Team Building

Because teamwork is important

Giotto leaned back in his shuttle seat feeling quietly grateful that the doctor had chosen to sit next to the Captain. Judging by McCoy's color there was a better than even chance that Kirk might end up wearing the rest of the doctor's breakfast before they docked. Not that he blamed him for being nauseous. Sam had never had any difficulty with shuttle travel, but the prospect of a weekend of 'team building' was not doing wonders for his digestion.

Given that he actively trained his people to work as teams, they'd be surprised to know that he viewed this exercise with quite such a jaundiced eye. However over the course of a few decades in Starfleet, Giotto had lived through a number of well-intentioned but frequently terribly misguided programs initiated when Command periodically gave in to trying the latest civilian 'team building' fad. Having endured a variety of contrived bonding situations the prospect of being subjected to another set of them only tended to increase his natural bent toward cynicism. If McCoy hadn't complained loudly and at length about being forced into this, Sam would have wondered if he wasn't just getting too old for this felgercarb. He would of course cooperate to the degree that it made sense to do so, but in his opinion, if facing death together on several occasions hadn't created a bond among the Enterprise's command team by now, no weekend full of stupid training games was going to do it.

Not that any of them had a say in the matter. The last time the Enterprise had transported an upper echelon civilian a number of things had gone awry – not seriously, at least not compared to a lot of the things Giotto had been through on this ship, but apparently enough to rattle a pampered executive used to sitting in a dirtside office. Granted, answering a distress call from an unidentified vessel hadn't exactly gone by the book, but when did it ever? Yes, the Captain's shirt had been shredded a bit more than usual and Spock and McCoy had both wound up coated in some sort of ectoplasmic goo, leading the doctor to roundly cuss Kirk out for dragging him along, but everything had been resolved in short order with no casualties (other than another gold uniform tunic).

Unfortunately their horrified passenger had more influence than basic sense (what sort of sheltered idiot was shocked by rough language on a 'fleet vessel?) and filed a long complaint that included the word 'dysfunctional' in reference to the command team. Adm. Pike had apologized in nearly the same breath as issuing the orders, but the man had connections so Starfleet had to show that they were acting on the complaint.

Nevertheless, Giotto was trying to take it all with good grace. Since their destination was a camp setting at least he could enjoy the 'survival challenge' exercises and maybe strategically lose track of time on a hike to avoid the stupid-personal-questions 'getting to know each other' sessions.

"We're almost there everyone!" Mr. Carleton ('Call me Chip!'), the far too perky civilian assigned to facilitate, emerged from the forward compartment. "As long as we're waiting to land, let's get a jump start by having a little ice breaker! Something simple: if you were an actor, what would your stage name be?"

"I'm gonna throw up," McCoy groaned.

"Well, that's …different," Chip observed. "Anyone else?"

The doctor made a wet choking noise and Kirk put a hand on his friend's back while giving Chip a hard look. "Deep breaths Bones."

"Okay-ay," Chip continued. "Maybe we should try something more traditional. How about we share our middle names and where they came from?"

There was an extended silence as the officers with middle names Tiberius, Horatio, Bartholomew and Archibald exchanged looks.

"Alright," Chip continued unfazed. "I'll start. My middle name is Taylor which was my mother's maiden name. Who's next?"

Leonard H. leaned toward Samuel B. and whispered through clenched teeth. "Lure over him here so I can hurl on him, Sam."

Carleton quickly stepped toward the far side of the aisle. "Mr. Spock, what's your middle name?"

"Vulcans do not have middle names, Mr. Carleton." Spock stated in the tone of a professor who had found a student's research to be woefully inadequate. "Nor do we engage in illogical exercises such as speculating on 'stage names', which incidentally, Vulcans also do not use. Perhaps you would be more successful if you were to focus your inquiries on topics that are not biased toward human culture, preferably those that might hold some intellectual interest to adult beings."

Giotto resisted an urge to applaud, limiting himself instead to a small smile in response to Scotty's not-quite-covert 'thumbs up'.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Spock," Chip apologized smoothly. "I'll try to be more sensitive to your perspective. I certainly don't want to make you to feel left out."

"I am a Vulcan, Mr. Carleton," Spock explained as though lecturing a particularly dim cadet. "I assure you that you cannot make me 'feel' anything."

"Right. Sorry," Carleton looked back toward the door. "Oh, I see we're about land. I'll let you get settled into your rooms and we'll meet in the main building for orientation in a half hour."

Scotty rolled his eyes after Chip had left. "Where'd they find tha' git?"

Now that he'd gotten a close look at Carleton, Giotto had a pretty good idea of the answer to that question. He looked over at Spock. "Did you see the little logo on the side of his PADD?"

"Yes," Spock replied. "Gallax Group Services, a subsidiary, if I recall correctly, of the company owned by our recent offended passenger."

"That sonovabitch," McCoy growled. "I told you, you should have nerve pinched him."

"Huh," Kirk stroked his chin. "Well, we already knew this had more to do with penance than with improving our teamwork, but it seems like a lot of trouble just to screw Starfleet out of a workshop fee."

"I agree," Giotto said softly. "I'll admit to not caring for these programs, but given the make-up of our group a professional trainer would have done his homework on Vulcans."

"Ye think he's fakin' being a complete numptie?"

"I don't know Mr. Scott, but every one of these things I've ever been on has involved some level of psychological profiling and the inane questions are often the most insidious. Since we can't be sure of their motives, I suggest that we be very careful about what information we volunteer."

"Or what activities we do," McCoy added. "It'd be too damn easy to turn some of those challenge things into a convenient accident."

"Agreed. This might still just be payback for not kissing his ass, but based on the advice of my CMO and Security Chief, I'm hereby making a command decision not to cooperate," Kirk's lips spread in a slow devious grin. "Of course, we can't let them know we're on to them, but according to the complaint we're all borderline crazy and dysfunctional. I say we show them what that would really look like…"

.

"Okay," Carleton said clapping his hands together. "I know we didn't start out so well in the shuttle, but let's just put that in the 'outside' box and start over."

Scotty's hand went up. "Wait, aern't we supposed to be thinkin' ain the ootside box?"

"That's 'outside the box' Scotty," Kirk stage whispered, patting the engineer's knee. He winked at Carleton. "It's okay, he'll be fine once he sobers up."

"Pffft," Scotty snorted. "'Twelve pints isnae enuff tae get me pished so dinnae act it."

Carleton's smile wavered as he tried to parse that through the exaggerated brogue. "Anyway... let's go around the room with names. I'm Chip." He looked at Scotty and changed his mind. "What name do you go by Captain?"

"Oh I'm not formal. 'Lord and Master' will be fine by me." Kirk grinned. "Just kidding! Off duty I go by Jim, but it's a little ambiguous whether this is duty or not."

"Ach, Ah'll call ye Hamish then." Scotty patted his cheek drunkenly.

"Okay-ay," Chip scribbled a hasty note on his PADD. "What would you like us call you Mr. Giotto?"

"Mr. Giotto," Sam said flatly. "But I'll answer to 'sir'."

"Let's assume this is off duty. Surely you go by something less formal with your colleagues here?"

Sam scanned the room with narrowed eyes. "Am I on a first name basis with any of you lot?"

There were head shakes accompanied by mildly frightened expressions, except for Spock who nodded approvingly. "Mr. Giotto is a model of formality. I find it quite refreshing. If not for the tendency to occasionally pummel those who irritate him, he would make an excellent Vulcan."

"Thank you Mr. Spock. If I could persuade you to kill people occasionally, you'd make an excellent security officer." Giotto looked up, arching an eyebrow at Carleton. "You see, we all get along just fine, so let's drop this nonsense." He started to stand.

"Oo, I'm sensing tension here," Carleton said in a kindergarten-teacher voice and put a hand on Sam's arm looking disturbingly like he might give him a hug.

Giotto yanked the hand off in a kote gaeshi hold and forced Chip to his knees. God but he'd always wanted to do that to a touchy-feely trainer! It was an effort to keep a smile from marring the just-give-me-an-excuse-to-kill-you look he was aiming at Carleton.

"help," Chip squeaked, glancing around desperately.

The Captain got up, hands held up in a placating gesture. "It's okay Chief. He's not a threat. You can let him go now. Good. Good," Kirk spoke slowly and gently like he was talking down a jumper as Giotto released the wrist lock and backed off. "Now, just …go to your happy place, okay?"

Sam resisted rolling his eyes as he caught the amused twinkle in Kirk's. How long had he wanted an excuse to use that line?

Kirk drew Carleton a little off to the side, putting an arm around his shoulders conspiratorially. "Look, uh, just for future reference, don't touch Giotto. He doesn't like it. Spock doesn't either actually, but he'll only nerve pinch you."

Chip's eyes were wide. "How do you work with someone like that?"

"Hey, he just saw a little too much action in the Border Wars." Kirk shrugged and looked up to a corner of the room. "Of course, noticing that recording device in here kind of spiked his paranoia, but he probably won't hurt you as long as you avoid his triggers."

"And those are?" Carleton asked nervously.

"Well," Kirk glanced around. "Being questioned in a confined space he's not allowed to leave, for one."

Carleton stepped away and clapped his hands. "Okay, people, you know what? The sun's shining and we could all use some fresh air, so let's move this outside."

.

An hour later, Giotto couldn't remember ever having enjoyed 'team building' so much. After finding the bugs in their rooms, they were pretty confident that this was a set up, but even if it was legit the excuse to not just stonewall, but gaslight this twerp was, to use corporate trainer-speak, wonderfully empowering.

"Do you know how many germs that would involve?" McCoy snarled. "Suggest that again kid, and I'll shove that stylus up an orifice you don't even want to imagine it in."

"Okay-ay," Chip scribbled another note on his PADD. "Let's try a different ice breaker. Is there anything you absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances?"

"Lite bier." Scotty mimed putting a finger down his throat.

"Here, here," McCoy reached across to give him a high five.

"I must concur," Spock put in. "The variety produced in central North America in particular is either vile or bears a distinct resemblance to copulating in a shallow draft river vessel."

It took a moment to translate that, then McCoy's eyes bugged out from trying to hold back a laugh and Sam bit his own cheeks attempting to stay in the character.

Kirk did laugh. "Hey, I like Bud Lite. But there is stuff I won't do." He flashed a cheeky grin. "Five women in one night my absolute limit. Any extra chicks that show up have to wait until after I've had breakfast." He pointed at McCoy. "And don't bring up those dancers. They don't count - two of them were hermaphrodites."

Chip gaped a moment before forcing himself to turn toward Giotto. Sam gave him his best imitation of the doctor's most malevolent glare. "Before you ask, the answer is hold back from beating you senseless if you ask me another stupid question."

"Well, look at the time," Chip tapped his PADD. "Why don't we all take an hour's break to unwind and enjoy scenery?"

.

Carleton activated the private comm in his office.

"You're checking in early," his supervisor said. "Have you figured out how to derail that command team already?"

"Derail them? I don't know how they've stayed on the tracks this long. The engineer's a lush, the doctor's a belligerent mass of phobias, I swear the Vulcan's bipolar and the Security Chief is a complete psycho!" Chip ran a hand through his hair. "The Captain's the only half-way normal one and he's a sexaholic playboy. We'd be doing the Federation a favor if I just cut the ropes when they go rappelling."

"We're not working for the Federation, Carleton, and don't you forget it. Just keep gathering data; at the worst it'll be worth something for blackmail."

"Yes, sir," Carleton signed out and buried his face in his hands.

Outside the office, Scotty gave a thumbs up to Spock who nodded from the edge of the roof to Giotto. He joined the Captain at the door. "We've piggy-backed on their signal. Adm. Pike should have our message and a copy of that exchange within the hour."

"Excellent, Chief. Would you like to make the arrest or shall I?"

"We should do it together, sir. This weekend is about teamwork after all."

"Okay," Kirk flashed a grin. "But you take point. I've got to see Chip's face when psycho-Chief breaks down his door."

"Yes, sir," Giotto grinned back. All things considered, they really were turning into a pretty good team.

AN: I know some team building programs actually work, but esp. back when I worked in automotive I was exposed to some really bad ones. (Seriously, if you want techies to become a team, just give us an interesting project and an absence of pointy-haired interference. Do not, I repeat, not, make us stand in a line at the front of the room and do the Macarena - the only bond that forms is due to the trainer becoming a common enemy).

This volume is getting long, so I'm going to close it here. I do have more stories, so I'll probably start a Vol. III at some point.

Thanks to all of you who have been reading and especially those of you reviewing as well. Please continue.