"Why is there s-so much of it?"
Kili stared in mingled intrigue and revulsion at the torrent of black water slurping past his feet. He edged back two spaces and curled in his toes, wrinkling his nose when a few drops splattered too close.
"Watch out, Kili." Carefully Fili steered his brother away, eyeing the sucking river with unease.
Curiosity threw aside common sense and Kili ducked under Fili's arm to lean close to the edge, dropping his hand to trail his fingers in the water. Before he could touch the foul stream a hand lashed out and grabbed his wrist, pulling him away. With a startled cry he fell limp, raising his other arm to protect himself from the strike of a fist.
Immediately Thorin dropped Kili's hand and stepped back, horror warring in his features as he saw the terror in the former slave's eyes. It was always like this: Thorin could not win. His every attempt to protect his nephew was interpreted as an act of cruelty and he could never seem to convince his nephew that there was any other intent.
Kili shivered slightly, wide eyed and silent, and Thorin resorted to the only tactic he thought his nephew would want. Regretfully, he turned away and left Fili to assure his brother that no harm was meant.
"Easy, Kili," he heard Fili whisper as he helped the younger Dwarf sit up. "He was just trying to keep you from falling in. You remember what Beorn said about the waters of Mirkwood? Whatever you do, don't go near them. It's too dangerous."
"I w-wasn't going to drink it," Kili muttered sullenly. "H-he didn't have to be so m-mean about it."
Thorin staggered and abruptly turned, astounded by the surly reply. There was no cowering, stuttering apologies for rash words. Kili stared at him with smoldering, brazen eyes, one hand firmly clenched in his pocket and the other bracing Fili's arm for support. Too startled to voice his nephew's insolence, Thorin held his gaze stoically until Kili realized his mistake and hastily backed away.
"W-wait, I – I didn't mean it!" Kili whispered frantically, looking up to Fili for help.
"What in Durin's name…?" Balin murmured with concern.
"Leave it," Thorin grunted. He turned away, battering down the irritation that rose within him. It was only one incident. Thorin refused to respond with anger. No matter what Kili expected, he would never be that manner of Dwarf.
"Keep an eye on him, Dwalin," he said in a low tone. "He might decide to do something rash again…" The thought gave him more concern than the rebellion he had heard in his nephew's tone. In afterthought Thorin mentioned, "And keep him away from that water!"
"I d-didn't mean it!" Kili insisted repeatedly, stumbling over his own tongue as he pulled fervently on Fili's hand. "T-tell him I didn't mean a-any of it!"
"Mahal, Kili, what in earth is going on with you?"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I-I w-won't do it again – d-don't send me away, Fee – Fili, p-please, don't let them s-send me back…"
"Kili, no one is sending you away, all right? I told you again and again - what do I have to say to make you believe me?"
"T-tell him I'm sorry!" Kili exclaimed, as though this was the most practical solution in the world. "F-Fee – "
"All right!" Throwing his hands in the air, Fili gave up. He stalked forward and stopped behind Thorin, awkwardly shifting before looking behind him. Kili nodded expectantly, every nerve set on edge. With a sigh Fili muttered, "He says he's sorry. Can we please just get this settled once and for all?"
They were back to the beginning all over again. Thorin could not believe it. Kili had come so far in the past few days, yet once more they were stepping on thin ice again trying not to upset him. Resolving himself for the worst, Thorin clapped Fili's shoulder in support and turned to his other nephew. Kili was waiting anxiously, quick to lower his head in submission at Thorin's approach. He did not cower, however, for which Thorin was immeasurably grateful. He did not know how many more of those episodes he could endure.
Kili cringed slightly as Thorin drew near, then tilted his head expectantly - like a child hoping he could be punished quickly so he could go back to his play. Thorin repressed the urge to walk away and let Gloin deal with the boy: he was getting too old for this. I could never understand Kili when he was younger, he recalled, envisioning an erratic, vulnerable child who could be cheerful one moment and burst into tears the next. What in Aule's name was he expected to do with Kili now?
There was mingled belligerence and fear in those eyes, regret and the guilt of a child caught thieving sweets from the market. It was hard for Thorin to think, let alone formulate a proper reply, with those smoldering dark orbs shifting between worry and aggravation. For what seemed like hours Thorin matched Kili's stare, until the young shuddered in surrender and reverted his gaze to the dirty cloth strips binding his feet.
"Didn't mean it."
Thorin had to strain to catch the murmured apology. He fought down an exasperated sigh. This really was Gloin's area of expertise. Thorin had always felt like a bumbling idiot when dealing with children, and Kili was not making himself any exception. Once again Thorin was at a complete loss, but this time he could not pass on the responsibility to one of the others and trust that the job would be acceptably taken care of. This was his task, and his alone. He was the leader. He was the king. It was a small task to care for his wayward nephew.
Thorn wished he had a warg pack to decapitate instead.
In that moment Kili raised his eyes and Thorin cringed, painfully reminded of an identical scenario. Tangled copper hair replaced dark for an instant, dark eyes shimmering with both remorse and rebellion as thin, booted feet kicked the shattered remains of a treasured heirloom out of Thorn's sight. With a start Thorin snapped back to the present, copper hair replaced with dark as he realized what needed to be said.
"I am not angry," Thorin told Kili quietly, the heaviness he felt inside showing through. He crouched down as he had when the boy was a child, making himself appear more of a bobcat in a child's vision than a mountain lion. "I am not angry," Thorin repeated, the words coming easier to his mind. "Do you see that river behind you?"
Reluctantly Kili shifted and peered over his shoulder as directed.
"There is an enchantment on that stream. " It seemed so easy, to address Kili as though he was still shorter than Thorin's waist and struggling to understand precise orders. "If you touch that water, you may never wake again. Do you not remember my warning?"
Kili responded with a glum nod. He drew a handful of grass into a clumsy knot, too ashamed to look Thorin in the eye once more.
"Kili. I am not angry with you." Thorin prayed it was not his imagination that some of the dread had left his nephew's stance. "I am trying to protect you."
"Hurt," Kili mentioned softly.
Thorin stilled in alarm. "What?"
"Shoulder." Kili rubbed it briefly, looking up to Thorin with a wounded expression. "P-Pulled it."
Thorin's face fell and he instinctively reached out to see to the hurt he had caused. The weight on his heart doubled when Kili stiffened and drew closer to Fili for protection. The doors fell back into place: Kili's mind was blocked off to him once more.
"Let Oin see to it," Thorin ordered with a heavy sigh. He rose to his feet, unable to say more. "Fifteen minutes rest," he said to the others. "Then we move on. We still have far to go before dark."
"Wait – di-did I do something wrong? I d-didn't know – "
"Kili, let it go," Fili cut his brother off. "You heard Thorin: you're fine. Now let Oin – Mahal, your feet are filthy, Kili. How on earth do you expect to heal if you keep soiling the bandages like that?"
"Never used bandages before," Kli muttered. "The wounds closed up without too much trouble."
"Sure, only after they brand – "
Cutting silence reigned as Fili choked on his words. "Never mind," he said queasily. "Let's get this done. We should be moving on soon."
Kili roughly pushed his shoulder, but offered no other form of retaliation. The silence was painful, until Oin finished his examination and pronounced Kili fit to go on.
"A little strained, but no worse for wear," he announced. "Best to keep off your feet for a while, though: mark my words, Kili, it is better to face a minor loss of dignity than to battle another infection."
"F-fine," Kili conceded. "But I want Fili to – "
"I will take him."
Kili's eyes flew wide open as Thorin approached. Thorin scarcely gave him enough time for a squawk of protest before he was lifted high and settled on his uncle's shoulders. Kili managed a slight squeak, clacking his mouth shut against further protests. He looked helplessly at Fili, begging for his brother to offer him a way of escape.
"Kili, it's fine. You remember how Thorin used to carry us like that all the time, don't you?"
Kili tensed, grasped for the fleeting, faded memories of feeling wet and cold from the snow and trusting the broad, strong shoulders before him to protect him from the wind. He thought for a moment that he smelled something tart and luscious, a food he could not remember, and he felt large hands holding him high to grab for something crisp and red…. But then the image faded and he could not bring it back.
Not scared, not scared, not scared….
He heard the jeers and shouts of the older children turn into shrieks of terror at being caught. He couldn't see out of his right eye… something was wrong with him. The cobblestones felt cool and damp against his cheek, and he didn't want to move. He hoped they wouldn't take him away because he was injured. He had to try and get up…. Prove that he was still able to be useful to them….
Large, rough hands cupped his face gently, rubbing away the dirt streaked on his swollen, bruised cheek.
"Mahal, Kili, what did they do to you?"
Anger. He sensed it all around him, but he wasn't afraid. Why wasn't he afraid?
He tried to say something… maybe he did say something. He couldn't hear the words. Suddenly he was swooped up and he knew he should be scared, because the massive, burly arms were like Baldor's and he knew he would be thrown off the scaffold and maybe it would be a long ways down and there wouldn't be anyone to break his fall at the bottom …
But the arms didn't hurt him. And they didn't drop him. He was cradled gently, held tight by someone who loved him and cared about what happened to him. He wasn't afraid. He felt … safe.
Kili faltered and shook his head. Dream or memory, he could not say: it was too muddled together. The vision made him feel almost secure, though – like maybe Thorin was to be trusted.
He glanced down at Fili who offered him an encouraging smile, straying close by as though sensing that his brother would want the comfort of his presence. Slowly Kili forced himself to relax and settle down. Flili would not leave him in danger. He would not abandon him with the leader if it was not safe.
I know I've felt this before….
He closed his eyes and tried hard to remember, piecing together fragments of memories and scowling when they were patched together n the wrong order.
I know this has happened before.
Sunlight melded with sharp, stinging snow. Firelight turned into goblins screams and dark caverns burst into cheery morning light in a room he did not recognize. Giving up, Kili slumped and closed his eyes. Maybe tonight when he dreamed, everything would magically come together.
He faintly hoped so: he wanted to be able to trust Thorin… just a little.
Maybe tonight I'll see him with Mom and Fili. Then I'll know. Until then…
Kili's fingers slowly released the circle of shiny metal and curled instead around Fili's pendant. As long as Fili was here Kili decided he wouldn't put up a fuss. As long as his brother was here, nothing Thorin could do would ever hurt him.
Aaaaaand that's it for the bittersweet and fluffy chapters! Enjoy them while they last, because the drama is back again starting next chapter.
Feed the Muses. They devour Thanksgiving leftovers.