Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer's characters
A/N: It's been forever since my last update! Hope you like it - tell me.
This is a very long chapter, please let me know if I did it alright.
Why?
Edward Cullen had just kissed me.
Again.
I just could not understand why he would want to. What was I to him? He never said. He didn't talk much and when he did, I just stood there, catching all his words, but not understanding them. Was it because he pitied me? Was it because he liked being an awful tease to me and hurt me more and embarrass me more?
Really? I thought to myself. Did I - no, could I really believe that?
I hate not to know. I was even too embarrassed myself about that kiss. It's just a kiss... then again, not. I laid that embarrassment aside for a moment. Just a moment so I could tell myself that that kiss had been different than the others. At the hotel, his kiss was... determined, full of confidence. He had wanted that, yes. I remember how he had wanted it. My memory was clouded by my own fear that day. I closed my eyes and tried to remember that kiss.
But I couldn't. I couldn't remember what it was like. My mind had completely shut it out. Had he been gentle or rough? Had he been slow or fast? Had he watched me, made sure he wasn't doing something I didn't like, or did he just think about his own feelings and pleasure? Did he even care about me at that moment? Or just himself?
I remembered, faintly, that I had told him to get off and then I left. I'm sorry. Yes, he had apologized. What else? I closed my eyes tighter, trying to remember the incident months ago. He had given me space and time and he had come after me. He had thanked me, in that letter, for the kiss.
Who says 'thank you' for a kiss these days?
I gaped at myself for suddenly finding so much interest in a Edward kiss. I quickly shook my head, when I realized exactly why I was thinking back about that kiss. It was because, back then, the kiss had been different, even if my memory was failing me.
This kiss, just now, was mournful. I could almost feel him kiss the words 'I'm sorry' and I wondered what for he was sorry now. My instinct was telling me, that it wasn't just because he had kissed me all of a sudden. The reason was something else entirely. The reason had to do, of course, something with me.
I touched my lips, my cheeks, where he had laid his fingers and lips. He had been gentle this time. Had I been too persistent? Saying that he had kissed Tanya, and not me? Did he want to show me - I gulped, that he wanted to kiss me? Not just saying the words, but also performing the act.
I took a deep breath. No more thinking, it's time to get out of this house. I got up and didn't look at my reflection in the mirror. I already knew what I would see in there. Slowly I opened the door and hoped that neither Jasper or Edward were near me. I didn't want to say goodbye.
When I was outside, I was still trying to be soundless and suddenly regretted it a lot that I had let Jasper take me to his place. My only option would be to go back to school and pick up my car. I had already made some distance between myself and the house, but I still kept quiet. I just knew that a goodbye would be awkward. Maybe I'd even thank him, like he had thanked me, out of my haste to get out and then that would be really awkward. On my side only, of course.
I could already see the smirk he would be wearing.
Actually - I could feel his presence. 'Running, Bella?'
I jumped at the sound and spun around, looking in a pair of green eyes. 'Jesus, Edward!' I shrieked.
He was leaning behind a tree. Of course he was hiding himself, but how would he know I would sneak out?
He took a drag of his cigarette. Of course.
'I can take you, to were ever you want to go,' he said casually, looking at me and then blowing out smoke. I made a face of disgust.
'I don't want you to take me anywhere,' I said, slightly annoyed, but I couldn't even figure out myself where my annoyance was coming from. Maybe it was just because Edward was so madly in love with his cigarette. And maybe because I couldn't get rid of the image how Edward was kissing Tanya. I bit my lip when I realized that could be the reason why I was annoyed. 'Goodbye.' I started walking towards school again. This was going to take forever.
It was only after ten seconds I deeply sighed and groaned. 'Will you please stop following me?'
'No.'
Again I groaned in frustration. But I stayed calm and asked, 'Why not?' He just had to talk more. Maybe then he would make sense to my poor brain, which was really making over hours whenever Edward was near me!
'Because I'm waiting for the point where you're too exhausted to take one more step, drag you to my car and take you home.'
I turned and gave him a if-it-were-only-that-simple look. 'Don't talk to me like you know me or know everything about me. Watch me walk all the way to school.' I turned and walked a little faster.
'Oh, I'm watching,' he muttered.
I ignored him and after a minute walking through the woods, I had no idea which way to go.
And the arrogant bastard behind me was only enjoying his cigarette. Oh, why am I so terrible at finding roads?
'Problems, Isabella?' he asked from behind me. His humour was back, I could hear it in his voice. He was standing too close, because I could smell the reeking smoke. I quickly walked on, not caring if I was heading the right way. Burning calories, fine then. I would find my way and I didn't need Edward for that.
He was following me again, but this time walked past me and walked in front of me. Leading the way? I only hoped.
He turned and smiled. It made me stop walking. I think I had a look of cranky on my face. That only made his smile grow. 'You're lost,' he accused. I tried to glare at him, but I was even too tired for that. I walked past him, making a big circle so I would avoid his cigarette smoke. He raised his eyebrows as I passed him and I continued. What else was there to do? Tell him why yes I am lost, are you going to help me now or what? I rolled my eyes. I was being an idiot and if I knew it, Edward certainly knew that too.
'Why refuse my offer?' he asked, this time with no humour. He was really asking. I didn't have an answer to it, it was a perfectly fine offer. But then I quickly came up with a reason, just so he wouldn't think I was being stubborn.
'I wouldn't have my car to go to school tomorrow,' I said. That should be a good reason.
'No, that won't do,' he said.
I scowled and he walked next to me and looked at me. 'Do what?'
'That's won't do as a reason,' he said slowly. 'You must know I wouldn't let a girl take care of herself, when I know that I'm the one that brought her in the position she is in and that I will try to also get her out of the position?'
I gaped a little at him, because I just couldn't believe he just said that. I wanted to ask what position, but he was already talking.
'So, Bella, be the wise girl I know you are, and say the one word I want to hear,' he said, smiling again when he saw my astonished face. I watched him crush his cigarette on a tree and then drop it on the ground. I was looking at the dead cigarette and he cleared his throat after I think was a minute.
My brain was becoming one big mush and I had no idea anymore what the topic was what we were talking about. Idiot I hissed at myself. 'Which is?' I asked dumbly.
'Sweet Jesus, you are so easily distracted,' he said, throwing his head behind and then looking back at me. He looked at me in disbelief and shook his head to himself.
I glared again, because his accusation was somehow bothering. 'It's not my fault you're so-' I started but then shut my mouth and feeling like the biggest idiot. See, why couldn't I just not talk and I would prevent feeling like such a moron right now?
Edward waited for a second, his head cocked a little to the right and watching me with curiosity. Shit. 'Please, don't stop now. What am I? So...what?' He scowled, trying to figure out. He didn't know what I had wanted to say and I intended to keep him in the shadows! He narrowed his eyes. No, no, was he figuring it out?
I looked in horror and he only was more curious. I shook my head as fast as I could. Drop the subject, please, I tried to say with my eyes.
'Continue,' he said, but it was said playfully, with no demand in his voice. 'Please?' He even added please! God, pure torture, that's what this is! I had a vague feeling that he knew exactly what I had wanted to say and was now teasing about it, knowing how uncomfortable it was making me. 'It can't be that awful.'
Of course he knew I was about to say it wasn't my fault that he's so hot. An amazingly, gorgeous, hot, sex God, never leaving a room with not every eye watching him the entire time, amazed at what they see.
The sexy Edward Cullen. Gorgeous in every possible manner. He could make it as a famous model having any girl he ever dreamed off.
Even you?
I jumped at the sound of my own voice in my head. No, why would he want me?
Shit, I was feeling a blush creep up my cheeks. No, no, no, he's walking toward me! He had a sly smile on his lips and when he stood in front of me, I stared like a caged animal, waiting for the one outside the cage to make a decision of what to do what the caged one.
He only shook his head and grabbed my shoulders and lightly shook me. 'You are killing me,' he whispered. 'If you only knew how much I want to...'
I looked at him with big eyes. 'You want to do what?' I asked. He smiled a mean little smile.
'See what I mean? Don't finish a sentence and you leave the other wonder what it was that they possibly wanted to say... And, still, you are killing me!'
I scowled, because that was what he was exactly what he was doing to me. What was I doing to him? Nothing at all.
'You are really going to be the death of me some day,' he murmured. I dropped my eyes and he instantly shook me. My eyes shot up again. His green eyes weren't leaving my terrified ones. 'I won't laugh,' he said seriously. Shit, he still wanted to know. I quickly looked around, trying to find an escape.
No escape possible. Only trees, a Gorgeous boy and a Weak girl that can't find it in her to shut her mouth.
'You've got every girl drooling over you.' And that's about all I said. I blushed deeply, staring intently at a tree, but I could see out of the corner of my eyes, that he was making a face.
'That doesn't sound right.'
That only frustrated me more. 'God, it means you're hot!'
SHIT! I turned, punching myself internally at saying that out loud. I put my hand on my mouth.
He snorted. 'That's old info, sweetheart. But... if that's what distracting you, you're right... It's not your fault.' He whispered the last part in my ear and I shuddered and instantly I lost balance. Edward had to put his hands on my waist and had prevented me from falling.
'I get interesting reactions out of you,' he said from behind me. 'Shudders and losing balances. I can't figure out if that's good or bad... And blushes.'
'Please, Edward,' I moaned as embarrassed as a girl could be. But at least he didn't laugh.
'Alright, alright,' he said, his hands creeping up my arms and before I knew it, his arms were around me, pressing me against him. 'Are you finally accepting my offer or do I have to persuade you some more?'
'Oh, is that what you were doing?' I asked, finding back my sarcasm and I grinned when he was quiet for a moment. I felt that his fingers went to my collarbone, lightly touching it and making a pattern, slowly going from right to the left, and back. It tickled and at the same time it felt so good.
My whole body shivered and he held my tighter when I was about to stumble on the ground again. My head felt back on his chest and his fingers went up, over my neck. His touch was light, but I felt it clear on my skin and he kept tracing patrons until he reached my lips. His touch made me shiver again. I was in a completely lost trance and my body loved it.
'You're not cold, are you? You keep shivering.' The voice behind me was talking nonsense.
'It's you,' I murmured. 'So good. Feels great.' My body had also taken control of my mouth and it was saying things on its on effort. Feelings I had never felt before, were creeping in my body. It was scary, because I didn't know what to think of those feelings.
I felt his breath on my neck and I was sure he would kiss me. I sighed in content. I was where I wanted to be, right? 'Bella, Bella, Bella, you shouldn't be so damn complying to me. Have you already forgotten who I am? Edward Cullen, the horrific person that I am? The cigarettes I smoke, the drugs I use and used, the way I have treated you in the past and today... Hurting you... even though it was against my own will.' He murmured the last part.
My eyes flew open when he was bringing back images with only his words. And that's when I got out of the trance and finally was able to think clearly again.
Shit, what is wrong with me today?
He was completely taking over my body with some light touches and I, like he said, was so damn complying! Shit, was I needy or something? I groaned and pushed myself out of his grip, even though he at first only held onto me tighter. Like he didn't want to let go of me... Yeah right, I was imagining things. I couldn't even trust my own instincts anymore. I didn't dare to turn and face him.
I had just behaved like a damn slut! What had been my plan? Let Edward fuck me on the grass, right here, right now? Was I crazy? It was only hours ago he had been kissing another slut!
I sniffled when I realized my stupid mistake. Or the mistake that I would have just made.
If Edward hadn't warned me.
What is this? Do I own him a 'thank you for the warning' before taking my virginity now? I rolled my eyes at myself.
'Bella, talk to me,' he said softly, almost a whisper. 'Tell me what you are thinking.'
'I'm a slut,' I murmured, tears slowly dropping. 'Shit!' I wanted to punch myself. I wanted to ask Edward if he would punch some sense into me.
Edward came to stand in front of me with humour in his eyes. I glared trough the tears. There was nothing funny about the situation. He dried away the tears with his fingers, like it was the most normal thing to do. 'You're not a slut. Bella, I've known sluts and you are the opposite.' He laughed a little when he said, 'You're pure sweetness. Like sugar. Or honey.'
'My ass I'm sweet,' I murmured.
I heard his chuckle. 'It's okay to lust over someone, Bella. It's easily taken care of. Much, much more easier than loving someone.'
I gaped at him. What? 'I'm not lusting,' I said in a tiny voice, looking at my feet. I made a face as my brain registered another part of what he had said. Easily taken care of. Sex, that was what he was talking about. I stared at him in confusion. He was only watching me very carefully, his eyes not leaving my face. 'What, shall I just grab a cigarette and lie down, smoking it while you are taking me in all ways possible?' I said loudly. 'Because I will!' I reached for his packet of cigarettes, which was in his pocket, but he stopped my hands. He held them tightly and I couldn't move them.
'You are upset,' he said carefully. 'I won't let you taint yourself.'
I looked at him like he was crazy. 'With a cigarette? Please, you wanted me to smoke in New York, what's the difference now?'
He looked momentarily taken aback until he reached for his pocket and pulled a cigarette out of the package. He lit it on and first took a drag himself. He was looking at me all the time. 'Fine, whatever, Bells. Here you go.' And he put the cigarette an inch away from my mouth. He eyed me carefully and I was feeling self-conscious. 'You do realize, Bella, you're about to do drugs. Nicotine is a drug.' The harshness in his voice made me too scared to even get near the cigarette.
I gaped a little, only because how angry he looked and what happened next, was that my lips touched the cigarette in that progress and he groaned. 'You really want this?' he said, looking at the cigarette in disgust. I wanted to scowl, say no, I changed my mind, but he was already grabbing my head and crushed his lips so hard on mine, that it hurt.
What the hell just happened? His lips were moving hard, fast and mine stayed still, dead, and I heard him groan again when I wouldn't comply. His teeth were in my bottom lip, hard, like the kiss had been and I gasped at the pain and I felt his tongue enter my mouth. I made high noises, but he only quickened his movement. It was then I tasted the smoke, the ashy taste. It was disgusting, really, and I wasn't exaggerating. Yuck. I put my hands on his chest and pushed him hard.
This kiss really scared me. This kiss was ferocity, hatred. This kiss was even, almost, revenge of something I did not know. Edward grabbed my hands and put them in one of his. His other hand crept on my neck, holding me in place and I opened my eyes, agonized. I pushed my head, kept pushing and I yanked at my hands.
It was no effort.
I could move nothing, nothing at all. Not my arms, not my legs, because somehow he had made sure of that too and not my head. When I felt his lips wanted to bite my lower lip again, I remembered something I had said to a police officer in New York. I bite. I still have my own teeth. Before Edward had time to know what I wanted to do, I bit into his lip, lower or upper, I had no idea, but I did know that it had nothing to do with pleasure. I bit hard and finally he let go and stepped back, touching his lips. He checked his finger but I hadn't bit him that hard, so he wasn't bleeding.
I wanted to run away from him. I couldn't stand him for even one more second. My legs gave up on me though and I sank on the ground, put my head on my knees and stared open eyed at nothing.
This kiss was hatred, pain and agonizingly long. I tasted blood and when I brought my fingers to my mouth and watched them, there was in fact blood on my lips. He had bit me that hard.
'You're sick,' I hissed, but the anger changed and I started to sob on my knees in the middle of nowhere.
A drop of blood on my lip was rolling over my chin, slowly and I wanted to wipe it off, but I couldn't. Instead, it got mixed with teardrops.
I took several deep breaths. I've had enough of myself and Edward and enough of the combination him and me.
His voice made my had snap up. 'I know.' It was a low whisper and he was leaning against a tree with his head in his hands. He looked exhausted and... worn? I was staring at him again, wondering what was going trough his sick head. At least he had made some distance between us. His eyes were suddenly on mine and then his face changed into one of total abhorrence. His face crumbled into disgust and my breath hitched. Was he disgusted by me, now? He came over to me in a hurried pace and I widened my eyes and put one of my feet up.
'Stay there!' I yelled, ready to kick him if he got near me. My voice shook and I was feeling petrified he might do it again.
He stopped immediately, and closed his eyes. I could here his fast breathing. For once I didn't care if he was alright. He'd done enough to me and if he was suffering right now, then I would gladly watch.
He dropped himself on the ground and watched me. His eyes looked so painful. Good.
I shifted a little, and felt pain at some places of my body. I looked at my wrist and there were blue spots. I touched my cheeks and it hurt when I pressed too hard. The same went for the sides of my head, just above my ears. And my neck. Then pain was exactly the same as the one on my wrist.
And I knew that it was probably as blue as the blue spots on my wrist.
Those were all the places that Edward had laid his hands on.
'You're so sick,' I started. 'You've made me bleed and,' I stared at my wrist, 'blue.'
Edward didn't say a thing and when I looked at him, he had his hands at his temples and lightly rocking himself back and forth. 'I am so sorry,' he murmured.
I found strength to watch him for something what felt like an age and he just had his eyes wide open and staring into space. My guts were telling me that he had his mind on that kiss.
'Explain,' I demanded.
He shook his head and quickly said, 'The explanation is sick too, you don't want to hear.'
I wanted to throw something at him. 'I'm asking, aren't I? I'd rather want a sick explanation then not one at all.'
He looked up briefly, scanned my face and dropped his head again. I think he was cursing, but I couldn't hear it well.
'You wanted to smoke. I didn't want you to smoke. Instead I gave you a taste of cigarettes.'
I scowled, totally confused now. He had done that, just to prevent me from smoking, while in fact, there was a time, that he actually wanted me to smoke? I know what he meant with taste. I had tasted the disgusting ashy taste when he had kissed me. He glanced at me again and dropped his head and groaned. 'You're so fragile, I didn't how you'd end up bleeding and this blue, like you have just been in some fight.'
I tiredly closed my eyes. 'I was in a fight.' I wasn't sarcastic. Not one moment went by, when I wasn't trying to figure out how to stop Edward.
He slowly brought up his head and our eyes locked again. He shook his head, his eyes were still looking like he was in pain.
'All of this... because you don't want me to smoke?' I asked, finding a little courage to continue talking.
'I'm trying to quit everyday, I just don't want you to be in such pain of wanting something so badly and then knowing you'll never be able to have her, because you've been a douche to her and caused her to look like Rocky.' He had talked so fast, with no stutter and so much shame, it made me stare at him.
I laughed once and quickly covered it with my hand. God, maybe I'm sick too, laughing after something so dramatic.
'What the fuck are you laughing at?' he said, his voice surprised and angry.
That made me burst into a laughter that I could not stop, no matter what. This felt so relieving. I laid on the ground and laughed hysterically. I caught his eyes and he looked at me like I had gone crazy.
'Can't you see?' I asked between my laughter.
'What?' he asked quickly, eager even.
'I don't know, actually. I thought you might. Why aren't you laughing?' I didn't know if he had heard me, because me laughing was hard and I had talked between laughter's.
Suddenly Edward was sitting in front of my and my laughter seized. I swallowed. I hadn't seen him move and suddenly he was in front of me. His hand came toward me in slow motion and I closed my eyes in fear, now. The laughing stopped and so did my breathing. His fingers went over my bottom lip and chin and then the back of his hand went over my cheeps. He withdrew his hand and I opened my eyes in time to see him wipe of his hand on his white shirt. It turned red from my blood and wet from my tears. He softly traced his fingers over my head now, at where his hands had been a few minutes ago, only now he was only touching it softly. He traced his fingers over my neck, scowling as he did. He took my hands in his and looked at my wrist. At last, he softly took my lower lip between his fingers, and he looked at it with narrowed eyes, but he didn't come closer.
'I didn't want you to taint yourself with a cigarette. Instead, I tainted you myself. If I knew that you were this fragile, I would have given you the whole packet to smoke.' He touched another bruise at my neck. 'I didn't know I was squeezing this hard,' he whispered.
'Great acting job,' I said. Wow, where had that come from? Because, I actually believed him. For the first time, I told myself that this wasn't a lie.
'I am not,' he said slowly, 'acting right now. I swear.'
He put his head in his hands again and sighed deeply and loudly. 'Bella, would you like me to call Jasper? He can bring you home.' His eyes were closed and his eyebrows were furrowed. I gasped when I knew he wanted my answer to be no. I just knew. The way he was trying to already take the hit of when I said yes.
I surprised us both with my answer. 'No.' He eyes went open, but the furrow remained. He looked shocked.
'Bella... please...' he said, each time trailing of.
'Edward, if you want me to understand you, you must articulate better,' I said amazingly sweet with a smile. When he looked with one raised eyebrow, my smile dropped. 'I think you messed my brain too,' I said between another fit of laughter.
'Shit,' he said, trying to reach for me, but then he just dropped his hand. 'Bella, are you okay?'
I laughed in response.
'You're in shock.'
My laughing increased.
'I should have never laid my hands on you,' he said softly. I looked at him trough teary eyes. I had laughed so hard, I hadn't noticed the pain on my lip. I softly rubbed it.
Then, suddenly he looked determined. I quickly looked away, because he hadn't seen me see that look on his face.
'I would understand if you wanted to leave now,' he said.
In response, I remained on the ground, lying there, looking at the black clouds.
'I want you to...' I started with a sigh, 'explain again.'
I felt his finger trace my neck. 'What will you say if someone asks you about them?'
'That I like it rough and kinky,' I said dryly.
'You're still in shock,' he accused.
'Well, maybe that will go away if you explain again. Only better now.'
'I'm so sorry, Bella,' he said, again those eyes looking painful.
I sat back up and slapped his face hard. There. 'Edward, I forgive you. The wound will recover. The blue will go. And now,' when he brought his face back to mine, looking confused, I slapped him again, 'we're even. Okay? Would you, damn it, please, explain.'
For a moment, he did not say a thing. I was getting nervous. Had I gone too far? But not further then Edward had. 'I already told you,' he said, looking at me blankly. I shrugged. 'I just knew how much you hate the smell and I thought, when you wanted to smoke it, you would hate the taste more then the smell. So... I did that. Giving you another reason to hate it... to not start it.'
I scowled. 'I never wanted to smoke. You jumped to that conclusion. If you only waited a second, I would have stepped back like a coward.' I rolled my eyes and then smirked in the air. This whole thing was stupid.
'You... didn't? So all of that... for nothing?' he said in disbelief. I shrugged and since I was still looking in the air, I didn't know if he could see me. 'When someone steps back out of something that they at first wanted to do, they have more strength and courage then they might want to admit.'
'Jeez, thanks,' I murmured. I put my lower lip between my teeth, feeling it was bigger.
'And you forgive me, huh?' he said. 'How can you?'
'I keep telling myself this is the way you are,' I replied. He looked at me with big eyes, like he wanted to protest. 'Fake or real you,' I added with a shrug. He nodded once. 'Which one?'
He glanced up at me. 'One hundred percent fake, Bella.' He put his hand on my back and I looked up in alarm. 'This...' he said, lifting me up, 'is one hundred percent real.'
I looked lazily at the ground and he stood for a second, totally still. 'Aren't you going to protest?'
I cracked a smile and ended up looking at him. 'Please, Edward, put me down,' I said dryly, no convincing in my voice.
'No, Bella, you either like this or not,' he said, also dryly.
'Since I can't win any argument over you, why protest?' I asked.
'True,' he said. I stiffened. 'What?'
'Nothing,' I croaked out. Wasn't I weighing too much for him?
'You're as light as a feather,' he said, as if he had read my mind.
'Oh,' I mumbled. We reached his car and he let go of me.
He looked troubled. 'I can ask Jasper to take you.'
'You don't want to take me?'
'What? No-'
'Didn't you just say you would get a girl out of the position she's in, especially if you brought her in it?' I raised my eyebrows at him.
'Okay, I'll take you,' he snapped. He got on the car. I hurried in.
'I'm sorry, are you mad?'
He was trailing his fingers over the blood stains on the wheel.
'Shit!' I had forgotten about the damage I had caused in his car. 'I'll pay you. I'm sorry, but Jasper insisted on me driving. Just tell me how-'
'Shut up,' Edward interrupted me. I looked down scared and a little offended. 'No, not like that, Bella. I just meant, I don't give a shit, so drop it. Blood isn't foul to me. Talk about something else. You have a very talk active mouth today.'
He looked in my direction and gave me a teeth showing smile and I glared at him.
'Do you know where I live?'
'If I remember correctly, at the place with the thingy and where the streets are scary.'
He gave me a pointed look and I dropped my head and blushed. I always acted like an idiot around him and he kept reminding me of it.
'Small and scary,' he corrected himself. God. 'You're funny. You look mortified.'
'Good luck finding it,' I threw at him. He'll get lost.
I glanced at the clock. 10:36. I closed my eyes, but when I heard his car stop a little later, I still hadn't fallen asleep.
The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes, was my house. Damn it. I glanced at the clock. 10:42. I groaned out loud. How did he do it? I pulled the car door open and hopped out. 'Shit!'
'What?'
'I think I left my bag at your house,' I murmured.
'Good think I'm coming here tomorrow morning then,' he said, closing his door. I then realized he had gotten out to.
'Ehm, what are you doing?'
He scowled. 'You tell me?'
'Why aren't you heading back home?'
'Where's your rooster?' he asked, ignoring my question.
'In my room,' I said slowly. 'Why are we talking about my dead rooster?'
He nodded once, again just ignoring my questions. 'I'll be right back.' He went to the house and looked under the flowerpot, where the extra key was. I gaped at him, while he unlocked and entered the house.
He took his time to get back and I was too scared to get into my own house and see what was keeping him. But then, he slowly made it, with the box and dead rooster in it. I looked at him, coming my way.
'What are you doing?' I asked.
He went to the back of his car with the box. I was frozen at my place. He opened the back of his car and pulled out a shovel. He did something else and I couldn't see what and I didn't bother asking. He was ignoring my questions anyway.
'I figured I'd help you with burying Jake, so it would be less hard on you, knowing you didn't have to do it all alone. It that okay?'
I nodded my head slowly and was grateful, actually, to have him here. He handed me over the box and I could already smell dead coming off of him. He needed to be buried fast. He held the shovel and waited. I looked at him and waited myself.
'Where do you want the hole?' he asked.
I looked around, seeing a little hill which seemed like a good place. I walked towards it and he followed me. 'Here?' he asked, putting the shovel on the ground. I nodded again. He started making a few feet deep hole and I sat down, at first watching him, but soon I pulled of the shirt and saw Jake. I reached over to touch him, and with my index finger I stroked his head. Jake, I was suck a bad pet keeper. You didn't get any attention, even though you did mean so much to me. I kept stroking and stroking, not sure if I would be able to stop.
I don't know how much time had passed, but I stopped stroking for a second and just watched him. Then, when I looked up at Edward, he was watching me, with sad eyes. 'I don't want your pity.' The words were out before I even knew it. His eyes went back to its normal self.
'I'm done,' he said. I walked on my knees over to the hole, pushed the box with me, and approved of how deep it was. I slowly put the shirt back over Jake and closed the box. I grabbed the top and slowly reached until the bottom of the box was touching the bottom of the hole. Bye.
'Jake, I may not have known you, but you sure as hell were the luckiest rooster to have Bella as your keeper.'
I was shocked and surprised at his statement, which was false in so many different ways. I looked at the box. 'Jacob, I have failed you in every different way, didn't give you the attention you needed, didn't deserve you, but even though I didn't show you enough how much I love you, didn't mean that you didn't mean a lot to me. You have been my help these past few month and you're the reason I got through them. I thank you. Bye, bye.'
I couldn't look up at Edward, sure that he had a look of disgust on his face, knowing I had failed the damn animal. Just to do something, anything, I pushed my hands in the muddy sand and pushed it towards the hole. I started to cry. The sound it made when it touched the box was awful. I quickly continued, made it my job to keep doing it until the sand hill Edward had dug, would be back in the hole. I don't know how long it took me, but in the end, there was a little hill of sand and Jake was buried.
I could see Edward's shoes and I slowly looked up, to see him looking at me in awe.
'I'm horrible,' I said. Edward had a small, sad smile on his lips and dropped the shovel and came over to me. He dropped on his knees too and put my left arm around his neck, put his right arm on my back and his left arm under my knees, and just like that, I was in his arm again.
'Shh,' he whispered in my ear and then looked me in the eye. I cried harder and I wasn't aware what he was doing. He could be taking off all my clothes, for all I knew.
When the crying was lessening, I could finally watch my surroundings. I was definitely still wearing my clothes and I saw that we were in my own room. He was sitting on my bed with me on his lap. He had taken of his and my shoes. When? Had I gone that numb? 'I'm sorry I'm taking all of your time and ruining your clothes with my tears.'
He pulled me tighter to him and rested the top of his head on the side of mine. 'You really need to learn to shut up.' He laughed a little and even I was able to laugh too. But only a little. 'Bella, I'm sorry,' he murmured. His lips were on the side of my eye, distracting me like hell.
'What for, now?' I asked.
'This and that,' he murmured.
'Crystal clear,' I said, with much sarcasm in my voice.
'Ignorance is bliss, and you'll be ignorant for a day or two and then... not anymore,' he said.
We sat there for a few more minutes, until he suddenly stood up and put me on the bed. He pulled on his shoes, quickly and went to my door and just before he wanted to close it and leave, he glanced back and smiled. I was watching him with big eyes. 'I'll be right back,' he reassured. He closed the door and went down.
I closed my eyes and smiled when the door opened again. Some part of me hated it that I was glad that Edward was with me.
No!
I squeezed my eyes shut, because suddenly I realized exactly what Edward had just done.
He had brought food.
Slowly I looked at him, bringing two plates towards me. I swallowed and watched him in fear.
'Lunch time,' he said. I dropped my head in my hands at those words. He put the plates on my bed and sat on the opposite side of me. He took my chin and brought my head up, slowly closing the distance between us. I pushed my head back, making more distance.
'Did you eat that burger I told you to eat?' he said, raising his eyebrows. I dropped my eyes. I didn't want to eat.
'I can't do this!' I said with teary eyes, getting of the bed and heading to my window.
'Are we still at that phase?' he said and I heard the clear annoyance in his voice. He's saying I'm going trough a phase! I flinched when he touched my shoulder. He put his arms around me and I closed my eyes. I felt something press my mouth and knew exactly what he was doing. I squeaked and squirmed, but his grip tightened, so I dropped all of my weight, which would have resulted in us both falling, but Edward was too strong and was holding all of my weight in his arms now. 'You weigh nothing, Bella,' he almost hissed.
'Let go,' I said and he took his advantage of pushing the bread with cheese in my mouth and I took the bite, because there was nothing else I could have done. I chewed it in disgust and glared at the trees outside. This time I didn't say a thing.
'Stubborn girl,' he said and I gaped without thinking, when Edward took his advantage and pushed the bread again. This time I groaned and snatched the bread out of his hand. I knew what I would do. I ate it in less then a minute and went to my plate and pushed that bread in my mouth too, finishing it in seconds. 'Bella?' he asked with concern. He wasn't getting my attention now. My attention was on the food and I grabbed Edward's bread as well and finished it in no time. I went to the toilet and pushed my finger in my throat, loudly getting it all out again. Once I was done, I went back to him and glared at his shocked face.
'Are you crazy, Bella?' he said. 'What is this all about?' He was talking very loudly now, barely containing his anger. 'What is this you are doing and what the hell for are you doing it? This anorexia issue has gone way too far!'
'I ate, didn't I? So what is your problem?' I asked, throwing his words in his face. And then I remembered. 'You knew where our spare key was. You avoided my questions. You went into my house without asking first if you were allowed! You went to my room! And I don't want you around anymore!'
He nodded. 'I know.' He went to the door and glanced at me for a second. 'I'll be here at a 7:45 with your bag. Until then.' He left, silently closing the door.
'And you kissed me after you kissed Tanya!' I screamed at the closed door. 'Is that your idea of a joke?' I whispered at myself, 'Yeah, go kiss Bella, because she is the joke of the year, here in Forks.'
When I heard his car leave, all I could do was exercise. I did sit-ups, ran up and down the stairs, jumped until my hearth couldn't absolutely take it anymore and I dropped on the floor and closed my eyes.
It was late when I woke and I had fallen asleep on the floor in my room. I was freezing, the sweat on my body was getting cold, so I ran to the bathroom for a hot shower.
With no energy what so ever, I pulled on a shirt and sweats with my eyes closed and got into bed with my hair wet, sleeping restlessly.
The next morning, I missed the sound that woke me up everything. I really missed it. I glanced out the window, at the place where Jacob was resting now.
'Bella?' Charlie called from behind the door.
'Come in,' I said. The door opened slowly.
'I didn't want to wake you last night, but, where is the rooster?' he asked.
I pointed at the little hill outside and Charlie came to look. When he knew what I was pointing at, he stopped breathing for a moment.
'He died? You buried him?'
His eyes were big when I glanced at him and I shook my head. 'Edward did most of the job.'
'I'm sorry, did you say Edward?' he asked.
'Dad, please,' I said. 'I can't talk about him now.' My voice was sounding awful and I only hoped that Charlie wouldn't hear the hurt in it. He was quiet for moment.
'Bella,' he said, turning my body in his direction. He scanned my face and neck. 'You look like-'
'Rocky, I know,' I interrupted.
'Bella! That's not funny! What happened?'
'Please, I can't talk about that, really.'
'Are you alright? Would you like to call in sick? Bella! What happened to your hands?' I looked at him and he was looking, for the first time, I guess, at my hands.
'I can't talk about that either...'
'And would you mind telling me where your car is?' he asked. His voice was getting the demanding kind it gets when parents can't get the truth out of their children.
'At school.'
'Why?'
I sighed. 'I can't say.' Because, in the end, also that as to do with my hands, my bruised and Edward.
'Jeez, Bells. I miss the real Bella.'
'Real?' I asked, scowling and I turned to look at him.
'This isn't Bella,' he said, pointing at me. He was already wearing his police uniform, but for the first time since I had been back here, I felt like I was really talking to my Dad. 'This is eating disorder Anorexia who is talking to me. Bella would have wanted to talk to me about the rooster, her hands, her car, her injuries... and Edward. No matter how bad the things are. I know something is bugging you and I can't force you to tell me. But I hope there is someone to who you can talk to. Right now, I don't care if that person turns out to be Edward.'
'I told you, I don't want to talk about Edward.'
'You did and I also see that there are feelings you have for the kid,' he said, raising his eyebrows.
'I don't,' I said, pulling up my lips in disgust. 'He shows no respect, all he ever does is smoke and have mood swings.' Bruise me, make me bleed...
'Even you, Bella, can look through that.' Would he say the same if he knew Edward had caused the injuries? 'I can't stand to watch you die and lose yourself to something that is so powerful. We don't talk a lot, Bella, but you still are my daughter and Renee still remains your mother. We love you both. Don't forget that.'
At the mention of Renee, my eyes started to water. 'Renee doesn't care. She treats me like... not a daughter...'
'Bella, she loves you but hates you for having something that she can't protect you from, because you already have it. She doesn't hate you directly, but anorexia. She hates seeing you die, too. She sent you to me, to me, Bella. You know about Renee and me, we didn't get along, even just after the marriage and still she decided that I was an option too. She wants you better. She wants Bella, not an eating disorder.'
I glanced outside, at Jake.
'You can't say it, can you? Admit the eating disorder?'
I shook my head, crying tears in front of my Dad.
'Please, I need to be left alone. Please, Dad.' I felt him kiss my hair and leave my room.
I glanced at the sky, feeling worn. What a tiring conversation for so early in the morning. I blocked it out immediately. I didn't care what he thought.
When I looked at the clock, I hadn't even realized that it was thirty past seven and I was wondering if he would really be here in less then fifteen minutes. I wore a thin sweater with jeans and sport shoes. I would freeze, but I didn't mind. I wanted to write something in my diary, but didn't get a chance because someone was already calling downstairs.
I froze. He was ten minutes early and I slowly went to the window to see that it was indeed him. I couldn't help but think about yesterday, and when I did, I couldn't figure out if I wanted to be pissed of or glad.
He rang again and I started to move. When I reached the door, I opened it, not looking at him and I went back to the kitchen. I sensed something was wrong. But what?
I heard him walk behind me and then the sound of my bag hitting the floor. I didn't turn. He put something on the table rather loudly. Instead of watching him, I said, 'I'll be right back.' I ran up the stairs, praying I wouldn't fall, and if I did, it would be a fast, painless death.
I survived and needed my diary, but when I looked at the nightstand, it wasn't there. I walked over there, scowling, wondering where I had left if. I looked under the bed and in the drawers, but it was nowhere.
Again my instincts told me something just wasn't right.
I swallowed. Charlie did have a very deep conversation with me this morning. Did he read my diary? Because that would explain a lot. I didn't want to feel angry though, not yet, because maybe I just wasn't looking well enough and it was still somewhere in my room. I went to the bathroom and for the first time, saw myself in the mirror. I was looking at a ghost with a few blue bruises. They weren't bad, actually. My lips was busted in the middle, but it could have been worse. I put on some mascara, black eye pencil and pink lip gloss. I had never put this much make up on and my eyes were very black and my lips very glossy and just a little pink.
I took a deep sigh and went to Charlie's room, just to quickly look around. But I couldn't find it under his bed, in his drawers or in his closet. It was eight o'clock and I had left Edward downstairs for twenty five minutes now. That should have been a punishment for him for how he behaved to me yesterday.
My journey downstairs was slow and each step was carefully taken. With my eyes on the ground, I walked toward the kitchen door. 'We should go,' I said.
'In a minute,' he answered. I slowly turned, to see him sitting low in the chair, resting his back on the wall. One foot was resting on the edge of the chair and one elbow was on the table and the other on top of the chair. His eyes were watching me intently and he was looking very boyish the way he was sitting.
'For what?' I asked. He nodded towards something on the table and then his eyes were on mine again.
I deeply sighed and walked towards the table, closer to him. My eyes landed on my diary, open on the table and I gasped. I gaped at him, but he didn't show any sign of emotions. I had stopped dead in my tracks, but was close enough to read something at the bottom of the page, beneath my last message. And what was written there, was not written in my handwriting. This one was elegant, a little steer and had smaller letters.
Seriously? Purge bile and blood? Dying when you reach an impossible goal? Are you really serious, Bella? Are you weighing 88 'fat' pounds?
I stared at his words and then my eyes landed on my own messages. I felt betrayed. He had read it, all of it. Each one of my thoughts. All the private things. I couldn't even look at him. I ran towards the door and yanked it open and at the same time running into it, because it didn't open. I was able to keep myself up and Edward had stood up and watched me for a second.
'Ignorance is-' he said.
'Give me my key, jerk!' I screamed.
'Bliss,' he ended.
I lunched forward, pushing his chest. 'Liar, last night I was on you and all the time you had my diary!'
'I never lied, since you didn't ask me if I had your diary. I simply apologized for something I was going to do after I left your place. I was reading all night, I kept reading it over and over.' I screamed, blocking his voice and I hit with my fist on the door.
'Give me the keys, now!' I yelled.
He handed them and I snatched them out of his hand. I found the key and tried pushing it in the lock, missing it a few times.
'I was angry at you, the whole time I was reading. But each time when I finished and started again, a little of that anger was turning into acceptance. And understandment.' The key finally entered the lock and I was able to turn it. 'I believe you have anorexia with bulimic tendencies and you will die within the next month if you proceed like this.'
All of that shit that I had written down, and he read! No restraint, no control, he just read it and came over here to throw all of it in my face. 'Fuck yourself, Cullen!' I yanked the door open and ran into the woods. My breath was already hitched and my heart was pounding in my chest. He was running behind me and I knew that he could at any time catch up with me and stop me.
However, he didn't and I kept running. I was sobbing and strangled voices were escaping me.
I think this was the most embarrassing thing he had done to me.
'Ana,' he said, his voice loud and clear. He was also awfully close.
'Ana, why?' I briefly closed my eyes and he was catching up with me. He stopped me by putting his hands on my arms and he turned me around. He pressed my back against a tree and grabbed my face very softly. My eyes landed on his. Mine felt dead, heavy and his looked mournful and wretched.
'Why are you lying, Ana?' he said, looking at me and at the same time, looking right trough me. 'In God's name, why do you make her believe all of your lies? How come your voice brings her on her knees every day, begging for your mercy? Why are you saying this,' he touched my stomach with his free hand, 'is beautiful? Why are you hurting her with these lies, Ana, why? Why do you make her feel guilty about everything she eats? Why would you torture her with your lies? Why don't you want her to have any friends? Why are you making her lie to her father and her mother?' He stopped for a second. 'I can't forgive you. I can't forgive myself. I can't take it anymore. There will be a day that she'll be happy again. That the bones won't stick out of her skin. That she'll be at the beach with no shame. There will be a day, I promise you.'
I didn't know quite sure what my face was looking like, but Edward let go of me and whispered, 'And I'm promising you too, Bella.' I averted my eyes and he sighed. 'Reading your diary was the worst thing I have done to you and it was the best thing that has happened to me.' I wanted to shrug him off, but I wasn't quit sure if it would be useful. He would just follow me again. 'You opened my eyes and half of your diary wasn't written by you. It was written by Ana. The voice in your head. The eating disorder anorexia, also know as Ana.' I gasped and my eyes couldn't look anywhere but him. His intense green gaze was all that I was looking at. I think his eyes softened at some point, but I couldn't be sure.
'I would understand if you wanted to stay here for the rest of the day. I can go to school and call you in sick.'
I was looking from right to left, confused at the many happenings that had only taken place this morning. First Charlie. Then Edward that had read my diary and then Edward calling the voice in my head Ana and was referring to me as 'her' and not 'Bella'.
'There's a message in your diary,' he said softly. 'I hope you don't mind I wrote in it. Read it now, if you like.' He nodded his head towards the house, silently telling me to go. My legs found strength again to walk towards the house and I slowly walked. When I was halfway there, I glanced back. Edward had his back towards me and hadn't come after me. I started walking faster and I reached the front door, which Edward had left open. I walked into the kitchen and read the same lines that Edward had written. I sat down and slowly turned the page.
I sighed.
If only there was a way for me to turn back time. I would have treated you better. I wouldn't have mocked your sickness. I would have done the things Carlisle wanted me to do. If only.
Bella, I feel like I, in some way, have let this sickness take you over even more. Let Ana get to you. I did so much research about anorexia only, last night. Did you know that there are more then 15 ED's? And then I also did some research about bulimia... You know why, if you think back about yesterday.
You have fallen for lies and those same lies are going to stop your heart one of these days. I hate myself for saying to you that anorexia is not real - the opposite is true and you must acknowledge that. Because if you don't, I won't forgive you for dying.
I also realise that I must let you go. You need someone nice and kind and someone that will treat you well. Mike is all of that, give him a shot. He could fix you. I can't, because that kind of a relationship requires trust and you don't have that in me. With, of course, many good reasons.
I love you. That's why I have to go. I am sorry for leaving like this. This abruptly. Please don't cry for how I betrayed you. What I read is something I won't tell anyone. I respect your privacy. I'll be gone and I can't tell for how long and I'm not even sure where I'll go.
Get well (from all that I did to you). Be happy (with whomever you want to be). You deserve it (so incredibly much).
I promise this won't be the last you'll see of me. When you are well again, we'll meet again. I'd love to see you happy. I want to see your smiling face.
Many sweet kisses,
Edward Anthony Cullen
PS. Until then.
He left? I stood up and when I looked outside of the window, his silver Volvo was gone. I hadn't heard him turn it on. He had left me. It was no joke. And... he believed in anorexia? I went back to the chair and read it again. And I kept reading it until my tears blurred the view.
He loves me.
Not enough to stay with me. But enough to leave me.
I wanted to go after him. Demand to tell me the truth. If he loves he, he can say it in my face. And then he can leave.
But the boy had played well, I had to admit. I didn't know when he had decided that he wanted to leave town, but he had made sure I wouldn't be able to follow him.
After all, my car was still at school and my legs weren't that fast.
So he didn't want me to go after him.
That thought depressed me. Maybe this was for the best. After all, he was the smart one.
I picked up my diary when my eyes had some strength again to stop crying. I flipped trough a few pages and was staring at words that weren't the ones that I had just read and also weren't mine. I gaped as I turned the page and I kept turning them until I turned the last page and slowly closed the diary.
He had written the whole diary full. I counted how many pages were left and in total there were still thirteen pages.
Thirteen pages, written by Edward, his thoughts exposed for me to read. I put my hand on my mouth and was completely dazzled.