Chapter 25: The Jedi Masters
"Hey there," I felt Satori call me in the Force.
I down to see the Zabrak vault herself up into the tree I was perched in. It was the day after Atris's funeral and I was needing some alone time so I had come to the Meditation Garden in the middle of the Academy. I was beginning to regret it; this is where Atris and I would talk when one of us needed to be alone and being here just made the pain of losing her all the more raw.
Satori settled herself on a branch to my right and just a little above me. She let out a heavy sigh, leaning back. She wasn't trying to hold back the grief right now and I saw a tear or two trickle down her cheek. Thanks to our meld and subsequent bond, we couldn't hide stuff from each other and it was kind of…freeing, not having to put on a mask in front of everyone because we couldn't.
Our relationship had undergone a fundamental change, though oddly enough not because we'd slept with each other, which was a topic that still needed to be discussed. Rather it was because of our bond we now knew the other better than we knew ourselves. But more than that, what happened to us on Nar Shaada, trying to find Atris and watching her die in front of us, that was a powerful experience we shared and one the others just couldn't relate to. We still didn't like each other and fought like a pair of krayt dragons but at the same time, we were more comfortable around each other than we were with the others. At least we understood each other.
"They're blaming me," I heard her think, mentally motioning to the other Jedi in the garden. "They're not wrong."
"They're blaming me, not you," I replied to her. "It's my mother who killed Atris; it's me the Sith want. Hell, most of them think I am a Sith."
"It wasn't your fuck ups that got Atris captured in the first place," Satori answered bitterly.
"I was the one who left," I quietly answered.
"You came back."
"Because I was hired."
"You didn't mess up the entire mission to save her," Satori snarled. "I did."
"That wasn't your fault and you know it," I snapped, patience thinning. "Bastilla was going to kill Atris no matter what we did. There was nothing you or I could've done about it. It wasn't our fault so stop blaming yourself."
"You're one to talk," Satori shot back. "You blame yourself as much as I do."
"I do not," I defended. "Life lesson 77, remember?"
"I'm not the one who needs reminding," Satori retorted.
"I don't blame myself," I gruffly replied.
"You can lie to yourself but you can't lie to me," Satori responded. "I can feel your guilt as heavy as my own."
I sighed outwardly. She was right of course. I did blame myself, even if it was stupid. I kept telling myself it wasn't my fault; cognitively knew it wasn't but somehow my heart refused to agree. Being connected with Satori didn't help as one of us was invariably going over the events moment by moment to see how we could've saved Atris. It was a futile exercise I knew; there was nothing we could've done but we kept doing it and being linked, we kept the other doing it too. This was not helping us grieve.
"At least I know it wasn't my fault," I finally spoke through our link. "You've got to stop trying to figure out what we did wrong; we didn't do anything wrong, not really. We made the right decisions with the information available at the time. Life Lesson 33 says it's good to analyze what you do but Life Lesson 87 also says hindsight can be paralyzing."
"That's confusing," Satori mentally frowned. She knew all my Life Lessons by now but I felt the need to repeat them.
"It's paralysis by analysis," I quipped. "You'll drive yourself nuts by focusing so much on what happened, especially this. Let it go, Satori. We couldn't have done anything and even if we could, we can't now. Otherwise, you'll go insane."
"Why do you care so much?" Satori grumbled.
"Because we're linked, genius," I retorted. "You go insane, I go insane. I'd like to avoid that."
"Revan, Satori, had a feeling we'd find you here," Jaden's voice cut into our telepathic conversation, causing us both to start.
"The Jedi masters want to meet with you," Rosh informed from below.
Both of us sighed. We'd been taking it easy since coming back, not doing more than basic exercises just to have something to do. Both the Solusars had paid us visits to give us grief counseling, which had surprisingly helped some. But we both knew sooner or later, we'd have to face the masters and give a report and discuss "other" things.
"Is this regarding our, uh, bond?" Satori questioned for both of us.
"Mostly, yes," Jaden confirmed. "Also, since you were the only two who actually encountered the Sith. Up until now, the Council has largely left this matter alone given your connection to it, the small size of the cult, and other, more pressing matters on the Council's attention. Now that a student has been killed by them, the Council is taking these Revanists more seriously."
"Took them fucking long enough," Satori growled.
I shared, and therefore amplified her annoyance with my own but I was a bit more circumspect about it.
"How the hell can you be so cavalier about it?" Satori demanded aloud, hearing my thoughts.
"Huh?" Rosh turned a raised eyebrow to us.
"They're the adults!" Satori exclaimed, ignoring both of the adults. "They should be leaving a fucking Sith cult up to a bunch of kids!"
"Granted," I allowed. "But I guess I'm used to adults using kids to accomplish their own ends and us being on our own."
Both Rosh and Jaden stared at me. "What?" I asked.
"Is that what you think of us? Of the Jedi?" Jaden wondered.
"I guess," I shrugged. "It's more a general opinion of all adults; Life Lesson 50. I saw it all the time growing up on Nar Shaada and figured the Jedi were no different. Haven't seen much to change my mind. Look, I'm tired so can we get this over with?"
"Yeah, sure," Jaden nodded soberly.
We were led down the Crooked Path which was supposed to be soothing and for meditation, forcing its travelers to take their time. But not for us today; today we were hurrying along the Crooked Path towards the Lecture Hall, passing by meditating students and knights. It seemed more populated today for some reason, which struck me as odd. Perhaps they were mourning Atris like the rest of us.
As we walked, I felt an anxiety growing with each step. At first I was confused until I realized these weren't my emotions but Satori's.
It'll be alright, I sent through the Force along with what encouragement I could. I wasn't very good at send positive emotions.
How do you know? Satori didn't bother trying to deny it.
They're not going to kick us out or anything, I told her.
They can't kick you out because you're not technically a member, Satori rebutted.
Yeah but they're deciding whether or not to let me back in, I pointed out. Look, we didn't do anything wrong. If anything, they should give us an award. Relax! You're making me nervous and I hate being nervous.
At least then I get some pleasure out of this. Even with the bond, I still had trouble figuring out Satori's sense of humor. At least I detected the hint of satisfaction and amusement in the bond.
We'll be fine, I reassured as we reached the entrance to the Lecture Hall. If what is to come is what I think will, maybe getting kicked out of the Order might be best.
The Hall was designed to hold the entire Jedi Order at once and so seemed eerily empty. It was dimly lit save at the far end, standing in stark contrast to the rest of the Academy. At the far end was seated the Jedi masters, about a dozen or so Jedi. By now I recognized them: Kyle Katarn, Kyp Durron, Kenth Hamner, Corran Horn, Octa Ramis, the Solusars the Mon Calamari Cilghal, the Barabel Saba Sebatyne, the Chev Tresina Lobi, and of course Mara and Luke Skywalker. Even I felt intimidated and I'm never intimidated.
The masters were the unofficial council, as the Jedi no long had an official council. These were the unspoken leaders of the Order, heroes and founders. Typically the Solusars dealt with Academy matters with occasional help from one of the Skywalkers or Cilghal if things were serious. But for all 12? Maybe Satori was right to be nervous. Speaking of which, my new concerns and standing before the masters increased Satori's nervousness to the point of panic.
Will you cut that out! I snapped through the Force. Her nervousness was making me panic which made me more irritable than usual and when it came to Satori, I was already pretty irritable.
Shouting isn't helping! She retorted nervously.
I'M NOT SHOUTING! This was only true in the absolutely strictest sense of the word.
"Welcome back Revan," Luke cut into our emerging fight. "We would like to begin, if you two aren't too busy biting each other's heads off." Both of us felt heat rise in our face, wondering if Skywalker could listen to us through the Force, which was a disturbing thought.
"Do you know why you're here?" Mara Skywalker questioned, her green eyes hard as gemstones.
It was hard not to notice Jaden and Rosh retreating into the shadows. I felt a faint touch of encouragement from the Force, which I supposed was from them. They were trying to support us but this was not their place to stand. We were on our own.
I tried fight the bitterness and embrace the resignation that welled up in me. Everyone, even Jedi simply looked out for themselves.
"I'm guessing this isn't to discuss the finances of the Academy," I dryly responded, using humor as a shield from my frustration and fear.
"No," Luke shook his head. "We have several things to discuss such as your bond and your reinstatement into the order. But first, we need to hear what happened."
"Didn't Jaden and Rosh already tell you what happened?" Satori questioned. Outwardly, she was calm as ice but I could feel the building pain threatening to explode. The wound for Satori was too fresh and too deep to reopen. And yet she had too.
It hurt for me too. Atris had been a friend, as close a friend as I had had since Huudor. But I was used to this and was used to keeping attachments distant. Made them easier to leave behind when people died or left.
But while Satori had experience with losing people, it was of the different sort. Losing Atris reopened the old, barely healed wounds left by the Vong when they killed her parents. The raw emotion was overpowering and I knew Satori couldn't get through this.
Just then, I realized the power of the bond. I could be Satori's strength. So far, I had merely been passively feeling emotions, which were far stronger than my own. Often it was overpowering but now I had to assert myself in the Force.
Focusing, I pushed back against the tide of Satori's pain with my sense of understanding and acceptance. Atris was dead and it wasn't our fault, I pressed. Let her go. It will be okay. The torrent of emotions abated enough for me to clear my head and Satori calmed a little. The pain and anger was still there but for now it was soothed.
So looking back up at the assembled masters, I related what happened on Nar Shaada. It was hard and painful, replaying the fight at the docks where Satori and I got separated from the others. I told of how we fell halfway down the skyscrapers of Nar Shaada and how I snagged a ride from a passing speeder. Satori blushed furiously when I recounted our adventure in Irdora's headquarters and how I figured out the Sith weren't working with the Hutts. For her sake, well mine really since I'd feel the brunt of whatever displeasure she felt, I was short on the details there. Then I described our meld, again short on the personal details, and our adventure in navigating the tunnels under Jekk-Jekk-Tar.
When it came infiltrating the base and facing my mother, I started losing control. Satori helped best she could, but she was fighting our combined emotions as much as I was. If either of us were alone, I don't think we could've done it but the mutual strength helped us keep it together, mostly.
"After the funeral, we came back to my crate and fell asleep. That's when Jaden and Rosh found us," I concluded.
"Is that all?" Master Hamner inquired, studying me closely. To their credit, the masters had been a good audience, not interrupting save to ask a few, pertinent, clarifying questions. They had not criticized us or challenged us; simply listened. Whatever else they were, they weren't fools.
"Uh," I stalled glancing at Satori.
Don't you fucking dare, she returned through the Force.
While our failure was pretty common knowledge by now, the fact we'd slept together was not and both Satori and I were very eager to keep it that way. So far as I knew, only our team was aware of the dalliance, which was far too many as far as we were concerned. Letting the masters know was completely out of the question.
"No, that's all that is relevant," I lied.
"Minus the fact they slept together," Rosh put in, earning a vicious stare for both Satori and I.
"Oh?" Master Horn raised an eyebrow.
"We're not a couple or anything," Satori who was flushing violently (so was I, for that matter, which was definitely not helping things). "It was just a heat of the moment kind of thing."
"Interesting choice of words," Master Cilghal remarked.
"This does complicate things," added Master Horn with a shake of his head.
"I just said we aren't a couple," Satori protested. "Nothing's changed."
"Quite the contrary," replied Master Horn whose specialty I couldn't help recalling was Force Bonds. This wasn't good.
"But we will deal with that in a moment," Master Skywalker cut off. "First, we must deal with the question of your reinstatement as a Jedi student, Revan."
I furrowed my eyebrows. "What is the issue? You took me on before without any problem," which wasn't quite true, "Is there some paperwork I need to sign?"
"No," Master Skywalker shook his head. "The issue is whether or not we should accept you back."
"Understand Revan," Master Hamner explained, "the question is whether the Jedi should invest the resources in training and empowering someone whose commitment to the Order is, shall we say, dubious at best."
"Since you first came Revan, you have been an outsider," Tionne Solusar observed. "You have made little effort to make friends here and have consistently walked your own path, often intentionally flouting the rules and traditions of the Order."
"Stupid ones, sure," I admitted.
"Precisely my point," Solusar continued. "You alienated yourself from the other Jedi and then when things became difficult, you simply left instead of trying to stick it out."
"Then there iz the issue of you giving the star map coordinates to the Sith," pointed out Master Sebatyne. "This one thinks that waz a foolish and perhaps treacherouz decision."
"Because you hired me to get Atris back and so I did everything I could to do just that," I shot back.
"But it demonstrates that your loyalty is not to the Order but to yourself," Katarn concluded. "Training someone in the Force whose loyalty is questionable at best is a dangerous thing to do."
"Are you scared I'll go to the Dark Side and become a Sith, is that it?" I growled. "I thought I was immune to the Dark Side."
"That is no longer clear," Master Hamner responded. "Even if it were, just because a Jedi doesn't go to the Dark Side does not mean they cannot be a bane to the galaxy. Even if your actions seem right at the time, you do them with little heed or care to the consequences and the destruction they may cause. This Sith cult to whom you have given the star map coordinates could give them access to a devastating weapon."
"So what was I supposed to do? Let them kill Atris?" I felt both Satori and I flash with indignation.
"If absolutely necessary, yes," Mara Jade confirmed. "That is the price of being a Jedi."
"And what am I supposed to tell her family then?" I demanded.
"What will you tell the families of those killed by this Star Forge if the Sith find it?" quietly asked Master Katarn.
"Being a Jedi means carrying the weight of the galaxy on your shoulders," Master Skywalker explained. "Because of your power, each of your choices and actions has great repercussions. If you worry only about yourself, you will sow chaos and destruction wherever you go, even if you don't intend to."
"We know you don't want to cause pain," Tionne put in. "But your words and actions have made it clear you care only for protecting yourself. We have to ask if it is wise for us to teach someone who is going to use this tremendous power recklessly."
"I, uh," this was not how I was expecting this conversation to go.
"Do you want to be a Jedi?" Kyp Durron asked.
The question caught me off guard. "What?" I asked.
"Do you want to be a Jedi?" Master Durron repeated. "You see, we all know what it feels like to be you. The Force knows I do things my own way, which has caused a problem or two. Most of us have struggled with doing things the Jedi way versus what we believe to be the 'right' way. Most of us have struggled with whether or not to stay in the Order. Some of us have even left. But we are all here now because at our core, we believe in being a Jedi and what the Order stands for. We want to be a part of that. Do you?"
Do you? Satori asked in my head.
Her asking the question surprised me because she should know. But if she didn't know, then neither did I.
"I don't know," I truthfully responded. "I'm not sure this life is for me. Running around the galaxy, saving people and being the hero, that just isn't me. I'm not a hero and don't want to be one. But I have these powers and feel I ought to do something with them so maybe I do want to be a Jedi. "I sighed. "Truth is, I don't know what I really want."
"Then why are you here?" Kam Solusar asked. "Why are you asking to be reinstated?"
"Because I need to beat these Sith and I can't," I answered, unveiling a thought that had been bouncing around my head since we'd come back. "There's a reason the Sith took Atris to Nar Shaada. They wanted to show me that I'm not on their level, not by a long shot, and that I can't beat them. Nar Shaada is my home turf; I should've had the advantage and they led me around in circles. Even when we did manage to find their base, Bastilla just toyed with us. We never had a chance.
"I've tried to stay out of it but they won't let me," I went on. "Whether I like it or not, they've made the centerpiece of this little war. I can't do it on my own or with what I know. I need your training and your skills to beat them."
"Is it revenge you seek?" Horn asked. "That is a very dangerous path to walk, Revan."
"No, I'm not after revenge," I shook my head. "Life Lesson 37: Revenge never wins."
"Are you sure Revan?" Hamner pressed. "We sense a desire for revenge in you."
I paused and searched myself. Yes, there was a desire for vengeance in me but it wasn't mine. That was Satori's emotions and it was worrisome but for another time.
"I'm sure," I nodded. "I let Atris die because I didn't want to get involved. Well, they've made me involved, like it or not. This isn't about getting back or atoning for the past; this is about making sure this doesn't happen anymore in the future. You said I only care about myself; perhaps you're right. I am doing this primarily for myself and if they hadn't kept bringing me into it, I wouldn't have touched this with 10 kilometer tractor beam. But I'll never forget Atris dying and I don't want anyone else to die because of them. Yes, this is for me but I do want to protect others from these Sith. I'm not sure why, but this is my responsibility and I will see it done.
"Beyond this, I can't guarantee anything for you," I added. "Maybe I'll realize the Order is where I belong; maybe I'll decide we should part ways. But at the end of the day, right now I need you to beat these Sith and you need me to do it."
"This one speakz the truth," Master Sebatyne nodded. "The Force has chosen him to fight theze Sith. His future is clouded beyond that but for now, he iz what we need."
The masters nodded in agreement with the Barabel's words. I could sense hesitation and reluctance among them and I couldn't really blame them.
"Is any here opposed to reinstating Revan as a Jedi student?" Master Skywalker finally asked. No one spoke.
"Very well," Skywalker nodded. "Welcome back to the Academy, Revan."
Somehow, I felt anything but welcomed.
"Now, we must discuss what to do with your bond," Skywalker looked at both Satori and I.
"As you know," Master Cilghal took up, "We strongly discourage students from forming bonds until they are adults as bonds can be overpowering and destroy one's individuality if the people involved are not emotionally mature. As adults, we encourage bonding because as you have no doubt found, it can be an extremely powerful asset.
"Force Melds are almost forbidden because they can connect two emotionally immature people too closely for them to form. Often one personality overwhelms the other and one person becomes nothing more than a puppet for the other. Melds must be handled with extreme caution, a lack of which you displayed." The Mon Calamari's disapproval was clear.
"No argument from us," Satori put in. "But at the time, we felt we had no choice."
"Your situation is understandable," Mara Jade said, "And while you are to be commended for your ingenuity, it was still a rash decision and now you must face the consequences of your actions."
"Can't we just break the bond and move on?" I asked, eager to get the irritating Zabrak out of my head.
"Severing Force bonds is tricky under the best of circumstances," Corran Horn explained. "Once two people have melded, truly separating them is impossible. A residual connection will always remain, as will some of the other person. The stronger the bond, the more difficult it is to break. On more than one occasion, insanity has been caused by breaking a bond."
I did not like where this was going.
"The fact you melded makes breaking your bond difficult and dangerous to begin with," Horn went on. "Adding in the fact you both experienced the same emotionally traumatic event makes severing the bond unwise. The fact you slept together afterwards makes it impossible."
Both Satori and I blinked as his words sunk in. Then we exploded.
"WHAT!?" we both shouted. "YOU MEAN TO SAY I'M STUCK WITH HIM/HER INSIDE MY HEAD FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!"
"Essentially yes," Cilghal couldn't hide a hint of amusement. "There is a reason we are against students forming bonds."
"But…but it didn't mean anything!" protested Satori.
"Maybe not now, no," Horn concurred. "But at the time, it meant everything. Sex is more than just the exchange of bodily fluids; it's the melding of emotions, heart, and soul. At least, that night it was. You were both suffering greatly from what had happened and needed comfort which you found in each other's arms. That night, it meant everything. Quite understandable and even romantic but it also was a blending of spirit as powerful as your meld, which essentially sealed the bond permanently."
I could feel Satori's indignation glowing white hot; mine wasn't far behind. I knew, just knew I was getting blamed for this, despite the whole thing have been her idea. The fact I was now stuck at the hip with the infuriating Zabrak made me want to punch out a gundark.
"Consider it your punishment for going against Jedi policy," Jade Skywalker smirked at us.
"To help you with this, in addition to your regular training you will receive special training from Masters Horn and Cilghal in how to handle the bond so you don't overwhelm each other," Tione Solusar informed us. Great, more schoolwork.
"While it takes time and effort, you should be able to adjust," Horn encouraged. "Most Jedi are bonded to someone. The fact you do so obviously can't stand each other is going to make this unique but I'm confident we can work through this."
"That is all for now, Revan and Satori," Master Skywalker dismissed us and the session was at an end.
I turned on Satori the same moment she turned on me.
"THIS IS YOUR FAULT!" we both shouted at the other.
"I told you we shouldn't, you know, do it," I pointed out. "I said we should stop but no, you said, 'We need this, Revan,' 'Don't be a hero, Revan.' You did this to me."
"I was against melding in the first place!" Satori was white, which I assumed was the Zabrak version of blushing and being furious. "I told you it was a bad idea but you said it would be fine and we could cut the bond later."
"How was I supposed to know it was going to be permanent?" I protested.
"How was I supposed to know having sex would make it permanent?" she retorted.
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From a few feet away, Kyle Katarn came up to his two former students as they watched two of their students squabble.
"By the Force, you've got your hands full," he remarked, amused.
"Were we ever this difficult?" Jaden wanted to know.
"Other than the time I had to convince you not to kill Rosh, nah," Katarn waved off. "But these two, they are a proton torpedo with a loose wire. If you can teach them you can teach anyone."
"That's encouraging," Rosh huffed and then sighed. "I suppose we'd better go break them apart before they kill each other."
"Wise idea," Katarn nodded with a grin. "But come right back. We have something to discuss with just you."