"So, if you don't want to live here, where do you want to live?" Derek questioned, his voice cutting through the quiet of the dark bedroom. His right hand continued its pattern, sliding up and down her forearm.
She smiled into his chest, the manic smile from the day roaring its head once again. Shifting her arm, she managed to stop his movements, claiming his hand in hers. She sighed. "I don't know. I guess I never really got past the whole Derek-had-to-go-get-his-mail-but-he-shouldn't-have-to-and-oh-my-god-I-want-to-move-in-with-him trail of thought."
He chuckled, his chest vibrating underneath her head. "You got past it enough to ban me from moving in here with you." He joked.
She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, well, that's as far as I got with it." She lifted her head for long enough to glare at him. "And I didn't ban you from moving in here. I banned us from living here. I won't have it. I'm putting my foot down."
He laughed out loud. "You're putting your foot down?"
"Mhh-hmmm, foot is down."
"Good to know." He told her. "So, not here, and you obviously wouldn't want to live at the trailer, so that kind of leaves us stranded and homeless at the time being..."
"I never said I didn't want to live at the trailer." She lifted her head off his chest again to meet his eyes.
He raised an eyebrow. "You want to live at the trailer?" He questioned.
She sighed, pushing herself further up his body to rest her head on his shoulder. He didn't hesitate to pull the blanket up with her as she moved, and the small gesture made her smile.
"I don't know," she finally told him. "I mean, I'd love to live at the trailer. You know how much I love it out there, but it's really far away from the hospital. And I'll still be working crazy hours for the next couple years, at least until I stop having interns. I'd spend more time commuting than sleeping."
He nodded, his head rubbing up and down against her hair as he shifted. "That's understandable."
"Although," Meredith spoke, pondering an idea. "I guess we could move in there and just keep my room here. Then I could live at the trailer with you, but crash here on late nights when I have to be back first thing in the morning."
She thought he would appreciate the idea, but he was shaking his head again. "No."
She snorted. "No? Just like that? I thought you'd want to live at the trailer."
He sighed, his outtake of breath separating strands of hair on her head. "I'd love to live out there with you, Mer, but I want to live with you. It's not the same if you're not home a few nights a week. I won't have it; I want to go to sleep with you every night, wake up with you every morning."
Warmth spread from her heart throughout the rest of her body at his words. She sighed contentedly, her left hand grasping tighter to his right. "Really?"
She felt his lips come down on the top of her head. "Really," he whispered, the sound muffled by her hair. "This is me putting my foot down," he said, causing her to giggle.
"Okay, so where do you want to live?" She asked.
He laughed into her hair. "That's what I asked you."
She giggled. "Right. I forgot; or not actually forgot, but got distracted by the trailer stuff."
"So..?"
She laughed. "I don't know. Not too far away from the hospital... that minimizes commuting time and maximises living together time."
"I like that."
She yawned into his shoulder, her tiredness from before seeping back into her body. "What kind of place should we live in?"
"Hmm?" He spoke into the top of her head, interrupting his deep, even breaths.
"What kind of home should we have?" She repeated.
"A happy one," he mumbled.
She rolled her eyes. "Obviously. But do you see us happy in an apartment?" She paused, giving him a chance to input his ideas. He remained silent. "Condo?" Still silent, his breathing even against her scalp, but not deep enough for him to be asleep. "House?" Still nothing. "Box on the street?"
His breathing changed at her last words, as he laughed gently. "I'd love to live anywhere with you, but I'd prefer we not live in a box."
She laughed. "Okay, I'll scratch box off the list. Are there other options than apartment, condo and house? Do you prefer any of them?"
"I want what you want," he murmured into her hair. "It's your choice."
She shook her head, ignoring his protests as she pulled herself off of him. "Derek, you have to help me with this," she told him. "I want you to be happy with wherever we live."
"I will be," he grumbled, his arms snaking out in an attempt to pull her back down.
She dodged his insistent hands, manoeuvring her body to sit up, keeping the blanket around herself to ward off the cold. "Derek," she chastised. "I thought the whole point of the adult conversation and real relationship stuff was to make these kinds of decisions together."
He sighed and perched himself up on his elbows. "It is. We decided to move in together; decision made together."
She narrowed her eyes. "Don't you mock me." She pointed a finger at him jokingly.
He smiled up at her and grabbed her outreached hand, threading his fingers through hers. His sparkling blue eyes signifying his happiness with the situation. "Sorry," he told her, his tone not portraying that he actually felt sorry at all. He smirked. "Don't look at me like that. You know you don't want my input anyway. Do what makes you happy and I'll be happy."
She stared at him for several seconds, confusion lining her brain at his comments, especially the way they were uttered; as if completely usual, expected, understood. She scrunched her face and shook her head. "Okay, as part of the whole adult conversing thing, I have the obligation to tell you that I don't have any idea what you're talking about. I want your input. That's why I'm asking for it. And you need to be happy and comfortable too, so you are going to be an equal part of this major decision thing, or you will find yourself living in a box on the street."
He smiled at her joke, but it faded quickly as he processed the rest of what she said, and his expression took on an almost... pensive appearance. And the pensiveness soon gave rise to understanding, as if something had suddenly just clicked into place in his mind. Then he smiled.
Meredith sat, cross legged, blanket wrapped over her shoulders, her head tilted to the side as she smiled back at him, completely in the dark as to his odd behaviour, but glad he was smiling. And when he sat up and reached out for her, she let him pull her body back down to rest against his. He kissed her before laying her head down on his shoulder again, his arms wrapping tightly around her body and he breathed in her hair. Meredith remained silent; confused, but happy to be close to him again.
"I love you," he whispered.
"I love you, too," she responded.
"You really want my input?" He questioned, almost disbelieving.
"Of course," she responded, her face scrunching up in confusion at his honest tone. "Derek, I can't make these decisions by myself. I thought it was supposed to be an us decision?"
"I guess it is."
"You guess?"
He sighed. "I've never been expected to give input on these types of decisions before; I've never had a say. I guess I just never questioned it before."
"What do you mean you've never had a say?"
"With... Addison, well, as soon as me first moved in together, she took over all the house related decisions. I didn't get a say. And I stopped trying to give one. I never realised..." He trailed off.
She smiled sadly against his shoulder, understanding what he was telling her and feeling just how much effect his realisation was having on him. In her mind, she remembered going out to dinner with him, early on in their relationship, before Addison had shown up. They had tried a newly opened restaurant that had turned out to have good food, but a horrible decor. Derek had told her the hideous furniture pattern reminded him of an old living room set he had once had. At the time she assumed he had inherited some old furniture free as a struggling college student or something, but now she realized it had more likely been expensive new furniture that Addison had chosen without his say.
Derek was still silent, his hand rubbing lazy circles over her back under the covers.
"Well," she spoke up. "Don't think I'm going to let you get away with any of that." Meredith spoke jokingly, trying to lighten the situation. "I'm so not able to make these kinds of decisions by myself, Derek, even if you actively try to avoid them. I need you help."
He was silent for several moments. "I can picture us in something smaller; an apartment, maybe a condo. I think a house is a bit much. We don't have much stuff."
She smiled. "Okay, I'll scratch house off the list. Anything else?"
"It's your turn."
"What?"
"It's your turn to give input. You said close to the hospital, I said apartment or condo, it's your turn."
Meredith laughed. "Sorry, I didn't realize we had regressed to elementary school where we have to take turns on the playground."
He snorted.
"Okay, my turn," she started, her eyes closing as she tried to imagine their future home. "Somewhere with a view," she finally said. "Of the water or something naturey."
"Naturey?"
"It's a word."
"It's so not a word."
"It is so. Naturey: To do with nature."
He snorted again.
"Okay, so it may not be an official word, but I said it and you understood what I was saying, thus it is a word."
"Fine," he conceded, and she didn't have to turn to look at his face to know he was rolling eyes at her.
"And it's your turn."
"Big windows," he said. "It's the only thing I don't really like about the trailer, it's really dark, even with the skylight. I like lots of sunlight."
"I can do sunlight. And a bathtub, a big bathtub like we have here."
"We could make it a Jacuzzi tub." Derek suggested.
"Oh, that's even better," she said, and they fell into silence. She felt the tug of sleep as his breaths against her hair began to even out once more. "It's your turn," she mumbled.
"Nope, it's your turn," he countered.
"How is it my turn? I said bathtub."
"And I said Jacuzzi, which you agreed was better than just a bathtub, which cancels out yours, so technically you owe me two."
She scoffed. "You're so cheating."
"No, I was playing fair. I trumped your idea and you agreed."
"You stole my idea and changed it to avoid being creative."
"Maybe we should call it a tie for tonight?" He suggested.
"Okay," she agreed easily. She had made her big relationship step for the day. The specifics could wait for the next day; it wasn't like she was going to change her mind. "I love you," she mumbled.
His arms closed around her tightly as he kissed the top of her head. "I love you too." And they both closed their eyes and drifted off, thoughts on their future, on drifting off to sleep together in a new place of their own.
000
Meredith glanced suspiciously around the cafeteria for the umpteenth time as she sat eating her late-lunch/early-dinner. She had been on her feet all day alternating between the pit and the clinic, and had only just found enough free time to steal away to the cafeteria for a well deserved meal. And the best part was her friends were all in surgery, or so she hoped. She knew George was, and she had checked the board to find the names Yang, Karev and Stevens all listed for surgery right now. But she still couldn't help feeling like she was going to be caught at any moment. Even though she wasn't doing anything wrong, she still felt guilty and wanted to keep certain things quiet for just a little while.
After assuring herself she wasn't being spied on, Meredith turned her attention back to the newspaper section on the table before her. Swiping another fry off her plate with her left hand, she read the next add on the list before shaking her head and marking a big X across it with the pen in her right hand. She placed a question mark beside the next blurb, and then crossed out the next two. The fifth one caught her attention, and she was leaning close to the table, her attention on the ad when a hand fell on her shoulder.
Meredith suppressed a yelp as she flew upright, her hands automatically snapping into action as she flipped over the newspaper. "I wasn't doing anything!" She stated as she whipped her head around, only to find Derek standing beside her, a quizzical expression on his facial features.
Relief washed over her as she smiled up at him. "Oh, good, it's only you."
He snorted and pulled a chair over to sit close beside her. "Ah," he said sarcastically. "Only you. I like it. It's nice to feel the love."
She rolled her eyes and leaned over to nudge him playfully with her shoulder, smiling when his arm snaked out to wrap around her waist. "You know I didn't mean it that way. I just thought you were one of my friends."
He tightened his hold on her middle as he leaned in to place a kiss on the side of her head before releasing her and settling beside her. "So, what are you hiding from your friends?"
Meredith flipped the newspaper back over to reveal the rentals section.
"You don't want to tell them we're moving in together?" He asked, and although his voice was light, she could tell he was hurt.
"No, it's not that," she said quickly. "I just... I really just want this to be an us thing for at least a little while." He still looked confused so she continued. "I mean I love my friends, but they have a way of involving themselves in everything that goes on in my life, and I really want some privacy with this for as long as I can. It's not that I don't want to tell them, I promise. I'm really happy about it, and I want to tell everyone, but I know things will change as soon as I do tell them, so I just need some time."
He considered her for several moments before nodding. "Okay."
She sighed, staring back at him, knowing he couldn't grasp what she was telling him. She loved her friends. And she loved Derek. And she didn't want to keep them separate. She was ecstatic that Derek was starting to bond with her friends, glad he was making progress in that area. He and Izzy were even on a first name basis. Meredith didn't want to keep the two most important parts of her life separate, but she didn't know how to integrate them in this case. And she didn't want to feel guilty to either party, thus the wanting to keep her happiness a secret for just a little longer.
She tilted her head slightly. "But it's not okay, your not okay."
He gazed at her. "I'll be okay, Meredith. Even if I don't get it, I understand that they're your family and you need their approval. I can wait."
She shook her head. "First of all, it's not their approval I'm looking for, and I don't want to wait. I want to live with you yesterday. And most importantly," she paused for effect, and reached over to squeeze his hand. "Most importantly, you are my family too, not just my friends. Don't think I don't think that or feel that way. Cause I do."
She could swear she recognized tears welling in his eyes as he blinked a few times. Although he appeared to be about to speak a few times, it was several moments before he actually did. "Thank-you," he finally whispered.
Whether he was thanking her for realizing his importance in her life, or simply for stating it, she didn't know, but her heart went out to him either way. Sometimes she forgot the problems in his past. Meredith made a mental note to be better at reminding him of his importance more regularly.
She didn't know how to respond to his quiet words. So, she smiled and offered more of an explanation. "I love my friends, but I know what will happen when I tell them. Cristina won't care, or at least she'll pretend not to care. And I'll feel guilty for being so happy while she's still so depressed about Burke. And Izzy will be annoyingly excited and will try to be involved in the where-do-we-live and how-should-we-decorate things. And then she'll realize that moving out means I'm leaving her alone with Alex, and that won't make her happy. And she'll be even more upset when she hears I'm offering my bedroom to Cristina, who needs a real place to live as she is still sleeping on my couch. And they'll both bitch about having to live with each other, and with Alex. Although Alex probably won't care much."She smiled at Derek. "We could tell Alex."
He smiled back at her. "We can tell whoever you want whenever you want." He squeezed her hand.
Meredith squeezed back, happy that he was happy again. She was getting better at the whole comforting thing. "Okay." She slid the newspaper over to rest closer to him. "I grabbed a paper from downstairs. Found a couple places that look somewhat promising."
Other than their conversation the previous night, they hadn't discussed the subject any further. It had been an early morning and she had been busy all day.
"Okay," Derek told her, but there was something a little off about his tone as he leaned over to read the ads she had circled.
"What?"
He glanced over at her. "Nothing important."
She narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "What?" She asked again, more demanding.
"Well, I didn't realize you were looking for homes this way."
Meredith shrugged. "What other way is there?"
"Well, I put a call into a realtor this morning."
Meredith paused. "A realtor? How does that work?"
"She'll find some places and then take us to go see them. And don't worry, she got all the criteria; view and Jacuzzi."
Meredith laughed. "And big windows."
He smiled back at her. "Is it okay that I called her?"
She nodded. "Yeah, of course. It just never even occurred to me. But it sounds much easier than searching the classifieds."
"It is, much easier," he told her, his eyes sparkling as his arm retuned to her waist and he placed another kiss on the side of her head, only lower this time, before resting his chin on her shoulder. The feeling of his warm breath fluttering her hair as it hit her neck made her shiver, but in a good way. "It's very efficient," he was saying. "Leaves time for other things."
She giggled at his words. "Does it now?"
He smiled as he nodded gently on her shoulder. "It does."
She sighed happily and leaned her head to the side to rest against his forehead. "Well, I'm glad it's all efficient and everything, but I've already used my time for today. I need to get back to the pit soon."
He grumbled his disagreement, his arm tightening around her.
"I love you," she blurted out, suddenly overwhelmed with the need to tell him.
"I love you too," he mumbled through her hair.
She reached out and grasped his other hand, pulling it closer as she threaded her fingers through his. "How soon can we go looking?"
"The realtor said she'd call me back tomorrow and set up a time. It can be as soon as we're both free."
"Good," she told him. "Because I don't want to wait."
"I don't want to wait either. I'm glad I chose yesterday to go pick up my mail." He joked.
She laughed at his words. "Are you mocking me?"
"Maybe a little."
Before she could respond, a loud beeping sound filled the quiet silence between them. Meredith groaned as she lifted her head up and dropped his hand to reach for her beeper.
"I have to go," she said after reading the text filtering across the screen. She closed her eyes and sighed, taking one last moment to absorb the happiness of the situation before twisting her head for a quick kiss and pulling out of his warm embrace. "We'll finish this later?"
He smiled at her. "Absolutely."
AN: Okay, so I know I suck with the lack of updates. I had the first half of this chapter written, then decided it needed to be different, re-wrote it, and decided the new version sucked even more, so I came back and modified it, then wrote the second half. Then modified the whole thing again... and well, you get the picture. Sorry. Oh, and I also just wanted to say that I'm not an Addison hater. I know there are some Addison negative aspects of this story starting to come out, but I really don't mean them against her, just against their old relationship.