So, I know the last chapter scared a few of you off, but I want to thank everyone who is reading now and will see the story through with me. I understand that the thought of Spike cheating drives most of us insane, but I wanted to empahsize the lows that their relationship had entered. I know the angst was a little much for some, but believe me when I say, while this story is still angst-ridden, none will enter the same realm of angst as the last chapter. Try to rememebr that even canon Spuffy did some extremely horrible things to one another (attempted rape much?), but somehow we cant stop rooting for them.

For the most part, the story will turn to focus on rebuilding the Spuffy relationship from the bottom up, starting at their base, friendship. Thats something that this Spuffy relationship has lost sight of. You'll understand a little more by the end of this chapter, what I have in store.

I want to give an extra special thanks to my beta, SlayerDaniWho, and to all the readers who have reviewed and "liked" The Story. I apprecaite each and every one of you. Enjoy!

Chapter 25

Spike was panicked, in a frenzy. His drunken mind had sobered, but now he just could not think, could not grasp what he had done. He stumbled through the bar and ran straight for his Desoto, desperate to rid himself of this place and of the foul thing he had done.

Reaching his car, he threw himself in and slammed the door shut. Everything was so quiet in here, away from the crowd. He stared off at the brick wall before him, absorbing the silence and trying to straighten his mind out. What would he do? Where would he go?

The image of Harmony, legs wrapped around his waist as he drove into her, flashed before his eyes and he began to hyperventilate. Frantic to get far away from this place, he shoved the keys into the ignition and sped out of the parking lot.

Spike drove around aimlessly for a while before realizing he could not go home. There was no way that he could look at Buffy, see her beautiful face, not now. No matter how callous and cold she may have been, she didn't deserve what he had done, this breaking of the sanctity of their marriage.

Without really making a conscious decision, he headed for the hotel on the outskirts of town. It didn't take him long to get there and he felt a grave sense of shame wash over him as he turned into the raggedy place, passing the whores and drug addicts who yelled out profanity or gave him come hither looks.

He had robotically spoken to the clerk and paid for his nights, and before he knew it, he was standing in a dark and dank room that reeked of mildew. Glancing around him, he saw a dingy double bed and a single dresser across from it. A light from the bathroom caught his attention and he strode towards it, roughly stripping himself of his clothes as he walked, hoping it would rid him of the filth he felt surrounding him, not only physically but also internally.

He carefully avoided the mirror, not ready to look at the fool who gave up a love of more than five years, and turned the water to its hottest temperature. When he saw steam began to fold its way past the moldy curtain, he swung it open and flung himself within.

Tilting his head back, he allowed the steaming water to drench him, running its way down his body, cleansing him of his sins. After a few moments, he realized that the guilt and self-loathing he felt had not gone anywhere, and began frantically scrubbing at his body.

He scrubbed the stench of that whore off him, yet still he felt her around him. Would he ever be clean? After too many minutes spent trying, the water began to chill, so he turned off the shower and haphazardly dried himself. With only a glance at the clothes on the floor, he made his way to the bed, a feeling of exhaustion overtaking him. Nevertheless, as he lay on his side atop the grimy blanket, all he could think about is what he had done.

He had finally done it, he realized. He would finally push her too far. Maybe, just maybe, Buffy would've come out of…this, whatever this funk was she was in. Now she would not want a thing to do with him. She would never forgive him this sin. Hell, he would never forgive himself.

He shook, not from cold but from fear. Fear of losing his wife, the love of his life. He vowed to never hurt her, and he'd stood by that promise up until now. Lately, it had been he who watched as she hurt herself. He had spent so many years supporting her, protecting her…and now look at him. He had hurt her worse than she could ever hurt herself.

The fleeting thought of not telling her entered his mind only for a moment before he shunned it away. He had done enough to harm the once healthy relationship between them; he would not bring lies into it. In fact, Spike planned right then and there to tell her as soon as he laid eyes on her.

When that would be, he did not know. For now, all he wanted to do was hide like the coward he felt himself to be.

He would hide from the pain he knew he would see in her eyes, from the sins he had committed and the horrors he had caused. Yet no matter how hard he tried, he could not hide from the agony of it all. Silent sobs wracked his body and he cried…just cried. He cried for the loss of his marriage, for himself, for Buffy. He cried for them all.

At first, Buffy was frustrated. He was usually home by now. She rationalized his tardiness by assuming he was trying to make her worry, payback for how she'd acted. She knew what she had said and done was wrong, but the part of her that was hiding from reality just could not handle Spike's adoration, his emotions, not when she was trying so hard to push her own away.

A few hours later, when she finally went to bed, her frustration turned to anger. It was cruel of him to not let her know where he was. He had never been gone so long and he knew she would be worried. While she acknowledged, of course only to herself, that she was wrong, they were both adults and this was not how adults acted. She had gone to bed frowning at his behavior.

However, as the sun shown high in the sky and Buffy pulled herself out of bed and into the living room ready to give Spike the evil eye, she froze in dread. He wasn't home, and from the looks of it hadn't been home all night.

She paused for a moment, trying to think steadily, before striding back to her room and looking through her phone for any missed calls or texts. When she saw none, she slumped onto the bed. She was afraid. Had she finally gone too far? Had he left her?

On the other hand, was he hurt? Dead in a ditch? That thought sent chills up her spine and she shook it off, trying to calm herself. Somehow, she found herself standing in front of her couch, at the spot that had become Spike's place of rest. She turned and sunk slowly into the cushions, pulling the folded blanket into her lap and holding it to her face. She took a great breath, breathing in the scent of Spike, all leather and tobacco and some uniquely masculine scent.

She wiped at the tears that began to fall from her eyes. This was the first time that Spike had not come home. No matter how polluted he was, he always found a ride or a way to get back here, back to her. Now, with a sense of dread in her soul, Buffy felt terror for the first time in months.

Her thoughts were moving a mile a minute as she wondered where he was or in what condition. She couldn't shake the urge to panic and, finding she couldn't sit still, she began to pace around the room, every so often glancing at her phone for any sign of change.

Finally, she dialed his number, hoping to get a response. After two rings, it went to voicemail. She took a second to allow his voice to penetrate her mind and provide the briefest of comforts. If he was sending calls to voicemail, which it certainly seemed like, then he was alive.

Taking a deep breath, she relaxed some, a weight having lifted from her shoulders. Still, if he had not come home, things must be worse than she thought. She laughed a dry laugh without any trace of humor at that thought. She knew how bad it was, how much she was hurting him by trying to protect herself, how much she was only hurting herself by trying to deny anyone entry into her heart, into her mind. The thing is, she never expected Spike to leave. He had always been so devoted, so in love with her. If he had finally had enough…she couldn't imagine.

Maybe she was overreacting. Spike had probably just gotten too drunk and stayed the night at a friend's. That had to be it; at least that is what she was going to keep telling herself so that she wouldn't go into a panicked state once more. Still, the sense of dread weighed her down, and she found that she couldn't keep her eyes off her phone or out the window, waiting not-so-patiently for her husband's arrival.

When the sun began to set and she had still not heard a thing from Spike, the worry eased its way back. There was no reason she could think of that would cause him to be gone for more than one night, especially without contacting her. Sure, their relationship may not have been in the greatest place lately, but Spike would never scare her in this way, not intentionally.

She had been trying for so long to push him away, to keep him at arm's length so that she didn't have to deal. Finally, the moment it seemed it had worked, she realized she needed him. The panic seized her. Gasping for breath, she paced the room, unable to catch her breath. Her eyes darted from place to place and the sense of lightheadedness hit her like a tidal wave. Oh god, what had she done?

What was happening? It was like sensory overload. For months, she had been denying the feelings that threatened to consume her and now she was allowing herself to feel things she had been smothering since the day she woke up from that blissful fantasy world to find her son had died before he could even take a breath. Now it all violently assaulted her and she shook with the weight of it.

Frantically, she dialed his number and when it went to voicemail she dialed again and again. The fact that his phone was most likely dead didn't matter . In her panicked state she just knew she needed to hear him, needed to see him, needed him here with her.

Finally, she began dialing everyone they knew, trying to play off casual when she asked them if they had seen Spike. Xander had been confused, Willow concerned, her mother flustered, and Angel brooding. She ignored their questions, ending the calls as soon as she knew they didn't know a thing about her husband's whereabouts. She was hit with only a slight twinge of guilt. She had been ignoring her family and friends for months now, ignoring their calls and avoiding any contact with them at all, but right now, she had more important things to worry about.

She needed to find Spike. Where could he have gone? Oh god, she thought, what if he was hurt. She quickly dialed the hospitals in the area to see if anyone by his description had been brought in. When she didn't get lucky there, she threw her phone across the room with a feminine roar that would send chills down the toughest man's spine.

Finally, she sank to the floor, covering her face with her hands in frustration. Curling into a ball, Buffy hugged her knees tightly to her chest.

How had it come to this? Crying tears for a relationship she once thought was indestructible. Now look at it, look at what she had done, what she had wrought with her own two hands. She'd ignored her husband's pain and suffering. She had blocked him out of her life, pushing him away with malice and indifference. All he had wanted was her love, for them to heal one another, and what had she done? She had made him suffer for it, as if he wasn't in enough pain after losing their son.

Because what she had somehow ignored over these last few months was that he had lost a son too. It was not a loss that she had to suffer alone. The sorrow and anguish that she lived with every day since burying her boy, Spike had lived with it, too. Hell, Spike may even have it worse, if you add the guilt that she knew he felt over the accident.

No longer, Buffy! No longer would she allow her grief to destroy her life. She had every right to feel the pain she felt. Who wouldn't? But she also couldn't allow herself to be dragged into the pits of hell because of it. No matter how much it hurt, she was still alive. She laughed spitefully. Sure, she was still alive, but had she really lived since she'd awoken from her coma?

No more!

The thought pounded into her head and spread through to her heart, into her soul. She slowly let go of her knees and uncurled herself until she was lying flat on the ground, staring up at the beige ceiling of her living room.

No more!

Feelings she hadn't felt in months seeped into, destroying the barrier she'd placed in her mind to separate herself from reality. The sense of freedom that spread through her was so intense that she could practically see those walls crack and fall apart around her until they were no more.

"No more!" She roared with a confidence she hadn't felt in forever. She closed her eyes and stretched her limbs, feeling the tension ease out of her.

She had a plan! Buffy would wait for her husband, give him time. If she didn't hear from him by the end of the night, she'd contact the police, but now that the haze had been lifted from her mind, that old link between them seemed to slowly simmer to life. She had always been able to sense when he was in danger, and now she had no such feelings.

Therefore, when he came home, she would be here. Not that shell of herself that had been roaming the house the last six months. Not that harsh, frigid bitch of a woman who'd wanted to be left alone to wallow in her own misery. No, Buffy Anne Summers-Giles would be here waiting for him, and she'd apologize for the heartbreak she had caused them…and maybe, just maybe, he would forgive her. Then they could finally heal, together.

You must not wish for what you can never change. You must embrace and build the new. Trust that you can keep going, long after you think you can go no further.

Her son's words rang strong in her mind, and finally she saw and understood them at face value. She was ready now. She was finally strong enough to deal. Then, for the first time in what felt like a lifetime, she smiled.

One more block and he'd be home, yet here he was, parked in the driveway of an abandoned house on the next street. God, he was a coward.

He spent the entire night and most of the next day in his hotel room feeling sorry for himself. Once he'd somewhat snapped out of his despair and self-loathing, he realized his phone was dead and knew that Buffy must be worried sick. He'd certainly never been gone this long without contacting her or coming home. A part of him wondered if she was actually worried for him, though. The old Buffy, the one he married, would have been. This woman who had taken her place did not seem to care either way for him.

That thought made him sniffle, and once more he was overwhelmed with self-pity. She would never forgive him this. No way, no how…yet still, there was absolutely no way he'd keep it from her. Despite her behavior, she didn't deserve what he had done. Married or not, Spike had a pretty serious code of ethics. He had always believed himself to be a moral and just man at the core, in spite of his rebellious tendencies. What he had done - and with whom - went against everything he believed, and he didn't know if he'd ever be right again.

When he thought about how he would hurt her when he told her the news, it tore him up. She was his guiding light, his angel. So long ago, his upside down world suddenly made sense when that angel fell into his life. Then his every dream came true when she returned his love, and with a ferocity that stunned anyone who got close enough to see and feel the bond shared between them.

He didn't think anything could get better, but he'd soon realized that when you were near a girl like her, things could only do just that. When they'd found out that they had created a precious life together, the stars had aligned. Making her his wife was just another layer of icing to their cake. She was there for him when no one else cared, loved him when no one else wanted him, and she had held his hand through everything, good and bad, as they grew into the adults they were today. She was his everything, his world, and he couldn't bear that he was about to destroy that world.

He had never been good at handling emotions, and as his emotions bubbled up within him, he lashed out, taking his pain and anger out on the innocent dashboard of his car. Finally, feeling zapped of all his energy, he wrapped his arms around the steering wheel, rested his head against it, and cried. Who knows how long he sat there, just like that, but he cried until he was sure there was no longer any moisture left in him. The sun was already setting and he knew his time of cowardice had run up.

It was time to face his fate.

Since her breakthrough, Buffy had freshened up. The steaming hot shower she'd taken seemed to cleanse her soul. She had thrown on a simple pink hoodie and matching sweat shorts. The light layer of lip gloss she'd decided on at the last minute seemed to top her mood off.

Spike would be here soon. She could feel it, and when he made his appearance, she'd give him the surprise of a lifetime. Her excitement bubbled and she couldn't wait to tell him her discovery.

When she heard the car pull into the driveway, she quickly reapplied her lip gloss and stood, suddenly slightly nervous, in the doorway of foyer. She heard him jostle through his keys and watched as the door was unlocked from the outside. The door opened slowly, and there he was, in all his magnificent glory.

She had gone so long without truly seeing him. Now that her eyes were wide open, she was amazed at his beauty. The proud posture, rugged good looks, brilliant blue eyes that sang all of his emotions loud and clear. Emotions that made her slightly hesitant, but she brushed them off to his apprehension over their last fight.

When he noticed her standing there, watching him, he jumped, and then sighed heavily. "Buffy…"

The sound of his voice gave her shivers and she mustered up her most dazzling Buffy smile. He was clearly frightened of her reaction to his mysterious disappearance. When he looked like he was about to speak, she decided to go for it. She took the steps towards him in a trance until she was finally right before him, close enough she could smell the natural scent that had always made her wet. Now was not the time for that though. Of course, a part of her was excited to feel him between her legs once more. Had it really been so long?

Her closeness shocked him and before he could say a word, she placed a gently finger on his lips. Now his eyes had widened to an almost silly proportion. She had not touched him in months, especially not with gentleness. That thought made her sad, so she quickened to make her point.

"Don't say anything, please. I…what I did and said, not just the other night, but these last few months…they were horrible. I was horrible. You don't deserve what I've done to you." Her voice broke as the guilt came to the surface. "God, Spike, how did you deal with it? Why did you stay? I don't deserve it, your love. I don't deserve you."

Tears began falling from his eyes now, but he remained still, transfixed on her every word. She began rubbing her finger across his lips, loving the softness of them. She moved her other hand, the one that had been resting on his chest, up to cup his cheek and gently wipe away his errant tears.

"I love you, Spike. So damn much. I let my grief consume me and it almost tore us apart. Hell, it might have torn us apart. For all I know, you've given up on me at last. But if you haven't…if you still want me, still love me…or even if you don't, I need you to know I'm sorry. So very sorry."

She moved her other hand to cup his other cheek and pulled his head down towards her until their foreheads met. Her eyes watched as he squeezed his own shut tightly. When he finally opened them he pulled away from her and walked in a daze towards the window. She looked at his back, noticing the way it shook from silent sobs.

"Spike…" She whispered, unable to bear his grief but knowing that it was the least she could do as his wife and friend. When she reached him she placed a comforting hand on his back.

After a few moments he turned to face her, and the devastation she saw written on his face almost overwhelmed her. He wrapped his arms around her, in an almost bear hug, pulling her into him.

"Oh, god…" He mumbled into her neck. "Oh, god, I'm so sorry, Buffy."

"No, Spike! You have nothing to be sorry for. I was the one who pushed you away. I…"

He pulled back then and looked into her eyes before muttering, "I slept with her."

Buffy had barely heard him. She couldn't have heard him right. "You…what?"

She watched him take a deep breath, and when he looked at her with those intriguing blue eyes, she knew that this would be devastating.

"I slept with Harmony. Not all those months ago. I never even touched her then, but last night…after the fight we had, I got so damn wasted and just wanted to…it doesn't matter now. There's no excuse for what I did. I just…I am sorry, Buffy."

Oh .

Buffy expected to feel anger, even hatred. That's how she would have felt if he had made this confession all those months ago. But now, knowing her contribution to this act, and after breaking a barrier she never thought possible, she could only feel a deep sorrow and utter regret. Regret for all the time she allowed to pass between them. Regret for allowing their relationship to diminish this far. Regret for being too late.

Composing herself, she whispered the first question that had entered her mind. "Do you love her?"

He gasped and seemed to want to move closer to her, before hesitating and falling back. "No, pet. God, no. I hate the chit. What I did…Why I did it…there was no reason other than being thoroughly pissed and right angry. I wanted to…"

"To punish me." She said it calmly, because she knew deep down that it was true, and to be completely honest with herself, she probably deserved some of that punishment…not that she felt she deserved in in just this way.

He sighed and ran an errant hand through his hair. "Yes…but Buffy, I was out of my mind. It only lasted mere minute before I stopped it. I just…couldn't face you. I hid, like a poofter, in a hotel a few miles away. That's where I've been this last day."

She nodded, seemingly believing him. With a groan, she ran a hand down her face and finally looked in his eyes. "We really screwed things up, didn't we?"

God, his eyes were so expressive, and right now they were showing her how deeply his soul was wounded. Damn, she did love those blue eyes. "You didn't do anything, love. This was me, my fault."

She raised a hand for him to stop. "Don't say that because it's not all true now, is it? I hurt you bad. I treated you as if I wanted nothing to do with you, and at the time, I didn't. The things I said…the way I acted…I pushed you too far." She sighed and with new vigor she added, "What you did was wrong, but this isn't all on your shoulders. I know the part I played."

"No, love…" He saw that there was nothing he could do to change her mind, and a part of him knew her words to be true on some level.

"Maybe it's just not our time, Spike. We've done things now, to each other, that will take time to heal. For so long, it's been me and you, Buffy and Spike. We never learned how to survive without each other. Maybe…that's what we need to do."

"Survive…without each other?"

"Learn to. We need to heal ourselves before we can support each other again, and the hurt we did…it's the kind of hurt that needs time, Spike. I'm not saying that we'll never be us again, but maybe…maybe it's just not our time."

"What does that mean, love? Is this…are we over?"

She wiped at a tear. Feeling so utterly lost, but knowing, sensing deep down that this was for the best. "I think we have to be. We need to find ourselves…figure out who we are without each other. It's the only way…"

He nodded, understanding what she meant, but not really wanting to believe. Had it come to this? The end of an era…

She reached for his hand and looked up at him with those big doe eyes. "Tonight let's just forget, Spike. Just for tonight…"

He nodded and allowed her to pull him towards their bedroom. She climbed into the bed and stared at him as he froze in the doorway, unsure what she wanted from him.

"Will you stay with me…just for tonight?"

He nodded and moved, cautiously towards the bed. When she made scooted over to make room for him he understood then what she needed. He lay back onto the bed and engulfed her in his arms breathing in her feminine scent.

They lay there for hours, just like that, before her hands began to slowly brush his body. She started with his arms, sliding her hand up and down them, from his wrists to his broad shoulders. She glided her fingers down each one of his, before sweeping her hand under his black t-shirt and rubbing circles on his stomach and across his chest. He shivered as she traced his collarbone and ran her finger slowly down his thin brown happy trail to play at the waist of his pants.

He gasped when she dove in and grasped him firmly in her tiny palm. He heard her sigh softly against him, as if she had been waiting her whole life to feel him in this intimate way. It certainly had felt like a lifetime for him since she had last laid her hands upon him. When she began stroking him, first slowly, then confidently, he almost lost his mind right then and there.

From Buffy's own moan, he knew she was enjoying herself. Well, he could make her enjoy it much, much more. He sat up on his elbows and reached his hand out to pull her face towards his, enveloping her lips with his own, teasing them softly with his tongue, and nipping at the pouty bottom lip seductively. Their kisses were slow and tender, as if their every emotion was pouring forth with each slide of their lips or slip of their tongue.

They simply groped and kissed, just like that, leisurely and tenderly, in one another's arms for hours, teasing and playing with one another in ways they hadn't in ages. Somehow, they had managed to strip one another until their flesh was pressed together with every move.

Finally unable to bear it any more, Buffy swung her smooth leg across Spike's body and straddled him as she had so many times before, but this time was different…wasn't at all like it was before. She paused then, to just admire the man before her. He stared lovingly back at her with those icy blue eyes, narrowed in wanton desire. Stared right back at her with such open adoration that her heart almost broke all over again, for what they had lost, what they were losing. She shook all of the negative thoughts from her mind, though. This was their last night together, and she would not spoil it with reality, for soon enough, they would both be drenched in its foulness .

Eyes never leaving his, she slid herself down his length until she engulfed him fully to the hilt. She bit her lip to hold back the moan that threatened to escape her right then, feeling him shiver from the sheer sensation of her body wrapped tightly around him. After a moment, she began moving, slowly at first, then speeding up until she rode him as if her life depended on it. His hands expertly roamed her body, rubbing against her hardened nipple, teasing her swollen nub, eyes never once leaving her own.

She'd lost track of how many times she had orgasmed when he slowly rolled them over and drove into her with such fierce emotion that she couldn't help but cry with the weight of it. Each time he entered her, he'd place delicate yet blistering kisses along her collar bone, her breast, her neck, her lips. They were one, breathing in one another, and melding into something they could only wish to be.

That night, they made love as they never had, pouring every ounce of love and desire into every motion, knowing this would be their last with one another for a very, very long time.

By the end of the week, they had made plans about what to do with their lives now that things were over. Wesley was allowing Spike to stay at his beach house until he got himself together. Buffy was going to stay at the house, for now, and had begun looking for jobs in the area. Every night, they simply wrapped their arms around one another and held each other close, reality pausing for the briefest moment, allowing them to just…feel. They didn't make love again, knowing that it would only cause more pain as the day of their separation rang closer, but they would always cherish the night, that last night, when their worlds realigned for an instant.

The night before Spike's move went much the same, he and Buffy holding each other as if their lives depended on it, neither acknowledging the other's tears. When morning finally came, Buffy peeled herself slowly from his muscular frame and gazed longingly at the man she'd spent so many months tearing apart, the man that she loved more than life itself. Resigning herself to the fact that they would never have a healthy relationship if they didn't work past their issues, she tore her gaze from him and began preparing for the long, strenuous day ahead.

When he finally woke up, he knew that the time had come, that reality had dawned. He watched as Buffy wiped her hands off on her shorts and stared at the boxes she had littered across the room. He took a moment to just take her in, in all her glory. He remembered the confident little blonde bit that had chosen him oh-so-long ago. Looking at her now, he couldn't believe how much she had changed, how much she had grown. He knew that the death of their child had taken so much out of her, and in a way, didn't really blame her for the hurt she had caused him. But he knew she was right. Underneath it all, her behavior had caused a scar deep within him, and he had yet, if the time would ever come, to forgive himself for his actions towards her.

He loved her, and after last night, he couldn't doubt that she truly loved him, but they needed time to heal, away from one another. It was for the best. It was. He sighed and strode towards her.

"Guess, its time then, pet?"

She jumped, startled by his deep voice. When she turned to look at him, he could see she had been crying, but his brave girl sucked it right up and gave him one of her sweetest smiles. As they packed up his half of everything, they talked about what each item meant to them, reminiscing over times this was worn or when that picture was taken. And when it was all packed and Wesley had come, truck in tow to help Spike load up, they had stared at one another, the sun just starting to lower in the sky.

Buffy suddenly looked down awkwardly at her feet and Spike rubbed nervously at the back of his head. Finally, Spike spoke, breaking the uncomfortable silence. "This is it. I guess I should…"

Before he could finish, Buffy wrapped her arms around him tightly, pressing her face into his chest. "I love you. Never forget that, but I want you to be happy, ok? Do whatever you need to do to heal. Take as much time as you need. I'll be here doing the same, but I'll always, always love you, Spike. You will always be my person. You know that, right?"

Fighting back tears, Spike nodded, pressing his cheek to her head and taking in the scent of her. "Of course, love. You know it's all the same for me. I'll always…I'll never stop loving you. Always here for you too. And I'm sorry. Truly am."

She sniffed loudly and then pulled away, quickly wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand. When they made eye contact again, it was with sad eyes. They nodded at one another, both memorizing the other's every move, every feature. And then he turned and strode out of her life…for how long, she didn't know.

Time to focus on healing herself, from the inside out. It was long past time to heal. After taking a few moments just to breathe, she made the decision. Grabbing her purse from the table, she strode out the door with purpose.

His brother helped him unload the few boxes and bags that Spike had, and with a hug and a mournful look, wished him well. Leaving Spike in solitude, a solitude he both appreciated and loathed. After spending a few moments unpacking a few vitals, he came across a framed picture of him and Buffy on the day of their senior prom.

He allowed himself a moment to break down then and cry for what he had lost. He had tried so hard to be strong for Buffy these last few days, and now, alone, it was finally hitting him what had actually happened. How had life changed so drastically in so little time?

Pulling himself together, Spike wandered into the kitchen, and after a cursory look around, opened the fridge and pulled out a cold beer. Popping the top and ignoring it as it clanged loudly on the hard tiled floors, he made his way to the patio and, with a sigh, sunk down on the first step, looking out at the waves before him.

Beautiful, it was. Stunning, yet he couldn't appreciate it at all, couldn't appreciate a damn thing at the moment. He took a long swallow of his beer and closed his eyes, taking in the sounds of the place. Yeah, he could see getting his mind right here. Before long, his ears picked up the sound of tires crunching along the graveled drive way and he opened his eyes with a groan. Already?

Before he could rile himself up, he heard a door slam and the soft sound of sand beneath feet.

"Spike?"

Turning to face the intruder, Spike brought forth the best smile he could manage, which just happened to be his cocky grin.

"Peaches. What are you here for?"

Angel rolled his eyes and smiled at his friend. "Nice, warm welcome as usual, Captain Peroxide."

"Ehh! I have you know I buy only the best bleach products."

"Yeah, yeah…"

As Angel's words flowed away on the wind, the silence permeated the air. He was close now, only a few feet away from Spike, but neither knew what to say, where to begin. Spike decided he'd take a go at it.

"Look, man, I'm sorry I haven't really…called you in a while."

Angel sighed, "Yeah, haven't called, haven't answered my calls, and I'm pretty sure a couple of times you flat out ignored me when I was knocking at your door."

"About that…"

Angel raised his hands to quiet Spike. "That's not why I'm here. I mean, kind of, but I understand that. I know you were going through some stuff…serious stuff. I just wish you would've let me in, let any of us in. I have it on good authority you've been playing ghost with more than just me, you and Buffy both."

Spike grimaced, but Angel continued. "I'm sorry, Spike. I'm truly sorry about what happened between you and Buffy, to you and Buffy. I'm sorry about it all. I want to help you get back on your feet again, get away from it all."

Spike met Angel's gaze head on, trying to figure out what he was going on about. "What's this about then, mate?"

Angel shoved both of his hands in his jean pockets and mumbled, "We are heading to L.A. next week. I got certified, approved, and start paying rent on this old hotel we were planning on using as our headquarters." With a smile Angel added, "You're looking at the owner of Angel Investigations."

Spike smiled, "Good on you, ol' boy. I knew you and the cheerleader could get it done."

"Yeah, well, we want you with us, Spike. I've seen the way you handle things, the intuition you have. I've watched you more than once doing security at The Bronze. I know you didn't want to move so far…at the time, but maybe you've changed your mind. You don't have to decide anything now, but just know the offer is on the-"

"I'll take it."

Angel's eyes widened, stunned at Spike's sudden words. "You'll take it?"

Spike took another long swallow of his drink, finishing it off and looked Angel square in the eyes. "I'll take it."

Buffy walked the path as if she had it memorized, which, in a way, she did. She walked with purpose, yet slowly, drawing out the motions. She admired the green of the grass, still wet from the earlier day's rain. She took a moment to appreciate the sun as it drifted down to Earth's horizon, casting all sorts of lovely colors through the sky.

Then she was there, finally at her destination. Buffy stood before the grave and read the words on the newly placed stone slowly.

Our Precious Baby

Randy Alexander Giles

Although Lived But A Moment, Loved More Than A Lifetime

She wiped at a tear that had fallen down her cheek, and placed a hand atop the stone. "I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry that I used your death as an excuse to run away from the world, from my friends, our family…your father. What I did to us…I'll never forgive myself."

She paused, taking a moment to collect her emotions. A gentle chuckle emerged from her lips, as she wondered if she looked silly, speaking aloud to no one. Then again, she wasn't speaking to no one. She was speaking with her son. Wherever he was, be it heaven or the ether, she was speaking to his precious baby soul.

"No matter what's happened. No matter what's going to happen. You'll always be my baby, and I will always, always love you. I wish you could've seen the world. I've wished a lot of things these last few months, but I know now that there's nothing that I can do to change what happened. All I can do is love you. And I will, I'll love you for the rest of my life, with my dying breath."

She closed her eyes tightly and imagined that the breeze that grazed her skin softly was the embrace of her son. The image of the tiny, fragile baby at the hospital, who seemed as if he was only in sleep, entered her mind. As it faded, it was replaced by the man that that baby was supposed to become, so confident and smart. His brave words echoed in her ears and for once, she could hear it.

Do not be scared. Whenever you want to hold me, just close your eyes and remember this feeling now. Remember that I love you…and father. Remember that I will watch over you and hear you. I'll see you smile and cry. I'll always be near. Whenever it hurts so bad and you just want to hold me tight, just feel me in your heart, for that is where I will live forever.

Then finally, she saw the curly haired toddler from her dreams, and once more those precious words whispered into her ear, lifting her soul to sour with them on the wind.

I'll make a rainbow just for you, Mommy… When you see it, Mommy, you'll know it's me. It's my rainbow just for you!

She opened her eyes, took a deep breath, and gazed one more time at the resting place of her boy. Blowing a kiss, she turned and found her way back to the car. When she reached it, she opened the door and sank down in the seat, a feeling of peace entering her for the first time in almost a year. As she pulled out, she looked back in her rear view mirror and saw it, clear and lovely through the clouds.

A rainbow.

TBC...

Chapter End Notes:

I know this seems devastating now but remember that this story still has many years to go. The depths of the pain that Spuffy has caused one another is incredibly unhealthy and they need to focus on themselves before worrying about each other, although that could be near impossible. Now that they have reached their rock bottom, they can focus on healing themselves and then hopefully rebuilding what they had.

Right now, they have both reached a turn around point, and things will change very much for the two in the next few chapters. Always remember that this is a Spuffy story and I could never have this story end with anything other than a happy ending. That doesnt mean their lives will be perfect. It will be...incredibly Spuffy-like. Yes, I think they should add that to the dictionary lol.

Dont forget to review! Let me know your thoughts, ideas, and feelings. And as always, I cant wait to hear what you guys have to say. :)