The End Of Days

Chapter 25 ~ Fear

THEN:

Dean kept his hand on Sam's thigh most of the time, squeezing it gently to get his attention, whenever he wanted to look into those amazing hazel-eyes.

And as a bonus, Sam flashed his brightest dimples every time at him as he did so, causing the hunter to smile himself.

NOW:

Days passed and things went on as they were ...

Dean and Sam made out at any time they got each other alone – mostly at night or in the mornings, since Sam wanted to get out of the bedroom and spend time with the others.

Sure, Sam was doing a lot better. He was more stable on his legs, not that tired anymore. He even seemed to gain weight again. The color of his face didn't remember of the one of a corpse these days – at least not that much.

He was now the one who cleaned up the dishes and the kitchen in general. He was cleaning like a mad man so to say. As if he somehow tried to compensate something.

And yeah, Dean Winchester exactly knew WHAT the former hooker tried to compensate. He wanted to be useful, to do something.

And Dean let him. - At least as long as he thought Sam was doing good, wasn't overdoing himself. The younger man had still his headaches and the dizziness. Even when he didn't mention it, Dean knew.

Not just because Jo had told him that it would take time, that he would need a lot of rest … That he shouldn't overdo himself. Another sign, that she meant it serious was the fact, that she refused to show Sam how to find out what his abilities were, even if he pushed for it.

Besides all of that, there was also the thing with sex. Sam somehow managed every time to disappear into the bathroom, or he pretended to fall asleep, when Dean had found his release. Sam also always found a way to sneak out under Dean's loving hands at any time the hunter started to go below the waistband.

Dean had barely the chance to touch Sam the way he wanted to … Sure, cuddling and snuggling and kissing and stroking was never a problem. Not at the least. Hell, Sam was one hell of a cuddler. He always seemed to seek closeness to Dean whenever he had the chance to.

And Dean didn't know what he should think about that. That was how doubts started to grow deep inside him. The question if Sam wanted to be his partner, or if he just had the urge (or felt the duty), to give these things to the Winchester …

Then again … the way Sam looked at him, how he touched him – it was gentle and loving.

Dean just didn't understand what was wrong. What made Sam that withdrawing when it came to sex. Maybe he was afraid somehow though. And then again … Sam have had sex before, probably even knew more about it than the hunter …

So, yes. They had to get some things straight between the both of them. Because Dean couldn't go on like that.

Because the more he thought about it, the crazier his ideas about what could possibly be wrong got. And that nagged on him all the damn time. It made it even worse with every time he tried to touch the younger man and got indirectly pushed away …

They had just have lunch in the kitchen.

Jo helped Sam with the dishes, though the younger man had made clear that he could handle it on his own. That he wouldn't need any help. And Jo had insisted on helping him anyway.

When they were done in the kitchen, Sam went streight for the bucket and filled it with hot water. He intended to get the library cleaned up. Not that it was THAT dusty there.

Anyways, Sam grabbed the rags from the small retainer beside the door and went for it. He wanted to be done, before Cas and Dean would be back from the closest town to the bunker.

Garth had come back this morning from one of his strolls and had reported about a couple of vendors with sweets and cans of soft drinks. Thing was, that there were a whole lot of walkers around, so all four of the men went out, leaving Sam and Jo back in the bunker.

Where they'd be safe.

That was one of the reasons, why Sam threw himself into tasks like that. He felt like he wasn't useful out there. And he didn't want to stand around and look pretty, waiting for them to come back each time they headed out.

So while Jo went to water the plants in the green house for Castiel, Sam started to clean the surfaces with hot water. Climbing on and off the ladder, dusting off the books and shelves.

And that was, when it happened.

That was, when a wave of dizziness came over him unexpectedly. He was just three sprouts away from the safe floor, as he lost his balance, the bucket slid from his had and he let go of the ladder, falling down a couple of feet to hit the floor with his back – hard.

Hard enough to knock all air out of his lungs and white dots danced before his eyes. His vision blurred and blackness crept towards its middle in the very next moment.

The very next thing he felt was something cool in his face. Something – NO – someone was touching him, cupping his face. He heard a voice, though it seemed to be far away … too far away.

And for a moment he wasn't sure if he heard right. If truly someone was calling his name …

Then there was another voice, and the hands were gone all of a sudden. These hands felt warm and more familiar. They felt strong …

The voice sounded clearer now. Someone was calling his name, tracing a finger along his neck …

And Sam wanted to say, that it's okay, that HE was okay … but his vocal cords, nor his mouth wanted to obey at the moment.

Then the fingertips obviously found what they had been looking for, because they lingered right above the pulsating point on his neck for a long while, before they were gone again. And then there were these warm palms cupping his face again, holding his head steady where he couldn't. Sam felt his head and shoulders being lifted from the ground and he got pulled up into an upright position.

That was when he first noticed the biting smell … like vomit.

Oh god … he hadn't, had he?

„Sammy?" Dean's voice was heavy with concern. „Sam. - C'mon. Do you hear me?" The hunter pulled the younger man's torso upright and against his chest, letting the younger man's head lol back into the crook of his neck.

Castiel cupped the back of Sam's head in his hands and guided them down over his neck and shoulders. „There's a small bump on the back of his head ...", he said pensively. „... Nothing bad as it seems … no broken bones.", he continued as he traveled with his hands down over Sam's ribcage.

„Maybe he didn't fall down that far." Kevin bit down on his lower lip, as he looked up at the ladder that reached up to the highest of shelves.

Jo just stared at the both of them with her pissed off I-told-you-so-look.

Dean glanced up at the ladder. Even if he hadn't fallen from the top of it … if he fell because he passed out, then it didn't matter. If he was already unconscious while he fell, he wouldn't have had a chance to catch himself.

Sam's lips parted and a low groan erupted from the depths of his throat and all eyes were on him. The hunter's grip on him tightened unconsciously, as his eyes fluttered open.

„Ow … fuck ...", Sam grunted and groaned. His head was pounding and hurting. He felt dizzy … and why the hell was he on the floor? Where did the others came from? Weren't they supposed to poke some walkers and get an vendor to the bunker?

Sam attempted to sit up, but was hindered by a strong arm across his middle. „Oh no … you won't.", he heard the Winchester's familiar voice. „You hurt?"

Sam shook his head and winced at the sudden movement.

„What happened?" Okay, Dean could imagine what happened. The empty bucket, the dirty water on the floor, two soaked rags, the ladder and Sam on the floor …

„Missed a sprout I think ..." Sam well knew that this was a lie, and probably Dean would know too. But he could try, couldn't he?

„Sure, baby boy." The hunter sounded like he was frustrated as soon as he had heard Sam's answer. „You get your skinny ass to bed. - Don't wanna see you up until dinner."

Sam nodded. Because he honestly didn't feel like he could do anything else right now.

„And then we'll talk.", the hunter continued seriously.

Without any further word, Dean motioned Garth to hold Sam up, while he got back on his feet and took his place beside Sam again. Both men helped him to his feet and into Dean's room … what actually had become Dean's and Sam's room anyway.

Sam tried to hold his own weight, but his buckling knees and his blurry vision wouldn't let him carry the half of it, nor let him see exactly where he was going.

Fantastic. - He WAS a liability for all of them. He couldn't even fucking clean up a room … Sure, Jo had told him that it'd take some time – in HIS condition. She had told him. And Sam had ignored her. He just …. he couldn't wait that long.

Everyone in the bunker did something to earn their right to stay.

Castiel had the green house.
Garth went hunting and brought home food.

Kevin worked on the angel-tablet.

Dean … well, Dean was the guy who tried to save the world.

Jo … Jo was who she was. She knew a lot about herbs and all that stuff.

And he? - He felt just sick. He WAS sick. How could he even be sick still? Sure, he was getting better, but by far not fast enough …

It never dawned on him, that it was his fault alone. Because he couldn't stop trying to be a part of the small group – it didn't dawn on him, that he already was …

When he was settled on Dean's bed, Garth left. Dean helped his boyfriend into a set of fresh clothes, since the other ones where soaking wet. The hunter sat down on the edge of the bed, looking frustrated and guilty …

„We've to get the vendors from the Pickup. - I'll check on you later, Sammy." It was half a statement, half a question.

And Sam nodded, not able to look the hunter in the eyes.

Dean laid his hand on Sam's yaw and guided his head up, so that he had to look at him. „You're gonna stay here, okay? If you need something ANYTHING, you holler." His words were soft and filled with concern.

Then he stole a lingering kiss from the younger man.

„Yeah." Sam smiled shyly.

It didn't last long until a silent knock was heard on the door of the bedroom and the graceful form of Jo appeared in the door frame. She wore a soft smile and her new favorite oversized shirt Castiel had gotten for her. (Obviously the angel had no clue about sizes.)

She walked over to the bed and slumped down beside Sam, who had followed her every move. Jo sighed an threw her legs over another, crossing her arms behind her neck.

„You know. You're a stubborn bastard." She didn't even look at him while she spoke calmly. „I talked to Dean. - And he thinks it's his fault. He thinks you think that you have to earn your place here ..." Now she stole a glance at the man beside her, who continued to stare at the ceiling – brooding. „But you don't … - Besides: I know it's hard. You're recovering slowly and you're not hundred percent yet. - That's just because you weren't in the best shape when we did that. It has always its effects on a body." Jo sighed, shifting slightly. „Your body has to catch up, you know? - Some of those I helped … some needed months to recover. Though I have to say … non of them were in the same bad shape as you were … emotionally and physically." She paused and thought for a moment. „The others want to help you. - But they don't know how … so they let you do your thing. But they don't know that it's not good for you. They see it. But they also don't want you to feel useless." She paused again. „And you know who that hurts the most?"

Now she looked at him with big brown eyes.

Sam looked back at her, not answering, because he knew it already. „Dean ...", he muttered after a long while and Jo nodded.

„Dean thinks he's doing something wrong … maybe you should tell him that he ain't."

Sam nodded to himself, casting his look aside. He sucked his lower lip in and blinked, searching the seam of the blanket with his looks.

„He's beating up himself over something. And I guess it's not just that … huh?", she asked further, trying to trigger something inside Sam to think about. „He's actually beating the shit out of the vendor in the garage …"

Sam searched the woman's face pleadingly. „I don't want to be a liability, Jo. - I AM a liability right now. I can't do anything without feeling weak …´"

She sighed, her features softening. „I know that. - We all know that. You shouldn't break your pretty head about that."

„But I can't. - Why would he want to keep me then? I'm completely useless like that. I'm … I don't know … it's just like ..." He sighed, tears glistening in his eyes.

Jo rolled her eyes and shook her head. „You're an idiot. - It's not about keeping someone. That's about love, douchie. He loves you. And you love him ...", her look turned suspicious, „don't you?"

Sam nodded with a sad smile. „I just don't want to screw it up, you know? … It's not like ..." He sighed, unable to go on without breaking into sobs.

Jo nodded. „I know … - But Dean doesn't know. You have tell him." She smiled reassuringly. „I'm sure he'll understand, Sam."

Two hours.

Two hours until the vendors were open and they were able to get the chocolate bars and soft drinks out of them.

They shared the sweets and cans fair and square among each other. Also Sam had a own bag with sweets and soft-drinks on the side.

The coins from the vendors came into a separated bag. They'd sort them out later into quarters, cents and dollars, casting their own ammo with them.

But for now they were happy with their latest triumph.

Jo nudged the Winchester in the side as he kneeled on the floor of the garage, gathering the tools together again. Kevin had wanted to help, but the hunter had sent him away. Told him, that he'd do it, that Kev should go and get something to eat on the table.

Of course the prophet wasn't mad. He knew Dean and the way he was used to say things. Especially when something was bothering him.

If you lived in one another's pockets you started to see through the moods …

Dean looked up at the woman, as she kneeled down beside him, and started to gather the screws together.

„I got this.", the hunter muttered pensively.

„I know.", Jo gave back with a wicked smile.

After a long while she continued: „I think it's because he feels useless."

Dean looked up, tossing a hand full of screwdrivers and forceps into a box next to him. He sighed deeply and sucked in his lower lip. „Is that so ..." He did like he was busy with doing what he was doing right now … but actually his ears were wide open.

„Sam thinks he has to earn his place in our group.", she said calmly, while she sorted brass screws from iron ones in two different small boxes.

„He knows he belongs to us ..." Dean didn't look at her.

Jo sighed deeply and cocked her head to the side. „You think so? - I think he doesn't. I think he's feeling useless to you and everyone else." She paused. „On top of all that … he's dealing with memories of a hundreds of years – cruel memories. He killed and he got killed – beings that were as much as his brothers and sisters. And he doesn't know why he feels bad about it. Why he feels guilty." Jo paused again. „And then there are these memories of his own past. The things he was forced to forget and the things he actually doesn't want to remember. - He was a prostitute, Dean … what do you think how he's feeling?" She looked up at him, fixing the hunter with her gaze. „He doesn't seem like the kind of person who just shrugs it off. - He looks like the kind of person who feels filthy and dirty and bad …"

Dean listened – carefully – and stole a look at the younger woman.

„He loves you, Dean ...", she whispered gently. „That's why he's hesitating, why he's trying to fit in so desperately he doesn't even notice what it's doing to him …"

That made the hunter frown and look up with a questioning look.

„You love him too, don't you?" A warm smile tugged on her lips. „Right?"

A shy grin spread over the hunter's face, letting his eyes lite up and his cheeks flush slightly. „Yeah, I do ..."

„Maybe he just needs a little nudge into the right direction …", Jo added before she rose to her feet and patted the hunter's shoulder. „You don't even have to talk a lot … just SHOW him. - I know you're not that great in talkin' ..." She chuckled sympathetically.

„You done?" Dean rose both eyebrows. His eyes filled with warmth and sympathy for Jo, even when his words remained annoyed.

Jo just nodded and winked at him, before she headed towards the door, that led back to the stairway. Behind the door, there was Castiel, leaning against the wall beside the door, chewing on his bottom-lip. The angel looked up and he pushed away from the wall, eying Jo questioning.

She just smiled, winked at him and gave him a peck at his cheek. „Done." She winked her long lashes at him and with that she disappeared upstairs.

Sam had his face buried in the pillow, wet with tears and spit and snot. But he didn't care. Not in the least. He had known from the very beginning that he was a screw up. That he wasn't worth it. That he wasn't made for a normal life.

Had never been …

Yes, he loved Dean. - For the first time in his life he could truly say, that he loved someone. Really loved. Like a arrow-to-the-heart loved.

Despite all the things that had happened between the both of them. Good and bad ones … He couldn't believe that the hunter could possibly love someone SOMETHING like him. He just couldn't … and it broke his heart.

Sam couldn't talk to him about it. - About the way he felt.

A part of him feared, that Dean would laugh at him. Would tell him, that he didn't love him back. That he'd push him away like he had already done before.

He was happy for the things he actually was allowed to HAVE with the hunter. - Though his heart longed for more. His body longed for more …

But how was he supposed to tell him his fears? His concerns and doubts?

Would Dean Winchester even listen to him?

Dean held the bag with Sam's sweets and soft drinks in his left hand and his own bag in the right. He had stopped right in his tracks in front of the door to their bedroom, when he heard muffled sobs coming from the other side.

And it broke his heart. Let it shatter into pieces.

No matter why Sam was crying … it was bad. Real bad. It sounded heartbreaking and tore on his internals. Letting them squirm and shift like angry worms.

His grip around the trays of the bags tightened, so that the knuckles of his hands turned white. The hunter closed his eyes for a moment and then set the bags carefully slip to the ground.

It was HIS job to deal with it. To share the hurt with Sam. Because that was what a relationship was about, wasn't it? Wasn't it? What a partner and lover was there for, huh?

Dean Winchester just needed to try …

So he opened the door carefully and stepped inside, where he stopped again, eying the trembling heap on the bed, on top of the covers.

Hiccups and heartbreaking sobs got muffled by the pillow.

Sam seemed too distracted to notice that he wasn't alone anymore. Hell he didn't even notice Dean coming closer, until the bed tipped down and the hunter settled in behind Sam, wrapping his strong arms around him. He stroke Sam's hair – ever so gently, kissed his neck and hushed him silently.

But all that just seemed to make it worse instead of better.

Dean Winchester was helpless.

„Sammy?", he asked, tugging the trembling man closer, „Baby boy … c'mon – talk to me, sweetheart." He ran his hands through the taller man's hair, brushing it out of his face. „I wanna help you … Tell me what it is, huh?"

The hunter threw his upper leg over Sam's, as if he tried to completely envelop him, sucking him into himself. He then eased his lower arm under Sam's neck carefully.

And Sam let him.

„C'mon. - Sam you gotta talk to me man." The hunter sounded nervous, nearly terrified.

All Sam could manage was a strangled „Sorry" and a „I'm so sorry", wich both didn't bring the hunter any further. But at least it was something …

„What do you think you have to be sorry for?" Dean buried his face in Sam's hair, sucking in a deep breath and Sam's scent with it. - It felt like a rush, cursing through his body. „Sam – What is it?"

Sam started to turn around slowly in the hunter's embrace, until he was facing him. His eyes red and puffy and wet. Giant round hazel-eyes looking up at him, wearing an expression of shame.

The younger man unwrapped his arm from in between himself and the hunter and reached up. His shaky fingertips traced a line down from the hunter's forehead to his lips and over them.

For a moment, Dean didn't dare to breathe under the gentle touch. Didn't dare to move or shift just a bit.

He just stared down worriedly into big hazel-eyes, waiting for an answer. When Sam's fingertips were gone, leaving nothing but the hunter's oversensitive skin and a tickling feeling behind, he laid his hand on Sam's cheek, who leaned into the touch with closed eyes.

„I wish … I just wished I wouldn't be what I am. I wished that I wouldn't have done what I have." The younger man's eyes opened again, big and innocent. „I … I don't think I ever fell in love before … I never … I never made love to someone." Sam cast his look down. „And I just don't … don't taint you with … with me."

Dean frowned, his eyebrows furrowed. His eyes narrowed. The expression on his face turning serious.

Then there was silence for a long time.

„That's why you won't let me touch you?", Dean asked calmly, still staring at Sam. „You're afraid you could possibly taint me with your filthiness?" Amusement sparked up in the hunter's eyes for a moment. Then he chuckled.

Disturbed, the younger man looked up.

„Look, Sam. - I think that's real cute of you. BUT … I think I know what I want. And I know I want you – as long as you want me too." He grinned slyly and leaned his forehead against Sam's. „I don't care what you've done before. Past is Past. - I don't care what you are, because for me you're pretty much human. With some useful features." He brushed his nose against Sam's. „I just want YOU. WHOLE. I want to touch you. I want to make you feel good, so good. I want to show you how it is, to make love together ...", his last words were barely a whisper, his lips so close to Sams, they nearly touched. „I wanna make love to you, baby boy, I wanna touch you ...", he whispered into Sam's mouth, before he sealed his lips over Sam's before the younger man could utter a word.

Dean buried his fingers in Sam's long hair and held his head, just giving him enough room so that he was able to tilt his head to the side.

The kiss deepened and soon turned into something more urgent until Dean pulled away, heavily breathing, holding Sam's face in his hands, wiping away his last tears.

„I wanna get you all naked, wanna kiss every single inch of your body … wanna take you into my mouth." He grinned slyly, sucking in his lower lip and bit down on it. „The things i wanna do to you, baby boy ..." His voice grew huskier by the spoken word. „It feels so different when you make love, sweetheart …"

The hunter didn't even know what effect his words had on the man in his arms.

„Yeah?" Sam bit down on his lower lip.

„Yeah.", Dean breathed and sealed his lips over Sam's again. „I'm gonna show you ...", he traced a line of soft kisses down Sam's yaw and neck, where he buried his face. „I'll show you … what love is."

…... to be continued

okay, who's ready for some lovin'? :)