25

His grip tightened, squeezing and crushing my vocal cords and windpipe with very little effort. Until he released me, they could not heal, meaning I could barely whimper out a word. I dangled there for some time, kicking my feet outward whilst attempting to pry his fingers from around my throat but he was stronger, he was unrelenting. All I could think about as I fought was the reasons for him doing this to me. I could understand his resentment of me for my abandonment but surely, he knew hurting or killing me would inadvertently in the end cause him much more pain.

"Ed…ed…pl…eaa…se." I gasped out, the burn in my throat from the effort was excruciating but it was well worth it. His fingers unclenched almost immediately, I dropped and slumped on to the carpet below us like dead weight.

As quickly as I could manage, I shuffled backwards until I hit a wall. I held my breath and listened to his heavy footsteps, which were seemingly approaching me. I braced myself for contact but instead he flicked a switch, illuminating the room in sharp bright light.

His appearance was shocking, Alice was not exaggerating, not one little bit. Before me was not the Edward I knew, my mate and lover, instead a manic looking monster towered above me. Since he had not fed after the attack on him and some other vampires as they roamed outside the castle, his wound was visible in a festering state. His clothes were ruined, especially his trousers, ripped to pieces. The pale, greyish skin of his left leg lay exposed, therefore revealing the shredded and open wound right through his femoral artery, no wonder he had bled out. The skin around the bite was black and it finally made sense. The starvation and wolf bite had resulted in his erratic behaviour.

A wolf bite could kill a new born. Although it could not kill a vampire who was born, not bitten, especially Edward with his royal blood, it could cause some damage. Normally it would not affect Edward in the slightest but because he had refused to feed and his blood had drained from his body, the wolf's poison had spread. In the past, I had encountered newborns who had succumbed to the poison in a lycan bite and they experienced hallucinations and delirium. Edward was suffering this fate. Although it was not fatal, until he fed, the poison would continue its ravaging effects.

My eyes wandered upwards and roamed over his face. Black blood, a result of the poison, accumulated around his lips, his face grey, reminding me of decay. His eyes were hollow looking, his deep onyx orbs were empty and lifeless and it scared me. Nothing of the man I loved was there.

He stalked towards me, his neck craning in quick maniacal movements, his bones grinding and clicking as he moved it.

"Are you real?" He growled out, as he crouched down towards me on bended knees, his face leaning in close to mine.

Of course I was, my heart ached when I realised he must have hallucinated my presence many times in the two months of our separation.

With carefulness and some hesitancy, I held my hand up towards his face wanting to touch him.

In under a second, his hand swooped upwards, catching my wrist. Unlike with my neck, he was gentle, looking almost worried.

"I am here Edward, I am really here," I whispered, using my other hand to caress his face.

My fingers played with his jaw and for a moment he seemed relieved to feel my touch, his head leant on my hand almost sinking completely into it. He relinquished his hold on my wrist and touched my lips with his fingertips. I withheld a moan and let him explore my face with his senses, his eyes and sight roamed aggressively over my features whereas his fingertips ghosted the entirety of my face.

I had convinced him I was real.

He sucked in the air between us, almost gasping when my scent hit him. Immediately I felt his hunger, his pain. In his effort to control himself, he sat back, his back straight against the wall. His breathing was heavy, laboured as the burning ravaged his insides.

"Please you need to feed, use me," I begged, closing the distance between us, cradling his limp head in my arms. He pushed me away, refusing my advances.

"Not you," Edward growled out, easing himself from my hold. He lolled against the wall, almost swaying side to side. His body was drained, he needed nourishment and it killed me inside to see him refusing me of all people.

"Why do you do this? This is the second time you have refused to feed. Edward you are the future King, people are relying on you and yet you refuse nourishment when you need it the most. Stop behaving like this," I almost yelled, practically shoving my wrist onto his cracked, black lips.

He pushed my limb away, standing up with a cackle. I was intrigued and profoundly curious about the strength he still possessed even when drained of blood. When I had bled out after Jacob Black's attack in the tunnel when he severed my abdominal aorta, I could barely last ten minutes without blood. I could not stand, I could barely speak but here was Edward, two months after his wound and draining and he could still fight me off, he could stand, he could speak.

He was so much stronger than any of us, much more stubborn than we were too. His cackling laughter broke my train of thought, his laughter sounding even more manic than before.

I stood up frowning at him as he pushed his hair out of his face, nearly yanking it at the roots.

"What is so funny?" I ground out, trying especially hard to keep my temper under wraps.

Anger would not benefit Edward or me but it was there, it was simmering under my skin.

"That you can't see why I have withheld from feeding Isabella," he laughed out incredulously, his voice was higher than usual, he looked on at me wide eyes.

"You wanted me back here, so you didn't feed, I understand why you did it Edward but it isn't a safe viable option, not when war is close upon us," I reasoned, stepping closer.

He closed the gap between us, yanking my hands in his, pressing his body close to mine. He lowered his face until he could whisper in my ear.

"I didn't do it for your attention...I assure you of that. I didn't feed so I could feel something else. I didn't feed so I could feel a greater pain than the pain I feel when you leave me. The starvation gives me something physical to mull over, focus on and to distract me. If I fed from you now, I would grow attached to you even more and then when you leave like you always do…it would cause me a great deal of pain," his tone was cold, hard and honest.

I stepped back taking in the gravity of his words. He would rather suffer with the pain of starvation and poisoning, the constant dull ache, the burning, and the weakness…because of me. His words cut deeper than Tanya's did.

"I thought you were okay with me leaving, you didn't protest before I left," I murmured, eyes to the floor.

I couldn't look at what I had done to him, I couldn't look at his deathly like appearance or the festering wound…it was because of me he looked like this. It was because of me he was ignoring his people and royal duties.

"There was no stopping you. You wouldn't have stayed if I asked, would you?" He asked spitefulness lingered in his words.

I could not answer because he knew the answer. I needed to leave the castle after finding out about Emmett's betrayal. I wouldn't have stayed, the time away had taught me a great deal, I felt more control over my emotions than I have ever had in my existence and most importantly it gave me some invaluable time to spend with my little sister, to really bond with her.

The silence between us was heavy. Eventually I tore my eyes from the ground and met Edward's intense gaze.

"I am so sorry, I won't leave again," I promised, realising the weight of my words.

It meant that Volterra was my home. I could not leave without him and his family and the vampire species needed Edward here if he was to reign as king. I could not leave his side again, no matter how much it hurt to live here around a castle full of people who lied to me, betrayed me and hurt me.

Edward turned his back to me shaking his head.

"Don't say such things. When you leave again, you will take my heart with you. I cannot cope with you coming and going anymore Isabella. Each time you run from me or leave, it kills me inside. It eats me up and steals a little bit of my soul," He ground out, his hands balling up in fists.

I run to his side, swivelling him to face me.

"You hurt me. If you had told me what Emmett had done, I could have learned to forgiven him but knowing my brother and you, my mate, kept such a profound important secret from me, it killed me inside. Knowing I could have spent years with my mother in this life, Bree too, perhaps even saving mother…it kills me every day but I will not leave you, I forgive you," I cry out, tears bubbling in my eyes.

He looks down at me; one of his fingers catches a bloody tear as it falls.

"All I ever did was try to protect you. Emmett was the one you lived for in the beginning. You did not want this life, every day I was scared that you would try kill yourself and leave me alone in this life. I could not risk telling you about your family as I thought it would be the thing to tip you over the edge…selflessly I thought it would mean losing my mate. If only I had knew how strong you were, then I would have done things differently. I regret it every day but I cannot change the past but I will apologise for eternity if I have to," he murmured, swiping more tears that trickled down my face.

I realised then how much regret Edward lived with. It was true; I was on the edge of death after he forced me into this life. I did not want to live in this world as the monster I perceived myself to be. I still struggled from time to time, questioning my existence. Emmett had been the one who made the transition easier. Knowing I had a part of my past self with me, my best friend, my rock, kept me existing.

"You are forgiven, I cannot hold onto it any longer. I promise, I am staying with you for the rest of my existence, even if you tire of me," I joke at the end, wiping away my own tears.

His eyes roam over me for some time.

Edward pulled me closer, planting a gentle kiss on my forehead and then like a ghost the contact was gone.

A painful expression crossed his face and I could tell he was still doubtful about me staying in Volterra. He could not invest all of his hope in me staying, not yet.

"I hope you do Isabella…I really hope you do…" he whispered as he backed out of the room.

If he needed time to see…believe my words, I would let him. I would not let him down again, even if that meant giving him space whilst he regained his trust of me.

A/N- I am still fighting this horrible writer's block but every word typed means I am beating it it.

I am still here...are you?