I heard heavy footsteps on the gravel as I organised my books back into my bag, I had yet to see a day when I didn't drop them at all.
I looked up. Edward Cullen.
"Bella I'm really fucking sorry" was all he said and then he stood there with his jaw clenched, kicking at the edge of the lawn with his toe. He glared at me. I didn't know what to do, I racked through my brains - smile? no way. speak? maybe but say what? So I just stood there, looking dumb with my mouth open until he banged the bonnet of my truck and stormed away.
I didn't get this guy. Sorry was vague when it was coming out of his mouth. I couldn't tell what he was apologising for and it was said so angrily it didn't feel like an apology at all. What was the deal, he didn't want to be the fucker who left me in the rain? Well he was - apology or none, he left me in the rain. Okay so I did get out of the car but only because I was humiliated AGAIN, its not like he tried to stop me. He just drove away.
What did he expect? He should never have driven off, he should have got out of the car, ran up to me and held me in the rain - like in all good movies.
But he hadn't. Jacob had.
Classes dragged me through the day, one following the next and yet I could not have told you what I had heard or seen in any of them. My mind felt like a ship in a storm. It battled against my consciense, my common sense, who I thought I had been and what I knew to be true.
Here were the facts:
1) I was allowing Jacob to believe that he and I were something. What that something was remained unclear even to me - I mean I liked the guy, he was hot and totally sweet and I couldn't help but think that if he was a little meaner to me - like Edward was - there was a chance I would like him more. Was that true? If it was then I'm so fucked up. I have to consider giving Jacob a go.
2) I knew I had changed. Not massively, I mean I still hated Woody Allen movies and loved peanut butter cups so much I could happily eat a whole bag. But I was subtley different - to my own self at least. Last month my biggest focus was finding a guy to fuck me. Shedding that virginal robe and jumping naked into the sea of adulthood was my number one priority. Now it was less so, now it wasn't as much about the action as the guy.
Shit, I realised, I wanted the right guy not just any guy. Even if it was only for one hour, one fuck, I wanted it to be Edward - he had made a mark on me, to phrase poetic again it was like he had spoken to my soul that day in the meadow.
Could feelings like that be overruled by the fact that Jacob was here and willing and Edward was not? I would never regret Jacob, I knew that, he was too sweet. But would he regret me? I knew deep down I could really hurt him. I already was. Though hurting him did not seem like a great idea, and I wanted to believe it could work out - told myself he might get bored first - but I knew deep down it wouldn't. Better not continue whatever it was I was doing. I liked Jacob too much to risk having him as an enemy.
I walked out of Ms Tenreys class at 2pm. She didn't even flinch this time and I doubted she'd be so pathetic as to even tell the head. It said more about her than me that her students were so disrespectful. I heard my mothers voice you teach people how to treat you Bella. Funny... did that mean I was teaching Edward I was nothing but a stain on his life? Was I telling him, through my own actions that I was a piece of shit? Because thats how he was treating me.