Chapter 18 – Letting Go

It was dark and the hour was late as Ayane sat on the wide window ledge over the kitchen sink waiting for Old Master Joshu to arrive. It was her favorite spot in the house, a place where she felt secure, safe and protected.

It was here that she had spent every morning for the last several months watching Yugen play with his friends in the garden. She would sit there hugging her legs with her chin on her knees, feeling the long rays of the morning sun as they seeped into and warmed her robes. It was there where she drank her tea and listened to the sounds of their laughter. Those mornings spent sitting on the sunny ledge in the window had become one of the deepest joys she had ever known. Simply watching the children play as the pale sky brightened into the full glow of morning.

When the bell in the monastery chimed, the children would scramble up onto the porch to gather their books for school. They had long become accustomed to seeing Ayane sitting in the window and would bow and shout hello. She always returned their greeting with a cheerful wave and smile accompanied by a respectful nod of her own, and would watch as they ran down the winding path to attend their classes. After she saw them safely enter the temple building, Ayane would shift into the full lotus position and begin focusing on her breathing as she sat in zazen.

When Yugen was sleeping she would sit there at night and watch the stars come out over the clearing and the moon rise up over Mt. Aino. Ayane could also view the monastery grounds over the treetops in the small valley below and on a clear day, even see out into the big valley where the picturesque mountain town of Mika lay. She would watch the smoke from the hearth fires curl up into the mist against the backdrop of the purple ridged mountains far beyond.

From a practical stand point, Ayane liked that she could view the path that led to the house and see visitors long before they arrived. She could watch them passing between the trees as they wound their way up through the woods.

Her ordered life with Yugen and her fellow monks of the Night Rain Monastery had changed her. It had awakened her to a new way of seeing things. She reflected back through her first surreal night when the spirit of Roshi Alan had miraculously visited her… Her talk with Aiko on the mountain… her acceptance into the monastery and the tranquility and immediacy of mind the zazen practice brought out in her…

So many changes

…and although she had not experienced satori, realizing her true nature – Ayane had come to the profound realization that she could never go back to the old, deluded life she lived. The days of killing at the whim of others, like a mindless implement were over now.

Aiko is right - "…life only contains the meaning we put into it." I can choose things now…

She had grown accustomed to her daily routine which consisted of training with Yugen in the morning followed by her work in the gardens tending to the trees and plants along the now familiar paths that wound through the monastery grounds. Mealtime in the dining hall – followed by washing her bowl… Then there were the zazen sessions sitting with her fellow monks as they faced the wall in the temple. In the evenings, her days would end with her and Yugen training, then playing and laughing over a game of go. Sometimes, they would just sit on the porch together on the large chair under the blanket watching the stars and making up stories together. On Fridays, Aiko and Shin would join them and they would all sit together and have tea while enjoying the moment by creating haikus or just watching the evening dissolve into night.

Now, all that was about to change, as Ayane prepared for her confrontation with Kouta. Stopping him would be the first step in undoing Hayashi and the Spider Clan once and for all. However, before she could take up her arms, before she could realize her true nature fully, old destructive habits and fears had to be released.

She sat there, alone on the ledge like a sentinel at the prow of a ship in the lotus position on her small blue cushion, breathing and gazing out through the front window. She was staring at a large, smooth rock that lay in the grass just beyond the front steps in the garden. The stone had a yellow tint to its smooth surface as the lights from the porch washed over it. The shadow grew and shrank as the light swung softly in the breeze. She was also aware of the lanterns swaying in the trees along the path that wound down to the monastery.

Ayane could hear the stream fed by the waterfall behind the house. She could see it in her peripheral vision running down along the left edge of the garden. In the dark, with the moon and all the stars out, it looked like a deep, sparkling rift to another reality. Like a portal to a whole new universe of possibility, the brook reflected and bounced the lights that touched its gleaming, black surface as it flowed through the garden and on, down to the woods towards the monastery.

Ayane was dressed only in a flimsy, white robe that she and Aiko had found in town earlier that day. She had hoped for a proper ceremonial robe for the ritual, but all they could find on short notice, that fit the criteria for being white, was a small linen bath robe. They had to borrow it from Mr. Hideki who owned the sweet shop in Mika. It had a large "S" surrounded by a laurel wreath and underneath, in small embroidered lettering it read "Sheraton Grande Tokyo Bay Hotel." He was more than a little embarrassed as he explained to them that it must gotten mixed up with his other items as he packed to leave from his vacation. Last summer he had stayed there when he took his grandchildren to the Tokyo Disneyland.

Ayane thought back to when she and Aiko had picked up the robe. It seemed so long ago when they had walked down into the town of Mika. She remembered the confrontation in town with Kouta's men – how she had tried to stay… centered. She remembered her tears of rage that fell on Itsuke's gasping, contorted face as she strangled the life out him –

I failed – all my Zen training vanished in that moment like candle flame in a tempest…I need to let go of this hate and sorrow before it consumes me…

Now, everything was tranquil as the moon shone down through the trees into the garden. It had rained earlier in the evening and the drops of water that clung to the grass and leaves sparkled like jewels as the lights from the lanterns, moon and stars touched them. Ayane looked up as she saw Old Joshu walking hand in hand with Yugen. They ascended the porch steps and entered into room.

It is time.

A rush of excitement ran through her body. Spinning quickly, she sprung with supernatural speed and agility to land suddenly and in absolute silence, before the Roshi, and bowed. Yugen beamed up at her. Although she stressed only the basic fundamentals when training him, he always loved it when she would sometimes move fast like that.

Old Joshu marveled at the mindless immediacy of her movements. Then composing himself, he gestured to the door and spoke.

"Aiko and Shin have prepared the spring for you and have headed down the hill so that you may begin."

Then he added a bit mischievously, "It was fun to watch them set everything up – neither of them have any knowledge of these ancient rituals – they looked very puzzled."

"Thank you Master Joshu. Will you please stay?"

"Yes, Yugen and I will sit on the large rock next to the pool and wait for you there."

Old Joshu and Yugen then walked out and around back where the water could be heard falling into the pool from the spring in the hillside. Ayane took a deep breath and after a couple of minutes she adjusted her robe and followed after them.

The silver eye of great Tsukuyomi gazed on the pool in the woods behind the little house. It was situated in a wide, mossy clearing and was fed by the water falling from a rocky out cropping in the hillside. Leading from the pool was the small sparkling stream that curved around the edge of the yard and down into the woods. Ayane walked slowly, feeling the cool damp grass beneath her feet. The chilly air felt nice on her face, arms and legs – she could smell the water ahead.

The full moon was now directly above the stream and visible in the sky through a break in the trees. It flooded the grotto in a silvery glow as it continued to rise over the southern peak of far off Mt. Aino. She stopped and knelt before a beautiful low lying keyaki table that she and Yugen had moved out of the guest house that afternoon setting it up on the straw mat. It was very old and made from cherry wood. Resting in the center was a large brass bowl of salt. It was highly polished and was ringed with a beautiful engraving depicting branches of the sacred Sakake tree.

Ayane ran her hand along the smooth finish of the wood table. She contemplated the transient nature of life represented by the cherry blossoms intricately carved along its edge. Then she reached into the bowl and grabbed a large handful of salt and tossed it high into the air above her head. There was a soft hiss as the salt came down around her. Reaching into the bowl again with both hands she pulled out two large fistfuls of salt and held them tight with the backs of her fists pressed against her forehead. She closed her eyes briefly then flung both handfuls into the pool making dual swishing sounds as the salt passed through the rippling pool.

Closing her eyes and bowing her head, she now began to visualize herself as an empty glass vessel. Perfectly formed but totally transparent – she was a living vessel of pure glass – totally empty.

Ayane stood and walked lightly to a sandalwood mat at the edge of the pool. Standing there, she listened to the burble of the waterfall and imagined herself as the glass vessel steadily filling up with pure, clear liquid. She could see the liquid entering the top of her head and flowing all the way down to her toes where it filled up her feet, legs, past her hips and up through her trunk. Then coming to her arms it swiftly flowed down the empty chambers to the fingers, filling them as well. Then up past the neck and into the head until she overflowed with the crystal, clear liquid.

She let her robe slide to the ground and the light from Tsukoyomi shone on her magnificent body. She was the perfect balance of grace, power and beauty. Only the scars still remaining on her back and shoulder marred the flawless perfection, and by contrast – made her that much more lovely.

Ayane continued to visualize herself as a vessel full of pure liquid as she felt the cold air and the occasional drop of water carried by the wind.

I have been an implement of death – a tool of mindless destruction fit only to do the bidding of evil minds. Yet spiritually, I am and have always been responsible for each and every one of my dark actions.

She thought of her many close scrapes and near death experiences. She forced herself to relive the events on Mt. Kita that loomed above them even now. She thought of all the ugliness, hatred and abuse that had been unleashed upon her. Finally, she relived the awful satisfaction she got from each of Kouta's men she slaughtered. She visualized each violent memory and fear laced, hate driven thought surging into her glass body.

Revenge!

A pulse released a droplet of thick black tar into her vessel. It spiraled and dispersed into her clear liquid.

Fear!

A small surge of yellow brown fluid now entered into the liquid and swirled adding to the mix.

Anger!

Another pulse of dark red fluid shot into her container mixing in and settling.

Hate!

More pollution deep yellow-brown tinged with green floated down and added its heavy presence.

Pain!

Tarlike substance oozed up from her feet, through her legs and into her trunk comingling with the other toxic substances. It had yellow and green flecks in a deep grey charcoal colored miasma.

Kouta!

A wave of dense, brown fecal matter welled up in a large plume and blended with the thickening slurry.

Yugen gripped the sleeve of Old Master Joshu's robes – there were heavy tears streaming down Ayane's face trailing down her neck and over her breasts. They were black.

"Master Joshu..!" He whispered.

The old roshi just watched and put his arm around Yugen patting his shoulder. Ayane continued to stand stone still on the mat by the pool. There was a deep depression under her feet as the mat was sinking into the ground under her increasing weight.

Torture

With each word and wicked thought form, huge plumes of deep, dark sulfur yellow and black squirted into her once pure and clean chamber.

Sorrow

They swirled and coalesced in her glass body filling her up – weighing her down.

Vengeance

The collection of pollutants made the thick fluids in her heavier, darker until the container that was Ayane became full of foul, dense, toxic syrup.

Regret

Black filth was seeping out of the wound in her back trickling over her backside and down her legs. A dark poisonous puss-like substance began to ooze out from the scar on her shoulder.

Ayane stopped and slowly opened her eyes. She stared at the ripples as they traveled across the surface of the starlit pool. She felt so very heavy. Full of old fears and hatreds Ayane found it difficult to move. As she left the mat, her small feet sank deep into the soft moss that covered the ground along the edge of the water.

Ayane slowly, heavily entered the cold water and waded to the end of the pool where the waters exited into the small stream. The water was up to her waist now and she stood still with her back to the stream that led out from the pool and closed her eyes. She could see small valves appear at the ends of each of her fingers and toes. With full attention, Ayane mentally opened all of them at once draining the noxious contents out into the pool letting them flow away down the stream behind her. She let go of all the toxic filth that polluted her being. All the hate, anger and sadness flowed away inextricably tied and stuck to the thick black liquid. Soon she was hollow and empty again, a clear glass vessel.

A mixture of profound relief and exhaustion enveloped her senses. Feeling lighter and completely hollow, Ayane waded deeper then tilted forward to swim slowly across the deep center of the pool as she made her way to the water fall.

The cold water now reached up to just below her navel as she stood on a submerged rock ledge that ran beneath the small waterfall. Pausing before it, she looked up to see where Aiko and Shin had suspended the muslin bag with the herbs. It was hung on a string that passed through the falling water. The bag sat directly under the cascading stream allowing the sparkling water to be infused with the properties of its contents.

Ayane stood for a few moments, seeing the water, hearing the burbling splashes, feeling the droplets land on her skin and the smell of the mist mixed with the faint cool smell of the forest beyond. With full attention she stepped under the stream of falling water and turned to face out over the surface of the moonlit pool.

As the icy waters passed through the bag and washed over her body, Ayane saw herself filling up again. This time it was with a bright silver colored light. It filled her with warmth from the tips of her toes to the top of her head flowing into each and every hair overflowing to radiate out into the world. There were no words – just attention – energy – purpose and vitality began rushing into her vessel adding to the silvery light making it sparkle and shine and shimmer with a vitality Ayane had never known…

I am…on the – verge – of something…

After a time she opened her eyes and began to walk from the pool. Although the water was barely at her waist, she had a hard time keeping her feet on the bottom. Ayane continued to look around her in awe. Everything was… connected to everything else and it was so easy to see. She approached the beautiful table that sat on the bank standing by it and looking around at the stars and moon and the trees with new eyes – like a child filled with wonder.

Yugen stood up to run to her but Old Joshu could immediately see that she was close to a breakthrough. Putting his hand on his shoulder he said quietly but with strictest urgency – in a tone that Yugen had never heard before.

"Yugen! Stay right here! Do not move or make a sound!"

Then Yugen watched as the old Roshi sprung to his feet and walked quickly to where Ayane stood. She turned to Old Joshu regarding him curiously.

The roshi wasted no time. Ayane watched him with a puzzled expression as he went straight to the keyaki table next to her and quickly snatched the sacred brass bowl of salt from the table in his left hand and a small exquisitely crafted teakwood Buddha statue in his right. He turned to her and immediately shouted:

"MIND!"

And dashed the bowl of salt to the earth at her feet – then before she even knew what was happening he sharply kicked the table tumbling into the pool!

"BODY!"

Ayane's mouth hung open – she didn't know what to – why this was – Then Old Master Joshu, Roshi of the Night Rain Monastery hurled the Buddha statue into the air –

Ayane watched as it passed before the moon –

Oh..!

Faster than thought, Yugen could only stare in amazement as the Roshi shoved Ayane sharply backwards. She was caught totally unaware and tumbled into the pool beneath the gleaming waters.

Immediately she exploded out of the pool and her eyes locked with Old Joshu for an instant… her vision and his swam together for a moment – she put her hands on her knees to steady herself as she stared at him with huge eyes… then – it happened.

Satori came suddenly for Ayane and with a huge explosion of realization. It was like walls falling down all around her. They were just melting away over and over again each revealing the same reality – yet brighter and more unified than the one before. Like a chain reaction of ever increasing realizations until finally – all illusions of separation vanished and her true nature lay revealed before her.

All along – All along – right in front of me.

Ayane laughed… She laughed really hard and Joshu laughed with her. They hugged and spun around together Ayane and the old roshi – laughing and dancing by the light of the moon. Yugen sat on the rock watching.

When she caught her breath, she walked over to the mat and put on her robe and tied it off at the waist. As she did, Old Joshu waved to Yugen who came cautiously off the rock and walked over to Ayane. He looked up at her with tears brimming. She was acting strange and he wasn't sure what to think.

"Ayane? What happened? Are you okay?"

Ayane looked at Yugen and the compassion and love in her eyes for him drove all doubts and fears from his mind, like the rays of the rising sun chases away the mist from the fields. She knelt down and held him by his shoulders.

"I'm sorry if I scared you Yugen, I'm okay, really."

"I love you Ayane."

She hugged him closely and he threw his small arms around her neck and put his head on her shoulder.

"Let me put you into bed and I'll tell you another story about the Tengu. Would you like that?"

Yugen nodded happily as she picked him up. Then looking over at the roshi, she opened her mouth to speak, then slowly stopped and with an awed and bemused expression, she just turned and walked to the house as old Joshu, surrounded by stars watched.