[A/N: Sorry this chapter is so short compared to the others! It was a struggle to get this one out for some reason lol]
I've saved a thousand tears for you,
with the ribbon
cut short, colored blue.
Wrapped in a beautiful box,
disguised as something golden.
Strangled tears of a misspent youth,
spent yearning,
spent learning.
Minds whirring,
hearts churning.
Choking on your own hopes,
a noose around your neck.
And when your dreams crash to the ground,
your heart lies limp at your feet.
Helga tapped her foot nervously, her arms crossed over her chest, as she begrudgingly watched Dr. Bliss read her poem the following day. She glanced at the clock impatiently.
Dr. Bliss nodded in approval, "This is very good, Helga,"
Helga quickly grabbed the looseleaf paper out of the psychologist's hands. "Thanks," she muttered and sat back down.
"So, what in particular are you referring to when you mention these 'dreams'?" Dr. Bliss asked.
"Hey, I said you could look at it," Helga scowled. "I didn't agree to a poetry analysis,"
"You're right," Dr. Bliss nodded, backing off. "I'm glad you're getting these feelings out. I assume, though, that this poem was based on Arnold?"
Helga shrugged, "I dunno… not entirely," Helga leaned back against the cushioned seat, her arms folded across her lap as she gazed out the window. "It's kind of about him, but also kind of about Curly and I guess, how I imagine him feeling,"
"Very interesting," Dr. Bliss made a note on her clipboard and smiled at Helga. "So have you spoken with Arnold since we last met?"
Helga gave a small nod and squirmed a little in her seat. "A little,"
"And how did that go?"
"Like an 80's movie…" Helga muttered, one corner of her mouth perking up a bit as she recalled Arnold standing outside her house.
Dr. Bliss raised an eyebrow and Helga sighed, "I don't know,"
"Helga," Dr. Bliss gave Helga a knowing look. "You know this is a safe place. Is there anything you'd like to tell me about Arnold?"
Helga squirmed some more. "I… I…" Helga hung her head and her blonde hair fell over her face like a veil. "I'm not sure I want to keep shutting him out,"
There. The words were out of her mouth before she had the time to stop herself.
Dr. Bliss smiled, "Well, I trust that you will do what you feel is the right thing to do," She crossed her legs and fastened the cap on her pen.
"That's your advice?" Helga scoffed light-heartedly.
"I can't tell you exactly what to do, Helga," Dr. Bliss said. "I can give you the tools to deal with and address your feelings and issues in your life but you are in control of the decisions you make,"
"Right," Helga rolled her eyes and huffed.
Dr. Bliss sighed and folded her hands in her lap. "Don't do anything you aren't comfortable with, but if you feel like you want to talk to him and give him a chance, that is something worth considering. It's wise to protect yourself, but you shouldn't let fear control you,"
Helga sat quietly for a moment, pondering Dr. Bliss' advice. "Thanks, Doc,"
. . . . . . . .
The sun was setting when Helga trudged up the steps of her stoop and into her house. Big Bob was in the living room watching football and Helga could smell something burning in the kitchen. Upon investigating, she found smoke spilling out from the edges of the oven door. She ran over and turned it off, then opened the door, releasing a thick cloud of smoke. Helga flipped the exhaust fan switch on, coughing as she waved her hand in an attempt to clear the smoke.
Helga grumbled to herself as she slipped on a pair of oven mitts and removed the glass casserole dish, setting it on top of the stove.
"Bob!" Helga called as she flipped the oven door closed. "Where is Miriam?" She walked out of the kitchen and toward the living room, knowing she'd have to fight to get his attention.
"Bob!" She called again and her father turned around slightly in his chair.
"What is it, Olga?" He asked, his eyes still glued to the screen.
"It's Hel—Ugh, nevermind," Helga rolled her eyes. "Where is your wife? She almost set the oven on fire, again,"
"How the heck am I supposed to know?" Big Bob grumbled and Helga threw up her hands.
Waste of my time… She thought to herself as she headed upstairs to her bedroom. She passed by her parents' room and saw her mom asleep on the bed, overtop of the covers. At least she made it to a bed this time.
Since it looked like dinner was scorched, Helga contemplated breaking a 20 out of her secret savings and ordering herself a pizza. She had just dropped her phone and keys on top of her end table and was counting out cash from a small lockbox under her bed when the house phone rang.
She initially ignored it but Big Bob's voice thundered from downstairs, "Hey Olga, get the phone, would ya?!" he called to her.
"Yeah, sure, no problem," Helga muttered to herself as she grabbed the receiver of the old cordless phone that still rested on her end table by a small pink lamp.
To her chagrin, it was Olga.
"Oh hi, baby sister!" Olga's cheery voice felt like nails on a chalkboard and Helga involuntarily winced. She wondered if Olga would ever stop calling her 'baby' sister considering she was a year away from graduating high school. "I was just calling to talk with Mummy and Daddy but gosh, it's been a while since we've had the chance to talk! How are you?"
"Oh, fine," Helga sighed, masking most of her annoyance with feigned ebullience. "Life's a peach,"
"Oh good, good," Olga said, smiling with her voice and apparently unaware of Helga's sarcasm. "Actually, it's good that I have you on the phone now,"
"It is?"
"Yes, I wanted to talk to you about Mom," Olga's voice grew serious and Helga pursed her lips, listening with interest. "Has she said anything more about going to AA? I sent her an email a while ago with a link to their local website,"
"I haven't heard anything," Helga sighed, imagining the guttural snore of her mother in the next room.
Olga sighed and the sadness in her tone made Helga frown. She understood Olga's disappointment because despite her ongoing frustration with Miriam's behavior, she felt it, too.
"Could you remind her about it?" Olga asked. "Please?"
Helga twirled the phone cord around her hand. "Yeah, sure,"
"Great," Olga said, seeming relieved. "Is Daddy around? Can I talk to him?"
"Yeah, one sec," Helga put the phone down and opened the door to her room, sticking her head out. "Hey Bob!" She called, "Your favorite daughter's on the phone!"
Helga hung the phone up once she heard Big Bob's voice come through, excitedly greeting her sister.
The cash she'd pulled out was still lying on top of Helga's mattress and she grabbed it, tossing it onto the end table before she plopped down on her stomach and wrapped her arms around her pillow.
She thought about her meeting with Dr. Bliss earlier, specifically her confession regarding Arnold.
Maybe I shouldn't keep doing this. He saved my life, for cripes sake! And playing that song outside my window? How dorkily romantic can you get?
But still, I dunno… I don't think I could handle losing him again.
Then again, I never really had him…
Gah, Helga you idiot, what are you so afraid of?
… Ha… is that even a real question?
What if he changes his mind? What if he realizes I'm not actually worth it and he dumps me in a few months? Am I really gonna just… Ughhh I hate this.
Helga continued to fight with herself as she struggled to decide what she should do. Eventually after an hour of agonizing, she realized she'd never ordered her pizza. She grabbed her cell phone and punched in the number to the pizzeria around the block. After years of failed dinner attempts, Helga knew their number by heart.
. . . . . . . .
"You're a bold kid, Arnold," Gerald chuckled, regarding his best friend with some form of admiration. The two were hanging out in Arnold's room that evening after a game of football at the park with some of the other guys from school. "You're lucky Big Bob didn't come out and beat your ass!"
Arnold rolled his eyes. "I don't think it would've been that bad," He said, to which Gerald deadpanned.
"So did she say anything?" Gerald asked, moving on.
"No," Arnold shook his head and crossed over to his bed to sit down. "She went back inside when her dad woke up… but she didn't seem upset or anything that I was there," Arnold rationalized. "She actually smiled at me,"
"Oh, you poor, lovesick fool," Gerald shook his head and smirked but Arnold ignored him. Instead he looked up, noting how the sky seemed to be fading from a bright cerulean to a deep navy right before his eyes. "Maybe you should call her tomorrow," Gerald suggested.
Arnold looked back at his friend. "You're dating Phoebe now, doesn't she know anything about what's going on in Helga's head?"
"Arnold," Gerald gave him a look. "Helga doesn't know what's going on in Helga's head,"
Arnold rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean,"
"I've been tryin' not to ask her much about Helga," Gerald shrugged. "Besides, it's probably better if you talk to her yourself,"
"How am I supposed to do that when she won't talk to me though, Gerald?" Arnold sighed and kicked his dirty sneakers off. "She's barely said anything to me since her party,"
"You've waited this long – you're obviously a very patient man," Gerald said. "If you love her, you'll just have to wait for her to make the next move, somehow,"
Arnold groaned and fell back against his mattress.
. . . . . . . .
Late that night, Arnold had just begun to fall asleep. Thoughts of Helga – what she thought of the song he played, whether she was thinking about him, whether he had any chance at a relationship with her, whether some part of her could still have feelings for him, and just her – had made him restless and he didn't fall asleep until a little after one in the morning.
Outside the air was growing warmer as April slowly made its exit. There was a thick fog over the city and light rain pattered against Arnold's skylight, and this was probably the reason why he didn't notice the sound of one of the windows slowly opening.
Something fell from above and hit one of Arnold's shelves on its way down, startling him out of his light slumber.
"Wha?" He murmured, getting his bearings as he realized he was awake again. He looked to his side and saw a brown paper lunchbag sitting on top of his blanket. Grabbing the bag, Arnold sat up and flicked the switch of a lamp on one of the shelves surrounding his bed. The light made him wince and he rubbed his eyes before looking up to see nothing amiss. Rain trickled down the windows above him and his heart quickened as he speculated as to where this bag had come from.
He reached into the bag and pulled out a generic CD case, the kind that comes with blank CDs. Inside of the case was an unmarked disk and Arnold's curiosity rose exponentially. He threw his blanket off of him and stumbled over to his computer, his legs still uncoordinated from sleep. He squinted at the monitor as it lit up and once he was finally able, he inserted the CD into the disk drive and waited for his music player to come up on the screen.
When the CD started to play, Arnold turned the volume down a bit so as not to disturb anyone else in the boarding house. There was only one song burned onto the disk and Arnold listened as a woman began to sing, accompanied by R&B instrumentals.
Where were you when I said I loved you?
And where were you when I cried at night?
Waiting up, couldn't sleep without you.
Thinking of all the times we shared.
I remember when my heart broke.
I remember when I gave up loving you.
My heart couldn't take no more of you,
I was sad and lonely.
I remember when I walked out.
I remember when I screamed I hated you.
But somehow deep inside, still loving you,
Sad and lonely.
Arnold' s heart felt heavy with guilt but at the same time, he felt relieved that Helga had initiated contact with him and was at least communicating with him somehow.
No one knew all the pain I went through.
All the love I saved deep in my heart for you.
Didn't know where I would go, where I would be.
But you made me leave,
And plus my heart, it just, it just kept telling me so.
I remember when my heart broke.
I remember when I gave up loving you.
My heart couldn't take no more of you,
I was sad and lonely.
I remember when I walked out.
I remember when I screamed I hated you.
But somehow deep inside, still loving you,
Sad and lonely.
There was nowhere else to go, oh.
Nobody else to turn to, no.
For the rest of my life, I promised myself I will love me first genuinely.
I remember when my heart broke.
I remember when I gave up loving you.
My heart couldn't take no more of you,
I was sad and lonely.
I remember when I walked out.
I remember when I screamed I hated you.
But somehow deep inside, still loving you,
Sad and lonely.
As the song repeated the chorus, gradually fading out, Arnold thought about the implications of the situation. She's actually opening up… I think…
He'd heard this song countless times on the radio but now he revisited the lyrics in his mind, studying them. The song was about heartbreak, yes, but the fact that Helga had chosen to give this to him? Maybe this was her way of… No, he couldn't get ahead of himself. But it did give him hope. And an idea.
He would go back to sleep later. For the time being, Arnold fervently searched through his own music library for the perfect song.
[A/N: The song in this chapter was "I Remember" - Keyshia Cole]