Welcome to chapter 25! I swear, each time I write a new episode and realize what number it is it just amazes me.

So this chapter gets emotionally rough for both Olivia and Rafael; prepare yourselves! This is part of my attempt to steer this story back to mainly Barson waters and keep it away from too many recaps and episode stuff. This chapter doesn't have any recaps or any of that, just Olivia and Rafael. Well and Dr. Lindstrom because he facilitates a very honest conversation between the two of them; will it make their relationship stronger or the exact opposite?

Enjoy!

Oh and no spoilers for any future episodes in this chapter, just so you know!

"She's gonna be okay." Olivia murmured, and Rafael nodded.

"Yes she will. She's strong, not unlike someone else I know," he glanced at her, and she ducked her head with a smile.

"We'd better hurry, Dr. Lindstrom's expecting us." Olivia commented as she started towards the sidewalk.

"Oh crap, I forgot." Rafael said, hurrying after her.

"I know," she said with a chuckle, and added, "I called him a few hours ago and said we'd be running late."

"You know us so well." Rafael said with a grin as they hurried towards the car and off to the doctor's office.

They arrived at Dr. Lindstrom's building a few minutes later, and his secretary showed them into his office.

"Olivia, Mr. Barba." Dr. Lindstrom said pleasantly, walking up to them and shaking Rafael's hand.

"Yes, it's Rafael, please," he said as he shook the doctor's hand, and then Dr. Lindstrom showed them to the couch.

"What're we talking about today?" Olivia queried, and Dr. Lindstrom sat back.

"I know you must be wondering why I asked you to bring Rafael in today, and I assure you it's not for some couples counseling or anything like that."

Rafael half-smiled at the attempt at a joke and said, "I wasn't worried about that, but more so about infringing, for lack of a better word."

"Infringing on what?" Dr. Lindstrom said conversationally, and Rafael shrugged.

"Doctor-patient privilege," he said quietly, and Olivia rolled her eyes.

"Once a lawyer, always a lawyer," she said with a chuckle, and Dr. Lindstrom smiled as well.

"Don't worry about that, Rafael, if Olivia didn't want you here, you wouldn't be here. It's that simple."

"Alright." Rafael agreed, leaning back in the couch.

"Alright, today I want to talk about the guilt that you're still carrying around on your shoulders." Dr. Lindstrom said quietly, glancing down at his notebook.

"We've been over this before," Olivia sighed, adding, "I don't think it's ever going to just go away."

"I meant for both of you," he interjected gently, and Olivia looked at Rafael, who glanced at her. "Let's start with you, Rafael."

"Of course I feel guilty about some of my cases, if the monster gets away, I feel like I've failed, especially for the victim," he said uncomfortably, and Dr. Lindstrom shook his head.

"I understand that, but that's not what I'm talking about. You don't strike me as the type of man to dwell on past cases and cry about them into your scotch. You seem like the type that sucks it up and moves on, fighting harder for the next case."

"Yes, so what does that have to do with my guilt?" Rafael asked in confusion, and Dr. Lindstrom sighed.

"What's the one case that you still feel guilty about, every morning you wake up and look at Olivia?"

Rafael suddenly realized exactly what Dr. Lindstrom was talking about, and in the back of his mind the level of respect he held for the doctor went sky high. He honestly didn't think anyone could tell, but he should've known better for a highly recommended psychiatrist.

"Ah." Rafael said quietly with a nod, and Dr. Lindstrom nodded back.

"What's he talking about, Rafael?" Olivia queried, and Rafael replied,

"Lewis."

Olivia's brows furrowed as she faced Rafael. "But what sort of guilt are you carrying around about Lewis?"

"If I had been able to do my job right in the first place, he would have been behind bars. Not in your apartment that night." Rafael spat out, feeling the old anger coming back to him that he normally kept buried as deep under as he could.

"Rafael, that's not…" Olivia started to say quietly, and he shook his head violently.

"Don't, please don't say it's not my fault."

"But it isn't! You did all that you could to keep Lewis behind bars, that case had holes in it from the beginning, and when you didn't have a witness anymore, it was damn near impossible for you to go forward, but you still tried!"

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does. You did all that you could."

"And it still wasn't enough!" Rafael half-yelled, and Olivia fell silent for a short moment, and then she stated,

"It wouldn't have made a difference if you put him away or not. At that point, he was already obsessing over me. He would've found a way to get to me somehow, that's the kind of person he is, Rafael, and you know that."

"You think he would've been able to get out of jail to go after you?" Rafael asked in disbelief, and Olivia nodded.

"I don't trust anything to chance with Lewis. I spent quite a few days in hell with him, and he nearly got away with all of it. Mainly that's on me." Her voice went quiet, and Rafael's hands immediately covered hers.

"Don't even say that. You did what you had to do." Rafael said lowly, and Olivia shoved his hands away.

"I beat him within an inch of his life with a metal bar while he was handcuffed! That makes me no better than the monsters we put away!"

"Olivia, we've gone over this," Dr. Lindstrom said quietly, and then added, "If a rape victim had come to you and told you she'd done that, what would you tell her?"

"That it's normal; it was a reaction to the torture and horror he'd put her through, but there's a different between me and a rape victim: I wasn't raped and I am a trained SVU detective."

"But you're still a person. Being trained doesn't mean you're not a human being." Dr. Lindstrom said gently, and Olivia opened and shut her mouth. Dr. Lindstrom looked pointedly at Rafael and he slowly covered her hand with his own.

"You're not trained to go through the hell you went through. There's no pamphlet or manual for that. Therefore there's no guidelines on how you should react," Rafael said slowly, and then reached over and tiled her chin up so she would look at him. "I'm glad you did what you did. Because if you didn't, I'm afraid you wouldn't be here right now, talking about it." he added in a whisper, and Olivia swallowed hard with a nod.

Dr. Lindstrom interjected softly, "Who do you think has the right to blame you for what you feel is your fault, Rafael?"

"Olivia, who else?" Rafael said in exasperation, and Dr. Lindstrom faced Olivia.

"And do you blame him, Olivia?"

"Absolutely not! Rafael, you saved me, you didn't cause this. If anything, I caused this by becoming far too interested in Lewis, making him become attached to me."

"That's not your fault," he said quickly, and she nodded, replying,

"Then it's not yours either. That's the end of it."

"Guilt is irrational at the best of times," Dr. Lindstrom said as he marked a few things down in his notebook. "I'm not expecting you to stop feeling the guilt, Rafael, everyone carries guilt with them every day. But I am hoping that you will stop making yourself feel the unnecessary guilt. Especially when you feel that guilt every time you look at Olivia."

"Is…is that true, Rafael?" Olivia asked almost inaudibly, and Rafael shook his head.

"No. Mainly your nightmares. When I wake up to you screaming and thrashing around, it kills me to know that it's my fault."

"But it's not your fault! How can I make you see that?" Olivia begged, and Rafael sighed.

"You can't, Olivia, that's the doctor's point."

"That's not my point at all. My point is that you need to talk to her whenever the guilt becomes too much. You can't keep it buried beneath you, Olivia and I have covered that many times. Nothing I say or do, and nothing Olivia says or does can absolve you of that guilt, you have to do that yourself and it will take a long time, but you'll get there. You both will, with each other." Dr. Lindstrom stressed, and Olivia sighed.

"I just hate the fact that you're blaming for something you literally had no control over," she said to Rafael, and he reached out and squeezed her hand.

"Maybe it's that loss of control that lead to the guilt becoming more and more prevalent in his mind." Dr. Lindstrom suggested, and Rafael ducked his head down.

"I couldn't do anything for you, Liv, literally. After we knew Lewis had you, I could do nothing. I felt so worthless. At least Nick and Cragen and the others were chasing leads and all that, all I was doing was answering phone calls with phony tips. Every time that damn phone rang I prayed it would actually be a real tip, a real location, and every time it wasn't it…it nearly broke me. I felt like I couldn't live without you, but I couldn't do anything to ensure that I wouldn't have to."

"You did do something though, Rafael, you did," she whispered, facing him. "You answered when I called. You, no one else. I have to believe that was for a reason, Rafael. Then you stayed on the phone with me after I subdued Lewis. I promise you, that means more to me than anything. You reminded me that I wasn't alone, something that I completely forgot while Lewis was holding me hostage and assaulting me. You were there for me, you never left me, and the way I see it, that cancels out whatever else you think you did or didn't do before. I wish there was some way for you to believe that." Olivia finished, looking at Rafael.

He was struck silent for a long moment, processing her words, and then he reached over and brushed her tears away. "I love you," he murmured, and she smiled back as she wrapped her arms around his waist.

"Love you too."

And that's the end of this heavy, emotional chapter! Oh we're not done with the two of them yet, the beginning of the next chapter has Dr. Lindstrom leaving so Olivia and Rafael can talk it out between the two of them and reaffirm their love.

Then BAM! Shit kinda hits the fan with a little bit of danger thrown in. Don't worry, you'll read all about it when I post the next chapter. Yes, I'm a little evil, but that's okay. I'm halfway done writing the next chapter and I've got a very clear idea of where I'm going with it so it should be done within a few days!

Thank you so much for reading this update and I hope you liked it! And I promise from now on I'll try to only use most of the dialogue that has something to do with Olivia and Rafael :)