The Weight of Us

Chapter Twenty-Five

"We need someone to deliver our silver lining now." —Ingrid Michaelson, "Are We There Yet"

Alexis slid her key into the lock and let herself into her dad's loft. It was almost ten, long past an appropriate visiting hour, and by the time she stepped foot in the apartment, the frantic, furious energy pumping through her veins had cooled. Now, her stomach twisted with regret and anxiety. God, she hoped Kate was still up. The loft was dimly lit, and her heart sank a little bit. Had they all gone to bed?

Footsteps echoed on the staircase, and she watched her father descend to the kitchen. He'd probably just put her little sister to bed. "Alexis? What are you doing here?"

"Is Kate here?" she asked.

"She's still at the precinct."

"This late? I thought the benefit of being captain was getting home by five?"

"They got a late lead," he explained, "and she's always been hands on. What's the matter?"

She stopped, suddenly reluctant. She'd come to the loft to talk to Kate, the one person who had always been supportive of her and Kevin's relationship. Her dad, on the other hand… She had a hard time imagining him offering the kind of advice she was looking for. Or any good advice at all, really.

"Do you know when she'll be home?" Alexis asked.

He shook his head, a crease appearing between his eyebrows. "No idea. You want to tell me what's going on?"

"I came to talk to Kate."

"What am I, chopped liver?" he asked, the joke falling flat on her ears.

She sighed, wringing her hands together. Finally, she forced the words from her lips, prepared for the worst. "Kevin and I had a fight. And I was hoping to talk to her about it."

"Oh… Well, you can talk to me about it," he suggested.

Alexis blinked, surprised at her father's mild reaction. "Really?"

"Of course, honey."

"Can you be impartial?" she asked somewhat skeptically. "Kate always tries to be impartial."

"I can try."

She deliberated for a moment, then sighed. Worst-case scenario, he'd give the overprotective sort of advice that she'd been expecting. It wasn't as if that would make her fight with Kevin any worse. "Okay then." Alexis went to the kitchen a pulled a bottle of wine out of the fridge, along with two glasses.

"What are you doing?"

She found the corkscrew and began opening the bottle. "If Kate were here, this is what I'd be doing. Drinking my first glass of wine in months, and telling her about my fight with Kevin." She filled both of the glasses halfway, then took a seat at the kitchen island.

"Okay," he said uncertainly. He took his proffered glass and sat down next to her. "What did you two fight about?"

Embarrassment burned in her cheeks as she considered how to describe her and Kevin's problems, or the sequence of events that had led up to their fight. Her dad knew about her episode; she'd told him and Kate when she and Kevin had come over to pick up Rosie the next morning. She hadn't wanted to tell them, but Kevin insisted that they be kept in the loop just in case it happened again.

Her father and Kate had been understandably worried when they'd gotten the news, and Alexis had been careful to cover only the highlights of her episode. Kevin had been silent while she recounted what she could remember from the night before, watching her with a haunted expression. Alexis took a sip of wine, savoring the bittersweet flavor. "He thinks I'm made of glass. And I think I'm stronger than that."

"I would agree." Her dad nodded. "I think we'd all agree that you're strong."

"Kevin doesn't agree. And lately I've been trying to, um, push our relationship forward. Really give it a shot, you know? And ever since my episode it's like he doesn't even want to try anymore."

His face colored. "Sweetheart, are you talking about sex?"

She felt her own cheeks heat up in response and she looked down at her glass. "Intimacy."

"So is that what triggered your episode, then? Intimacy?" he read between the lines.

"He thinks so."

"And what do you think?"

She sighed. "I think it played a part." She looked up at her dad. "But it wasn't all bad. And it's exactly the kind of step forward I've been wanting. I mean… it's been… since before Rosie was born. That's a long time to be celibate." She blushed when she caught her dad's eye. "Is it weird? Me talking about this?"

He raised his eyebrows, then looked down at his glass. "It's not the most comfortable conversation you and I have ever had." He took a breath. "So he's afraid of triggering you, and you want to… to be intimate regardless of the risk?"

"I don't think he believes I'm going to get better, dads" she said quietly, her voice emotionless, not betraying the sinking dread and certainty. "Even on our date the other night… he kept asking me if I was sure, if I was ready, if I wanted to change my mind. It's like the whole time he was waiting for the other shoe to drop."

"For what it's worth, I was, too."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean… you've kept your distance for so long, and even when you moved in with him, it seemed like those boundaries were in place. I was skeptical, at first, but it really seemed like you two were just coparenting."

"Well, we were. For the most part," she conceded. "Kind of the one day at a time mentality, I guess. I wanted to get settled before trying for any kind of romantic thing."

"Right. And then, the last couple weeks, you've suddenly become very invested in that relationship. I was surprised at the change, and even more surprised that you two were… you know, arranging for overnight childcare. It seemed sudden."

Alexis frowned. "Why didn't you say anything?"

He shrugged. "I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I'm trying to be a little less of a helicopter parent these days. You're a grown woman, and you two were doing well with living together and raising Rosie together… You're entitled to make your own choices."

Alexis stared at her glass for a long time. "It didn't feel sudden to me. It felt overdue."

"Overdue?"

She nodded. "Rosie will be two in November. She's a toddler now. And for her entire life so far, I've been this sad, broken person. I'm tired of it. I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to be the person who falls in love and isn't afraid of intimacy and… I don't know. I just want to get to the happily ever after."

"So how did the date go?" he asked. "Was it fairy tale worthy?"

She smiled. "I thought so. I had a great time… until my baggage caught up with me." She took another sip of wine. "I've been trying so hard to get better, and one slip-up and suddenly Kevin's looking at me like I'm terminal."

Her father sighed. "You wanted me to be Kate, right?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Just making sure. Because your dad and Kate would have very different pieces of advice on this."

Alexis laughed. "What would my dad say about it?"

"He'd say any guy who doesn't realize how strong you are isn't worth your time."

That sounded about right. "And Kate, what's her answer?"

He thought for a moment. "Maybe it's not about you being strong. Maybe it's that he thinks you're trying so hard to be strong that you're ignoring the parts of yourself that need a little more time to heal." He paused. "And maybe Kevin's got some parts that are still healing, too. He, um, that morning after your episode when you two came over to pick up Rosie… I could tell he was hurting about it, too."

Alexis thought about Kevin's behavior over the last few days. The haunted expression on his face when he thought she wasn't looking at him. The grimaces that had replaced any sort of real smile. The way he simultaneously tried to handle her with care and keep her at arm's' length. She shook her head. "I can heal and progress at the same time. That's pretty much all I've been doing the last few months. Pushing my comfort zone and getting better along the way."

"Maybe that's not what he needs to get better."

"But—"

"Honey, have you and Ryan ever learned how to compromise?"

She stopped. "What?"

"Compromise. I've seen you both give up a lot for the other… but have you ever met in the middle?"

Her mind went blank. "I… I don't know."

"Well, maybe this is your chance to learn. Maybe now isn't the time for barrelling ahead or staying in place. Try to find a middle ground."

"Maybe you're right." She pushed her chair back. "I'd better go try to make things right, huh?"

Her dad smiled. "Always a good first step."

She kissed his cheek. "Thanks, Dad."

The apartment was dark when Alexis let herself in, except for a dim lamp in the living room. Kevin was stretched across the couch, asleep, his arms folded over his chest. He looked pale, and circles hugged his eyes. Once again, regret settled in the pit of her stomach. He'd waited for her to come home.

She sighed and pulled the blanket from off the back of the couch and draped it over him. He twitched just a bit, blinking groggily. "Lexis?" he mumbled.

She squeezed his hand gently. "I'm home now. Go back to sleep."

"Wait." He sat up, rubbing at his face. "I want to talk to you"

"We can talk in the morning. It's okay. You look exhausted."

"No." He shook his head and reached for her hand. "I'm so sorry, Alexis. I do believe that you'll get better. I know you will. And I'm so sorry if I made you doubt that."

She took a seat next to him. "I'm sorry, too. I'm realizing that I shouldn't expect you to just go along with everything, to walk this road with me. I know how much it hurts you that I'm… the way I am now. And I'm beginning to understand how much it frightened you. I don't want to hurt you, Kevin. And I don't want to scare you. I know all of this is bringing up lots of bad memories for both of us. I just want to get better. I want us to have our happily ever after."

Despite their mutual apologies, his face still looked strained. "Can I be completely and totally honest with you?"

She nodded, her gut clenching in panic.

"I love you. And all I want is to move forward, too. In fact, there's an engagement ring in my sock drawer right now with your name on it." A small smile pulled at his lips. "I want to grow old with you, give Rosie a brother or sister, and fight about stupid stuff like putting away the laundry."

"That does sound nice."

His lips twisted into a frown. "But there's a difference between building a future and forcing our lives to fit whatever ideal it is you're looking for." He sighed. "I'm so proud of the progress you've made. You're so strong and resilient and… You amaze me every day." His eyes slipped over to hers, adoration shining through his baby blues. "But Alexis, I don't want being with me to be something you check off a to-do list."

She frowned. "I'm not—it's not…. That's not what I'm doing."

"I understand that you want to get better. But is this," he gestured around them, "even what you really want?"

"Of course it is." Anxiety made her pulse speed up. "I—I loved our date. I love spending time with you. This feels natural. Raising Rosie feels natural. Our day-to-day feels natural, doesn't it?"

"Is that enough?" he asked. "Why are you choosing me?"

She stopped for a moment, staring at him incredulously. "Because you're you. You're who I've always chosen. You were there for me when I ran out on everyone. You took care of Rosie. You're her dad. I mean, it's always been you, Kevin."

"You don't owe me your forgiveness. Or your loyalty. Or your love. You don't owe me anything. We don't have to be together. We can just go back to being friends. Coparents. You can date other people. You can love someone else."

She shook her head. "I don't want to love someone else."

He stood up. "Maybe you should try."

"Are you kidding me, Kevin?" She stood and took his hand, anchoring him so he couldn't walk away from her. Her heart was racing. "Where is this coming from?"

"You used to keep me at arm's length. You used to say you have reasons for protecting yourself from me. You used to talk about taking it slow and learning to trust me."

"I don't want to protect myself from you anymore."

He shook his head, looking down at the floor. "Do you trust me, Alexis? Or is all of this part of your desperation to make progress? Because I really can't tell. I can't tell if you want me for me, or if you want me because you think you need me to create this happily ever after you've been chasing."

She let go of his hand, her mind racing, unable to form a response. "You… you said you loved me."

"I do!" he insisted. He finally looked at her, taking both of her hands in his. "And that's why I have to tell you that I'm not your only option. Hell, I might not even be your best option."

"I don't understand," she said, her voice small. "You wanted this. You've always wanted this."

He shook his head. "I wanted you to choose me because you loved me back. Not just because you think it's the logical next step."

"Why can't it be both?"

"Because you deserve the opportunity to figure out what you really want! Because I don't want us to be together out of default." He let go of her hands. "I've limited your choices in the past, and I'm not going to put you in that situation again."

She reached for him, anxious to feel that physical connection again. "Kevin, let's think about this. You don't have to be afraid of hurting me. We can slow down. I won't push for intimacy anymore, okay? We can go as slow as you need."

"Alexis, you're not listening to me," he said quietly.

"I am listening! I just don't understand. You don't want me anymore?"

"I want you to see the choices you have."

"You are all I want," she insisted, tears stinging at her eyes. "I don't want anyone else. Kevin, please. Don't do this. Don't just throw away everything we've built. I love you, okay? I said it. I love you. Please don't shut me out."

His arms slid around her, and she clutched onto him. "I'm not going anywhere," he said. "I'm still here. And I still want you to be here, too." He pulled back to look at her and brushed a kiss over her forehead. "But I think it's important for you to really take the time to figure out what you want."

Tears slid down her face, and she wiped them away with a sniff. "I asked my dad for advice. He said we should compromise. Where's the compromise here, Kevin? This just feels like you're breaking up with me."

He guided her to sit on the edge of the bed. "Here's the compromise: Promise me that you'll think about this, and I promise that, in return, I'll help you with whatever you need to keep making these steps forward. Dating. Intimacy. Whatever you need."

Alexis shook her head as her mind helpfully supplied reasons for his change of heart. He didn't really love her. He was tired of her and her baggage. He wanted someone new. Someone who could give him what she couldn't.

Worthless. Broken. Nobody wants—

He touched her cheek. "Alexis, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not kicking you out. I'm still here for you whenever you need me, okay? I just want you to be happy. And I'm afraid that if we keep pushing forward without even stopping to think about things, you're going to wake up one day and have a lot of regret."

She wiped her eyes. "And you're okay with me living here and dating other people?"

"If that's what you need, I'd find a way to be okay with it."

"And if I think about it and decide I still want to be with you?"

"Then we'd be together. And... I don't know, keep working on that happily ever after." He squeezed her hand. "I just want you to think about it, okay?"

She sighed in resignation and squeezed his hand in return. "Okay."

Author's Note: Thanks so much for reading! Please review!