Episode
25: S.I.3
Part
2: "The Final Confrontation"
/
"Japan"
"Yokosuka"
"Hazuki
Residence.1968"
Iwao: Take a deep breath. You can make it through these consaptions.
:Ryo's
mother, Kiyoko, was pregnant by nine months:
:She
had her legs spread wide open, hoping to be cared to by her good,
loving husband, Iwao:
Kiyoko:
Their called Contraptions.
Iwao:
I'm not the one with the baby here.
Kiyoko:
But you can start being a good Father!
Iwao:
Once I see a healthy baby pop out of you, that's when I'll start
being a Father. It's hard enough being a husband.
:Kiyoko moans:
Kiyoko:
Uhhhhmmm!! (taking fast, short breaths) Honey… the baby's coming.
Quick, put your hand on my sacred area!
Iwao:
Ew. No.
Kiyoko:
Do it!
Iwao:
What in the hell? I need a drink.
:Iwao
picks up the phone:
:The
bartender at MJQ Jazz Bar answers:
Iwao:
(on the phone) What drinks are on sale tonight?
Bartender:
Hypnotic and Hennessey mixed. Stirred and served in a small glass.
Iwao:
I'll be there.
"MJQ Jazz Bar"
:Iwao
has a seat at the bar:
:Iwao
eases himself with a few drinks:
Bartender
Yoshifumi: How's the bride?
Iwao:
Pregnant.
Yoshifumi:
Excited?
Iwao:
Let me have a few more drinks and I'll get back to you.
Yoshifumi:
That bad, huh?
Iwao:
It's been ten years since I've had a drink.
Yoshifumi:
College?
Iwao:
Army. Never went to College.
:A
slim girl sits down next to Iwao:
:She
had brown hair in a pony tail, black shirt, a skirt down to her
knees, and glasses:
:She
had all of the right signs saying she wasn't looking for a date
tonight:
:Iwao
gained some confidence from the alcoholic substances:
:He
takes off his wedding ring and slips it in his pocket:
Iwao:
How's it going beautiful?
Bar
Girl: It's going.
Iwao:
I have five belts, all equivalent to a good beating.
Bar
Girl: Pardon me?
Iwao:
Oh, hah , I meant Martial Arts Belts.
Bar
Girl: Ohhhhh. Nice. I could use you around the house.
:Iwao smiles:
Iwao: Let me buy you a drink.
"Hotel
down the Street"
"Room"
:Iwao gets pinned up against the wall by the bar girl:
Iwao: Your strong!
:The
bar girl starts making out with him:
:Iwao
tries to keep up with the girl, but her inner freak was more powerful
than his:
:The
bar girl goes for his zipper:
Iwao:
(pushing the girl back) Stop. Stop.
Bar
Girl: What's wrong?
Iwao:
Hate to break it to you, but….but I'm married. I can't do this.
Bar
Girl: Bummer. I understand.
:Iwao looks at his watch:
Iwao: (getting sentimental) I have a kid to deliver. He needs to be more stronger and braver then I ever was. He can't make the same mistakes I did, but he can make new ones. I'm leaving now…
(Ryo's Notebook)
Found a letter from a Villager in Bailu Village.
The letter has a map to the Chiyoumen's Mansion.
Must find the mansion!
END OF ENTRY #10
"China.1989."
"Shenhua's
House"
Shenhua:
Your going after Lan Di now?
Ryo-san:
Yes.
:Shenhua takes out her journal and writes an entry:
Ryo-san:
You have a journal too?
Shenhua:
Yes. I figured I could keep track of thing's easier if I had one.
Ryo-san:
That's great Shenhua!
Shenhua:
I was in Bailu Village the other day and a man so happened to see me
as I was writing an entry. He so happened to be a Publicist. He took
a look at my previous entry's and said I had a very fascinating
life and that he'd be willing to help me make it into a book. I
could sell millions.
Ryo-san:
(jealous) That's cool.
Shenhua:
You think I have what it takes?
Ryo-san:
I don't think you could make an interesting book of your walks
through the woods.
Shenhua:
There's a lot I haven't told you Ryo.
:Gui Zhang walks in:
Gui Zhang: Ready?
:Ryo
nods:
:Shenhua
pulls out a long box from underneath her bed:
:She
hands the box to Ryo:
Shenhua: Don't open it yet. When the time is right, you'll know what to do.
:Ryo
and Gui Zhang walk off:
:Shenhua
takes a few scrap pieces of paper and begins to write her book:
:The
book was titled "A life in Guilin. By: Shenhua Ling":
"Heaven"
"God's
Room"
:Iwao
makes God's bed:
:God
walks in:
God:
God your slow!
Iwao:
Listen God, my son is about to go after Lan Di. Can you spare me a
few hours?
God:
You should of thought of that before I caught you spraying graffiti
on the golden road.
Iwao:
Jesus made me!
God:
Yeah yeah. I'm going to watch some tv. Make my bed good then start
dusting my furniture. I have a hard job, you know?
:God
shuts the door and walks into his entertainment room:
:Angels
were inside resting on sofa's and lazy boys with a bowl of popcorn,
cheering to Ryo's adventure on Earth Tv On Demand:
:God
slips on his hat that said "Rock Out With Your Cock Out!":
God:
(cheering and joining the angels) Ok, so who's for Lan Di and who's
for Ryo?!
Angels:
It's all up to you God.
God:
What did I say? I'm letting nature take it's course with this
one. I can't ever enjoy anything on Earth Tv without deciding who's
going to die. Let's make this entertaining for once!
"China"
"Hong
Kong"
"Outside
of Lan Di's Mansion"
Gui
Zhang: Hazuki…
Ryo-san:
(not taking his eye's off the mansion) Yeah?
Gui
Zhang: Whatever happens, it was an honor being your partner.
Ryo-san:
Likewise.
"Lan
Di's Mansion"
"Lan
Di's Office"
Niao-san: Thank you for taking care of little Chin while I go to work.
:Niao
had motherly clothes:
:Her
hair was cut short:
:She
carried a baby bag strapped over her shoulder:
:She
was more down to earth now:
Lan
Di: Don't mention it. Would you ever consider joining the Chiyoumen
again?
Niao-san:
I've thought about it but every time I look into my baby boy's
eyes, something inside my heart melts. Sorry Lan Di, but I gave up my
swords a long time ago.
:Niao
sets up Chin's Big Boy seat next to Lan Di's desk:
:Chin
had just turned two:
Niao-san:
Listen, I'm sorry for leaving the Chiyoumen. I'm sure the
organization is doing much better now that I'm gone.
Lan
Di: (turning up the music in his headphones) I'm sorry. What did
you say?
Niao-san:
Never mind. I'll be back in a few hours.
:She
walks out, slamming the door behind her:
:Lan
Di and Chin sit quietly:
Lan
Di: You want to see what a man with power can do?
Chin:
Yes.
:Lan Di pushes the red button on his intercom:
Lan Di: (into the intercom) Get your lazy asses in here!
:Not even a minute later, Lan Di's three guards rush into the room:
Lan
Di: Shame. Shame. You were quicker last time.
Guards:
We're so sorry Lan Di Sama.
Lan
Di: Right. Uhhmm… I came into my office this afternoon and there
was no lunch on my desk.
Guard
#1: I thought the rule was we make the lunch and you pick it up?
Lan
Di: The NEW rule is to have it on my desk every afternoon PRONTO!
Guard
#2: Yes sir!
:The guards rush for the food:
Lan Di: (winking at Chin) Like that. Huh?
"Kitchen"
:The three guards run in:
Guard #3: Move dumbfuck!
:Guard #3 pushes the Chef out the way:
Guard
#2: Oh dear God, his food has gotten cold.
Guard
#3: We have to make another meal!
:The
guards start taking out random food materials like tomatoes, onions,
roast beef, and chicken:
:Guard
#1 sets the stove heat to high and takes out a large pot:
:Guard
#2 fills the pot with water and sets it on the stove:
Guard
#1: What are we going to make Master?
Guard
#3: It's too late to think. Start dumping in random things!
:The guards throw in all of the ingredients at the same time:
Guard
#2: What if Lan Di Sama gets sick?
Guard
#3: Good. No more orders if he dies, right?
Guard
#1: Sounds like a plan! We'll throw in some onion chunks.
:Lan Di walks in with a list in his hands:
Lan Di: What in the Devil!
:The guards turn around and gulp:
Guard
#2: M-Master. So good to see you.
Lan
Di: (holding up the list in his hands) Our kill count isn't that
impressive, our shipments aren't coming in the way I'd like them
to, and the top leaders of the Chiyoumen are quitting on me. Seems
like we have a problem.
Guard
#1: Honestly Master, I believe the Chiyoumen is falling. The end to
our organization is abroad.
Lan
Di: There's only one solution…
:Lan Di takes out an Ak-47:
Lan
Di: We start massacring our own men. Guns for each one of you!
Guard
#3: Have you lost your mind?
Lan
Di: (clicking in his rifle ammo) I'll take the bedrooms. We'll
start with the maids then work our way up to the lower class
Chiyoumen members.
"Lan Di's Office"
:Ryo and Gui Zhang walk in with their fists held high:
Ryo-san:
Gui Zhang, see anything?
Gui
Zhang: Nothing. All we've seen so far are a bunch of easily
disposable handymen. Where's the big boss at?!
:Lan
Di was heard down the hallway, heading for his office, humming the
Shenmue theme song:
:Ryo
and Gui Zhang wait on both sides of the door:
:Lan
Di walks in, shuts his door, and starts getting undressed in the
middle of his office:
:He
cuts a fart and smiles:
:Ryo
and Gui Zhang wrinkle their noses:
:Lan
Di starts practicing different forms of the Tiger Swallow Style in
his Haynes underpants:
Ryo-san: Lan Di!
:Lan Di turns around and covers his "area":
Lan Di: (blushing) Oh dear.
:Lan
Di quickly puts on his robe:
:Ryo
holds his fists up and walks towards him:
Ryo-san:
Remember me?
Lan
Di: I never got your name.
Ryo-san:
Hazuki.
Lan
Di: What did you do to Master Baihu?! All he says is that name. He's
had three divorces because he screams "Hazuki!" during sex. How
could you be so heartless?!
Ryo-san:
No time for talk. Now you die. Any last words?
Lan
Di: I have a few. How long do we have?
Ryo-san:
Jesus Lan Di, go ahead.
Lan
Di: First, I'd like to thank the Academy. It's been fun. I
wouldn't of been able to of done it without my guards, and my Dad
Chingy, my grandma wingy, and my son…
Ryo-san:
……
Lan
Di: …. That I wish I had.
Ryo-san:
That it?
Lan
Di: Don't you have any last words?
Ryo-san:
No! Because I'm going to win!
Lan
Di: How greedy are you? At least you can tell them to me. Sort of a
goodbye kind of thing.
Ryo-san:
Ok. I really enjoyed hunting you down so I could kill you. Happy?
Gui
Zhang: Kill his ass already Hazuki!
:Ryo runs in for a punch:
"Outside of Lan Di Mansion"
:A
silver car pulls up to the mansion:
:Lan
Di's three guards look out the window:
Guard #3: Oh no. The Chiyoumen leader is here…
"Lan
Di's Mansion"
"Lan
Di's Office"
Gui Zhang: Hazuki! No!
:Ryo
crawls on the floor:
:Blood
drips from his nose:
:Both
of his eye's were black and his left wrist was sprained:
Lan
Di: Your pitiful.
Ryo-san:
T-T-Too powerful.
:Lan
Di stands overtop of Ryo:
:It
looked like he was going to perform the final blow:
Lan Di: And now… Hazuki….
:Ryo looks up at Lan Di, enjoying his final grasps of air:
Lan Di: …. I am going to take a shit on your face.
"Downstairs"
:The
doorbell rings:
:The
guards answer:
:Tentei,
the Chiyoumen's leader, stands outside:
Tentei:
Where is Lan Di?
Guard
#1: Have any of you heard that name?
:Guard #1 looks over at #2 and #3:
Guard
#2: Nope.
Guard
#3: Sure haven't.
Guard
#1: (looking back at Tentei) Sorry. You must be lost.
Tentei:
I smell something fishy.
Guard
#1: Grandpa is really sick. We're here taking care of him.
Tentei:
I could of sworn this was the right mansion.
Guard
#2: Hey it happens man. Nothing to feel bad about.
:Tentei takes out the yellow book and starts to read:
Tentei:
Hmmm…
Guard
#1: Well, good luck.
Tentei:
Wait. I'm still coming in.
:Tentei
invites himself in:
:Everyone
in the mansion was acting normal, occasionally glancing over at
Tentei then immediately going back to what they were doing:
Tentei:
Hmmm…
Guard
#3: I should go check on grandpa.
Guard
#2: Good idea.
:Guard
#3 walks into the other room:
:He
spots a few members of the Chiyoumen wheeling around a whiteboard
with a big operation on it:
:Guard
#3 quickly directs them into another room:
"Lan Di's Office"
:Gui
Zhang was on the floor next to Ryo, incapacitated:
:Guard
#3 runs in:
Guard
#3: Master, Tentei is here! He's very angry. He must be mad at the
how bad we've been doing lately. We have to get out of here!
Lan
Di: Hmmm… this isn't good. Did you use the grandpa excuse?
Guard
#3: It's all covered.
Lan
Di: Perfect.
:Lan Di looks down at Ryo and Gui Zhang:
Lan
Di: You two. Mind helping a little? If this man finds us, he'll
kill us all. Even if you two aren't members. I need your help.
Ryo-san:
What makes you think I'll help you? You killed my Father!
Lan
Di: I'm sorry. I had too. Your Father killed my Father.
Ryo-san:
That's no excuse.
Lan
Di: Than what's your excuse?
Ryo-san:
……….
Gui
Zhang: He does have a point.
Ryo-san:
Shut up Gui Zhang!
Lan
Di: Hurry! I have a secret door behind my desk. We don't have long.
:Lan
Di, Gui Zhang, and Ryo escape through the hidden door:
:Guards
#1 and #2 run into the room:
Guard
#1: What are we going to do?! We can't hold Tentei off for long!
Guard
#3: I'll tell you what to do gentlemen, have you ever been to the
Bahamas?
Guard
#1 and #2: No.
:Guard #3 holds up three cruise tickets:
Guard
#3: Let's get out of here. Leave this life. We've been slaves far
too long.
Guard
#2: Let's do it!
:The three of them start to pack their things:
"Underneath
the Mansion"
"Secret
Underground Parking Lot"
:Lan Di gets into the Black Car:
Ryo-san:
This thing is a piece of shit. When I first saw it, it was very shiny
and presentable. I even shopped around for it in some catalogs for
prom.
Lan
Di: Many crazy nights. Plus, the mileage far exceeds it's limit.
I'm long overdue for an inspection.
Gui
Zhang: Hmmm…
Lan
Di: Get in!
:Ryo
gets into the passenger seat and Gui Zhang gets into the backseat:
:The
song "Girl's Just Wanna Have Fun" plays in Lan Di's cd
player:
Lan Di: Umm… hehe… good song.
:Ryo
opens Lan Di's glove box and numerous cd's fall out on the
floor:
:Cd's
from singers such as: Madonna, Rick Springfield, and Cyndi Lauper.
All various hit singers from the 80's:
Lan
Di: You HAVE to like Madonna! Did you hear her last release? It was a
powerful piece of music.
Ryo-san:
Can we go now?
Lan
Di: Who's driving?
Ryo-san:
I thought you were.
Lan
Di: Me? Of course not. I never drive. I don't even know how to.
Ryo-san:
I'll drive then.
:Lan Di and Ryo switch places:
"Lan Di's Office"
:Tentei
walks in:
:He
was furious:
:He
tasted himself a piece of grandma's home cooked Lan Di pie:
:Guard
#1 sat at Lan Di's desk:
:His
feet were prompt up on the desk:
:He
had a blunt in his mouth and a shotgun pointed at Tentei:
Guard
#1: Why hello.
Tentei:
What's going on?! Where's Lan Di?!
Guard
#1: He aint here anymore.
Tentei:
What do you want?
Guard
#1: Good question. That's hard to say, really. I've been thinking
a lot lately. We all have.
:Guard
#2 walks from the side with a handgun pointed at Tentei:
:Guard
#3 walks from the side doing the same:
Guard #1: What's the point in this business. You tough men walking around thinking you can knock off a limb or two here and there? Catch my drift?
:Guard #1 stands up and walks over to Tentei:
Guard
#1: You read the bible Tentei?
Tentei:
Which God?
Guard
#1: The Jesus one.
Tentei:
(embarrassed) Sometimes.
Guard
#1: Ezekiel 26:17. The path of the righteous man is beset on all
sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.
Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds
the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his
brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike
down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who
attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the
Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.
:Guard
#1, 2, and 3 fire their weapons at Tentei:
:Tentei
flies backwards, dead:
Guard
#2: That was awesome!
Guard
#1: (blowing the smoke from his shotgun) Yes… it was.
Guard
#3: Something tells me we'll be seeing that in a future movie….
"Countryside of China"
:Ryo
drives down a road in the middle of nowhere:
:There
were vast fields all around him:
Lan
Di: You take this road all the way to the end then make a right turn.
Ryo-san:
Where are you taking us?
Gui
Zhang: Hazuki can you please pull over? I don't want to use the
public bathrooms. Do you know what happens in them?
Lan
Di: Your taking me home.
Ryo-san:
Home? Like Mother and Father home?
Lan
Di: Mother and Stepfather.
Ryo-san:
Oh right.
"Ranch
in middle of Field"
"Lan
Di's Home"
:Ryo
drives forever down a mile long driveway:
:He
reaches the ranch home and parks the car:
Lan
Di: I didn't want my henchman to see me do this.
Ryo-san:
Why are you getting so dramatic over this?
Lan
Di: I haven't seen my Mother in over twenty years. I got in a huge
argument with my Stepfather, broke his leg, and ran off.
:A group of pigs walk by the front of the car:
Lan
Di: (pointing at a specific pig) I had my favorite pig, Oinky.
Stepfather would wake up bright and early. I'd hear him clipping on
his trousers. He'd eat a quick breakfast, then run out to the mill
before the sun floated up. I woke up to the sound of Oinky, my
favorite pig. Oinky and I had adventures together. We ate together,
he showered together, and we slept together. We had a bond. So
beautiful. Anyways, I could go on forever about Oinky. He kind of
made me who I am today…
Ryo-san:
A pig?
Lan
Di: No. An ass sniffer…
Gui
Zhang: Like forreal forreal?
Lan
Di: I've sniffed people's asses all of my life. How do you think
I got to my Chiyoumen position?
Gui
Zhang: You sniffed an ass?
Lan
Di: Uhmm anyways, back to my story. One day on the lonely ranch felt
so different. I woke up and Stepfather had awoken a little early. He
was already outside, chopping wood and fetching water. I didn't
hear Oinky that morning.
Gui
Zhang: Hazuki, give me some tissues.
Ryo-san:
What?
Gui
Zhang: Give me some goddamn tissues quick!
Lan
Di: I walked alongside our long brittle black fence all the way to
the Butcher's Shed. I found Oinky in there… gutted. It was the
end to a great friendship. I cried forever, under the beating sun.
And since then, I never forgave Stepfather…
:Gui Zhang was balling his eye's out in a stack of tissues:
Gui Zhang: Why did it have to be OINKY!!
:Lan
Di's mother walks out of the house:
:Lan
Di gets out of the car, bending down to say his last words to Ryo:
Ryo-san:
Guess we're even. You made this whole thing so damn sad I'd hate
to kill you.
Lan
Di: Bitch please. You know I'd still kick your ass.
Ryo-san:
Take care.
Lan
Di: Thank you. Now I might actually be able to milk a cow with
Stepfather. I can feel those tight leather trousers run up my ass
crack once more.
:Lan Di takes a big sniff out the country sides fresh air:
Lan Di: What a good feeling.
:Lan Di shuts the door and walks towards the house:
Lan Di's Mother: Ronald! Ronald come quick! James is back!
"Somewhere
in the Western Atlantic Ocean"
"Cruise
Ship"
:The
three guards cheer their alcoholic drinks:
:They
were in their swim suits only:
:They
watched as the girls in bikinis dove into the pool:
Guard
#1: Who still wants to guard Lan Di?
Guard
#2: Certainly not me!
:The three guards start to laugh:
Guard
#3: You know guys, we live the life now.
Guard
#1: Damn right!
:Guard #1 gets up:
Guard
#1: Master, I'm going to use the bathroom now.
Guard
#3: Why the hell you tellin' us?!
Guard
#1: That's the joke! Where's Lan Di?! Ha!
:The guards start laughing:
Guard #1: I'm going to take the biggest piss of my life! To freedom gentlemen!
:The guards cheer their drinks once more:
"China"
"Ranch"
"Lan
Di's Home"
:Ryo and Gui Zhang stand on a hill, overlooking the vast fields surrounding Lan Di's Home:
Gui
Zhang: Thing's always turn out for the best.
Ryo-san:
I'm returning to Yokosuka. I forgot about life completely the past
few years. I believe life will be different, but in a good way.
Gui
Zhang: I think I'll start to love Father….for the short period of
time he has left. You two sure know how to make someone feel bad
about their Father.
Ryo-san:
Master Chen doesn't have much time left. You should start to
grieving process right now.
"Japan.2008."
"On
the Side of a Highway.2008."
Yu Suzuki: And that's it!
:Yu Suzuki claps:
Yu
Suzuki: Someone had to clap! Hahaha! ShenmueIrony is over. It's
done. A perfect end to a great series! I almost wet my pants half the
time! Hahaha! What was so ironic about ShenmueIrony. Nothing really!
And it's called "ShenmueIRONY". That's all the irony you
need!
I'm
Yu Suzuki ladies and gentlemen, and throughout this long series of
jokes and all out humor, we've come to learn one thing, I can at
least do one thing right… get joked on! Hahaha. Now get closer.
Give ol' Suzuki a hug.
:A truck runs over Yu, crushing him underneath:
Trucker:
(inside the truck) Holy shit, did we just hit that guy back there?!
Teenage
Shenmue Fan: (in the passenger seat) No. He's fine. Keep driving
/
And that's it. ShenmueIrony has ended after four years of 100 Episodes:
ShenmueIrony: February 2004-April 2005 (50 Episodes)
ShenmueIrony 2: December 2005- March 2006 and May 2007-August 2007 (25 Episodes)
ShenmueIrony 3: May 2008-August 2008 (25 Episodes)
A big thanks to all who read, commented, and enjoyed these Episodes.
Farewell!
Realillusion
"Japan"
"Yokosuka"
"Hazuki
Residence"
Fuku-san:
How's everything going for you Ryo-san?
Ryo-san:
(unpacking his thing's) Couldn't be better.
Fuku-san:
That's great to hear but ummm…
Ryo-san:
What Fuku-san?
Fuku-san:
I've been really lonely in the Dojo the past few years.
Ryo-san:
I'll come spar with you.
Fuku-san:
Yes! Really?! Thanks Ryo-san!
:Fuku giggles and runs out:
Ryo-san: That Fuku-san…
:Ryo
digs through his green bag and finds that long box that Shenhua gave
him:
:He
unclips the locks and opens it:
:Inside
what the Floating Sword from the Phantom River Cave:
:Ryo
wraps his hand around the sword and lifts it up in front of him:
:The
sword felt like it weighed a ton:
:Ryo
starts to get a sense of euphoria:
:Everything
that dwelled deep inside of him went away:
:His
mind starts to believe that what he felt right now was how he should
of felt:
:He
had a new mission, and it didn't involve Lan Di:
:He
must rebuild Yokosuka:
:His
veins start to pierce his skin and turn red:
:His
skin fainted to a clear color:
:His
eyes transformed red and his hair engulfed into flames:
:His
muscles tripled size and his legs grew a few feet:
:Ryo
holds the floating sword high:
:Fuku
walks in:
:Ryo
had an automatic scan in his vision:
:His
scanner scopes the room, targeting Fuku:
:It
read Fuku's age, height, ethnicity, fighting skill, blood type, and
heart beat:
Fuku-san:
Ryo-san, you look different.
Ryo-san:
(smiling) I am.