Spring break had passed too quickly and now Ryan found himself back in Berkeley. It was a soft early spring afternoon which promised life and hope for the future. How different was it here than in Rhode Island, where the cold hand of decay seemed to still have a tight grip on the world. Here Ryan's heart felt light and dreamy and he could taste the impending delights of the long spring and summer.

He looked at this watch. He was early but he did not mind that; no, there was such a fine pleasure in being outdoors today that he didn't mind he had ten minutes to wait for Dawn, Trey and Lisa. That was fine, that was good. With time to kill, Ryan let his eyes wander through the sea of people that were walking along the street, to and from diners and cafes and stores. Pretty girls, happy with the warm weather, walked with confidence, secure in their beauty. Sometimes the girls were by themselves, sometimes they were with other girlfriends, and sometimes they had a young man on their arm. The young men always looked pleased with themselves. It was a fine day and they should feel proud of their women, Ryan thought to himself. He would have felt proud too if Sadie was on his arm.

He missed her, his Sadie. She was up by Stanford, looking at the shop she would be taking over in a few months. In a few months; how strange those words sounded to Ryan. It was late March now and in two months time he would be finished with the University of California. His four years had passed like lightening and now, even though he was not ready, Ryan was being propelled further, into a future he could not readily imagine. How would life in Stanford be? Would be make friends? Would he be able to keep up with the brilliant minds of his peers?

A young woman walked by and for an instant Ryan thought it was Taylor. Same height, same slender figure, same auburn locks. No, it was not she; her face was different, thinner than Taylor's. Ryan let the disappointment that it was not she settle quietly over him. He had not seen her in over a month, had barely spoken to her since that time too. He had called her, like he had promised Summer. Ryan had left Taylor a message; she had in return called him and had briefly thanked him for thinking of her and for calling her. Ryan had been struck by her voice. There was calmness, a sweetness to it that he had not heard in a long time. Closing his eyes, he could picture her from the past; rambling sweetly over something he did not really care about, except that it was important to her.

The tenderness in her voice, though it was a short message, made Ryan think about her. Had she changed? Had once again the forces within Taylor moved, had they propelled another transformation in the girl forward? Ryan wondered about her if she was changing. Would he allow his heart, so closed to her, to open up a bit? Would he allow the warmth of her friendship heat his body and mind? He was far away from trusting her, loving her; it would a great deal of patience and affection from both of them to ever approach how things were, and Ryan was not sure the energy was within him, but as he waited in silence for his family, a small seed received its first grains of nourishment.

"Hey Ryan." It was Trey and Dawn, walking towards him. They had wanted to hear about spring break and Ryan was surprised by how much he had missed them, even though he had seen them only two weeks ago.

"Hey mom." Ryan hugged his mother and brother and then looked to Trey. "Where's Lisa?"

"She's visiting her dad in Vegas for a few days." Something in Trey's face made Ryan think that Lisa's visit wasn't purely out of fatherly affection.

"Is everything okay with him?"

"He's fine—she just needed to get a way for a bit."

"Everyone's just been stressed with Easter coming up and all." Trey paused as the waiter brought them two glasses of water and menus. "We had a fight or two last week and she just thinks it's best if we all get some space—clear our heads a bit."

"I'm sorry to hear about that." Ryan studied his brother for a moment but he his attempts at observation were derailed by Dawn.

"So how was Providence? How are Seth and Summer?"

"Good—they're pretty excited about coming back here. Summer's already started having people come by looking at the apartment."

"Did Sadie have a good time?"

"We all did—she was a little bit sorry to have to come back—she'd never been back east before."

"I always wanted to go to New York; your father promised me we'd go but you know how your father was."

"How is dad anyway?" Trey looked up from his menu.

"Pretty good—keeping busy with Julie and Adam. They were up for Passover to keep Sandy and Kirsten company, so they seem pretty good." Ryan always felt very awkward when discussing his father with Dawn and Trey; they had never really approved of Frank, or Julie Cooper. Whenever Ryan spoke of his father to them, he felt judgment hanging over his head as well, as if he deserved some sort of criticism for his acceptance of the once abusive father.

"That's nice." The waiter returned and took their lunch orders. "You have plans with Sadie this weekend?"

"No she's up in Stanford—remember?"

"I forgot yes—she must hate that she had to go out on the road again—I mean, you just got back from Rhode Island yesterday."

"It's a little tough on her—it's not much of a trip at all but the woman who's retiring was anxious for her to see the place. Plus Sadie wants to do a little apartment hunting so she thought she'd get started early."

"Are you guys going to live together?" Ryan nodded in affirmation despite the look of disapproval that crossed Dawn's face. "That's a big step man."

"I know—but I think we're ready for it." Trey looked at his brother and seemed to be considering his words.

"But you don't love her—do you?"

"I don't know how I feel about her. I care a lot about her." Ryan wasn't sure what to call the feeling. It was really unlike he had known before. With Marissa and Taylor, his love for them had been such a bubbling happiness, such a giddy thing that had left him frightened that such a feeling could be lost. With girls such as Lindsay and Theresa, and with Sadie years before, he had felt a strong affection. It was not love, and the pain of those separations had been easier to swallow. Now, Ryan felt something that was not the bubbling happiness of the past; no, that was not it. His feelings for Sadie did not burn like a mad flame. It was an easy affection, a deep sentimentality that felt comfortable and secure. It was easy being with Sadie and he liked that, but it was not love.

"You should figure that out soon."

"Oh don't pressure your brother too much—he'll figure it out." Dawn smiled at Ryan; she always seemed to have a smile on her face these days when she spoke of love. It was a curious thing; she had no men in her life and did not seem to want any, but when Trey or Ryan or someone else around her spoke of that magic word, her face lit up in ecstasy. Dawn approved of Sadie even though she disapproved of their sinful relationship; that disapproval did not stop her from grinning about the subject of love. "I fell in love with your father the moment I saw him. I was at the movies with some friends and when your father walked into the theater, it was if the world stopped. I could see nothing but your father and at that moment I didn't think there could ever be, no matter how hard I looked, another man who was as gorgeous as he." She giggled and blushed slightly, embarrassed at the intensity of her memory. "That ever happen to you?" Her eyes were on Ryan.

"Only once." It had been Marissa; the first time he saw her he thought in his mind that he had never seen, and would never see, such a beautiful girl again.

"Taylor?"

"No—Marissa. I think the first time I saw Taylor she had quite the opposite affect on me. I thought to myself that this is one of the most annoying and selfish girls I'd ever meet. Taylor never really registered for me until our senior year."

"What about when you saw Sadie for the first time?"

"I thought she was gorgeous; she looked kind."

"You were right about her."

"I was right about them all—Marissa, Taylor. No one stays the same though—everything changes."

"So you might change about how you feel for Sadie."

"And she might change the way she feels about me."

"You just have to keep your heart open to change Ryan—it can bring about wonderful things." Ryan smiled at his brother. Yes it could; change had come for all of them. It had changed Frank and Julie; Summer, Dawn and Trey were different now. Taylor had changed once before and might change once again.
"It's just hard to keep up with sometimes." His thoughts rested on Taylor; how many different guises she had worn already! Ryan thought of his first impression of her, so ugly and selfish. That had been in his first year at Newport. She had changed so much through her friendship with Summer and then again through her love for Ryan. A small smile crept across his face as he thought of her then. Such sweetness; such life and vibrancy. Was it still there or was it something lost forever, another thing crushed and floating through the universe?