Now that I know what I want
Chapter 25
Santana's P.O.V
"Dad," I muttered into his chest. "I'm so sorry for leaving you," I cried. Tears are streaming down my cheeks. My emotions can't be contained. When my mother died, I forbid myself from crying. I believed it would make me look weak. There was only few times that I cried and it made me so angry, but right now right now I can't stop it. I hate being so out of control. My arms are shaking as my fingers try to grasp his shirt tighter. "I'm sorry," I whisper. A pathetic whimper, leaves my trembling lips. I left him. I left my father when he needed me most. I left a person that is slowly killing himself with nothing. I didn't offer him a hand when he fell down. I didn't hold him as he stumbled. I didn't listen as he cried. As his hands tightened around me, my problems almost disappeared. So many thoughts were going through my head, but I didn't know where to begin. There was only silence, occasionally broken by harsh sobs and gentle apologies.
"Mija, I understand. I'm such an asshole," he mumbled. I chuckled that he called himself that."I'm sorry that I'm not worth being you father." He tightened his hold."I'm sorry that I'm pathetic." These words brought the ache back in my chest. I told him he was pathetic. Pathetic for making mistakes and falling down without trying to get back up.
So many things could have gone wrong when I left him. I left my father on his own. He could have done anything to himself. He could have keep drinking till he died, and I just left him. I should have stayed with him. I should have done something to help him.
"Dad," I said quietly, sounding defeated. "No, really; I'm such a loser. My daughter's mother dies and I'm drinking, almost forgetting that my daughter exists." He pulled away but I just tightened my grip. My fingers clenched the fabric. "I'm so glad that you came back," he said sobbing and shaking. "Santana, I'm going to be there for you. I'm going to stop drinking for you, and my... my grandchild, okay?" "Yeah." My lips curl into a smile. "Your grandchild." But then my smile faded. " Before we get to excited, we really need to talk about some things."
He nodded releasing me from his tight embrace. I took a big breath and walked inside the house. As he stared at me, he asked, "Do you want coffee or maybe tea, or something?" His eyes didn't stay on mine for too long, darting to the ground. "Tea is fine," I said, scrunching my eyebrows. He quickly looked at me before going to the kitchen. I lifted my hands putting them on my face. I took a deep breath before shaking my head.
I can do this. I can do this.
My fingers slipped into my jeans pocket and I wrapped them around my phone. I brought it out and started to tap a message to Quinn.
'Won't come back today. Love ya xoxo.'
Move your fucking feet Lopez. You had to do this!
XXX
Quinn's P.O.V
I couldn't calm down. I was looking at my phone every minute.
"Umm... Quinn," Charlie said, and I turned to see her. "What's wrong," she asked.
"Nothing." My eyebrows knitted together. I turned my eyes back to tv. "Did Santana tell you where she went?"
"Why do you ask? Don't trust her," Charlie asked.
"I trust her," I said, because I really do trust her. "She just said she needed to go and nothing else, I'm just worried."
"She will be fine. Have a little faith in her," Charlie said and sighed.
"But what if something happened again?" I bit my lip looking at Charlie again.
"Sweetie, she's alright." Charlie wrapped her arms around me and I laid my head on her shoulder. "You can't kill her, trust me, I tried once," Charlie said, and I pulled away scowling at her.
"I'm kidding!" She laughed when I pinched her arm. I was startled when my phone buzzed in my hand.
It was a text from Santana. 'Won't come back today. Love ya xoxo.' I bit my lower lip. I groaned wanting to shout.
XXX
Santana's P.O.V
Finally, I started moving to the kitchen. "Did you drink today," I asked.
"Yes," he said after few minutes. I pursed my lips crossing my arms and sat down on the chair.
"How much," I asked.
"Two beers." He looked at me, then his eyes darted to the ground.
"And that's it?" My father always liked brandy and whiskey but he always grimaced drinking a beer.
"I'm trying to drink something lighter," he said.
"Does it help," I asked.
"No. I still drink till I pass out." he said and I sighed.
XXX
Quinn's P.O.V
I sniffled wiping my nose with my finger.
"Umm...Lucy," Charlie said poking my shoulder. I fucking hate my first name. My lip trembled.
"Honey," Charlie called. I looked at her. "Is something wrong?"
"No, not really." I scrunched my eyebrows. "I'm just frustrated, that's all."
"Okay." Charlie said, looking awkwardly around the room.
"I just hate how Santana shuts me out," I said occasionally sniffling.
"She doesn't want to," Charlie said. "Santana... Santana is really complicated. She will shut you out only because she thinks it's better for you to not know. All Santana wants is to protect you."
"But I want to help her and protect her too," I said.
"She just feels weak when you do that," Charlie said.
I wrapped my arms around my belly. I squirmed in the couch getting more comfortable.
XXX
Santana's P.O.V
"I... I looked on the internet about things that can help..." I said bringing my hand to behind my neck scratching my skin feeling awkward.
"It won't help." He said.
"How do you know, you don't even know what I'm talking about." I snapped. "You just five minutes ago said you're going to try!" I got frustrated and raised my voice.
He freezes and I though he stopped breathing for a second. "Limiting my drinking won't help, Santana, drinking water or some juice won't help too, I done that before, look at me now I can't stop." His bottom lip trembled.
"You didn't fucking tried that!" I said pointing my finger at him and glaring, not once I saw him doing that.
XXX
Quinn's P.O.V
"Do you two still talk?" I asked.
"Bearly." Charlie said and I looked at her. Her sad eyes staring back at me.
"Is it because of me?" I asked feeling guilt cripping in my chest.
"No." Charlie said. "It's because of choices."
XXX
Santana's P.O.V
"Santana, I've been drinking my entire life. Your mother died because of it," my father said.
"But there was car accident, how can it be your fault," I asked scrunching my eyebrows together and trying to put the puzzle together.
"I was at the bars all the time," dad said. "I found people to drink with, I lose my job and then... And then your mother said I had to stop, but I thought I could control it. I couldn't. You spent your days in school and the Fabrays and we fought all the time. One day I found Maribel throwing her things into a bag and I freaked out." He closed his eyes and ran his fingers over his dark messy hair.
I turned my head to side. I think I just put the puzzle together.
"I grabbed her" his voice cracked. "She started screaming at me and then just walked away. I followed her but she quickly got in the c-car a-and... And the next thing, her eyes looked at me; she looked so broken so tired. I took a step and she quickly reversed the car. When she started to drive I tried to run to do something but I was too drunk and the next thing I remember her crashing into some truck," he sobbed. "Later, the doctor said she and the baby died." He broke down completely.
I quickly darted to him and wrapped my arms around him. My mother was pregnant. I could have had a sibling.
"If only I would h-h-have l-listened to h-her. She wouldn't have had to walk away. She would be alive with my child," he sobbed. I tightened my arms around him.
XXX
Quinn's P.O.V
It was weird sleeping alone, not feeling Santana's body pressed up against my back. Not feeling her hot breath against my skin. I felt cold. She wasn't there to whisper stories to our child into my belly.
Later that day I was in school and Santana still hadn't text me.
"Quinn, you shouldn't have this on your shoulders," Finn said.
"Actually...It's not that heavy don't worry," I said. I wanted to swat his hand away when he started to slide my backpack from my shoulders.
"Still... so where's Santana," he asked putting my backpack on his shoulder.
"She's at home," I said and then cringed."I think?"
"Is she?" Finn awkwardly scratched the side of his head."Is she still mad at me? Maybe we shouldn't be friends," Finn said.
My eye went wide and then I furrowed my eyebrows."Don't feel like just because she can't control her emotions," I sighed. I love Santana I really do. What Charlie said about her wanting to protect me, well, there's always a line. Although I can see she's trying but the snapping at Finn or even Rachel (only Sam she seems to like) really makes me angry.
Talking about Santana... I saw her with walking towards me. There are bags under her eyes. I wanted to force her to tell me where she was and what happened, but the look on her face made my face muscles relax. I smiled at her. I may not know what's happening but I can be there for her.
Santana's P.O.V
Quinn smiled softly. That smile makes my stomach act crazy; makes warmth spread all over my body. It makes my heart stop beating. I would do anything for that smile. I would kill if that's what she wants. The way her eyes shine, I know that she knows what effects she has on me. The slighty raised eyebrow makes me gulp. My heart, that betraying thing, was trying to crawl out from its position. Quinn licks her lips. It would be almost innocent if it wasn't so hot and erotic.
I walked to her and put my forehead on hers.
"Hi," she whispers, her breath ghosting my lips making me almost whimper pathetically.
"Hi," I say back, still looking at her pink lips.
I put my hand on her cheek and circled my thumb. I leaned and kissed her lips. I pulled away slighty and caught Finn trying not to look at us.
I stepped to Quinn's side, my arm wrapping around her waist. I brought her closer to my side. Finn looked at me and I smiled.
"Hey," I said to him. The surprise expression made me chuckle.
"H-H-Hi," Finn stuttered. The talk with my father made me think about what I need to do with my relationship with Quinn.
One day I can push her away too hard and she won't come back.
I just love you people! I still can't believe it that someone is interested in reading this story.
There are only few chapter left and I hope that I will end this story this year.
People I love you!