25 - Pay no attention to the men behind the curtain

No. I'm not dead. But I damned well wish I was.

Everything after I killed Aggie was a horrible blur. I remember shoring myself up for a staking and then I remember Alex laying her hands on me, and the world moving. It made my ears pop, like travelling in an elevator up a thousand floors in a second. I landed in a cellar, sans shoes, sans dignity, but in procession of whatever life I could still call my own.

"Why?" I asked before Alex popped away again.

She shrugged, "Dinnae ask me, 'babes', it's Tom's idea no' mine. If it was up te me you'd be dust." Then she was gone.

I am not sure what hour clarity returned, but it did and that was when the panic and the pains set in. I had had a taste now, and all I wanted was more. But I wanted to know whether Hal was alright, too. I railed at the door, the walls, the ceiling, until I was hoarse. At some point Alex returned and told me to shut up or Hal would realise I still here.

"He thinks I'm…"

"Hoover food, yeah," she said with pride.

"How?"

"Emptied the shit from the vacuum all over the place and got you away from Hal. It was totally cathartic. I must admit, it's one o'Tom's better plans."

"Why? Why not just stake me?"

"Tom thinks you're a lot nicer than you actually are! Even though I told him everything you did! But since I also told him you kill vampires and that's what you came te do, I think, I dunno, that you're, like, a kindred spirit or some shit. He thinks you can be 'good' too. Fuck it, sometimes I think he's like the worst judge of character but whatever."

"But Hal?"

"Oh-ho-ho. Dinnae think for one second love that you're getting' ne'where near that whole…fuckscapade. We were makin' progress, but you had te turn up an mess tha' right up! He drank one cup o' my blood and it took us a month to claw him down from the ceiling, whattefuck do you think he's like now, eh!" She wound her finger around her ear, "Batshit doesnae cover it."

"I'll scream. He'll know," I threatened, "You can't keep me down here forever."

"What? Is this too cramped for ye? Try getting lodged in a toaster!"

"You don't understand! I had to do that. It was important."

"Aye, well that's as maybe, but so is Hal, to us. So make yoursel' comfortable, keep quiet and maybe, just maybe, I won't dust you while you sleep."

"I can't sleep! Do you have any fucking idea what these cravings are like, babes?"

"I watched the guy I took on a te date lick my maggoty blood off a basement floor, so, yeah, trust me, I TOTALLY get it."

"Hal was going to help me."

"Don't make me laugh, Hal cannae help himself love, let alone you. We both know how that would end, and I … look I've lost a lot recently, not least of all my fuckin' body, and I wouldnae tell him to Hal's face, but if it weren't for those two blokes I'd be a complete mess. So I couldnae cope if I saw them fall apart, and that's what would happen if you stuck around. He's such a sweet guy, Hal, I've seen it, and I don' want te see that get lost in the shitstorm you seem te create, because it will destroy Tom too, and that's ne' fair either. No, so we'll sort you out, for Hal's sake, and then you can be on your merry."

"I can't see him?"

"That's the deal, take it o' leave it. Now de'ye want some o' this to help you sleep?" she grinned and produced the needle and ketamine which I had kept in my bag.

"You went through my stuff!" I bristled, "I did say I didn't like people touching my stuff!"

"Hey, you're dead, you don't get a say. Nice Jag by the way! I am totally test driving that baby!"

I launched at her, but this time she was prepared. I caught the needle in my shoulder and in a few moments I was out like a well fed baby.

The next thing I saw was the inside of a van. It was dark, with the doors closed, and ice cold. As my eyes became accustomed to the dark I worked out that this was one of Daddy's vans, I could tell from the signs pinned to the wall with the company logo on. Daddy's vehicles had trackers on them, someone would find me eventually, I just had to wait it out.

I surmised that Alex must have moved me in the night. They had put my old handcuffs to good use, meaning that I wasn't getting out of here in a hurry. This was how it was going to work then, detoxing in the back of a van.

Glamourous, Linny, glamourous.

I could have been at the Strand drinking birthday cocktails with crowds of people, and here I was smelling of two day old clothes, stale blood and basement. Now was one of those moments I found myself somewhat doubted my life choices.

After a few hours calling out and pointlessly trying to wriggle myself free I was paid another visit. Tom opened up the doors at the back of the van and lumped inside. He didn't come too close. I tried to pull it together, tried the 'damsel in distress' act but he wasn't buying it.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry n' all," he said, "But it's for the best, like."

"Please, Tom, I'm begging you, you can't keep me here?"

"I know, but no one's gunna 'ear you aat 'ere so you can get it aat your system, like."

"The blood you mean?"

"Yeah. So listen, your Dad…"

"What about him?"

"The papers say he weren't a very nice man were 'e?"

"No, Tom, he wasn't, but that doesn't mean he deserved to die. Neither did my friend."

"You're not just sayin' that?"

"No, Tom. I'm not. I'm a monster, I get that now. Being a vampire is not like an addiction, something you can get over, it's a curse. It's heinous and so am I. I really wish you had staked me."

"But Hal, he can do it can't 'e?" he looked at me with such hope, it was sad.

"I want that to be true, but ultimately I understand so much more now. Truth is, the only good vampire Tom, is a dead one," I said.

"Aye, well, that's what McNair said n'all. But maybe I plan to prove you both wrong, eh?"

"I hope, for Hal's sake, that you're right."

He left. I was on my own again. The night came and went. In my dreams I saw Aggie, my father, they would haunt me forever now, as those whom Hal had killed must have haunted him. I screamed at them to leave me be, but they wouldn't.

What felt like days passed. I think at one point I spent hours trying to break my thumbs to free myself but I couldn't get enough purchase. I screamed till my throat was raw and even tried to stove my head in to stop the pains and the nightmares, but even unconsciousness didn't help. I'm ashamed to admit it but there was an awful lot of crying too.

I'm not sure how much time passed, it felt like forever, but I was eventually woken from my nightmares by a bright light. Realising that someone had opened the truck door, I squinted in the sunlight. A silhouette approached.

"Tom?" I croaked, "Alex?"

No, I realised there was not just one silhouette. There were many. Half a dozen at least. Once he was near enough I saw that the man at the head of the crowd was blonde. He wore a smart grey suit and had a gentle smile that, frankly, terrified me.

"Hello Miss Weaver," he said, "We've been looking for you everywhere."

"Who…who are you?"

"That question is academic, Miss Weaver. Gentlemen, we have a Lady on our hands, so, Premium Service if you will. Containment and situation control is the order of the day for now. Shall we say two minutes to clear up this mess?"

My mouth dried in horror as they came for me. I tried to fight them off, but I knew it was a lost battle pretty quickly.

I'm not sure what drug they gave me but when they rolled my in front of my Mummy, and told her I was dead, I was conscious. I had to listen to her weep over me in desperation, grasping at a cold hand that wanted to cling back. Her prayers burned.

She told me how she thinks that she had failed, how she wished she was there for me. I wanted to tell her how badly that wasn't the case, because here she was, my Mummy, in one piece. Here she was out in the world, free, telling me how much better she was, how she was going to start again, without my father and how she wished I could be there with her. She wished, she said, that I could enjoy it by her side. She wasn't to know that I never could have. It wasn't safe, not given what I was. If they hadn't dosed me I knew I would have probably killed her...my Mummy.

I did it Mummy, I did something, look you're okay!

When they took me away from her it seemed an empty victory. I wanted to cry but I could not.

If the girls at Cheltenham Ladies college could see me now, I joke to myself in the dark.

I had been 'tidied away'. Locked in my body, terrified, untrusting of everyone around me, and trying to best the agony of the hunger within, but all I wanted to be was back in that hideous B&B, with Hal, surviving this together. Being better for each others' sake. Was I dreaming that future possible? Perhaps it never would have been likely.

But No, I suppose that I don't deserve that, even if it could be true. Then again, even in my darker moments I don't think I deserve this either.

I'm not dead, but I wish I was, because Hell, whatever it is, can't be as bad as this.

I don't know where I am now. They won't stake me. Goodness knows why! There must be a reason, I tell myself, this can't be it, can it?

I feel like I've been filed away where I can't do anyone any harm, somewhere where I wait for whatever comes first, madness or death.

I cling onto hope that Hal makes it for both of us and that, whoever these people are, they never find out where he is.

Do you know what the worst thing about this is? I can't get fucking Sonny & Cher out my head! Back to step 1, I suppose...

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction -

that our lives had become unmanageable

"BELINDA'S ALIVE!"

"Aye, we thought it were best if yer thought she was gone, like," said Tom, shuffling from foot to foot sheepishly.

"Tom! How could you possibly think that was a good idea!"

"Well, she did make you kinda barmy for a few days!" Alex explained.

"THAT WAS YOU! I WAS FINE! WHERE IS SHE! LET ME OUT NOW!"

"I don' know. Calm down. Look, we locked her in the back of her Dad's van and drove it inte the woods, so she could detox. She must've got free, driven it off. And don't try that yet, Hal, you and I both know you're no' better yet."

"Let me go this fucking instant!" I railed.

It would do no good. I couldn't persuade them the old fashioned way. I had to do this properly. I would have to survive it now, the fight for the better part of me, and build the trust of Alex and Tom again. I would have to stay good, and master the monster, because finally I had something to get better for.

Not just Alex, not just Tom, not just me, but Belinda was out there, somewhere, and I had a horrible feeling she needed help.

Finally I had my something bigger, my something worthwhile, my something to fight for.

Hope.

"That's all folks!"

Thanks for coming along for the ride.

Please leave a review if you've made it to the end,

I'd love to know your thoughts :D

Spon x

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