Tobias came back in almost no time, and dropped a cell phone into Jake's hands. {There you go,} he said. {Talk as long as you want. That's a Verizon phone. Unlimited nights and weekends. It's after nine o'clock, right?}
"How'd you get a phone so fast?" Jake asked in suspicion.
Tobias swooped low, and landed delicately on a tree branch. {We've got an emergency here, right? I'll return it as soon as we're done.}
Jake opened his mouth as if to press the point. He closed it and looked at Mary Sue. "All right, you've got a cell phone. What else do you need?"
{I shall need the assistance of Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill in order to reprogram the device.}
Ax, still in harrier morph, straightened up a little at that. He liked being called on for his technical skill. And I think he liked being called by his full name.
"How soon can you make the call?" Jake asked.
{Sooner if we are able to work without interruption.}
Jake took the hint. "Ax, get as deep into the trees as you can. Demorph, and help her out. Tobias, keep an eye out for anybody coming."
As soon as Tobias was airborne and Ax had demorphed, I handed Mary Sue over and stepped out onto Megan's side of the road, staring blankly at her house. I felt numb. Like I should be doing something. But I was forced to inaction, and the waiting made me stupid. I couldn't think clearly. I just looked at the house.
{We'll get her out,} Tobias assured me from the sky.
I felt guilty. I hadn't even clearly been thinking about Jordan. I felt like I couldn't clearly think about anything. My mind was a beehive - busy, but jammed with thoughts and emotions too numerous to sort out. I held my head and groaned.
Cassie sat down next to me. She didn't say anything. Just sat and looked at the house.
I looked at her. She was waiting for me to talk. "I don't know, Cassie. I don't know what to do."
I guess she knew what was going on with me. She usually does. She had an answer ready for me. "Do one thing at a time, Rachel. Concentrate on the job in front of you. Do it. Move on to the next one. Don't think about the whole thing."
I nodded. That made sense. Right now we had to get the World Desolator here. If I could just concentrate on that, I could make it. I wouldn't fall apart if I concentrated.
"Right. Right."
"Baby steps, sir," Cassie said, in a deep, throaty voice. "Baaaaaby steps."
I laughed a little at that. "We are cosmic knowledge fish," I quoted from the same movie.
"We are highly eevolved beeeings," we chorused. I looked at her. She looked at me. We both cracked up. I guess it was the tension, and the silliness of quoting "Muppets From Space" right then. But we just sat and laughed for a little while.
When we caught our breath, Cassie leaned against me. "Wouldn't it be nice if aliens were really all like Gonzo?"
"I dunno," I said. "The Helmacrons come close to being weird enough, and look how big of a pain they are."
{Prince Jake, everyone, we have completed the call.}
We exchanged a look, then stood and gathered with the others around Ax and Mary Sue. "Well?" Jake said.
{The ship was being ingested by a large carnivorous plant in the South American jungles. They managed to break free of its grasp, and they'll be here in five of your minutes.}
"Ooookay," Jake said. "When I thought life couldn't get any weirder..."
"Ax," Marco began.
{Oh, and Prince Jake,} Ax said, cutting Marco off before he could lecture him about just whose minutes they were, {I am afraid we will not be able to return this telephone to its original owner. The reprogramming was quite extensive. I believe if he attempted to call anybody, he would send out a general subspace distress signal.}
"Great. Now we have to buy the kid a replacement."
Marco shook his head. "Jake, Jake, Jake. Look at this phone. This is a nice phone. The kid's gotta have it insured."
Jake looked at Cassie. I could see he didn't really want to buy a new phone.
"Let it drop, Jake. Marco's probably right," I said.
It took us almost the full five minutes before Jake's conscience was sufficiently soothed to keep the phone. We've made a policy out of not stealing from regular humans. But, as Tobias said, this *was* an emergency.
{One thing I should mention,} Mary Sue said, {is that you should not interrupt their entering speech. It's very rude to do so, they might take offense.}
"Got it," Jake said.
Vreeeeeeeeem! A tiny ship, about the size of a pill bottle, with a death's-head bridge shot into the trees, then stopped short about a foot from Ax's head.
"Cue the insanity," Marco murmured.
{GREETINGS, INGLORIOUS HUMANS, ANDALITE, AND SENTIENT BIRD OF THE TRANSFORMING POWER, AND ALSO MIRIXZU, THE OUTCAST HERETIC!!} screamed a thoughtspeak voice from inside the ship. We all winced and looked at each other. We couldn't interrupt. But if any Yeerk had heard that, we were in some serious trouble. {WE, THE MIND-NUMBINGLY VALIENT CREW OF THE WORLD DESOLATOR HAVE COME IN RESPONSE TO YOUR PLEA FOR THE MIGHT OF THE HELMACRONS! WE HAVE COME TO AID YOU IN YOUR WORTHY QUEST TO ELIMINATE THE YEERK ABOMINATION!!}
Jake looked down at Mary Sue. {Thank you, mighty crew!} she responded. {May I explain the situation in detail to your captain?}
{THE CAPTAIN HAS NOT DENIED YOUR REQUEST,} was the shouted reply.
Nobody mentioned the fact that it would have been really impossible for the captain to deny any request. Seeing as how the captain was chained to her command chair with nine or ten swords sticking out of her. All according to Helmacron tradition, of course. So Mary Sue explained the situation. Helmacron style. Which meant that after ten minutes were gone, two duels had erupted onboard the ship and pretty much everybody had been vigorously insulted. But the World Desolator got the message.
{May we be allowed to board the World Desolator?} Mary Sue asked, after they had agreed to help us out.
{THE CAPTAIN HAS NOT DENIED YOUR REQUEST. DISGUSTINGLY MASSIVE CREATURES, PREPARE YOURSELVES!!}
We heard a noise we had all heard before, and then the floor began to fall up towards us. Yes, I know that sounds weird. But shrinking is weird, and it's hard to explain. The best I can describe it is as skydiving. You know, how in all the cartoons, the ground keeps rushing up and up at the guy who's falling? That's about how it feels, only a little bit slower. And you can feel the ground underneath your feet the whole time. Like I've said, it's weird.
I looked around at the others. We were all shrinking at the same rate, which added to the weirdness of it all.
"Boy, oh boy," Marco said pleasantly, "just what I always wanted to do. Voluntarily shrink myself to the size of a dust speck and climb aboard a ship full of insane egotistical feminists."
"Gee, Marco. I wouldn't have thought you'd notice any difference in your height." Despite my anxiety, or perhaps because of it, I still had the urge to tease Marco. Well, my anxiety and the fact that the pine needles that I had been standing on were now knee deep.
"AHha. AHha. Hiss, put that on my luggage!" Marco commanded nobody as the needles shot up to shoulder height.
{Somebody tell me he isn't quoting Disney's Robin Hood. I really need somebody to tell me that.}
"The birdboy gets another gold star for catching the reference. Hey, are we done shrinking yet?"
{You are,} Mary Sue confirmed. {And your hideousness is almost diminished at this more reasonable sight. You are still aesthetically objectionable, of course, but slightly less so.}
Mary Sue stood there, the same height as us. She didn't look much different from other Helmacrons. Same four legs. Same teal-colored skin. Same triangular head with the barbed chin and gnashing mouthparts. Same pool-ball-like eyes resting on top of the ridiculously flat head.
"Wish I could say the same for you," Marco said blandly.
VREEEEEEEEEM. The World Desolator loomed above us. From this vantage point, it was definitely impressive. It prickled with weaponry, and cut a vast, threatening shape in the night air. I felt a surge of hope. With a ship like this . . .
Then I remembered. The ship was about the size of a pinecone.
But it was our only hope. And it was better than nothing.
Probably.
The ship nestled down in front of us. It was a lot like a good sci-fi movie. Plenty of hissing hydraulics, steam being emitted, glowing hoverpads switching on and off. Marco softly ground out the Imperial March as the hatch slowly opened. Three Helmacrons stood there, gleaming in their silvery uniforms. {Greetings, appropriately resized, yet still abysmally foolish and ignorant giants and Mirixzu the Heretic. You may board when the grovelling ceremony is complete.}
"Groveling ceremony?" I repeated in disbelief.
"It's a piece of cake," Marco assured me. "Just follow my lead."
Apparently, however, Mary Sue had other ideas. {We will not grovel. We bring aboard a captain of our own, and we will grovel only to her.}
"Him," Jake muttered.
The Helmacrons muttered and "neeped" at that for a few seconds. At last, the one who did the most talking looked disparagingly down at Mary Sue. {If you have the base audacity to bring a second captain onto a ship that already has a commander, you had best produce her immediately, so that we may ascertain whether she is worthy of licking our captain's boots. To say nothing of keeping you from traditional and appropriate grovelling. Well, where is she?}
"*He* is right here," Jake said loudly, stepping forward.
She looked at him. {Very well. But where is the captain?}
"I'm the captain," Jake announced.
The Helmacrons stared at him.
"Neep!" one said.
The lead Helmacron looked blankly at Mary Sue. {Your captain is a live male?}
The Helmacron on the left got very excited, and started shouting. {Outrage! Shock! Abomination! Vile creature who dares to appear as one of the glorious rulers of the galaxy, but grovels to scum!!}
Mary Sue hung her head, digging her front left foot into the pine needles, obviously embarrassed. {The gender and species is regrettable, and unavoidable. These humans have very strange customs.} She looked up, and locked eyes with the lead Helmacron. {But as for the rest of it . . . }
The other Helmacrons nodded their agreement.
Sccchiiiiissshck!
The sound of metal scraping on metal as the aliens drew rapiers from scabbards.
Mary Sue turned pleasantly towards my cousin. {Allow us to kill you with honor, Jake. It is your duty as captain to be infallible.}
"How'd you get a phone so fast?" Jake asked in suspicion.
Tobias swooped low, and landed delicately on a tree branch. {We've got an emergency here, right? I'll return it as soon as we're done.}
Jake opened his mouth as if to press the point. He closed it and looked at Mary Sue. "All right, you've got a cell phone. What else do you need?"
{I shall need the assistance of Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill in order to reprogram the device.}
Ax, still in harrier morph, straightened up a little at that. He liked being called on for his technical skill. And I think he liked being called by his full name.
"How soon can you make the call?" Jake asked.
{Sooner if we are able to work without interruption.}
Jake took the hint. "Ax, get as deep into the trees as you can. Demorph, and help her out. Tobias, keep an eye out for anybody coming."
As soon as Tobias was airborne and Ax had demorphed, I handed Mary Sue over and stepped out onto Megan's side of the road, staring blankly at her house. I felt numb. Like I should be doing something. But I was forced to inaction, and the waiting made me stupid. I couldn't think clearly. I just looked at the house.
{We'll get her out,} Tobias assured me from the sky.
I felt guilty. I hadn't even clearly been thinking about Jordan. I felt like I couldn't clearly think about anything. My mind was a beehive - busy, but jammed with thoughts and emotions too numerous to sort out. I held my head and groaned.
Cassie sat down next to me. She didn't say anything. Just sat and looked at the house.
I looked at her. She was waiting for me to talk. "I don't know, Cassie. I don't know what to do."
I guess she knew what was going on with me. She usually does. She had an answer ready for me. "Do one thing at a time, Rachel. Concentrate on the job in front of you. Do it. Move on to the next one. Don't think about the whole thing."
I nodded. That made sense. Right now we had to get the World Desolator here. If I could just concentrate on that, I could make it. I wouldn't fall apart if I concentrated.
"Right. Right."
"Baby steps, sir," Cassie said, in a deep, throaty voice. "Baaaaaby steps."
I laughed a little at that. "We are cosmic knowledge fish," I quoted from the same movie.
"We are highly eevolved beeeings," we chorused. I looked at her. She looked at me. We both cracked up. I guess it was the tension, and the silliness of quoting "Muppets From Space" right then. But we just sat and laughed for a little while.
When we caught our breath, Cassie leaned against me. "Wouldn't it be nice if aliens were really all like Gonzo?"
"I dunno," I said. "The Helmacrons come close to being weird enough, and look how big of a pain they are."
{Prince Jake, everyone, we have completed the call.}
We exchanged a look, then stood and gathered with the others around Ax and Mary Sue. "Well?" Jake said.
{The ship was being ingested by a large carnivorous plant in the South American jungles. They managed to break free of its grasp, and they'll be here in five of your minutes.}
"Ooookay," Jake said. "When I thought life couldn't get any weirder..."
"Ax," Marco began.
{Oh, and Prince Jake,} Ax said, cutting Marco off before he could lecture him about just whose minutes they were, {I am afraid we will not be able to return this telephone to its original owner. The reprogramming was quite extensive. I believe if he attempted to call anybody, he would send out a general subspace distress signal.}
"Great. Now we have to buy the kid a replacement."
Marco shook his head. "Jake, Jake, Jake. Look at this phone. This is a nice phone. The kid's gotta have it insured."
Jake looked at Cassie. I could see he didn't really want to buy a new phone.
"Let it drop, Jake. Marco's probably right," I said.
It took us almost the full five minutes before Jake's conscience was sufficiently soothed to keep the phone. We've made a policy out of not stealing from regular humans. But, as Tobias said, this *was* an emergency.
{One thing I should mention,} Mary Sue said, {is that you should not interrupt their entering speech. It's very rude to do so, they might take offense.}
"Got it," Jake said.
Vreeeeeeeeem! A tiny ship, about the size of a pill bottle, with a death's-head bridge shot into the trees, then stopped short about a foot from Ax's head.
"Cue the insanity," Marco murmured.
{GREETINGS, INGLORIOUS HUMANS, ANDALITE, AND SENTIENT BIRD OF THE TRANSFORMING POWER, AND ALSO MIRIXZU, THE OUTCAST HERETIC!!} screamed a thoughtspeak voice from inside the ship. We all winced and looked at each other. We couldn't interrupt. But if any Yeerk had heard that, we were in some serious trouble. {WE, THE MIND-NUMBINGLY VALIENT CREW OF THE WORLD DESOLATOR HAVE COME IN RESPONSE TO YOUR PLEA FOR THE MIGHT OF THE HELMACRONS! WE HAVE COME TO AID YOU IN YOUR WORTHY QUEST TO ELIMINATE THE YEERK ABOMINATION!!}
Jake looked down at Mary Sue. {Thank you, mighty crew!} she responded. {May I explain the situation in detail to your captain?}
{THE CAPTAIN HAS NOT DENIED YOUR REQUEST,} was the shouted reply.
Nobody mentioned the fact that it would have been really impossible for the captain to deny any request. Seeing as how the captain was chained to her command chair with nine or ten swords sticking out of her. All according to Helmacron tradition, of course. So Mary Sue explained the situation. Helmacron style. Which meant that after ten minutes were gone, two duels had erupted onboard the ship and pretty much everybody had been vigorously insulted. But the World Desolator got the message.
{May we be allowed to board the World Desolator?} Mary Sue asked, after they had agreed to help us out.
{THE CAPTAIN HAS NOT DENIED YOUR REQUEST. DISGUSTINGLY MASSIVE CREATURES, PREPARE YOURSELVES!!}
We heard a noise we had all heard before, and then the floor began to fall up towards us. Yes, I know that sounds weird. But shrinking is weird, and it's hard to explain. The best I can describe it is as skydiving. You know, how in all the cartoons, the ground keeps rushing up and up at the guy who's falling? That's about how it feels, only a little bit slower. And you can feel the ground underneath your feet the whole time. Like I've said, it's weird.
I looked around at the others. We were all shrinking at the same rate, which added to the weirdness of it all.
"Boy, oh boy," Marco said pleasantly, "just what I always wanted to do. Voluntarily shrink myself to the size of a dust speck and climb aboard a ship full of insane egotistical feminists."
"Gee, Marco. I wouldn't have thought you'd notice any difference in your height." Despite my anxiety, or perhaps because of it, I still had the urge to tease Marco. Well, my anxiety and the fact that the pine needles that I had been standing on were now knee deep.
"AHha. AHha. Hiss, put that on my luggage!" Marco commanded nobody as the needles shot up to shoulder height.
{Somebody tell me he isn't quoting Disney's Robin Hood. I really need somebody to tell me that.}
"The birdboy gets another gold star for catching the reference. Hey, are we done shrinking yet?"
{You are,} Mary Sue confirmed. {And your hideousness is almost diminished at this more reasonable sight. You are still aesthetically objectionable, of course, but slightly less so.}
Mary Sue stood there, the same height as us. She didn't look much different from other Helmacrons. Same four legs. Same teal-colored skin. Same triangular head with the barbed chin and gnashing mouthparts. Same pool-ball-like eyes resting on top of the ridiculously flat head.
"Wish I could say the same for you," Marco said blandly.
VREEEEEEEEEM. The World Desolator loomed above us. From this vantage point, it was definitely impressive. It prickled with weaponry, and cut a vast, threatening shape in the night air. I felt a surge of hope. With a ship like this . . .
Then I remembered. The ship was about the size of a pinecone.
But it was our only hope. And it was better than nothing.
Probably.
The ship nestled down in front of us. It was a lot like a good sci-fi movie. Plenty of hissing hydraulics, steam being emitted, glowing hoverpads switching on and off. Marco softly ground out the Imperial March as the hatch slowly opened. Three Helmacrons stood there, gleaming in their silvery uniforms. {Greetings, appropriately resized, yet still abysmally foolish and ignorant giants and Mirixzu the Heretic. You may board when the grovelling ceremony is complete.}
"Groveling ceremony?" I repeated in disbelief.
"It's a piece of cake," Marco assured me. "Just follow my lead."
Apparently, however, Mary Sue had other ideas. {We will not grovel. We bring aboard a captain of our own, and we will grovel only to her.}
"Him," Jake muttered.
The Helmacrons muttered and "neeped" at that for a few seconds. At last, the one who did the most talking looked disparagingly down at Mary Sue. {If you have the base audacity to bring a second captain onto a ship that already has a commander, you had best produce her immediately, so that we may ascertain whether she is worthy of licking our captain's boots. To say nothing of keeping you from traditional and appropriate grovelling. Well, where is she?}
"*He* is right here," Jake said loudly, stepping forward.
She looked at him. {Very well. But where is the captain?}
"I'm the captain," Jake announced.
The Helmacrons stared at him.
"Neep!" one said.
The lead Helmacron looked blankly at Mary Sue. {Your captain is a live male?}
The Helmacron on the left got very excited, and started shouting. {Outrage! Shock! Abomination! Vile creature who dares to appear as one of the glorious rulers of the galaxy, but grovels to scum!!}
Mary Sue hung her head, digging her front left foot into the pine needles, obviously embarrassed. {The gender and species is regrettable, and unavoidable. These humans have very strange customs.} She looked up, and locked eyes with the lead Helmacron. {But as for the rest of it . . . }
The other Helmacrons nodded their agreement.
Sccchiiiiissshck!
The sound of metal scraping on metal as the aliens drew rapiers from scabbards.
Mary Sue turned pleasantly towards my cousin. {Allow us to kill you with honor, Jake. It is your duty as captain to be infallible.}