Chapter 25: Time is Ticking

The thing is you say you won't cry anymore, how much can one person cry anyway. Surely I've cried my fair share. I thought after Deran and my parents there wouldn't be any more crying and I held to that up to now. The thing is you try to hold the tears back but one day you won't have a choice and you'll have to let it out. I tried to hold back the tears once Sammie was taken to St Mungos, I tried to act like everything was normal, that everyone was okay. I knew that everything wasn't normal and that everyone wasn't okay but still I pushed the tears back.

I didn't count on the fact that I would be hit by a wave of emotion once Mary and I stepped into the Gryffindor Common room. We barely made it up to the 7th year girl's dormitory before our eyes began to blur and once they started to fall I couldn't stop the rest from falling.

I'm sure James felt slightly hurt since Mary and I basically bolted past the four marauders just to make it up the stairs before the whole house witnessed our blubbery mess. I didn't know where Alice was she never came back to the compartment on the train and I didn't see her in the Great Hall for the back to school feast. I knew she needed time to work out the mess and I hope that was all she was doing I really hope she wasn't in trouble because neither Mary nor I were up to it.

I was crying because of Sammie, because of my parents, because I'm an orphan, and because I felt guilty knowing that I was alive and they weren't. I knew Sammie wasn't going to make it how could she? She had lost so much blood I'm sure she had internal bleeding and I don't know how she could live through that. How could anyone.

Mary I'm sure was crying for Sammie, crying for her mum, her dad who still hadn't come home and the horrible situation she was left in knowing that going home meant seeing her step mum. She had it worse than I did. At least I had a happy childhood, Mary had to spend her teen years without a mum and a horrible step mum for a replacement. Knowing that I had it better than her slowed my tears which eventually stopped. I don't know how long Mary kept crying for but we were stilling holding each other long after the last tear fell.

"It's going to be tough but I have to be honest, if you can't master this spell it is likely you won't pass your transfiguration NEWT." McGonagall brutally told us.

I don't know why she was telling us this, we learnt the spell last year and everyone was able to do it. I had always been top of Transfiguration and had no problem learning this spells. The problem was listening when we were taught the spells. It was still too easy for me to go back to that night where I was on the ground screaming in pain while Sammie was in far worse pain coughing up blood. It was obvious my family was the target, You Know Who doesn't just drop by any old house yet Sammie wasn't the target but she still got hurt. It could have easily been Lily or Danni, Alice or Mary. It could even have been Sirius, Remus and Peter that got hurt. If Lily got hurt I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

I know what I need to do. I don't want to, I want to do the complete opposite but if Lily gets hurt because I was the target I don't think I could face the consequences of living without her. She'll understand hopefully and when the war is over I'll apologise and hope she'll forgive me.

"Have you noticed that James is acting differently?" Sirius asked me on the way to Ancient Runes.

"Yeah he's been avoiding me most of the day. Maybe he's just upset with me because I didn't spend any time with him last night." I suggested.

"No that's not it. Last night he told us he couldn't believe how strong you were, everyone has been an emotional wreck since that night but you," he changed his tone and looked at me differently. "Lily I've underestimated you the whole time I've known you. I didn't realise how strong you were until the Deran incident. So whatever you do don't ever believe that you are weak."

Sirius hurried off even though we were going to the same class. I was left standing in the corridor stunned by what he had said.

"Hey Lily are you alright? You've just stopped in the middle of the corridor." Remus asked walking with James.

"I'm fine I was just stunned at what Sirius said, and then he had the nerve to run off without me like he wanted to beat me to class." I replied. I added on seeing their shocked faces, "oh don't worry he didn't say anything bad, it was just an unexpected compliment."

"Alright then, we should probably hurry up and get to Ancient Runes." Remus said.

The whole time we were standing in that corridor James didn't say a word in fact he was avoiding eye contact with me.

James sat with Remus so I went to go sit next to Silvia but Sirius was already sitting there. Silvia gave me a weird look as if to ask why I didn't get to the class before Sirius. It was like Sirius was trying to force James and I to sit together. Well that failed, plus we are already going out I don't know why he's playing match maker. So since I didn't have a partner I took the empty desk in front of Remus and James.

Remus shrugged his shoulders at me and asked if I wanted to swap spots with him, really I didn't mind it was only for one subject besides it didn't look like James was going to be much company.

"Alright class, I can see that there have been a few seat changes, I hope there hasn't been any break-ups between well-deserved couples." Professor Grend chuckled slightly looking at me and then to James who gave off the impression that we had broken up. "Anyway everyone please come up and grab one of each scroll and begin translating whatever isn't finished in this lesson will need to be completed for homework."

I had never been one that wrote notes but if James was giving off the impression that we had broken up I wanted to know why.

James was it something I did or is this still about the attack at your place because that wasn't your fault. Please tell me I thought we were going to tell each other everything.

Lil meet me in our common room we need to talk. Was all I got for a reply.

"You say you're doing it because you think it will keep me safe. Hello I'm a muggle born I'm a target. If anything we should be breaking up to keep you safe." Lily shouted at me.

"Lil please, I love you I don't want you to get hurt because of me." I pleaded although she had a point.

"I love you too but don't you think that I should have a say in this. Us breaking up isn't going to protect me or you it's going to weaken us. It took me a while to figure it out but Dumbledore didn't choose us as the Head's because we are great individuals he picked us because we work the best together."

"We work well together leading the school. I'm not talking about the school, I'm talking about when we leave school and there are actual Death Eaters not Death Eater wannabes." I reasoned.

"How is it any different. We bring out the best in each other. You and I are meant to be together you breaking up with me isn't going to protect me anymore than me being with you. You think you're being noble but is your nobility really going to protect me anymore than you're love. If anything our love for each other will protect us. I'm not leaving you and you are not leaving me."

Damn she's one stubborn girl.

"Lily-"

"James just stop please just listen to me, this isn't going to protect me so forget you even wanted to break up with me even if you were trying to be noble and go back to the way things were." Lily whispered coming close to me.

"Lily I want to but you don't understand what happened to Sammie, that can easily happen to you, I wouldn't be able survive if something happened to you because you were standing next to me. I'm scared that you will die fighting in front of me." I admitted quietly sitting down on the couch and pulling her next to me.

"I'm scared to." She admitted as well. "I'm scared that I won't get to spend my life with you because we will die. I'm not going to tell you that we won't because I know we both want to join the order. I know that it's dangerous but I have to fight for what I believe is right. I also want to spend the rest of my life in love with you, however short it may be. I know that I shouldn't think like this but I'm trying to be realistic not pessimistic. I don't want to waste what we have because you were being noble we are in this together." Lily said leaning in to kiss me.

And just like that I forgot about wanting to break up with her. She was right we probably won't survive this war but I was going to spend as much time as I could with her because I am in love with her and never want to be apart.

"Hogsmeade is this weekend." Sirius announced to all of us.

"I can't I have so much homework to finish and revision to start, NEWTS are only a few months away." Lily warned him.

"I know that Lilykins but this is Hogsmeade, you don't skip Hogsmeade visits." Sirius told her. "Besides most of us need to go to get your birthday presents."

I still needed to get Lily a present but I was going to go after the Quiditch match between Ravenclaw and Slytherin since there would be no party in the Gryffindor common room and I would be able to sneak out. Plus not going to Hogsmeade now would make her think I already have a present.

"I don't want any bought presents; no one can give me what I want." Lily muttered pressing down on her parchment a little too hard.

Sure enough a large black spurt of ink appeared and smudged across the parchment.

"Shit." Lily cursed.

"Ok, Lilykins isn't coming, Prongs you coming. Marauders tradition." Sirius chirped avoiding Lily for the moment while she fixed up her essay.

"Nah I think I'm going to stay here work out some Quiditch plays and patrol shifts." I told him. I actually wasn't planning to do any of that, I wanted to spend quality time with my girlfriend.

"Moony, Wormtail don't bail on me I'm begging you." Sirius whinged.

Remus rolled his eyes. "You're so dramatic Padfoot fine I'll come but as long as you don't ask to copy any of my work on Sunday."

Sirius muttered fine while Peter agreed to go since he didn't want to feel left out. Besides neither Sirius nor Remus wanted to spark the rumours that they were gay for each other.

"Alice, Mary you going to join us?" Sirius asked cheerfully now that he had two friends going with him.

"I'm going with Lauren again," Mary told him.

Alice didn't reply but just walked out. She did this all the time, not just when Sirius talked to her but when someone asked her something it was like she didn't want to be noticed yet she still wanted to be around us.

"Actually I think it's about time I took my school work seriously after all NEWTS are coming up and I have a few assignments to start." Sirius mumbled.

I rolled my eyes. It was funny to see Sirius act like he never did any school work but every time he disappeared for a few hours we would check the map and find that he was in the most remote corner of the library doing homework or either in the room of requirement when he wouldn't show up on the map.

"You, miss out on Hogsmeade to do homework I'd like to see that." Peter snorted.

"Fine I bet you five gallons I can do it." Sirius gambled.

The only reason Peter didn't accept was because he didn't have five gallons and because he knew like I did that Sirius does homework without wanting anyone to know.

"Flameeeeesssss" Sirius sung in a weird sing-song tone.

"What do you want Sirius I'm not in the mood to help you out with any essay right now."

"You've been very grouchy since I mentioned you're birthday. What is it don't like birthdays." He teased.

"No but I'm not looking forward to this one." I shrugged in reply.

"Why not it's the big one eight. You're going to be 18 in the muggle world that's the legal age." Sirius chirped.

"Yes but we aren't in the muggle world, I came of age last year." I snapped.

Sirius looked slightly hurt.

"I'm sorry Sirius it's just that with everything that's happened I don't feel like I should be celebrating my birthday it's like reminding myself that I've lasted longer than she has." I admitted.

"Lily I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have pushed it but I'm still going to get you a present though even if you don't want to celebrate."

"Thanks Sirius, for being so understanding." I told him giving him a hug before walking off.

I hadn't seen Alice in a while I knew she wasn't coping. Sirius told us that she was pretending to hate Alice so she wouldn't have to deal with all the emotions when Sammie doesn't make it. I think she wants to look like she doesn't care but in reality she cares far more than she shows, why else does she keep disappearing.

"Lily I know you said you didn't want presents for your birthday but what do you want. Everyone wants something." I asked her once everyone went to Hogsmeade. Sirius ended up going after all.

"I know this isn't going to happen but I really wish that Sammie will be alive, not lying there in-between but awake and alive." Lily told me honestly.

I didn't know how to reply to that.

"It's ok I know it won't happen, I just want to spend the day with you and the others." Lily added putting on fake smile.

"Sammie I'm sorry I didn't forgive you before all this happened. I may have been angry with you for what you did but I never hated you. A lot of the anger I fuelled towards you was because I was also angry with myself but it was easier being angry with you. I'm so sorry I didn't write to you before this incident but I can't die. We don't hate you. None of us hate you. Sirius forgives you. I forgive you. I promise if you wake up we'll go back to how things were. Me, you and Sirius the closest of friends. Please Sammie please don't die. You can't you're stronger than this."

"You had the same idea." His voice said from the doorway.

I hastily wiped away the tears running down my face and got up. I didn't want him to see me cry over Sammie I didn't want him to know he was right about what I was feeling.

"You know that on the 28th they're going to pull the plug, if she hasn't shown any signs of improvement by then they will stop the potions and spells." I told him before barging out.

I didn't feel up to going into Hogsmeade. I put on a cheerful face but the last time I came I was working with Sammie to get Lily and James together now even Hogsmeade didn't seem cheerful.

"I think I'm going to head back to the castle." I told both Remus and Peter.

They both looked shocked but I ignored them and left the three broomsticks. I couldn't go back to the castle yet but I couldn't stay in the village. I wanted to give Lily the perfect birthday gift but basically all she wanted was for Sammie to be alive. Perfect I have the opportunity to go visit Sammie.

"I forgive you. I promise if you wake up we'll go back to how things were. Me, you and Sirius the closest of friends. Please Sammie please don't die. You can't you're stronger than this." Alice sobbed holding Sammie's hand tightly.

I knew it she didn't hate Sammie at all she cared way more than she showed.. "You had the same idea." I said announcing my appearance.

"You know that on the 28th they're going to pull the plug, if she hasn't shown any signs of improvement by then they will stop the potions and spells." She whispered quietly then hurried out. Obviously she didn't want me bumping into her here.

"Oh Sammie," I moaned taking the seat Alice was sitting in. "We all miss you, Lily's birthday's coming up and she really wants you to be there. It would be the best birthday present ever if you could come. I'm not mad at you, I'm also to blame in our screwed up relationship."

"You know if it wasn't for the baby she would have a better chance." A healer said unstoppering a potion.

What baby?

"What?" I asked thinking I didn't hear him right.

"You don't know I assumed you were the father. My younger brother told me that she was dating you before Christmas." The healer replied.

"No we broke up at the beginning of the holidays, what baby are you talking about? Are you saying that Sammie's pregnant?" I asked confused.

"Yes we think judging by the size the baby was conceived a few weeks ago. Considering that she was admitted New Year's Day we think it was just after Christmas." The healer warned me.

"Oh so your saying that because she's pregnant she won't survive?" I asked.

"No I'm saying that the chances of survival are very slim. If there wasn't a baby it would be highly likely she would survive." The healer explained.

"Can't you get rid of the baby? my mother did that with her third child." I asked.

"Yes but we need the permission of the father, and since no one knows who it is we can't do anything else." The healer said sadly. "Well I'll leave you to it I hope you know that after the 28th we won't be able to do anything, we need the hospital beds and if there is no improvement I'm afraid you'll have to say goodbye."

"Please Sammie you can't let them stop trying to save you, you're going to turn innocent people into murderers." I pleaded although I was probably over exaggerating a bit saying the healers would be murderers if they let her die.

"Where did you disappear to today? Moony and Wormtail came back ages ago saying you came back a couple of hours before them but you only just walked through the gates now." James questioned Sirius once he walked through the portrait of the common room.

"nowhere, have any of you seen Alice, I really need to talk to her." Sirius asked then sprinted out the common room.

"He's been acting strange since he mentioned the Hogsmeade trip earlier this week." I mentioned to the others as we watched him leave the common room.

"Lily he's always been strange. After all he is Sirius Black. When he acts normal that's when you worry." Remus told me going back to fixing his Potions essay.

A/N
So this chapter is slightly different to the others the POV's are slightly shorter. I feel that I changed my writing style in this chapter but I really wanted to get someone uploaded so I slightly rushed it.
Let me know what you think.
SpringBabe. XX