To be read with Kelly Clarkson's "Dark Side"
~Max~
"Oh Oh oh, there's a place that I know
It's not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now
Will it make you run away?
Or will you stay
Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am"
As we bump along in the quiet cab, I rest my head against Chloe's shoulder, blasting some sad Kelly Clarkson song.
We're finally on our way home from the hospital after staying an additional few days. Apparently, the doctors just wanted to give me a few days to get used to breathing and walking on my own again. My main doctor, Doc Havey, as Chloe calls him, insisted the I be sent home in a fucking wheelchair.
Yeah… fuck that noise.
But… after yet another heated argument with Chloe (which ended in us kissing) I gave in, knowing that It would make Chloe feel better knowing that I wasn't going to overdo myself.
I yawn a little, closing my eyes and nuzzling my cheek against Chloe's shoulder. She smiles and rests her head up against mine, intertwining our fingers together.
"Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?".
"Max…" Chloe whispers, brushing her hand against my face, "Hey, you awake?".
I let my eyes flutter open, as I sit up, pulling my earbuds out as I do so. "Yeah. Just… shutting my eyes for a bit,".
"Well, we're home now so you can take a nap. Come on, I'll help you get out,".
I sigh and watch as Chloe hops out of the car, rounding the side and pulling that god-damned wheelchair out of the trunk. It's odd, seeing her pushing a wheelchair instead of being in it.
I swallow audibly and scoot over to the open door, allowing Chloe lift me up and out of the cab, settling me down in the chair. It's kinda humiliating, asking for help even though I'm pretty sure I can handle getting out of a car on my own, but… I don't say anything.
Anyways, as Chloe pays the taxi driver, I put my earbuds back in and shut the world out.
"Like a diamond
From black dust
It's hard to know
What can become
If you give up
So don't give up on me
Please remind me who I really am
Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?
Don't run away
Don't run away
Just tell me that you will stay
Promise me you will stay
Don't run away
Don't run away
Just promise me you will stay
Promise me you will stay
Will you love me? Ohh"
I keep my eyes closed when I feel my wheelchair beginning to move, figuring Chloe is wheeling me inside our apartment building.
She's been quiet ever since we left the hospital, and I'm beginning to worry that my stubbornness is starting to pissing her off. I mean, I know she's pissed at… something, I can tell. What's more worrying is that Chloe's known for letting her rage show and she hasn't even given me an annoyed sigh or pissed off stare.
I feel a few bumps under me and figure that we're in the elevator, with Chloe now standing beside me, giving my hand a gentle squeeze. I squeeze back, running my thumb over her knuckles slowly. Something's going on in that head of hers and she's just not saying… well, I actually can't be one to complain because I'm doing the exact same thing to her. I sigh inwardly and look up at Chloe, who is seemingly avoiding my gaze.
"Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?
Don't run away
Don't run away
Don't run away
Promise you'll stay"
We leave the elevator still holding hands, and we continue to hold hands all the way up until we reach our front door.
"Home shit home," I say, once again pulling my ear buds out once.
Chloe snickers a little and pushes me inside after unlocking the door, "Heh, that's my line".
I hum in response and look around the apartment seeing it's still decorated for Christmas. Strings of colorful light hang from the bare dirty walls, painting the dim room in a rainbow of colors.
"I guess that we missed Christmas huh?," I say grimly as Chloe wheels me over to the small couch in the living room before walking off and closing the door behind us.
"Cheer up would ya," She finally says, annoyance clear in her voice, "It's not like you to be so... so fucking sad all the time!".
"I- I'm sorry" I mumble, somewhat relieved to hear how she's feeling… even if it hurts.
She has every right to be furious at me.
"It's… it's okay, Max. I just… you were always so happy and bright and now…".
I look up at her, hearing her struggle to express her thoughts and feeling.
"Now I'm afraid I broke you, okay?".
I blink, "What? What are you talking about, how could you break me, you're the one who's holding me together!" I say, my voice cracking slightly.
"You crashed because of me, Max, okay?! God, have you really just figured that out?".
I give her a saddened stare, "Chloe, the accident wasn't your fault. You told me yourself that the roads were icy and the ties couldn't get any traction!".
"There's this little thing called lying, you know. You should try it some time… oh wait, you do!".
I scoff, "Fuck you".
"No, fuck you. You keep saying that you're okay and that you're not in pain or anything, but I know you, Max. I can see it in your eyes. Something's up and you're not telling me. How do you think that's supposed to make me feel?".
"I… I don't know! This is hard for me too, Chloe. I admit that… y- yeah, I'm not exactly okay but, I just… fuck, I'm scared okay? Scared that you're gonna get fed up with my attitude and leave!".
I slap my hand over my mouth, my eyes burning with tears.
"Max, I… I'm not going to leave you. I would never do that," Chloe says, walking up and kneeling down in front of me, "I- I've been scared of the same thing. You just… stop talking to me sometimes and… I… I don't want to fucking lose you".
I sniffle and lean in, hugging her tightly against my body, "You're not, okay? I'm going to be here with, and for you forever,".
I feel Chloe nod before pulling away, looking up at me with tired, sad eyes, "O- okay… and I'm sorry. I don't mean to keep starting fights between us,".
I can't help but giggle, "You're not starting fights, Chloe. We're both teens and new to this whole relationship thing. It's normal,".
"It doesn't feel normal," Chloe mutters, allowing me to run my fingers through her hair as she rests her head on my lap, "Maybe I'm just being paranoid,".
"Heh, welcome to the club".
Chloe and I stay quiet for a bit, just enjoying each other's presence.
"We can still celebrate if you want… Christmas I mean," she says, pointing to the tree in the corner of the room.
"I- I don't know, Che. We just got home and I kinda tired, can't we just kick back and relax for a bit?".
"Aww, come on. It'll be fun, please?" Chloe begs with an impish grin.
"Oh god, don't give me puppy eyes," I say, remembering how she would make this sad puppy face to get what she wanted... and most of the time it worked.
"Please, please, please?" she continues, "I really want you to have your gift".
Dear god, at 19 years old, Chloe can still act like a total child... but that's why I love her. I look down at her and smile, booping her gently on the nose, "Fine, we'll open our gifts... but help me get onto the couch first. This chair is hella uncomfortable".
Ok, that's a bit of a lie, the wheelchair is fairly comfortable but just sitting here gives me the creeps. Maybe this is my karma for everybody I hurt during 'that' week, for allowing her to die just once. Either way... I probably deserve this. Karma does work in fucked up ways.
Chloe looks up at me and smiles, she can probably tell what I'm thinking about.
"This I can do," she says, standing up and helping me to my feet.
The heavy cast clunks on the floor as she leads me over to the couch. As I sit, I land heavily on my right side, sending a sharp, dull pain throughout my body.
"Fuck", I curse under my breath, hoping Chloe doesn't hear me but of course, she does.
"You ok?" she asks, seeing my pained expression.
I nod, "Yeah, I'm fine".
"Ok,".
Chloe leans forward and kisses me on the cheek, then gets up and grabs the two small gifts from underneath our now dead tree in the corner of the room
"Here, this one is for you," she says, handing me a flat box with a note attached to it. "Read the note first" Chloe instructs.
I nod and carefully detach the note, flipping it open and seeing Chloe's neat, clean handwriting on the cardstock:
IF ONLY
'If Only I could shine in your life as you have in mine. I would.
If Only I could love you as deeply as you have loved me. I would.
If Only I could heal your heart as you have healed mine. I would.
If Only I could give you the hope that you have given me. I would.'
"I... I didn't write that by the way... I found it in a book," Chloe says, blushing a bit when she notices I've started to tear up.
"This is really sweet of you, Chloe," I say as I hug her, "Very poetic".
"No prob, Mad Max. Now, open the gift,".
I nod and open the small box, peering inside. Within the box is a beautiful Doe pendant, with gold trimming the edges.
"Oh, Chloe… it's beautiful! It's almost like the one you gave me as kids," I say, taking the necklace out of the box and placing it around my neck.
"I know. That's why when I saw it, I had to get it for you," Chloe says as she puts the necklace on and smiles at me.
"H-how do I look?" I ask, suddenly feeling very shy.
"You look absolutely amazing" she replies with her trademark cheesy grin.
"You're too much... thank you".
"The company I keep. Hey, before I open your gift... there's something I need to ask you".
Her smile disappears when she speaks, sending a small bit of anxiety through my chest.
I swallow hard. "Uh, o...ok. What is it?" I ask even though I know exactly what she's going to say.
"Well, you never really answered my question about... about this".
She reaches for something in her pocket and hands me the same black box with the same ring inside.
I've honestly been avoiding giving her an answer for weeks... I've been waiting for the perfect moment. This moment.
I take the ring box and set it aside, holding her hands instead. I look deeply into her eyes, smiling softly, "Chloe... I... I think you should open my gift before I answer".
OOC: I did not write, nor own the "If Only" poem. It came from a book of the same name written by Richard Paul Evans. It's an amazing book and I highly recommend it.