Standing in a supply closet after school, Bellamy's thigh was pressed against the hip of a girl whose name he couldn't remember. With her skirt around her ankles and his fingers buried inside her, he couldn't exactly ask, but with her hand around him, stroking him faster and faster, he didn't care to either. She was pretty in a plain kind of way, and hot with her head thrown back, her lips slightly parted, letting out tiny gasps. He grunted and moaned his encouragement with every flick of her wrist, and judging by her sounds and the tremble of her body against his, he knew that she was enjoying herself just as much as he was.

Bellamy had grown proficient at being two people.

At home, with Octavia and his mother, he was still the good son, the good brother, the good parent, the good student. In the rest of the Ark, he was getting in fights- away from school, where no one would catch him- and he was taking girl after girl into supply closets and service hatches and empty sections to fool around. When things got too intense at home, letting someone get him off was the quickest way to calm himself down, and it was so easy. Since he'd adopted a dangerous, uncaring façade, the girls all fell at his feet. He was no longer bullied, but envied by the other boys. He'd discovered that, paradoxically, treating girls like queens did nothing to further his sex life. Treating them like he couldn't care less about them though- that was what got them naked. He didn't exactly like that, but he didn't have any time for making them feel special either.

Bellamy still hadn't technically had sex, though he frequently did everything else. He didn't know why he wasn't going over that line, but for some reason he just didn't want to. Maybe it was because he hadn't really met anyone since Everly that made him want that- or at least, he hadn't let himself get to know anyone long enough to have any feelings about them one way or another. He wasn't cruel, but he certainly wasn't looking to get serious.

He knew, now, that a girlfriend was something he could never have. So he'd added it to the long list of things he could never have, and moved on. But there was no way he was going to put this kind of thing on that list. He seemed to need it more and more, and while he could do the trick himself if need be, that was boring, and he always had to worry about being quiet and secretive so Octavia wouldn't overhear or see something. He much preferred someone else to kiss and touch while he was in turn kissed and touched. There was no emotion in the act itself, but he always felt much calmer after it was done.

Now, standing in this supply closet, palm-deep in a girl he really didn't know, he started to feel himself building up to an incredible orgasm, and he knew it was going to be good, that he was going to sleep well after this. He increased the tempo of his hand, wanting to finish her off with him, knowing he didn't have much time before he'd have to get home.

The girl gasped, her face falling against his shoulder, and he heard her moan softly as her body shook against his. He buried his own face in her hair, but she had way too much product in it and smelled disgusting. So he just turned his head, focusing on the feeling of her hand around him, the rhythmic stroking, and he felt himself crash over the edge, releasing into her hand. He kept his fingers going and it only took a few more thrusts before she collapsed against him, whimpering.

Bellamy pulled his hand back and wiped it on the hem of his shirt, then tucked himself back into his pants. The girl blushed and glanced away, taking a tissue from her back pocket and wiping her own hand off, looking embarrassed. This was always the part Bellamy hated- the after, the weird small talk, the awkwardness.

"That was nice," he assured her. "Thanks."

"Thanks?" she repeated, frowning at him.

He resisted the urge to sigh, and instead kissed her, which made her smile again. "I've got to go home… I'll see you around." He turned for the door.

"Wait, um- do you want to hang out tomorrow after school?"

Bellamy stopped and looked at her, forcing a smile and then shaking his head. "No, I'm busy."

"Okay, what about the day after?"

"I'm actually, like, really busy," he told her. "I'm studying for the cadet entrance exam." It was true, but it was also true he'd been studying since he was ten years old. "I have to go."

"Okay," she said quietly, and then he left her there, hurrying through the corridors back to his quarters.

As always, Octavia was waiting for him. But the ten minutes or so he was late was worth it- now he could focus totally on his sister, and not be complicated and troubled by sexual thoughts while he was playing with her, or doing his homework with her pressed into his lap.

It wasn't that he thought about her that way- but his hormones were out of control, and without regular satisfaction, his feelings and urges would creep into every facet of his life. Octavia's lack of any boundaries whatsoever made that more likely to end awkwardly. This way, he kept his two worlds totally separate.

Maybe the girls he picked up suffered some hurt feelings, but so what? He was doing this for Octavia, just like he did everything else in the world for her. And he never misled those girls into thinking he was looking for anything more than those few minutes of pleasure.

No, his heart belonged only to this one girl, with her impish grin and wise blue eyes- he'd been stupid to ever try to give it to someone else.

"Why are you so quiet?" Octavia demanded, nudging him.

"Thinking about math," he lied, tapping the tablet in front of them. "Do you know the answer to number sixteen?"

She grabbed the tablet and frowned down at the screen. He watched her, the way her mind worked, feeling a rush of pride and love- she was so smart, doing his homework with him all these years, very nearly keeping up with him even as she did things the schools considered her six years too young for.

Octavia pulled up the calculator, pressing a few buttons. "Is it… thirty-six over eighty-five?" she asked, showing him the screen.

Bellamy swapped screens to check the answer and shook his head, laughing softly. "You're better at trig than I am."

She beamed and shrugged. "I like triangles."

He shut off the tablet and said, "Well I don't, and I'm bored. Let's do something else."

"Okay, what?"

That was the question. Most of her toys had lost her interest after years of play, and though she still enjoyed pony rides, he had to catch her in the right mood or she would glower at him and stomp her foot, telling him she was too old for it. He sensed that was the precise reaction he'd get if he suggested it now.

"We could play a board game?" he suggested. They had a couple, ones with most of their pieces. Their mother liked them because they were quiet.

"Those are boring," Octavia complained.

"Well, I don't know then O, there really isn't that much to do in here," he told her, letting out a long breath.

She glowered at the floor and said quietly, "Yeah, I know."

He hadn't meant to say that, hadn't meant to make her feel bad, or remind her of how unfair this all was. And it was unfair.

"Okay then, how about a story?" he asked her. "I'll tell you a story about all the fun things we'll do when I'm a guard and you have your own room."

He saw a tear splash down on the metal table and his heart sank. Softly his sister said, "Bell. That's never going to happen."

"Hey," he protested, getting out of his chair and crouching down in front of her, looking into her eyes. Her bangs were getting long, spilling into her eyes. "It is going to happen," he insisted. "I take the entrance exam in a few months, remember? We're closer than ever." When she said nothing, just kept glaring at the floor, he reached up and curled his fingers into her armpits to tickle her.

She giggled, then twisted away from him, her expression angry. "That's not fair, Bell, don't make me laugh when I'm not happy."

He let out a sigh and got to his feet. She was annoying him- her mood swings, her melancholy. It was contagious and made him feel helpless.

Grabbing his mother's scissors, he took her by the hand and sat her down in the chair. "I don't know how you can even see," he complained, holding her bangs between his fingers to judge its length.

"See what?" she muttered. "There's nothing to see. Just the same old boring stuff I've seen every day since forever."

Bellamy drew in a long breath and let it out slowly, trying to maintain his patience. He took the scissors and made four careful slices across her fringe- it wasn't quite as even as his mother's haircuts, but it did the trick. At least now she wouldn't have hair stabbing her in the eyes all the time.

"You're welcome," he said, putting the scissors away.

Very quietly she whispered, "Screw you."

He felt a swell of anger and shock- where did she even learn that phrase?- and before he even knew what he was doing he was whirling around on her and snapping, "Are you kidding me right now? Seriously?"

Octavia looked up at him like she deeply regretted those words and wanted to take them back. "Bell-"

"Whatever," he interrupted, stalking towards the door. "I'm going for a walk."

"No!" Octavia cried, jumping to her feet and going after him. She grabbed at him but he pushed her away roughly, too irritated to indulge her right now.

"I'm going for a walk," he said again. "Do our homework, I'll be back later."

"No." Her lip trembled and she grabbed his arm again, clinging to him. "Please don't leave me alone, Bell. Please."

He hesitated, but he was too angry. He couldn't just calm down standing in one place- he had to walk, burn off some energy. Couldn't she understand that?

Of course she couldn't, he realised. She'd never had the opportunity to do the same.

"Just… do our homework. I won't be gone long." He grabbed the door handle and pulled.

"I'll run after you," Octavia said suddenly from behind him, her voice like ice.

Bellamy stopped in his tracks and looked back to her. She was standing just on the edge of the step of their upper floor, her fists clenched, her eyes like blue electricity snapping at him.

Aurora had recently told him that Octavia would be testing boundaries soon, and that he had to be careful. But he'd had no idea she meant this.

He didn't know what to do, so he tried to talk her down. "Are you crazy?"

"Maybe," she answered, still angry. "Don't go."

"So what, you're going to guilt me into hanging out with you?" he demanded.

Octavia swallowed and he knew she wanted to cry, but her fists just clenched harder and she said, "I guess so."

Bellamy watched her for a moment, narrowing his eyes. "You won't do it," he said finally. "You're bluffing."

He walked through the door. Octavia hopped off the step and stalked to the doorway. She put her hand up and caught the door before he could close it.

They stared at each other. For a moment, he believed she would walk out into the hallway, and he had no idea what to do. He realised that the barrier that kept her in- it wasn't a barrier at all. She could choose to ignore it anytime she wanted. Maybe she'd make that choice today.

But then, as quickly as her bravery had flared she lost it, and she let go of the door, stepping back. "Just go," she whispered, the tears starting down her cheeks as she looked away from him.

He left her there, crying and alone, something he'd never done before. It was like a demon was chasing him from that room- he couldn't stay there anymore.

Intending to just walk around the station to calm himself down, he chose an arbitrary direction and just walked, fast and with purpose, feeling anger boiling up inside him- at Octavia, at her life, at his life, but mostly at himself, for failing her, abandoning her. With that anger came a rush of shame and guilt, and helplessness at not knowing how to make this right.

"Hi," someone said from next to him and he started, looked up, not recognising the voice at first. It was Kaitlin, his neighbour, a girl he'd gone to school with for years- and one he'd taken into the supply closet only a week ago. She was standing in the doorway of her quarters, looking quizzically at him.

"Hey," he said to her, forcing a smile, trying to look like everything was normal.

But she seemed to pick up on something and asked him cautiously, "Bellamy… are you okay?"

He started to nod, but then he found he didn't want to lie, so he just shrugged. Kaitlin's face softened and she invited him into her quarters. As she led him inside and closed the door she said, "My parents are gone until late and I'm pretty bored. We could talk."

They didn't talk. As soon as they were inside he pulled her close, covering her mouth with his, kissing her deeply. He felt her arms wrap around him and her tongue snake into his mouth, and then they were pulling off each other's clothes. He didn't even bother going to her room, he just nudged her down onto the couch and watched as she opened her legs to him. With a deep moan he sank into her as her legs wrapped around him. He could hardly believe the incredible feeling of wetness and warmth that contained him, better than any hand or mouth. In that moment, he couldn't remember why he'd wanted to wait. He thrust into her again and again until he lay spent and exhausted on top of her, but he didn't let himself sleep.

Instead, he rolled off of Kaitlin, pulled his clothes back on, and went home to make things right with his sister.