Attachment Syndrome

Chapter 25:

It takes another week for the dreams to drag him from sleep. He wakes panting and frantic, images of men in black with giant guns still bright behind his eyes—of bullets in his baby and his daughter and his Kate.

"Cassle?"

He turns, blinking in the dim light and finds Kate pushing herself up against the pillows. He shakes his head and scrubs his hands over his face, trying to remember that it's not real. They're safe. The boys say things are quiet. She's healing, Johanne's standing, Alexis is planning a Mother's Day thing for tomorrow. They're all just fine.

He closes his eyes tight for a moment before turning back to Kate, brushing his hair back, hoping to make himself look less crazy than he feels.

It's all just been so good, so lovely—outside of her injury. He's been feeling happy, hopeful. Apparently, he hasn't though, if the dreams are anything to go by.

They always let him live. This time, they shot Johanne and handed her to him as he lay trapped beneath Kate's lifeless body, Alexis' hair sprawled over the floor feet away.

"Rick, what happened?" Kate asks, reaching out for his hand.

"Nothing," he mumbles, squeezing her smaller palm in his larger, clammy one. "Nothing, I'm fine. Dream." He glances toward the crib, watches the outline of the steady rise and fall of Johanne's chest.

Kate's hand squeezes his and he slowly looks back at her. "Can I get you something?" she asks.

He manages a shallow huff. "You rest," he chides.

"I can make it to the kitchen and back," she retorts with a smile. "I could even carry a glass of water," she adds enticingly.

"I'm fine," he assures her, smiling for her effort—for her 'sly' way of telling him she's getting better, that she's alive. "Did I wake you?"

She shrugs and he sighs. "Hey no," she protests. "It's the pills. I'm gonna be wonky with sleep for a while. I've never been a heavy sleeper to begin with."

"My tossing and turning never used to wake you up," he mumbles. It's bad enough that he has to deal with the dreams. She shouldn't have to wake up for them too.

Kate just shakes her head and tugs on his hand until he scoots closer, until she can gingerly shift to lay back down, pulling him with her. She cuddles up, tangling their legs together, sharing his pillow.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she whispers.

"No," he tells her honestly.

She nods and brushes his hair from his eyes, her hand lingering on his cheek. "You wanna make out a little?" He laughs, startled, and finds her grinning at him. "I'd try something more…relaxing, but I can't quite bend the right way," she continues.

He shakes his head and turns his cheek to kiss her palm. "I'm good."

She huffs and runs her fingers over his cheek, down his neck, falling to rest in the vee of his shirt. "You're sure."

"I mean, I am totally game for a 2am make out," he lets out quickly, smiling as she giggles. "I just—you don't have to make it better."

She stares at him. "Then what am I supposed to do? Just watch you suffer?"

"I—"

"Because every time I wake up from a nightmare, you're always there with water and a washcloth," she tells him. "I'd like to return the favor."

He smiles and leans in to brush his lips to hers. "You are." She lifts an eyebrow. "You're alive. Better than a washcloth any day."

She sighs and brings her hand up to rub up and down his arm. "It'll get better," she promises.

He nods, because there's no use in contradicting her, even if he's not sure he believes it. Even if he knows that he won't sleep peacefully until the people responsible are caught—until he knows without a doubt that they're well and truly safe.

"What do the guys say?" she asks, and he realizes he must not be doing as good a job of worrying silently as he thought he was.

He meets her eyes. "That things are quiet. No leads, but no more threats, no more break-ins."

She nods and lowers her eyes, thinking. "I want this to be over," she says softly.

"Me too," he agrees.

"But I don't know how to move forward from here," she admits. "And it's not like I could even go to the precinct."

"You'll get there," he says, scooting closer so he can wrap an arm over her waist, can rest his forehead against hers. "You might even be able to start physio soon."

"Ugh," she grunts, smiling as he lets out a quiet laugh. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I want to get my strength back. But I just…I know it's going to be a bitch, and I'll be totally useless afterward."

"That's okay."

"No," she replies. "I want to hold my daughter, and I want to be able to walk down to the ocean, and on therapy days I'm sure I won't be able to do those things."

He feels her tensing up, the calm of sleep fully leaving her with the thought of her lengthy recovery.

"So we'll do massages, and get you in the hot tub, and let Josie play in the jumper for a while," he placates. "It's not forever."

"It's long enough," she lets out. "I want to be better," she adds, softer.

"I know."

"I want to go home, and back to normal. And I want," she pulls back to meet his eyes. "I want—"

"Me too," he assures her, leaning in to kiss her, to try and take their minds off of it.

She opens to him, her hand gripping into his sleep shirt, her mouth a cavern of heat. He pulls her closer, trying to be mindful of her body even as he feels his control slipping. She moans quietly and he sucks on her lower lip in response.

Her hand tugs on his shirt and she rolls, pulling him with her until she's lying on her back with him braced above her.

He breaks their kiss and skates his lips down her cheek, along the smooth column of her throat. He hears her breath hitch as he sucks lightly on her pulse, feels her hands in his hair. He smiles against her skin as she shivers.

"God, Castle," she lets out as he crosses the plain of her chest, licking at her collarbones before moving back up to tug her earlobe between his teeth.

"I approve," he mumbles into her ear.

"Of?" she gets out.

"Nightmare make outs," he says, rising back up to meet her eyes.

"M'not sure I do," she grumbles.

"Did I hurt you?" he asks immediately, glancing down between them, searching for a point of contact that could hurt—of weight distributed incorrectly, of angles and bones and her lithe, small body beneath his.

"No," she says quickly, reaching up to touch his cheek. "No. I'm," she breaks off, her chest heaving. She glances between them and it clicks.

"Oh," he manages, trying hard to quell the grin he can feel on his face.

"Yeah," she agrees, half amusement, half frustration.

"Yeah," he repeats, bending to rub his nose against hers. "Waiting makes the heart grow fonder?"

She snorts. "Three years of waiting isn't enough?"

He smiles. "Definitely enough."

"I just want," she grinds out, pushing her head back into the pillow and closing her eyes tight. He feels her thigh muscle against his—feels the tension thrumming through her.

"I could help you out?" he offers slowly.

She opens her eyes and meets his. "You…could?"

"I mean, it would be no hardship on my part," he hedges, shifting onto one arm to skim his hand down her stomach to rest low on her hip.

She shifts restlessly beneath him and bites her lip. Johanne grunts in her crib and Kate's eyes cut back to his.

"Baby," she mutters.

He sighs. "She wouldn't know," he offers quietly.

Kate shakes her head and forces herself to relax. "I should probably be cleared first anyway," she lets out tightly.

"Back bowing probably wouldn't be great, huh?" he whispers.

She laughs and swats at his arm. "Ego much?"

"The whole point is to…yeah," he decides. "Ego much. Gonna make you see all kinds of stars," he promises.

She smiles. "Yeah?"

"Oh yeah," he agrees. "But only once it's gonna be good for you."

She reaches up and cups her hand around his neck, bringing him back down for a searing kiss. "It's gonna be amazing, Castle. It'll always be good with you," she tells him, sharing his breath.

He presses a last kiss to her lips, his heart full, nightmare thoroughly forgotten. He shifts and slides down to curl against her side, his arm over her stomach, his other under her pillow, lips at her temple.

"I love you," he whispers, smiling as her fingers glide up and down his arm before twining with his on her stomach.

"I love you too," she says, turning her head to meet his eyes. "And I am so going to make this up to you."

"Make it—"

"Once I'm better," she clarifies, shifting a little so her hip presses into the part of him that is most definitely not relaxed.

He groans and nips lightly at her shoulder before cuddling into her. "I'll hold you to that."

"You better."

(…)

"What are you doing?" Kate asks as he gingerly leads her into the kitchen.

"Just keep your eyes closed," he encourages, holding her hands and walking backward, guiding her.

"That's rich from the man who doesn't even want me trying the stairs," she mumbles. "Seriously, why are you—"

They reach the table and he squeezes her hands, watching as she opens her eyes. She gapes at the room.

Alexis really outdid herself. She's set the table with a sunflower-patterned table-cloth, their nice white china set out for brunch. There are fresh flowers on the table and the counter, and it smells amazing—a brunch feast his daughter made herself.

"What?" Kate manages.

Alexis steps out from the kitchen, Johanne in her arms, wearing a little blue and white checked dress. His daughter wears a semi-matching light-blue sundress, her hair in that braid Kate taught her.

"Happy Mother's Day," Alexis offers shyly, approaching Kate where the woman sways, one of her hands still clutching his. "We thought we'd make you brunch."

"Oh," Kate lets out. He watches her face, smiles at the shine in her eyes, at the look she's giving both his daughters. "That's—Alexis, that's so sweet," she manages. Alexis smiles. "I didn't even realize," Kate adds, her free hand absently rising to her chest, where her ring usually sits.

"Mama," Johanne lets out.

Kate beams slowly. "Hi, sweetheart," she says, reaching out to take the hand Johanne stretches out for her. "Did you help Lexi make brunch?"

"She had fun with flour," Alexis admits. "But I think we got most of it out, didn't we?"

Castle laughs. "This looks amazing," he tells his daughter.

"That it does." They turn and find Martha sauntering into the room, Jim following in her wake.

"Shall we?" Castle suggests, gesturing to the table.

He helps Kate sit down, smiling as she just keeps staring around, obviously overwhelmed.

"Had to do something for your first one," he whispers as he leans in and kisses her cheek.

She turns her head and catches his lips for a moment before letting him go, that soft look in her eyes following him as he helps Alexis get Johanne into the highchair.

He takes a moment to hug Alexis. She leans up and kisses his cheek as they pull apart.

"Thank you," he mouths to her.

She smiles and takes her seat, leaving him to find his own. He watches as Alexis, his mother, and Jim all pass out food. Eggs, pancakes, bacon, French toast—she's been up for hours cooking. Both he and Jim pitched in a bit, but Alexis insisted it be her job.

"Do you remember when you tried to do this for your mom, Katie?" Jim asks as they all tuck in.

Kate lets out a startled laugh. "Oh, yeah. I nearly burned the house down."

"You what?" Alexis asks.

"In her defense, she was twelve," Jim puts in before Kate can answer.

"And I forgot about the pancakes, and the eggs stuck to the pan, and I knocked over the bacon pan and stepped in the hot oil."

"Oh my God," Alexis says, glancing at Castle. "What—what happened?"

"We spent the day in the emergency room," Jim says easily. Castle notes Kate's cheeks pinking up. "Katie cried for hours about ruining Mother's Day."

"Well," Kate huffs.

"You know, that was your mother's favorite one," Jim tells her. "You two spent the whole afternoon on the couch together, watching that silly show, and you had ice cream for dinner. She loved it."

Kate turns crimson and bites at her lip, her eyes shining again. There's a pause as they all seem to realize that they're missing someone—even someone four of them have never met.

"You know," Martha cuts in, smiling at Kate. "Richard once gave me food poisoning on Mother's Day."

"I did not," he lets out indignantly. Johanne giggles. "I didn't," he insists to the baby. "You had that old Bloody Mary mix, and I wanted to make you something nice with what I ordered. How was I supposed to know it was bad?"

"But you still gave it to her," Alexis says.

"Traitor," he mumbles at her.

"How bad?" Kate asks his mother, pasting on a brighter smile. He reaches below Johanne's little kicking feet and squeezes Kate's thigh.

"Oh, he ended up calling my best friend, scared out of his mind that he'd killed me," his mother recounts.

"I was worried she'd dehydrate," he grumbles to the group.

"It was sweet, overall," Martha admits.

"I totally made up for it after my first book," he adds, giving her a look. "Sent you to Cabo for a week. You met that pool boy."

Martha hums, touching her cheek. "Rico," she says dreamily.

"Too close to Rick for my tastes," Castle whispers to Kate.

Jim just stares at Martha, seemingly unsure of how to react. Alexis giggles.

"What do you usually do for Mother's Day?" Jim asks, shaking himself a little before looking at Alexis.

Castle watches her smile dim. "I used to visit mom, before I started doing summer programs," she tells him.

"You could have gone," Kate says quietly, looking at his kid.

Alexis meets her eyes and shakes her head, adopting another shy smile. "I'd much rather be here. Thought maybe we'd sun by the pool, watch Josie swim. Maybe have you get in?"

Kate smiles and nods, squeezing his hand beneath the table. "That sounds great, Alexis."

His daughter beams just as Johanne reaches out, grabbing Castle's ear.

He laughs and releases Kate to take Johanne out of the high chair, bringing her around to stand on his lap. "How's that sound, bug? You wanna go in the pool with mommy?"

Johanne smiles. "Mama!"

"Yeah," Castle agrees. "It's Mama's Day."

(…)

"Oh my God," Kate lets out as he helps her take the last step into the pool, the water rising around her chest.

"Good?" he asks, still holding her hips, keeping her steady as she fans her arms out to her sides.

"I don't hurt," she says brightly. "I—it doesn't hurt to move," she continues, bringing her hands up to cradle his face, pulling him in for a kiss.

He laughs as they break apart, as her hands coast down his chest. "Take it easy though," he cautions.

"With you, or me?" she asks with a grin.

"Both," he growls.

She laughs and turns as Alexis wades over, Johanne giggling in her arms, her little biceps adorned with floaties.

"Hey, baby," Kate greets, holding out her hands for Johanne.

"Careful," Castle murmurs as Alexis passes the baby over.

Kate holds Johanne's hips, but the floaties take care of her weight. He watches as Kate brings her close, keeping her on her right side, away from her incision site.

Johanne babbles at her, touching her face and slapping the water at intervals. Kate laughs and babbles back.

"I've missed holding you, bug," she tells the baby.

"Told you," Alexis says, swimming up to him.

"Yeah, you did," he agrees. He'd been wary of the idea, but seeing Kate hold her daughter, kiss her daughter, just enjoy her daughter, is worth it. "You're perfect," he tells Alexis.

She scoffs and he shakes his head, reaching out to wrap her up in a wet bear hug. "You will never convince me differently," he tells the crown of her head, meeting Kate's eyes as they each hold a daughter.

Alexis smiles as she pulls back. She turns and watches as Kate nuzzles Johanne. Alexis leans back into him and he wraps his arms around her shoulders. She deflates into him after a moment, and he can feel the melancholy seeping into her. So he makes a bold decision, and dunks her.

She comes up spluttering and shrieks at him, chasing after as he takes off for the deep end, hearing Kate laughing with Johanne in the background. Alexis chases him into the corner of the far side, splashing him furiously until they're laughing too hard to keep fighting.

A few minutes later, they slowly swim back toward the shallows, where Kate and Johanne are sitting on the steps, Johanne bouncing on Kate's legs.

"You comfy?" he asks as he piggy backs Alexis the last few yards.

Kate smiles. "Look, Dad. No padding."

He laughs and feels Alexis smiling, her cheek pressed to his. "You having fun with mama, bug?" she asks.

Johanne grins. "Can you say hi to Lexi?" Kate asks, tickling Johanne's tummy.

"Hi!" Johanne says. Alexis laughs.

"Hi Josie."

"Can you say Lexi?" Kate prompts the baby. "Le-xi."

"Ex-i!" Johanne squeaks out.

"Hey, yeah," Alexis says happily. "I'm Lexi."

"That's never going away, is it?" Castle grumbles.

"I thought you just didn't like Lex," Kate says.

"I just don't like nicknames," he complains.

"Wait a second," Kate huffs. "I have a nickname. You gave Josie her nickname, and you have a nickname. Two of them, actually."

"She has a point," Alexis agrees.

"Well I don't—your name is Alexis. It's not too long, and it suits you," he argues petulantly. He just doesn't like nicknames for Alexis.

"Are you really going to make your adorable daughter call her sister 'Alexis'?" Kate asks with a raised eyebrow.

"No," he says, pouting.

"Then shut up," Kate offers with a grin. "Can you say Lexi again, Josie?"

"Ex-i!" Johanne repeats, clapping her hands together.

"That's so cute," Alexis says, sliding off his back to shuffle over and sit on the step below Kate's. "Hi Josie-bug," Alexis says, reaching out to take her from Kate.

"Ex-I, Ex-i!" Johanne says as Alexis hoists her in and out of the water.

Castle sighs and plops down next to Kate. "Okay, that is pretty adorable," he says, leaning close and bracing himself on his arm behind her back.

Kate turns and meets his eyes. "She's so happy," she whispers.

"Well yeah," he says, watching the girls. "She's with her sister, and her mommy's giving her snuggles. It's a good day."

"Yeah," Kate agrees. "It's a great day. Thank you," she adds, leaning her head onto his shoulder.

"I would take credit, but it was all Alexis," he tells the crown of her head, watching as Alexis walks deeper into the pool with Johanne, both of them giggling.

"Yeah, well, that's on you," she tells him. "She wouldn't be so great if she wasn't yours."

He smiles into her hair. "Happy Mother's Day."

"Thank you, Castle."

(…)

"I think it's time for me to head back," Jim tells him later that night, as they sit on the deck, watching the sunset.

Castle turns and regards the man, watches the way he stares out at the ocean then flicks his gaze to Kate and Johanne, who lie cuddled together on one of the loungers, asleep.

"If you're sure," Castle says quietly.

Jim nods and turns to meet his eyes. "It's time. I need to go back to work, and you've got Katie taken care of here."

"She'll miss you," he offers, because the man seems so sad, and he has nothing else to give.

Jim smiles wryly. "Maybe. But I think she's got everything she needs right here."

"Come back," Castle replies. "For Memorial Day, or the 4th. We'll have the guys up, have a barbecue."

"She might really be walking by the 4th," Jim says with a nod.

Castle pauses. "Kate or Josie?"

"Both?" Jim says, giving him a true smile. "Thank you," he adds as Alexis comes out onto the porch with a glass of wine for his mother and a soda for herself. "This was—I'm glad you guys did this."

"She's a mom," Castle manages.

Jim nods. "Johanna would have loved this."

"I'm sorry she can't be here," Castle says softly.

Jim meets his eyes. "I am too. You should wake her," he adds, gesturing to Kate.

"You'll say goodbye before you leave?" Castle presses. It just—the phantom look in Jim's eye—he can see the man just slipping away.

Jim looks back at him with a quirk to his lips. "I will. Goodnight," he adds, waving to Alexis and Martha before rising and walking back into the house.

Castle watches him go then looks back at Kate and the baby, imagines watching Alexis or Johanne celebrate this day without Kate. He'd want to run away too.

Instead, he kneels down beside the lounger and strokes his fingers over Kate's cheek. She slides her eyes open after a moment and gives him a sleepy smile.

"Hey," she roughs out.

"Hey," he whispers. "We should get you guys into bed."

"But I'm comfy," she protests, snuggling down a little in the lounger.

He hears Alexis giggle and smiles. "I know, but I bet you'd be comfier in bed."

"Fine, but take Josie first," she decides, shifting so he can scoop the girl up and cradle her to his body.

"Alexis, make sure she doesn't fall asleep," he says, chuckling as Kate swats lazily at him.

Alexis grins and walks over to plop into Johanne's deserted spot. Kate mock-glares at her then tugs until she lays down beside her, the two of them staring out at the ocean.

He shares a smile with his mother, who raises her glass at him before he walks through the sliding glass doors and back toward their room. Johanne stays peacefully asleep as he brings her into the bedroom. He steps up to the crib but finds himself staring down at the baby instead of putting her down.

"You made mama so happy today," he says softly. "You do every day, but today especially. She was all smiles, even though I know she missed her mom. But you're not going to miss your mom, are you? Your mommy's gonna be around for a long, long time."

Johanne sighs and cuddles into him. He strokes his fingers over her cheek and lifts her up to press his lips to her forehead before reluctantly setting her down in her crib. He watches her there for a long moment. Someday she'll be as big as Alexis, cooking brunch and working hard to make Kate smile—lighting up the same way Alexis does whenever the woman laughs. Someday she'll be big and grown.

He doesn't want that day to come.

And yet, as he walks back onto the deck and sees Kate and Alexis side by side, heads close together, whispering to each other, he figures it won't be so hard to watch Johanne grow up. Not when he gets to see her with Kate.

His mother rises and wanders over to where he stands in the doorway, just watching his girls chat together.

"This was a lovely day, Richard," Martha says, nudging her glass into his bicep.

"Happy Mother's Day," he replies.

She smiles. "First good one in a while."

"Amen to that," he agrees. "You heading in?"

"I thought I might," she says, glancing at the girls. "Give you two some time. They've been very cute."

"Aren't they always?" he wonders as he leans in to kiss her cheek. "Sleep well, mother."

"You too, darling."

With that, she sidles past him and into the house, leaving the three of them there in the moonlight.

"I don't know. I think it sounds amazing," he hears Kate say.

"What sounds amazing?" he asks, walking over to plop down beside her lounger, settling on the deck and resting his head against the padding along her side.

"Stanford," Kate offers, instantly reaching down to card her fingers through his hair as he tenses.

"Oh," he lets out, fighting both a frown and a smile at once, for his daughter's impending departure, and the delicate fingers soothing along his scalp.

"Alexis was mentioning that she might not want to go," Kate explains.

"Kate," his daughters squeaks.

"Was that secret?" she asks.

"No, but…he's gonna make charts."

"Charts?" Kate asks.

"I will not," he interjects. But, huh, that's actually a good idea. Charts, and maybe a collage, and a cake—a 'don't leave for college early' cake.

"I just," Alexis huffs. "I don't know. I don't want to miss everything," she mumbles.

"I told her she wouldn't," Kate says, lightly pinching his ear before he can open his mouth. "That we'd Skype and facetime and she can fly back any weekend she wants."

He sighs. Yes, she shouldn't change her plans because of what's just happened. Yes, if she truly, in her heart of hearts, wants to leave early for college, she should. But does he really need to be good about this? He can't capitalize on her fear and…

God damnit, Kate Beckett is a good woman.

"Even so," Alexis says quietly. "Josie's gonna be talking and walking and Gram's school will open, and you guys will…do whatever it is you're going to do. I could be part of that."

"And that would be wonderful," he says quickly. Kate rubs his ear. "But only if you want it to be," he forces out, proud to sound genuine about it.

"Yeah," Alexis sighs.

"You don't have to decide now," Kate adds.

"I know," his daughter says. "I know."

He glances over Kate's stomach and watches as Alexis cuddles into her, her eyes trained out on the ocean. Kate turns her head to meet his eyes.

"Okay?" she mouths.

He nods and kisses her palm. She smiles and looks back out at the ocean, the three of them quiet, and together.

(…)

He watches the next afternoon as Kate wavers in the front doorway, watching the SUV trundle back down the driveway, taking her father away. Castle called for a service to drive him back, accompanied by one of the security guards.

She and Jim had hugged for ages, exchanging soft words before he kissed her cheek and left with the promise of many pictures of Josie and phone calls between the two. Kate sways, her hand clutching the doorframe.

"Okay?" he asks, walking up behind her to gingerly pull her back against his chest.

The way she willingly sinks against him tells him she's far from 'okay.'

"He'll be fine, right?" she asks softly.

"Of course."

"Right," she says, nodding, her hand gripping into his arm across her stomach. "I think I'm paranoid," she admits softly.

"Join the club," he whispers into her ear, smiling as she huffs out a laugh. "Come on. Let's play with the baby."

She turns in his arms and tilts her head up. He leans down and meets her lips in a gentle kiss. She sighs as he pulls back and takes her hands, leading her back into the house and into the living room where Alexis is set up on the play mat with Johanne, the two of them sitting cross-legged, Johanne slapping Alexis' larger palms, giggling.

"She's not quite ready for Patty Cake," Alexis announces as Castle helps Kate sit down on the couch and props her up with pillows. "But she's getting there."

Castle opens his mouth, but his phone rings. Kate and Alexis exchange a smirk and he rolls his eyes, leaving them to step onto the deck.

"Castle," he greets, leaning up against the railing, letting the wind whip at his face. The ocean's choppy today. It might storm.

"Mr. Castle, this is—"

He stills. "Jordan Shaw?"

"You have a good memory for voices, Castle."

He waits, but she doesn't continue. "I'm guessing this isn't a social call?" he asks slowly, feeling more than the chill of the ocean breeze lick against his chest.

"Unfortunately not."