky.

"I'm here, Derek," she kissed his forehead," Take your time, I told you I wouldn't leave," she saw his features twist as he tried out stretching to see if it was stiffness or pain. A sudden hitch in his breath let her know which had won," Derek, the therapist is coming by today..." she offered.

"W-weak, Mer..." he stammered as nerves all over his body practically exploded.

"Will you at least let him move your leg for you? Circulation and..." she hated how she sounded timid, hated that he was lying in a hospital bed throat raw from a mixture of screams and the recent traffic of tubes in and out of it, hated that the only thing she could do was either upset him or piss him off by asking him if he needed her to bathe or clean him because he was too weak to do it himself and seeing that horrible look of shame and defeat on his face as his eyes either glazed over into another world or closed to try and block her out, hated that she had to push for him to let the therapists help him and watch the agony that was written on his face as he moved even the slightest bit; but most of all...she hated the fact that he was hurting and she couldn't fix it.

"'Gonna hurt," the sentence sounded more like an admission of defeat than an acceptance of help or permission to pursue therapy.

"I'll be right here," she put her hand over his un-bandaged shoulder and rubbed lightly, he moaned and leaned his head against her chest.

"Promisshhhe?" he picked up his arm and held his fist in front of her face, with a bit of effort he extended his pinky and a sleepy smile danced on the corner of his mouth.

"Pinky promise," she giggled as she locked pinkies with him," I'll try and rub away some of the stiffness," she sat up slowly and propped pillows beneath his shoulders and back as she got up," You'll be groggy and probly have a pretty bad headache for awhile, the Atropine'll do that to you," she started uncovered his left foot.

"Attpnnneee?" his eyes fully opened for a few brief seconds.

"Derek, do you remember anything?" Meredith began rubbing the sole of his foot gently.

"Clrrrkkkk..."

"You had a night-terror that brought on an anxiety attack, we couldn't get you to wake up. You started having trouble breathing and then you coded," she saw his lips purse and his eyebrows furrow like he did when trying to make a decision during surgery," that's why Mark and Owen intubated you. It wasn't a dream, Derek, you went into v-tach and..."

"Shhhhocked me..." his speech began to slowly clear up," Hurt like 'ell..."

"Do you remember who Owen and Mark are?" she worked her way up to his calf, skillfully missing the lacerations and gauze that seemed to be the only thing holding him together at this point.

"Mmmrk..." his mind leafed through its memories and found a face, his eyes opened," Mark," he said the name like it explained everything.

"So you remember?" Meredith was hopeful.

"I wasshh attacked..." he spoke slowly as if he were saying it aloud for the first time.

"Yeah," Meredith moved to his right foot, he winced and she cringed.

"Mer!" the name sounded forced as if there should have been a scream behind it that just didn't make it out in time. He jerked away from her and a silent scream followed, his hands covered his face and he tried to catch his breath.

"Sorry," she reached for him but stopped realizing there was nothing to do but let it pass.

"They want me to walk on thish...?" his voice quivered as he tried to regain composure.

"Not yet," she reassured him," if you're too weak we can wait until I can get you home, and then the staff won't be around to see..."

"To shee me fall again," the words were harsh and stabbed like knives, they hung in the air like a fog," I can't even schpeak right..."

Meredith hated how fast his moods changed when he was on Morphine, she added that to her list of 'hates' which was growing longer by the second," Derek, you're not going to fall again, and your speech impediment is due to the amount of Morphine it takes to keep you sane."

"Mer..." he cast his eyes downward as he usually did when he had to ask her to help him do something either utterly embarrassing or anything he deemed pathetic.

"Yeah?" she tried to shrug it off, so he wouldn't feel bad for asking.

"If I keep my leg out...can I bathe shometime shoon?" the words looked like they'd physically pained him to say.

"I don't think it's such a good idea, there's a spot on your chest we've been watching," she saw that look. She hated that look. That whipped puppy look," I can let you wash off again if you like."

"Pleasshhhe..." he was almost too tired to feel defeated. Almost.

"Okay, we can take care of that after the therapist comes."

"Mer..." that same look crossed his face and her heart sank.

"Yes?"

"Can you do it?" she looked confused," Therapy..."

"Oh," her face flushed," sure I guess I could..."

"Thankshhh," he closed his eyes and swallowed," Mer..." his gaze met hers," Water..."

"Right," she poured a fresh cup of water and poked a straw in it," you got it?"

"Yeah I..." his hand wrapped around the cup, it shook as he brought it to his lips," Mer!" he felt it slip from his grasp.

"I gotcha," Meredith held his fingers to help him maintain a grip," You're still groggy, remember?"

"Forgot..." Derek's head felt heavy and his thoughts were fuzzy, putting sentences together that actually made sense was becoming difficult.

"It's okay," Meredith guided his hand near his mouth. He swallowed the first sip and groaned as the cool water sent a chill down to his stomach," Does it hurt?" he nodded,' Of course it hurts,' Meredith mentally kicked herself. Derek gingerly sipped at the water until he couldn't take it anymore, he shied away from the straw and rested his head on the pillow," I could spray some Lidocaine at the back of your throat..." he nodded," Okay, I'll be right back."

Derek heard her shoes squeak across the floor and fade away into the hallway, he pulled the blankets off his chest and took a deep breath. His chest and stomach were still a mass of gauze and surgical tape, but one looked different than the rest. He peeled the tape away and lifted the dressing's corner,' Steri-strips,' he tested the durability of the wound,' Damn that stings, this must be the one they're eyeing...' he noticed some yellowish stains on the underside of the gauze and on the edges of the strips,' It's infected?' his eyes widened. Memories of the attack and his past hit him like a kick in the gut, the drugs' groggy side effects had finally loosed their control of his consciousness.

Meredith's shoes gave her away as she entered the room again," Derek, what are you doing?" she put the Lidocaine on the table and began checking him over," Are you bleeding?"

"No," he shook his head.

"If the sutures are uncomfortable I can..."

"Mer!" his voice was harsher than he'd have liked but it got her to stop talking, he tried to change his tone when he spoke again," I want...out of here," he growled.

"Derek..."

"I remember..." he put his head in his hand," I remember what happened," silence hung in the air as he regained his composure," Meredith..."

'Don't...' she pleaded inside her head, too shocked to say anything,' don't say my full name, Derek,' a tear rolled down her face,' you know I can't resist you when you do this...'

"Meredith, please," his voice broke and he looked up at her, this was the real Derek. The one she'd brought home from the bar and the one who'd saved her from death a thousand times, this was him, no drugs, no grogginess, no speech impediment, and no tubes keeping him alive. Plain, extraordinary, simple, complicated...Derek Shepherd. Tears flowed freely from his eyes and shame flushed his cheeks," t-take me home..."

"Derek..." her voice a whisper.

"Please, Meredith," he hung his head," I-I'm begging you."

"Derek..."

"Don't say no..." he felt trapped, like he had absolutely no control over anything that was happening to him. His throat continued to burn and worsened when he cried.

"When you're strong enough to walk, I can take you home..." she knew due to recent events he was nowhere near ready to go home, but prayed it'd give him a goal to work for as long as he didn't kill himself in the process.

"Promise?" he held onto her shirt as if she would float away if he wasn't keeping her anchored.

"Derek, I want you home, I want to put you in the car and drive to our house and curl up in our bed together and snuggle for real. If I could, believe me, I'd take the pain from you. I'd make it stop hurting and we'd stay in bed for days doing nothing but eating our favorite foods, snuggling and making love. I need you to get stronger for me before I can handle things at home," she gestured to her stomach," I can't do much for you right now, I'm almost into my second trimester..."

"I'm sorry, Mer," he ran his hand from her thigh to her hip and pushed her scrub top up and out of the way," I miss you," ignoring the agony that spread through his body, he kissed near her navel and set her on fire," I miss touching you, I miss the feeling I get when you touch me, it's torture..." his breath was hot on her stomach and she let herself revel in the sensation," I'm always drugged up and half the time I'm unsure where I am..."

"The drugs..." she whispered.

"Wore off awhile ago," she noticed he was trembling and his voice wasn't shaking with emotion.

"Derek!" she turned to the med cart," Your meds are gonna lapse!" she cursed at herself as she pulled away and started putting his daily drug cocktail together," You need to eat something too, she shook up a protein shake and the bottle of Lidocaine and sat next to him," This should help," she attached a small straw-looking nozzle on the end of the spray bottle and tilted his head back. He opened his mouth and closed his eyes, she sprayed a bit on the back of his tongue. He coughed and fought his body's instinct to move away, Meredith aimed for the back of his throat and withdrew quickly," Let it sit," he opened his mouth to speak," Don't..." she put a finger to his lips.

She stroked his hair until she was sure the Lidocaine had done its job and opened the protein shake," Drink this so you can take your meds," she wanted to run screaming from the room as she watched him drink slowly, instead she stared at a picture of the two of them that set on the dresser,' He's lost so much weight,' she traced the lines of his body in the photograph and could almost smell the pine trees around them that day. Their first official fishing trip, the day spent cuddled on a boat watching their lines in the water and...her thoughts were interrupted as the empty can dropped into the trash can beside her," Take these," she handed him a pill cup and another cup of water. He didn't put up his usual fuss when she gave him meds,' It's bad today,' she checked the syringe's dosage and pushed the IV meds,' He hates that drug-induced haze,' she studied his face as he polished off the last pill,' Stress lines,' she observed,' I've been so worried lately that I didn't notice he was just faking feeling good today,' another mental kick in the ass.

"Let's start," Derek sat up slowly and turned his head from her so she wouldn't see him cringe.

"Huh?"

"Therapy," he grunted as he pulled his left leg to his chest.

"Derek, your meds haven't..."

"Then...I won't bust my ass again," he grit his teeth and started bending his knee,' Just like I remember,' he drew in a short breath as the dull ache blossomed into full-on pain,' Hurts like hell, but if I can stand and take a few steps,' he gripped the bedrail as he worked his left foot under his right calf,' Meredith said she'd take me home,' he used the leverage to move both legs off the bed.

"Okay..." Meredith was unsure and pressed Mark's pager number in her cell phone for a stat page.

"Slowly Derek," she stood in front of him and kissed his forehead.

"How many steps before you take me home?" she was taken aback,' So that's why he's trying to push himself,' the look in his eyes was serious,' He's really going to hurt himself if we don't get him home soon,' she ran her fingers through her hair.

"Derek, don't do this..." she held him close," I'll..."

"Home?" Mark stood in the doorway," Hell he's stable and has two doctors, or more with *your* roommates, if I stay over and do the heavy lifting," he winked at Meredith," he can go home after a twelve hour eval on his vitals."

"Mark?" Meredith's eyes got big," Can I see you outside for a moment?"

"Get him back in bed and sure," Mark helped her reposition Derek, who he gave a thumbs-up sign to on his way out of the room.

Once they were outside, Meredith tried to appear intimidating at Mark," Don't go getting his hopes up like that! How in the hell is he supposed go home when he coded last night?"

"Meredith, I was outside the door and I couldn't help but overhear, if we don't relieve some of this stress he's going to go insane! Amnesia? Seriously, Mer, Derek's mind is as sharp as a scalpel!"

"Mark Sloan!" Meredith was seconds away from slapping him.

"Meredith listen to me, haven't you noticed since we told him he couldn't go home yet he's gotten progressively worse? Keeping him here in this hospital, it's killing him!"

Meredith was silent, she hated to admit defeat; but Mark had a point," How am I going to take care of him?"

"You're not gonna be at it alone," he put his hands on her shoulders," I'm planning on bringing half the damned hospital with us."

"And if he needs surgery?"

"We call an ambulance or I hop in the trail blazer and haul his ass back here."

"You have to support me on something, Mark," she looked up at him defiantly, he nodded," if he starts going downhill or if I say he's not doing well, we bring him back here."

"You have my word," he held his fist in front of her face, pinky extended," Pinky swear?"

"Fuck you, Mark," she giggled and locked pinkies with him.

"Derek Shepherd," Meredith grabbed his chart off the foot of the bed and flipped through it," in about two hours, you will no longer be a patient at Seattle Grace Hospital," she smiled as she saw his face light up," BUT," she was firm," if you start going downhill or if I get too worried you're coming back here and you won't bitch about it."

"Deal," at first he thought he was hallucinating, he did his best to hide the slur in his speech and the fuzziness that still surrounded his head.

"Mark, pack up supplies and I'll go talk to Hunt," she Derek's his forehead," I don't think this is a good idea though."

The next hour and a half was a blur, the drugs kicked hard and Derek barely knew Meredith and Mark had been in and out of his room at least four times each checking charts and care plans and looking over their etiologies to be sure they had everything they'd need at home. He'd been so relieved when they'd said he was going home he thought he'd died and gone to the alternate reality where everything was perfect and he wasn't hurt," Okay, Derek," Meredith pulled the blanket off his chest," let's get you dressed and home," she put his left arm in his sleeve first, then helped him sit up and put his right one in," Just don't push yourself at home like you did here," she fastened the buttons on his shirt and fixed his collar.

"If I'm home I can ressst," he hoped she wouldn't notice the extended 's' sound.

"Your mother is gonna shit a brick," Meredith checked the door before she pulled the blanket off his legs.

"They've all sheen me naked by now," she saw embarrassment in his eyes.

"You know once you're home I have to do everything that the nurses have done here, right?" she pulled his boxers to his knees and started working his sweats over his feet.

"Yeah..." he hadn't thought about that, he swallowed hard.

"Pull these up, then shoes and we're gone," she paused before helping him stand," are you sure you want to leave now? I can't keep you mother or Nancy or Amy away if you're at home; and you know they're going to linger for at *least* another week."

"I need thish," she eyed him as she noticed his speech slurred.

"Can you stand or are you too stoned?"

"'M good," he braced his uninjured hand on the bedrail as she turned him to face the door.

"Do I need to get Mark?"

"No."

"You sure?"

"Yeah," he took a deep breath as she helped him to his feet, his right foot hit the floor and he gasped. Meredith pulled his boxers and sweats up and lowered him into the wheelchair,' Wheelchair?' he wondered,' When the hell did that get here?' he fought a scream as Meredith picked up his foot and put it on the footrest of the wheelchair.

"I'm serious, Derek," she unhooked his IV port from the bag of fluids," if this doesn't work..."

"I know, Mer."

"And don't think you can hide the fact you're still in agony and weak as a kitten."

"I thought that'shh what made me sho damned hot," he smiled and took her hand," Sherioushly, Mer, thanksh..."

"I'm gonna try it," she pushed him down the hall to the back elevator used specifically for the staff.

"Going home? You said he was critical just yesterday!" Carolyn shrieked at Mark.

"Ms. Shepherd, he is in a critical condition," she beat her fist against his rock-like pecs," He needs to get back to things he knows and de-stress."

"Drug him some more then!" Nancy had chimed in, Amy stood next to Mark and held onto his hand tightly.

"Meredith and I will be..."

"You didn't think to ask his family..." Carolyn and Nancy started bitching over each other and continued their assault on Mark.

"HE'S DYING!" Mark's voice carried and seemed to echo through the hallway, which had incidentally turned deadly silent," Derek is dying, there, you happy? If we don't get him out of this hospital he'll lose his will and seeing people he worked with, people who respect him and who've assisted him in thousands of surgeries are bathing him and feeding him! If he stays here, he's as good as dead!" the two stood in silence," He's having constant anxiety and he's not healing here," he spoke more softly," I will be staying with him and Meredith and we'll perform in-home care just like if we were hired to make a house call. We're bringing the hospital to him, but if he stays here anesthetic amnesia isn't the worst thing we have to worry about. His surgical sites are starting to get infected and if his mood doesn't improve and he loses hope and gives up, he'll turn septic. Once he's septic, we're fucked, it could take him months to die. Months of this, you think this is hell? You weren't there when he had to be sedated because he couldn't stop crying after the first panic attack, it wasn't you who saw the fire in his eyes flicker yesterday when he coded. I saw it...I *watched* him give up, the only reason he's still alive is because we pumped enough drugs into him to keep an elephant alive and because Meredith held his hand while I had to shove a tube down his throat so he could breathe. If you want to watch that over the next four to six months and know he's dying and pray for death to take him because the pain is so bad we can't begin to control it, BY ALL MEANS KEEP HIM HERE!"

Meredith met Mark and the other Shepherds at the back doors of the hospital where less people were likely to see Derek, the rubbernecks could wait till he looked better," I'll go get the car," Meredith kissed Derek's nose," I'll be right back."

"Mmmkay," he nuzzled her nose with his," Love you."

"Love you too," she turned and started for the car. Derek sighed and leaned back into Mark as he watched her walk away.

Hope you enjoyed it, emotions running high and Meredith is taking a MAJOR risk in bringing Derek home, let's see how this plays out!